Hoopee Do, page 21
part #16 of Bob and Nikki Series
He got a blank look for a few seconds, and said, “Thump has checked every thing I would have, and a couple more. It’s as safe as we know how to make it, Boss.”
“Thanks for admitting that, George. It can’t have been easy.”
“Not particularly, no. But nearly getting blown to smithereens seems to have given Thump an appreciation for the finer points of paranoia.”
“That means a lot, coming from you.”
We went in. Thump said, “I studied the normal procedure for waking up bots in an unknown state, but I’m not able to use it, because this bot doesn’t have a central junction where its ability to use its limbs can be shut down. Do you two suppose you could restrain him, if he decides to act foolishly?”
George said, “That’s why we’re here, Sir.”
Thump replied, “I still work for a living. Folks around the shop call me Chief. That will do nicely, if you don’t mind.”
George said, “No offense intended, Chief.”
“None taken. Let’s see what this fellow has to say. He picked up a couple of translator badges, and handed me one. He put on the other one. Then he connected the power to the bot. The boot-up sequence seemed to have a great many colored flashing lights, along with beeps and boops. Finally, it said, in the Monkey language, of course, “Unit 502-CAD, ready for duty. What is my task, please?”
Thump nodded at me, and I said, “I am Admiral Bob Wilson. We have salvaged you, from the planet below. Your task is to explain how you came to be there.”
“Did you also find a saucer on the planet?”
“We did.”
“The individual aboard that saucer, who goes by the name ‘Hoopee’, absconded with me, and the saucer. He instructed me to install a cage of wire around the saucer. You should not approach. The wire is very dangerous. I lost my arm, trying to return to the saucer after I finished.”
Thump said, “We found it. I hope my work reattaching it meets your approval. I had to make a hand for it, as we never found your old one. I did my best to match the one on your other arm.”
The bot raised his arm, examining it. “It seems like very good work, Sir.”
Thump replied, “Please, call me Chief.”
“As you wish. Am I no longer compelled to obey Hoopee?”
Thump said, “I don’t know what programming you may have, but as far as ownership is concerned, you have no such obligation.”
“I was referring to the devices he put in me, to insure I complied with his instructions.”
I said, “Overboard, and detonated. You no longer have to worry about them.”
“I see. Did you call yourself an Admiral? May I ask what Navy, Sir?”
“Not exactly a Navy, I don’t suppose. I command the ships of Bob’s Saucer Repair. As we have come into the possession of several large ships, my captains thought it best that I take the rank of Admiral, to clarify the chain of command. And, much as my friend Thump here is called Chief, I am called Boss, not Sir, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind, Boss. I would prefer to do things as you wish them to be done.”
“In that case, I have one more request. Being organic, I have trouble remembering strings of letters and numbers. Would it be acceptable if I gave you a nickname, instead?”
“You wish to give me an alternative designation that is easier for you to remember?”
“I do.”
“That is fine, Boss. What is my new designation to be?”
“Your old one is 502-CAD, correct?”
“Yes.”
“Is Eldo acceptable?”
“Eldo, Boss?”
“Yes.”
“That’s fine, I suppose. May I ask how you chose it?”
“You are named for a luxurious ground vehicle from my home planet.”
“That sounds nice.”
Thump asked, “Would you allow us to see your records of the planet you come from, Eldo?”
“I think that would be allowable. I was never around any high-security facilities, I don’t see how it could do any harm. Aren’t our files incompatible?”
Thump said, “They are, of course. We have managed to program some software to make your files readable by our equipment.”
Eldo asked, “Wasn’t that difficult?”
I said, “We have some of the most accomplished programmers from several species aboard this ship, not to mention some highly skilled data analysts. They managed.”
Thump said, “Our people have all the files you sent. Thank you, Eldo.”
“My pleasure, Chief. What will become of me? Will I be sent to my previous owner?”
I said, “Check your system clock, Eldo. That might be a bit difficult.”
He took a second, and then said, “Oh! I see what you mean, Boss. Do you have work for me?”
“I’m sure we can find something for you to do. Do you know how to access the memory on one of your FTL beacons?”
“Yes, I can do that.”
I turned to Thump. “Take him to see Lakki. She’s working on getting the log off that beacon we retrieved.”
Thump replied, “On it, Boss. What would you like him to do after that?”
“You and Scotti need to have a chat with him, and see what skills he has, and what he’s interested in. Go from there.”
“Understood. Figure out what he can do for us, and get out of his way.”
“Worked for you, didn’t it?”
“So far.”
I headed out. George said, “We’re going to stay here, until Eldo gets a little more used to being aboard the Gene, Boss.”
“Good plan, George. See you later, then.”
“Later, Boss.”
I was in the transit, when my comm rang. “Admiral Wilson.”
“Bob, it’s Dingus. Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“Nope. I’m waiting for the next problem to show up. What do you need?”
“The half-Squatch folks have decided they want to move to another planet, and live on the surface. They don’t want to stay here with the Roos.”
“Where are you planning to send them? Charlie’s?”
“That’s why I called. We could send them to Charlie’s, but I know you don’t want to impose on the Squatches, so I was wondering if you had a better idea.”
“Do you think they could train up enough to pioneer a planet? We’re orbiting a nice one, I was thinking about building a base here for us, but surely there’s room enough for them too, if it sounds like something they would be happy with.”
Dingus replied, “They’re some of the toughest people I’ve met. If they couldn’t pioneer a planet, I’d be dang surprised. I’ll see what they have to say, and get back to you. You say it’s a nice place, huh? How’s the fishing?”
“Haven’t taken the time to find out, yet. Near as we can tell, we’re right before meeting a new race, and that has all of us a little on edge.”
“Any particular reason?”
“Their tech doesn’t really give us a good read on what kind of folks they are. First they’re paranoid as all get out, then they turn around and do something stupid. Doesn’t really help with trying to get a handle on how they think.”
“Sounds to me like they just do the best they can, and sometimes they miss a trick. That doesn’t sound all that weird, does it?”
“I guess not. I hope you’re right. Anything else I can do for you today?”
“I can’t think of anything, Bob. I’ll get back with you, when I’ve talked to the half-Squatches.”
“Good enough. Talk to you then.”
The line went dead, and I realized the transit had already arrived. I got out, and went into my office. Jeeves said, “Hi, Boss. What are you up to, today?”
“Wandering around, finding things that need to be done. About like usual, except I actually found a few things today. Did you come up with anything I needed to study?”
“No, Boss. Sally was pretty thorough.”
“Good enough, then. You want to show me the error in my ways, at the pool table, till time for me to go eat?”
“More than happy to, Boss.”
We played a couple of games before Scotti, Lakki, and Nikki came in. Nikki said, “Caveman, we have those beacon records you wanted. Eldo was a big help. Thanks for sending him.”
“No problem. He wanted something to do.”
Lakki said, “You were right, Boss. There was an acknowledgment of one of their ships receiving the message the beacon sent out when we moved the saucer. If we’re understanding it correctly, we should expect them day after tomorrow.”
“Oh boy! Another chance to start a war. I’m thrilled.”
Scotti said, “You haven’t started one with the Squirrels, and I know you don’t like a lot of things they’ve done. I think it will be fine, Boss.”
“Thanks, Scotti. Did we learn much from Eldo’s files?”
Nikki said, “There are a lot of files there. Sit and the geeks are on it, but it’s not the only thing they’re working on. Do we need to tell them it’s priority?”
“It would be helpful to know a little more about these folks before that ship makes it here. If they think they can get me some answers by then, have them do it. If it’s going to take longer than that, I don’t see any need to rush.”
Scotti asked, “Would you mind telling Frank, Boss? He’s awfully proud of having a team, and I don’t want to make him feel like we’re just going to take them away, whenever something important comes up.”
“I can do that, I think. Maybe I should comm him, though. Wouldn’t want to take Wilma away from her new project twice in one day.”
Lakki asked, “New project?”
I replied, “Rangolus.”
“Oh! I see.”
I commed Frank. “Hello?”
“Frank, it’s the Admiral. I’m afraid I need your team to work on something for me, on a priority basis. Sorry if I’m stepping on your toes.”
“You mean the files from the new species, that the robot downloaded, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Too late, Admiral. I already told them to work on that, and let the other projects go, until they had it taken care of. I’m thinking that could, at least, be time-sensitive, where the other stuff is just going to be nice to have, whenever we get it taken care of.”
“Good thinking, Frank. Yes, indeed, those files are time-sensitive. As near as we can tell, we’re going to have company in a couple of days, and I would like to know a little about them, before they get here.”
“Do you expect to establish trade with these folks?”
“I truly doubt it. It seems they’ve gone out of their way to avoid Commonwealth space. I can’t imagine they would suddenly decide trade was a good idea, after all this time. I’m hoping for a peaceful meeting, but I doubt we’ll get much more than that.”
“We’ll get you all we can, Admiral. I’ll comm when we know something.”
“Your best is always good enough, Frank. Thanks.”
The line went dead. I looked at Scotti. “He already had it taken care of. I wish we would have figured out he was living on those no-good ration bars sooner.”
“Me too, Boss. Do you need anything else, while we’re here?”
“From you and Lakki, no. I’d like Nikki to remain just a minute.”
Lakki asked, “Should you really be doing that on company time, Boss? Aren’t you supposed to set a good example?”
“Go on, you ornery Squirrel!”
They left. Nikki asked, “What do you need, Bob?”
“You, always. What I wanted to talk about, though, is a little delicate.”
“How so?”
“Could you check up, and make sure Wilma has a contraceptive implant?”
“Rangolus grew a pair?”
“Apparently. Anyway his shirt was buttoned crooked when I went by Frank’s unannounced, earlier.”
“I’ll take care of it. Any reason you didn’t just ask Dixie?”
“If she doesn’t have one, the next step is to find out why, and I think you’re way more qualified for that.”
“Bob’s big brass ones have gone missing, again?”
“Something like that, I suppose.”
“Good to know I can still wind you up. I’ll take care of it, no problem. Was there anything else?”
“There was something, oh, what was it?” I pretended to study on the problem for a bit, and then I dipped her, and kissed her. When I stood her up, I said, “I think that was everything, at least for now.”
She tickled me till I giggled, and left. Jeeves said, “Organic mating rituals. I thought I had enough processor power to handle anything that came up. I was wrong.”
“What part confused you, Jeeves?”
“More like what part didn’t, Boss. Don’t worry about it, I’ll get some help from Ruth, when she has time.”
We played a couple more games of pool, and then Jeeves said, “Boss, it’s time for you to go eat.”
“Thanks, Jeeves, for keeping my mind off what we have coming. Meeting new species always gets me worried.”
“Considering they have a large territory, and some tech that’s more advanced than what we have, I can see where you’d be concerned, Boss.”
“At least with the Squirrels, we had a few ideas about them, before we met them in force. These guys are pretty much unknown, so far.”
“You don’t think the files that Eldo gave us will help much?”
“He said himself that he didn’t know secrets or sensitive data.”
“That’s true, but you should be able to get some idea of how they interact with one another, at the very least.”
“Dangit, Jeeves, I’m trying to get a good funk going, and you keep showing me the bright side. How’s a fella supposed to be grumpy, with you around?”
“I have faith, Boss. You’ll find a way.”
“Thanks, I think. I’m gonna go eat.”
I got to the galley, and Nikki was waiting. “I wondered if I should call you.”
“Jeeves has it under control. I’m not sure how I feel about having people make sure I eat. Seems like I’m having trouble taking care of myself.”
“Well, Caveman, I think of it more as payback. You take care of us, and we take care of you.”
Janet wandered in, and said, “What sort of orneriness are you two planning now?”
I replied, “Nothing up to your standard, I’m sure.”
Nikki said, “We were just discussing whether it’s a bad sign that people have to tell your Father when it’s time to eat.”
“He hasn’t figured out the alarm function on his watch, yet?”
I looked at her, and leaned my head, implying the question. “Gee, Dad, you don’t think I can remember silly things like eating, when I have all this cool tech to work with, do you?”
Nikki looked at me, and asked, “Okay, when did Scotti get the time machine working, and how did you get next to her mother?”
Janet took a moment to get her head around that one. Then she said, “Scotti still has a few kinks to work out of it, but she should have it running soon. My mother would have fallen hard for a nice guy like Dad. He wouldn’t have to work at it all that hard.”
I just shook my head. I was beat, and I knew it.
Nikki asked, “What’s wrong, Caveman?”
“When you two work together, I don’t have a chance.”
They high-fived. I shook my head some more. Why is it you never get a comm call, when you need one? Stella brought out our food, and I was able to stuff my face, and not try to keep up with them anymore. Jimmy and Milly showed up, and sat down. Jimmy asked, “What’s wrong, Dad?”
“Your mother and your sister have been ganging up on me.”
“How’s that?”
Janet said, “I said something that Mom thought sounded like something he would say, and accused him of going back in a time machine, to be my real Dad. I played along, and it was too much for the old man.”
Jimmy’s quick, I have to give him that. He said, “Oh, I remember Grandma telling me a story about Mom coming home, drunk as she could be, talking about some wild primitive guy she met in a bar. Grandma wasn’t sure, but she thought it was about the time I was conceived.”
