Paige's Turn, page 13
“Paige.” He took my hand so I couldn’t enter the last digit to my security code.
I looked up and met his confused eyes. I could feel the tears prick mine.
He drew me closer.
I pulled away.
“Please don’t. Let me explain.”
I remained still with my hand in his.
“Paige, there is nothing I want more right now than to give in to the feelings I have for you.”
For the slightest moment, hope crept in, but the pained look on his face told me there was a caveat.
He slid closer and pulled my hand up to his heart. I could feel the steady beat through his muscled chest. Desire filled me, but it was doused. “You remind me a lot of my ex-wife.”
Disgust filled my features. How could he say that after what he and his mom had told me about her? I pulled my hand away, but he wasn’t letting go.
“Let me finish.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “You’re both well-educated with large bank accounts, beautiful—”
“You think I’m beautiful?”
He paused and gazed into my eyes. “Inside and out, but Paige, I don’t have anything to offer you.”
“What do you mean?”
He scanned my house and pristine property. “This is what I’m talking about. You live a life that I could never give you. You’ve seen where I live and you know the state of my business.”
“I don’t care about any of what Mitzi gave me, other than the sentimentality of it.”
“Desiree used to say the same thing, but believe me, when one partner is so unequal to the other in means and education, it takes a toll on a relationship. And . . .” He took a long pause before letting out a huge breath. “I just don’t know if I can do another dysfunctional family.” He let my hand drop.
I stepped away from him. How could I blame him after the scene at my parents? But it hurt. Like no other hurt I had ever experienced. A tear slid down my cheek. “I understand.”
“Do you?”
“I think you explained it well, in plain English.”
“It’s not you, Paige.”
“Really? Because I’m pretty sure it is.”
“I know it sounds cliché, but it’s me and our circumstances.”
“Okay.” I turned back toward the door. I never felt more like curling up and crying myself to sleep. I gripped the doorknob, facing away from Sam.
He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Paige, I don’t want things to change between us. You don’t know how much I value our time together.”
How could we go back after this? I was an idiot. Why didn’t I keep my mouth shut? “Goodnight, Sam.” I turned the knob and headed for the safety of Mitzi’s home.
“I’ll be here in the morning. I’m sorry.”
I shut the door on him. I was sorry, too. Sorry I ever moved back and sorry I let myself believe that I was anything more than the insignificant girl who left here ten years ago. I headed straight for the kitchen to drown my sorrows in cookies and milk. After all, I hadn’t eaten dinner and I’d never met a cookie I didn’t like. Even if I’d made them for Sam. I wanted to crawl up in my treehouse and die. I didn’t even know this kind of hurt or embarrassment existed.
I took a big bite of cookie and looked up to the ceiling. “Mitzi, I hope you see now that you were wrong.”
~*~
Going to dinner at my parents’ house seemed like a catalyst for several events that snowballed in my life. Monday I was up earlier than I wanted to be considering sleep had been hard to come by, but I was going to do everything I could to avoid Sam. I wished I hadn’t hired him to remodel the store, but the contract had been signed and the check for the deposit had been written. I would at least have a few weeks’ break between his projects for me. Maybe by then this humiliation wouldn’t feel so acute, but I doubted it. Just like I knew I wouldn’t be getting over my feelings for him anytime soon. What was I thinking, allowing myself to have some romantic notion for him?
Sam’s words rang in my head about my family and how we couldn’t be together. Maybe if I looked like his ex-wife, he would reconsider. So he thought I was beautiful, or at least that’s what he said. I in no way compared to the women he dated. In eleven months, I was out of here. All it had taken was one month for me to make myself the laughingstock of Bella Port.
I arrived at the bookstore three hours before it opened. I was not risking a run-in with Sam. And this way I could hide in my office all day. I started my day with more cookies and coffee. While I ate, I looked at the brochures for treehouses. I was torn on what I should do. If I was planning on moving, should I build a new one? Or was it time for me to let go of it, just like everything else I loved? I couldn’t imagine selling Hollis Mansion, but even if I kept it, it wasn’t like I had reasons to visit once I left. Well, maybe Josie and Adam and my dad. But now hopefully my dad would visit me.
This friend of Sam’s had some spectacular designs. You could almost build one to live in. That was a thought, for Washington though. I couldn’t imagine why I would want to stay here. But what would Hollis Mansion be without a tree house? I didn’t have to make a decision right now. I still couldn’t believe in two days my beloved haven was going to be torn down. My life felt like a mess.
I set the brochures aside and started in on work emails. That’s when my phone rang. It was Sam. I stared at his name on the screen. It had only been a night and I missed him. Except for Jansen, I had never really missed a man before. And this was different than Jansen. When Jansen left for college my senior year of high school, I only missed him occasionally. That should have said something to me. Anytime I wasn’t around Sam, all I wanted to do was figure out a way to change that. I ignored his call. I knew any contact with him would only make me want him more.
Within a minute of the last ring, he texted, Are you okay?
I wasn’t, but I would be. Yes. Have a good day. I threw my phone on the desk, hoping that would be it. Didn’t he realize how ridiculous I felt? I guess not.
Do you want to meet for dinner?
I don’t think that’s a good idea.
I wish things could be different.
I couldn’t believe that. I didn’t know much about relationships, but I did know that if you really wanted to be with someone, you would find a way to make it work. All he was telling me was I wasn’t worth the effort. On that depressing note, I got to work.
I placed an order for the books on the assigned reading list for the local high school, my alma mater, Bella Port High School. I didn’t have the normal high school memories like most people. It was neither a good nor bad experience. I looked at it as a stepping stone, so I showed up, got good grades, and flew beneath the radar. Besides Jansen, I really had no friends. My senior year was lonely, but I found solace in books and Mitzi. I didn’t even attend the graduation ceremony or any celebratory events surrounding the occasion. The night of graduation, Mitzi took me to Mobile for a Shakespeare festival. My parents gave me a hundred dollars. Maggie got a car for her graduation. My mother’s justification was that she was going to be living off campus. I was living off campus too by the time my sister graduated two years after me. Out of guilt, I’m sure, my dad sent me a check for a thousand dollars. It was the only help I ever received from him during college.
Why did I move back here?
Around lunch time, Jana dropped by my office. She knocked before she peeked her head in. “Did you and Sam finally make a love connection over the weekend?”
I looked up from my laptop. My face must have given her all the answer she needed. Her face scrunched together. She let herself the rest of the way into my office. “What happened, honey?”
“What would you think about owning this place?”
She leaned back. “Whoa. This doesn’t sound good.”
“I hate this place. Not the bookstore—I love that—but this town.”
She took a seat in front of my desk. Her eyes were full of concern. “Why don’t you tell me what happened.”
“Does it really matter?”
“I would say so by your behavior.”
“Do you think there is something wrong with me? Be brutally honest.”
“We all have a little something wrong with us, but I can’t name a flaw about you.”
“My mother would disagree with you, and so would Sam.”
“You’re mother . . .” She paused. “How do I say this nicely? No one loves her more than herself, and people like that don’t know how to love anyone else. Now Sam, on the other hand—”
“Sam told me he doesn’t want to be with me.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I can’t believe it. He was acting like a lovesick fool around you.”
“I’m the only fool here. I was upset after the blow up at my parents’ house and—”
Her eyes widened.
“It’s a story for another day. Let’s just say it was enough to make Sam think twice about getting involved with me. And he doesn’t like that I have more money than him and where I earned my degree. Or maybe it’s because I’m plain and he can have any woman he wants.” I choked out. I hadn’t meant to get emotional.
In motherly fashion, she hopped up and came around the desk. Before I knew it, she was embracing me. And did I ever need it. Like a child, I cried on her shoulder.
She patted my back. “It’s all going to be okay. Don’t you worry your beautiful head. Sam will come around. He’ll swallow his pride, mark my words.”
“I don’t think this is an ego thing. He doesn’t want the same issues he had with his ex-wife and her family.”
“Desiree? Everyone knew that girl was trouble. You are far and above a better woman. And if Sam can’t or won’t see it, it’s his loss. My bet is he’s scared. And don’t take this the wrong way, but your family is . . .”
“Messed up.”
She laughed. “That’s putting it nicely.” She gave me another squeeze. “I’m sure Mitzi would want me to tell you not to place your worth in the hands of another, but I know she thought Sam’s hands were the right ones to be in.”
“She was bound to be wrong once in her life.”
“We shall see.”
Chapter Eighteen
I was able to avoid any face-to-face contact with Sam all of Monday and Tuesday by leaving early and coming home well past dark. The only contact I had from my family was a phone call from my dad to check on me.
I will say Sam had been busy—the porch looked done to me, but he texted he had some touch ups to complete and that he would be there Wednesday morning when the treehouse came down. I told him not to bother. I didn’t need him to hold my hand in the figurative or physical sense. Not to say I didn’t want him to, but Mitzi had the right idea all along. Single was the way to be. It was much less complicated and painful.
Sam did not heed my attempts to push him completely out of my life. He showed up Wednesday morning at the same time as the treehouse removal crew. I’m sure on purpose. He stood by my side while Chase explained the process and as I signed the paperwork permitting the destruction of my place. My hand shook as I signed and initialed. I felt tears brewing, but I was too embarrassed to let them fall. “I want to take one more picture before you dismantle it.”
“Of course.” Chase took the paperwork out of my hand.
I took my phone out of my dress pants and walked toward the old oak tree. I felt like my heart would break in two.
Sam walked by my side. “Look at this as a new beginning.”
“I don’t think I’m going to rebuild it. It can never be replaced. Any magic that happened here is over. I’m going to close up Hollis Mansion next year and move back to Seattle.”
“You’re giving up?”
I stopped and glared at him. “It isn’t as bad as never trying.” Maybe that wasn’t true, but it sure felt good to say it.
Sam took off his baseball cap and ran his fingers through his dark, matted hair. His eyes penetrated mine. “Paige.” He stepped closer toward me.
“It’s all for the best.” I turned from him and took a few pictures of my memories. A few tears slid down my cheek.
Sam took my hand.
For just a moment I took comfort in it. Then a rush of emotion hit me. Our hands belonged together. I had to pull mine away. “We can’t have it both ways.”
His shoulders dropped, but he nodded his head.
“It’s show time,” Chase called out in excitement. He had no idea what he was doing was going to kill me a little bit inside.
Sam and I stood far back as the crew taped off the area as a warning. The sounds of power tools and electric saws made me queasy. I held onto my stomach.
“You don’t have to watch.” Sam’s eyes were fixed on me.
I shook my head. I had to be there. I didn’t get to be there in Mitzi’s final hours, and for some odd reason, this felt like watching a loved one pass. With the first cut and crack of the wood, I winced. I noticed Sam reach out for me, but before he actually touched me, he pulled back. Oh, how I wished I was wrapped up in him. Maybe then it would have hurt less. The noise was deafening and the sound of wood falling was sickening. But after several minutes the commotion quieted.
Chase yelled from inside the tree. “There are some initials carved in the tree, hidden by one of the two-by-fours.”
I looked at Sam. “Did he say initials?”
Sam nodded.
We both drew closer to the tree.
Chase leaned out of the tree. “Says here, MAH loves RLJ. Do you know those people?”
“Could you repeat that?” I was in shock, so much so I gripped Sam’s arm.
“MAH loves RLJ,” Chase yelled louder this time.
It couldn’t be. I only knew one MAH and one RLJ. It had to be a coincidence. Surely it didn’t mean who I thought.
“Paige, do you know who that is?” Sam was curious.
I dropped his arm and ran toward the house. I wasn’t sure what I would find, one way or the other, to substantiate my hunch, but I was going to tear the house apart looking for it if I had to.
Sam came running after me. “Is everything okay? Who are MAH and RLJ?”
“Don’t worry about me.” And it was none of his business who the initials belonged to. I ran up the back-porch steps and through the door, locking it on my way in, in case Sam decided to follow. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone at the moment. My heart pounded as I ran up the stairs to the master bedroom. I looked under Mitzi’s old bed I had been sleeping in and it was cleared out. I carefully looked through every drawer in both dressers and the nightstands. Next was the closet where I pulled out a few boxes that were left on the shelves. I hadn’t had the time to go through them yet.
I scattered the contents of the first box on the hardwood floor. It was mostly old photographs and some trinkets my grandmother, whom I had never met, left Mitzi. I looked at each photo, which were mostly of Mitzi and me. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I relived some of the sweet memories the photos held. But I didn’t have time to walk down memory lane. There wasn’t one picture to prove my theory. I removed the lid of the second box, which was quite a bit heavier, to find old yearbooks and photo albums. Things I had never seen before. And there was a note. My unsteady hand unfolded the paper.
Darling,
Read with caution. Sometimes the truth is better left alone, but it always has a way of coming out. I don’t know why I didn’t burn these old things or toss them in the trash. But, I felt like someday I would need you to know the truth. To understand. I know this will come as a shock to you, but the only man I ever loved was your father.
I gasped. It was true. Mitzi Anne Hollis loved Robert Lee James. How could that be? Did my mother know?
We met my first year at UF. He was a sight to behold. I fell head over heels. I thought he felt the same way. When we parted for summer break, we promised to write every day while he did an internship in Michigan at a steel factory. He wrote me the most beautiful letters. They are all here. I couldn’t wait to return in the fall. I was so excited my sister was joining me. I thought it would be the best year of my life. When our parents dropped us off, I finally got to introduce your father to everyone. Those first few weeks back we picked up like we had never been apart, but then things started to change. I began to notice the stolen glances between Cassandra and Robert.
Cassandra was the belle of the county, but I thought for sure Robert’s love was true. I never imagined my sister or he would betray me in such a way. I don’t know all the ins and outs of it, only that before I knew it, Robert had left me for her. Your mother never even pretended to be sorry about it. She said she had done me a favor. They married the following year.
I meant to never have anything to do with them, but when my mother fell ill, I came back to Bella Port and helped Daddy take care of her. Then Blair was born, and when he came to visit, I couldn’t resist the tyke. But then, Darling, the most wonderful thing happened to me. You. I felt a kindred spirit in you from the day I first held you. I vowed then to not let my sister poison you. Your father, by that time, had become a whimpering idiot, a shell of the man I fell in love with, and I knew he was inadequate for the job. So maybe your mother did me a service, but I knew in my heart he would have been a different man with me.
Now you know my deepest hurt; why your life was unfair. I’m sorry Paige-ala, but I couldn’t let her take your soul. I knew inserting myself into your life would cause a chasm between you and your mother, but I wasn’t going to let her mold you like she did Maggie. You were too pure, too good. Everything I did was for you—the store, the money, the house, all my planning. It all centered on you. And maybe a little sweet revenge. I do hope you are getting some.
Darling, know I died happy and at peace. I will admit part of me always loved your father, but I did not die bitter or with regrets. You were the reason for my life. I only wish to know you are happy. Don’t be afraid of love. Get married and have lots of babies. The world needs more of you in it. And don’t mourn me. I’m having the time of my life from the front row watching you.
