One Night Only, page 17
A new Essie rose from the ashes. One who’d learned valuable lessons from the way she’d treated Ash. Yes, she’d hurt him and lost him—he’d already retreated behind the walls he’d constructed long ago, the defences she’d helped to refortify.
But Ash, and to some degree Ben, had taught her something. In loving Ash, she fully understood herself worthy of love in return. She wanted his love, even though she could survive without it. She had all the theory, and now the confidence in her ability to practise and live an authentic life. Not sit and wait for the scraps others tossed her way.
She took the annual cheque—her father’s way of appeasing his own demons for his life choices and one she’d resolutely rejected since her fifteenth birthday—and tore it in two. With the birthday ritual complete, she dropped both halves and the card into the bin, donned her sunglasses and left for the Tube station, her step lighter.
Half an hour later she waltzed into The Yard to find Ben and Ash drinking coffee together at the bar.
Her feet stalled for a brief second as Ash’s eyes landed on her. She’d wronged him, hurt him in the worst way. He might not be able to love her in return, but she was done apologising for loving him.
‘Good. You’re both here. I need to speak to you.’ Essie stood before them, clutching the straps of her backpack.
Two sets of wide, wary eyes followed her—one so like her own, her insides trembled—and what she’d come to say clogged in her throat. The other so blue, she imagined she could see inside Ash, to his deepest darkest fears. And maybe she could. Maybe she’d always been able to. But she couldn’t see what she wanted to see.
She’d messed up, but she’d survive.
All humans shared the same basic longings—safety, love, acceptance. She deserved those things and so did Ash. But it was too late for him to find them with her. She’d ruined what tiny chance they’d had.
Essie turned her burning eyes away from Ash and focussed on her brother, her chin lifted. Slipping the backpack from her shoulder, she retrieved the letter she’d composed at six a.m. this morning after writing her latest blog post on the importance of self-love, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, and handed it over to a puzzled Ben.
She cleared her throat. ‘I’m handing in my notice.’
Ben took the envelope with a wince. Essie ploughed on—she needed to get all she wanted to say out, before emotion paralysed her vocal cords. Because she was done being needy. Done waiting for other people’s approval. Done with scientific theory.
She would survive the practice and emerge improved, wiser, unstoppable.
Her bruised heart would heal eventually.
Essie cleared her throat. ‘As we only had a verbal contract, I won’t be working that notice, but you’ll be fine without me.’ Ash could wax lyrical on the ins and out of employment law as long as he liked. They wouldn’t force her to stay. And Ben didn’t really need her. His clubs were well-oiled machines. She suspected he’d offered her the job as some sort of olive branch, and she loved that he’d tried to make amends for their father.
‘I know you only employed me because you somehow felt responsible for what Frank did. But there’s no need. If you’re short-staffed, I recommend promoting Josh to my position as manager, until you find someone permanent. He’s way more qualified than I am anyway.’
She flicked her stare to Ash, her lungs on fire and pressure building behind her eyes so she was tempted to don the sunglasses. How long would it take him to replace her in his bed? Would he even bother? Perhaps he’d go back to his lonely one-night rule. She loved him enough to want more than that for him, even when, because of her foolish actions, it couldn’t be her.
‘Essie,’ said Ben.
She held up her hand. She needed to say everything she’d come here to say. ‘Going forward, I want us to have a real relationship. We have a chance to build a lasting bond, away from the usual influences of childhood sibling rivalry. I don’t resent you for getting a phone before me or being allowed to stay up later and you never had to play dress-ups with me or read me dumb stories.’
He grinned, giving her the courage to continue.
‘If you want to be a part of my life like I want to be a part of yours—’ her breath caught, but she sucked in air through her nostrils, fighting the burn behind her eyes ‘—you’ll meet me halfway.’
She shrugged, her whole body buzzing with renewed energy.
Ben nodded, his eyes sliding to Ash. ‘Of course I want that.’ He reached for her hand and squeezed her fingers. ‘But what will you do without a job?’
She squeezed back. ‘I have plenty to do. I want to put more time into promoting my blog to wider audiences, and I’m thinking of writing a book. It turns out I have something valuable to say about relationships. I’m a bit of an expert in the field, actually.’ She winked at him. ‘You know you’re damned lucky I’m your sister, don’t you?’
She swung her backpack onto her shoulder and offered a beaming Ben a small smile. She loved him. Always would. But her happiness was her responsibility—no more waiting around for someone else’s acceptance or approval. No more settling.
And Ash...
Her eyes stung and she blinked away the burn.
Well, that was over. She’d hurt him, and he couldn’t love her back. But she’d meant what she’d said to him last night.
Her vocal cords constricted, almost choking off her newfound bravery.
As if sensing the private moment, Ben muttered something about making an important phone call and disappeared.
Part of Essie wanted to follow him. But it was time to own her mistakes and her feelings.
His expression was closed off, wary. The last shred of hope inside her withered and died. ‘I know I messed up. I’m truly sorry I hurt you and I hope one day you can forgive me.’
Her voice broke, but she smiled through the scalding heat behind her eyes. ‘But more importantly, and I’m saying this because I love you and I want you to be happy, I hope one day you’ll want more with someone. You deserve more.’
He swallowed, his jaw bunched. Her hand itched to touch him, to feel the silk of his hair or the scrape of his scruff. She dug her nails into her palm and looked down, her own vision swimming. ‘I allowed what my father did to hold me back but I’m done with that. Don’t let yours hold you back, Ash.’
With a final, slightly wobbly smile, she turned her back on the man she loved and made her way out into the sun of a new day.
* * *
‘What did she say?’ Ben joined Ash at the window, where he’d moved to stare after a retreating Essie.
He shrugged, his lungs too big for his chest as he grinned at his friend. ‘She’s magnificent, isn’t she?’
Every nerve, every muscle, every impulse in him fired, urging him to chase after her. He’d missed her beautiful, ready smile, her effervescent personality and her dirty laughter over one of her own jokes. But he’d put paid to her trust with his bastard move last night. He had no intention of suing her. He’d been angry. He’d lashed out.
Asshole.
Now he had something his friend needed to hear.
‘I love her.’
Ben swivelled to face him. ‘Of course you do. Dickhead.’ He thumped Ash’s shoulder, making his point.
Ash sighed, a wistful smile tugging his mouth. He’d been blind long enough. ‘I allowed my hang-ups to cloud my judgment. You don’t need me to tell you she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. To both of us.’
Ben nodded, still looking a little dazed by his sister’s declarations. ‘What are you going to do?’
Ash retraced his steps, his restless limbs unable to stand still for a minute longer, and tossed a note on the bar to cover the coffees. ‘I’m going to do what I should have done at the wedding. I’m going to fight for her.’
Ben nodded. ‘You’d better not hurt my sister again.’
Ash shook his head, his mouth pulled to a grim line. ‘I will. I’m a fuck-up. But she’ll put me right.’ He grinned. ‘Just like she did you.’
Ben nodded, another incredulous smile tugging his mouth.
Ash released a long sigh. ‘Now, I’m going to say the same thing to you. You’d better always be there for my woman when she needs you. You’re the man of her family—time to step up.’
Eyes rounded, Ben nodded. Then he grinned. ‘Looks like we both have some ground to make up.’ He reached out his hand and Ash shook on it.
‘Good luck,’ they said in unison.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
ASH STEPPED INSIDE the relative gloom of the stuffy university hall, his throat so dry he’d never be able to say what he’d come here to say. He rolled his shoulders, scanning the mingling crowds for her golden hair. He’d come to present the most important closing argument of his life. No time for nerves or hesitancy.
This was what he did.
He won.
Every negotiation.
How he’d managed to fool himself he could live without her astounded him. For an intelligent man, used to getting his own way, how had he blocked his own path for so long?
He gripped the bag containing the rain boots tighter, the smell of new rubber reminding him of what was at stake. Had he waited too long? Woken up to himself too late?
He spotted her and his heart jerked out of rhythm.
A stunningly dressed Essie, as he’d never seen her before, stood not ten feet away. She wore a fitted green dress that outlined every one of her perfect curves, matching green skyscraper heels and a light smattering of make-up, which accentuated her rosy complexion and bright eyes. Her hair was loose, styled in soft waves that made his clenched fingers itch, and a formal graduation gown completed the look.
Damn, he wanted to mess her up. To peel from her the smart, professional outfit and tangle her hair while he kissed her senseless until she believed what he had to say. Believed it down to her bones. Because he meant it and he’d waited too long to tell her.
Ben caught his eye as he strode towards the siblings, his steps determined.
Essie turned at the last moment, the laughter at whatever Ben had said sliding from her exquisite face. A bubble of stilted anticipation enclosed them as the conversations around them muted into background noise.
‘What’s with the wellies?’ said Essie, eyeing his bag. He deserved the cold shoulder after giving her that notice of legal action. But that wasn’t Essie’s style.
Ash pressed his lips together. Now wasn’t the time for laughter. But of course she would say the thing he least expected. So full of surprises, so refreshing, so unique. His Essie.
Don’t get ahead of yourself, asshole.
‘If you mean these—’ he held up the rain boots ‘—a graduation present. Congratulations, Dr Newbold.’
She eyed the spade sticking up next to the boots in silence, keeping his worthless ass on tenterhooks.
He should have come here today with champagne and flowers and a fucking brass band. But he’d got what he’d told her from day one he’d wanted—her out of his life, him out of hers.
What an idiot.
Her magnificent bravery and heartfelt declaration yesterday had been the final slap he’d needed to wake up. Ash himself acted as the only barrier standing in the way of contentment. He’d done the hard part, breaking free of his old life, free of the poisonous relationship with his father. The rest, loving Essie, was easy.
Now all he had to do was grab hold of this wonderful woman, pray she’d walk alongside him and never let go. If she’d have him.
That remained to be seen. But if forced to do this in front of this room full of gowned academics like some sappy idiot from a romantic comedy movie, he would.
Ben cleared his throat. ‘I’ll uh...go find your mum and get us some champagne.’ With a look that said ‘don’t fuck this up’, his friend offered them privacy.
Ash gestured Essie to accompany him to the less crowded foyer. She obliged and he followed the sway of her gorgeous ass that was unfortunately obliterated by her billowing gown.
In a deserted corner, she turned her big blue eyes on him.
‘I bluffed about the lawsuit. I was angry. I’m sorry.’
The longer she looked at him, wary and hesitant, the more his intestines knotted. ‘I fucked up, too.’ He held her stare, willing her to hear the earnest regret in his voice. He stepped closer, taking an indulgent second to register how fantastic she smelled, how he wanted to wake up tomorrow with her scent in his hair, on his sheets, and every morning after that.
She pointed at the shovel. ‘You bought me a shovel? Are we burying a corpse?’
This time he couldn’t hold in the laughter. He was messing this up. And she applied her usual quirky sense of humour to help him out.
His fingers twitched, desperate to reach out and cup her waist. To drag her closer. He eyed her full mouth, which was painted red. ‘Someone once told me to consider my carbon footprint and I promised I’d plant a forest. Fun fact—did you know a flight from New York to London produces eighty-four tons of the greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide?’
She stared at him for so long, her features an unreadable mask, a countdown began in his head as if he waited for the gavel to fall.
‘I know you’re celebrating with your family, so I’ll cut straight to my closing statement.’ Not a flicker of her beautiful smile. Damn—his best lawyer humour... ‘You were right. I allowed the poor way I’d dealt with my past to stand in the way of us, and I’d like you to consider taking me back.’ Her lips parted a fraction.
‘Now, before you send the jury out to consider, let me present my evidence.’
‘Aren’t you supposed to do that before you close?’ She tilted her head.
Heat raced up his spine. She was magnificent. Keeping him on his toes, challenging him, calling him out on his bullshit. How had he been so blind for so long? How was he managing to keep his hands off her?
‘Good point. The thing is, I’ve done a little research myself. I’m sure you know all about Sternberg’s triangular theory of love?’
She shrugged, her colour heightening a fraction. ‘I do.’
So far, so good.
‘We definitely have the passion, or we did have, until I behaved like a douche and overreacted. We also have the intimacy down pat.’ His hand cupped her waist, fingers flexing to draw her another millimetre into his space. ‘Two out of three isn’t bad, as the song goes.’
She didn’t step away, her eyes lifting to stare him down. ‘The thing is, Ash, I’m no longer willing to settle for two thirds of what I deserve.’
His groin stirred at her proximity. At her demanding her absolute dues. Fuck, if this went his way, he’d hold on tight and never let her go.
‘You don’t have to, because I came here today to tell you I’m completing the triangle.’
She raised one eyebrow. ‘Commitment?’
He nodded, an unfettered smile taking over his face. ‘I’m all in. I want you. Every second I’ve spent with you has been the best fun. And, unless I fuck it up, which I plan not to, I know there’s more fun in our future.’ He dropped the bag and reached for both her hands, holding them between their bodies. ‘I love you, Essie. Is it too late?’
She stared.
The gavel clattered to the block, the harsh clap of the hardwood echoing inside his skull.
He’d blown it.
But then she jumped into his arms, her hands tugging his neck and her body pressed to his as she kissed the shock from him with the enthusiasm he’d grown to expect. This woman was incapable of half measures, one of the things he loved most about her. Her honesty. Her emotional availability. Her complete lack of artifice. What you saw was what you got. And he wanted it all.
With his arms banded around her waist, he hauled her feet from the floor, groaning into her mouth as he swung her in a circle and then lowered her and broke free.
‘I messed up your lipstick.’ He wiped a smudge from her chin.
‘I don’t care.’ She laughed, smearing the rest of the colour from his lips with her fingertips. ‘That was quite a statement, counsellor.’
He shrugged. ‘Some things are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.’
He swooped on her again, his tongue delving into her mouth and his hand slipping beneath her ceremonial gown to cup her waist and press her close. She pulled back with a small sigh, her eyes slumberous with lust.
‘Wanna go to a stuffy degree ceremony lunch? I guarantee it won’t be fun.’
He nodded, warmth spreading from his chest to the tips of his fingers, which held her a little tighter.
‘As long as I can peel you out of this later, Dr Newbold.’ He fingered the edge of the ceremonial gown. ‘Or perhaps you could keep it on. That might be fun. Ever made love in a cap and gown?’
She laughed, shaking her head. ‘Call me doctor again.’ She writhed in his arms, waking up the parts of him inappropriate for the setting.
‘Doctor.’ He nuzzled her neck.
‘Counsellor, I think you’ve just won your case.’
‘No, I’ve won something better—you.’
They sealed the contract with a kiss.
* * *
Essie pushed the spade into the dirt and struck a rock. The field bordering a track of mature woodland on the Oxfordshire estate owned by Alex was marked out with rows of bagged tree saplings ready for planting. ‘How many more do we have to plant before that delicious lunch you promised me?’
Ash laughed. ‘Well, if you want to accompany me to New York for Christmas, you have to plant this whole forest.’
Essie pouted and attacked the rock in earnest. The quicker they planted the damn trees, the quicker she could get Ash naked. She glanced over at him dressed down in jeans and a T-shirt. As mouth-watering as ever. Who cared about greenhouse gases when Ash was around?
