Paige's Turn, page 19
In the dark, I surveyed Allie’s room. She was outgrowing it. I kept telling Christopher that they needed to move, but he liked the downtown scene and his office was within walking distance. I know he tried, but I wished he would put Allie first more often. I got that parenthood was thrust upon him without planning or warning, but I knew he had it in him to be the best dad ever, if only he would give himself the chance.
I laid Allie down in her new big girl bed. I pulled her coral ruffled comforter around her and she smiled in her sleep. I knelt down and kissed her cheek. Oh, I was going to miss her. My heart felt like it was going to break, but staying would annihilate it. “I love you,” I whispered.
I turned to find Christopher at the door, observing me. He had loosened his tie, but he was still dressed for the office. His look teetered on frustration and admiration. He wasn’t used to not getting his way. He joined us and knelt beside me. I could tell he loved Allie by the way he looked at her, but he was clueless as to what he should do with her, or for her. He kissed her forehead and lingered.
Our eyes met when his lips left Allie’s head. I did my best to beg him silently to let me go without a fight. I was already questioning my decision. We sat there, staring at each other in the dark for a few moments. Sometimes when I looked at him, I felt like I knew his face better than my own. Several times I caught him trying to say something.
“Please stay. I need you.”
How many times had I heard that over the years? Whether it was some woman breaking his heart, a death of shared loved ones, or even help passing the art class he had to take in college, I always came running. But not this time. I couldn’t.
I stood without answering, or maybe that was my answer. I rushed to leave, but Christopher followed, and before I could make my escape, he grabbed a hold of me. He pulled me in, and I found myself where I longed to be—in his arms. For the smallest second, I let myself try him on. I knew he was the perfect fit, but he was like the dress that hangs in the back of your closet that only comes out on rare occasions. I did myself a favor and put him right back on the hanger.
“I need to get home. I’ll see you Monday.” I tore myself away. Normally, I hung out with him on the weekends even if he didn’t need me to watch Allie, but I needed to start ripping off the Band-Aid. This time I needed to make sure it came off all the way.
“Jaime.” He wrapped me tighter in his capable arms. I felt his breath against my strawberry-blond hair while he rested his chin on top of my head. “Why are you in such a hurry?”
“It’s late.”
“So?”
“Chris, you can do this. We’ll find Allie a good nanny.” I hated the thought of anyone taking my place.
“No one can replace you.”
I pushed away. “We’ll find the second-best then.” I marched toward the door, grabbing my bag on the way. He was killing me.
He decided to add some torture before going for the kill. His legs were longer than mine, and he moved in front of the door before I could make my escape. He folded his arms and narrowed his beautiful blue eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I hated that he knew me so well. Or was it that he didn’t know me at all? Was he really so blind to my love? I knew Bianca wasn’t; she did her best to keep us apart when they were married. Not that I would have ever thrown myself at a married man. It was for the best anyway. Chris wasn’t himself with her and I distanced myself as much as he would allow me to, which was never far enough.
“Believe it or not, I have goals.”
He smirked. “Your piano?”
“Among other things.” He always made fun of my piano jar. I’d been saving money to buy my dream piano—a Steinway & Sons, just like his grandma’s—for the last fifteen years. I was only twenty thousand and some change away from purchasing it.
He stepped closer to me and ran his finger down my cheek. “What else, Jaimes?”
I shivered at his touch. I reached up and took his hand. They dropped to our side, our pinky fingers interlocked. “I can’t keep living in my brother’s basement.”
“Move in with me.” He said it with ease, like he had thought it a dozen times.
“No.”
He gave me a closed-lipped smile and stepped closer. “That’s what I love about you, you’re still old fashioned.”
Chris was not in love with me. “Goodnight.”
He was letting go of my pinky. His smile had a spark in it that I recognized. It was the same smile from when he was fifteen and discovered he had hair on his chest. It was a magical moment in a boy’s life, I guess. Maybe it had been mean of me to pull the one hair out. I did my best not to smile at the memory.
“Marry me, Jaimes.”
I knew I’d heard him wrong. I dropped his hand and faltered backward. “You’re tired and aren’t thinking straight.” I was surprised I could talk or move at all. I’d wanted to hear those words forever, but not like that. Not when he didn’t mean them. I sidestepped him and reached for the door.
He didn’t miss a beat. He blocked my exit and placed his hands on my shoulders. His boyish grin engulfed his face. I even made out his one dimple.
“I’m serious. It makes sense.” He was ready to negotiate, but this was non-negotiable.
“Goodnight, Chris.” I tried to push past him.
“Are you rejecting me?”
“This isn’t funny. Please let me go.”
“You’re right. Marry me.”
I saved my tears for funerals and his wedding, but this brought me to the brink. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want a marriage of convenience. Marriage isn’t a joke.”
“Maybe it would be convenient, but we love each other. And doesn’t everyone say you should marry your best friend?”
He tossed around the word love so easily. It was easy for him because he didn’t love me body and soul. Not the way a husband should love a wife. Not the way I loved him.
“Get some sleep. I’m going to pretend we never had this conversation.” That was a lie. I would run this conversation through my head until I died.
“You’re not even going to think about it?”
“No.” Yes. All the time.
“If we get married, you can move in here and my company has excellent benefits for spouses. And Allie needs a mom. She needs you.”
“Listen to yourself. You’re talking about this like it would be some business contract. When I get married, it’s going to be a real marriage.”
He moved his hands from my shoulders up my neck and to my face. His eyes smiled at mine as he held my cheeks. “Are you talking about sex? Because I have no problem sleeping with you.”
My eyes bugged out. I couldn’t believe he was entertaining the thought.
He laughed. “I don’t know why this surprises you.”
“We’ve never even kissed.”
He leaned down as if that was an invitation. “That’s not true.” His words were whispered an inch from my lips.
He was right. We had kissed the night of our senior prom. We had each gone with someone else, but like most of our lives, we ended up together at some party, just the two of us. We were sitting at the edge of a pool with our feet dangling in the water when, without warning, he kissed me. His mouth consumed mine, minute upon minute upon minute. For at least half an hour, I belonged to him in a way I never had before. I thought that night would be a turning point in our relationship. I swore I heard him whisper, “It would be so easy to love you,” but the following days he avoided me. The next time he saw me, he acted like it never happened. I wished it never had; maybe he wouldn’t have had such a hold on me.
“You were drunk. That doesn’t count.”
“I was buzzed.”
“Have you been drinking tonight?”
He shook his head. “Jaimes, we’ll have a real marriage. We’ll have sex every night if you want to.”
“So now you want to be friends with benefits?”
He moved in a little closer. Our lips were on the cusp of touching, causing my breath to falter.
“Jaimes, I would never think of you like that. But most marriages become friendships anyway, so we’re just skipping to that part.”
I broke away from him, pushed him out of the way, and ran out the door. I’d only ever been in love with one man, but his stupidity was making me question my sanity.
I took the stairs instead of the elevator to the parking garage. I needed to work out whatever it was that had just happened. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was, it wasn’t real. He wasn’t thinking straight and I was dying. For over half my life I’d wanted to be Mrs. Christopher McKay, and here it was handed to me, but on a garbage can lid.
I was taking the job in Carmel.
I crawled back to Franklin, where my brother lived, in my old, beat-up car I’d had for the last seven years. It got me from point A to B. I was buying my piano before I spent money on a new car. Christopher disagreed with my course of action. Anyway, I needed a house big enough to hold my piano. Which meant I needed a real job, and more private lesson students.
Each of Chris’ words spun around in my head. I wondered if he was lonely. He hadn’t dated anyone since Bianca’s death a year ago. I wasn’t even sure why he pined for her. Guilt surrounded that thought.
Should I have told Chris the truth about Bianca? I thought he found out the night he called to tell me she had died in a car accident along with a business associate. I had mistaken his anguished cry for anger instead of grief. What I never told him was that I had seen her that night at a piano club I used to play at once in a while. She and her “associate” were anything but business that night. I confronted her and said if she didn’t tell Chris, I would.
“You’ve been waiting for this moment, haven’t you?” she had sneered. I wanted her as far away from him as possible, but not like that. I didn’t want Chris to be hurt. Every time he mentioned her now, I cringed internally. I knew what kind of person she was.
I crept into my brother Caleb’s home, hoping not to wake anyone up, especially my niece, Emeline. Caleb and Bree were good enough to let me pay them cheap rent, but I was sure they were ready for me to be out of their hair. My parents lived too far away in Fayetteville, and rent was at a premium close to Christopher’s loft.
I tiptoed into the kitchen where the stairs to the basement were located. All my stealthy moves were for nothing; Bree was at their small kitchen table downing a slice of cheesecake.
“Rough night?” I asked.
She rolled her eyes. “Emeline wet the bed again.”
I joined her at the table. “Sorry.” Emeline was six and still wet the bed frequently. I had decided to keep Allie in pullups even though she was potty-trained. I didn’t think Chris would know what to do if she wet the bed.
She shoved another large bite of chocolate cheesecake in her mouth. I could see the tension leave her face as she savored the dessert. Once she came back to reality, she looked me over. “Do you want a fork? It looks like you could use some sweet ecstasy.” Food was her drug of choice.
“Sure.” It couldn’t hurt.
She was up and back with a fork in no time at all. “You look like you’ve been sucker-punched. Spill.” She was never one to mince words.
I took the fork and eyed the decadent dessert in front of me. I blew out a large breath and told the truth. There was no use hiding it. “Christopher asked me to marry him tonight.”
She didn’t look surprised at all. She filled her fork up again. “About time.”
“What do you mean? We aren’t even dating.”
“Who needs to date when you already act like a married couple? You act more married than most couples I know, come to think of it.”
“Except we aren’t in love with each other.” What a depressing thought. I took a large bite of the cheesecake.
She finished swallowing and tilted her head. “I wouldn’t be so sure it’s one sided.”
“Have I been that obvious?”
“Everyone knows you’re in love with him. I could tell nine years ago when I met you both for the first time.”
I had been twenty-two and just starting school at the time. Chris had already graduated with his undergrad and was ready to start his MBA program.
The chocolate wasn’t helping; my stomach was too queasy. I set the fork down. “He only asked because I’ve decided to take the teaching position in Carmel.”
“You don’t think he cares about you?”
“Sure he does. We’ve been best friends forever, but that doesn’t make a marriage.”
“I wish Caleb . . .” She hesitated. “I wish we would have been friends first. I think it would have made things easier.”
I knew she and my brother had some issues, but they were working through them. I had been privy to some of their heated discussions over the last year. It wasn’t anything major, but I think day-to-day stresses had piled up and caused some strain in their relationship.
“Besides, Christopher is fooling himself if he thinks he’s not in love with you, too.”
“Then he’s doing a good job fooling both of us. I’ve waited for him to love me for longer than I care to admit.”
“Love is a choice. Believe me, it’s one I have to choose every day.”
I placed my hand over hers. “I know Caleb appreciates that, and he loves you very much.”
“I know. Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me.”
“Because you’re terrific.”
She flashed me a rare smile. “So are you, and Christopher knows that.”
“So, you think I should hang up my idealistic dreams and give in to him?”
“Not at all, but I don’t think you should discount his intentions so easily.”
“I’m pretty sure he only wants to sleep with me.”
She laughed. “I’m sure he does, but that’s because he’s male. I’m positive that isn’t the only reason.”
“He’ll get free babysitting.”
“No, he’ll get the only real mother Allie has ever known.” Neither of us had been impressed with Bianca.
I came close to tears again. Allie. I loved her more than words could express. I had never known that kind of love was possible until her. I pushed the cheesecake out of the way and lay my head down on the table.
Bree wasn’t a touchy-feely sort of person, but she reached out and stroked my hair. “Men. They complicate the hell out of everything.”
“Isn’t that the truth?
~*~
I stayed curled up in bed as long as I could Saturday morning. I hadn’t slept well at all, but my music was calling to me. I needed it to help me sort out this mess Christopher had thrown at me. I tore off the covers, brushed my teeth, threw my hair up, and sat in front of my digital piano. I missed having a real piano, even the old, out-of-tune upright at my parents. I looked over at my piano jar on my dresser. It held a few thousand dollars. Enough for a used upright, but I didn’t have anywhere for it to go. Besides, I was going to own a grand piano.
I turned the volume down as low as it would go before I poured my heart out into the keys. I got lost in every note, so much so I didn’t hear Christopher come in.
“Moonlight Sonata?”
I only jumped a little, but I didn’t bother facing him. “Which movement?”
He thought for a moment. “Second?”
“Third.”
“I was close.”
“Your grandma would be disappointed.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I turned around to find a thoughtful looking Christopher casually dressed in tight jeans and a gray, pressed t-shirt. He always made my heart skip a beat. “What are you doing here? And where’s Allie?”
He looked around my cramped room that held all of my personal belongings. The walls were covered in pictures of my adventures and souvenirs from all the countries I had visited. “She’s upstairs playing with Emeline and Bree.” He approached and knelt in front of me.
“Please don’t do this again.”
He smiled before running his hand up and down my bare leg. “I’m sorry about last night.”
“We’ll forget it ever happened.”
“Good, because I want a redo.”
I tried to stand up. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Please Jaimes, hear me out.”
I lowered myself back down and narrowed my gaze. He should have shaved this morning. He looked too good with a layer of scruff on his sculpted face.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar ring. I covered my mouth with my hand. I had admired the antique pearl gold ring for as long as I had known the man that now possessed it. I remember watching Allison McKay’s fingers glide across the ivory keys. She made playing the piano look like breathing. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Not only was she a world-class pianist, but she treated everyone with kindness and respect, even a young girl whose parents could hardly afford piano lessons. She made me feel like I held the world in the palm of my hands and that I could do anything. As the years went by, she began treating me more like a granddaughter than a student. She encouraged my feelings for her grandson, the son she had raised since he was seven years old, the apple of her eye.
I stared at the ring Christopher held between his fingers. It looked as it always had. A large pearl in the middle, with two tiny diamonds on each side of the inlay. She wanted it to be given to the woman Christopher chose to be his wife. She wanted it to be mine. She died not too long after Christopher married. The only time his grandmother had been disappointed in him was in his choice of bride.
He held up the ring. “I know I came off as a jerk last night. I didn’t ask you to marry me so you would sleep with me, although I hope that’s part of the package if you say yes.”
I tried my best not to roll my eyes.
