One Night Only, page 14
He was making a meal of this. Was it better to say the words outright, to rip off the bandage with a vicious tear, that would bleed him out quicker, but shorten the sting? Or keep them in and protect himself.
‘I discovered my father had cheated. More than the affair my mother knew about.’ Essie stopped breathing and her pulse thrummed against his skin. ‘I was the one who had to deliver that news. I didn’t want her to hear it from someone who didn’t care about her.’
Her head lifted, tugging her hair from between his fingers, her face wreathed in understanding.
‘That must have been horrible for you.’ She sat up, crossing her legs and drawing the duvet into her lap to cover her nakedness. ‘How did you find out?’
Ash nodded, the urge to flee the room and the shameful scrutiny strong. If he’d detected one hint of pity in her expression he’d already have hit the shower, but Essie’s brow pinched in confusion.
‘From the horse’s mouth—my father told me. We’d...had a disagreement. He didn’t like the way I’d dared to call him out on his bullshit so he lashed out, like he derived pleasure from inflicting the knowledge on me. The coward knew I’d tell her.’
He linked his hands behind his head as he shrugged it off.
‘Some people are cowards. I understand your fears for Harley.’
‘I just worry that she’ll be hurt. As it is, she’s marrying without her father present and our mother...’ He sucked in a breath, and rose to sit on the side of the bed. ‘She didn’t know about that particular affair until I informed her.’
He swallowed bile. ‘It turned out to be the last straw for her.’ He stood and made his way to the door of the en-suite. ‘So, you understand my trepidation about this...happy occasion?’
Essie’s teeth worried at her lip, her eyes scraping him raw.
Tell her. Tell her everything.
He backed away. She had the sense to give him space.
He stepped under the steamy blast of the shower, welcoming the pound of the water as a replacement for the waves of self-directed emotion. He was a coward, too. Holding back, convincing himself he was happy. That he was justified in his mistrust.
And he still carried the full burden of guilt and self-loathing, not the half measure Essie had promised.
She joined him, as he’d known she would. She’d kept her promise, but offered silent comfort, just by her presence. Her touch, tentative at first, as if she was uncertain of her reception, grew bolder. She reached for the body wash and tipped a measure into her palm before sliding soap-slicked palms over his chest, abdomen and shoulders. When she moved behind him to soap his back, she pressed her mouth between his shoulder blades.
‘I’m sorry that happened to you. Do you want me to go home?’
He turned to face her, scooping his arm around her waist and hauling her up so his mouth covered hers. ‘No.’
Within seconds their lazy kisses grew torrid. Her slippery skin slid against his as she writhed and moaned in his arms, her hands clutching at him. Her fingers twisted in his wet hair and she angled his head and twisted her mouth away. ‘I want you.’
He’d recovered sufficiently to be fully on board. Slamming off the water, he scooped Essie up and lifted her from the shower. In two strides, he’d deposited her on the bed, still sopping wet, and fell to his knees between her spread thighs.
His mouth covered her, a hint of soap and whole lot of delicious Essie. He worked her higher, her moans and gasps telling him when the time was right. With a curse, he tore his mouth from her and quickly covered himself with a condom.
When he pushed inside her, she gripped his face, her blue stare burning into him in unspoken unity.
They climaxed together, eyes locked, cries mingling and the blurred and broken lines of fun scattered all around them.
* * *
Getting out of London, especially for the romance of an impromptu wedding at one of the UK’s most lavish private estates, complete with a boutique winery and hotel, carried a surreal quality akin to flying to Paris, just to go clubbing. Essie, giggly with excitement, relaxed back into the leather upholstery of Ash’s Mercedes, and tried not to drool at the confident, manly way he handled the luxury car.
It was the same confident, manly way he handled everything, especially when commanding her pleasure with skilled, devastating proficiency.
Ash was quiet, a fact she wanted to attribute to him driving on unfamiliar roads, but she couldn’t deceive herself after his late-night revelations. What should have been a joyous family occasion had huge potential to become a trigger. Hers wasn’t the only dysfunctional family in the world.
Essie shifted in the seat, restless.
That Ash had opened up to her on Saturday night enclosed her in a warm cocoon. She longed to reassure him about today. That his own pain at being left by his fiancée would pass. That his mother surely didn’t blame him for stepping up. That his sister had her own life to live with a man who wasn’t Hal Jacob.
Perhaps he regretted opening up to her. Many men struggled to talk about their feelings. She’d bide her time. He had enough going on with his family drama.
She’d spent all of Sunday, after a late start, where she’d crawled home from Ash’s apartment to catch up on mundane life things like laundry and bill-paying and checking on her flatmate. Of course, she also had to catch up on her latest blog post, entitled Love is in the air—is it catching? It was wedding season, after all. She glanced over at Ash, prickles of guilt dousing her high.
Her blog continued to attract new followers and the ads she’d incorporated on her website, featuring well-respected books on relationships, had high click-through rates. People couldn’t get enough of Illegally Hot, if the comments were any indication. But she hadn’t mentioned him in the last few posts. His pain was real—not entertainment fodder.
In the beginning, writing about her overwhelming attraction to Ash and his extreme bedroom skills had helped control the impact he’d had on her life. Helped her to rationalise that she was simply, for the first time, party to a healthy, equal-terms relationship based on spectacular sex. But now... She shuddered. Every social media mention, every new follower, every demand for more of Illegally Hot carried with it a hundred tiny barbs to her conscience.
Perhaps she should confess. Explain why she’d done such a reckless and thoughtless thing.
No. She’d never actually used any identifiers—he’d never know he was Illegally Hot. He’d never read the blog. And this wouldn’t last for ever—Ash would move on and she would chalk up this experience and believe in herself and what she had to say.
Because she was no longer Essie the downtrodden, the ignored, the inconvenient. She was part of something wonderful, respectful and mutually satisfying. And with a man as incredible as Ash.
And her relationship with Ben was also looking up. Essie hugged the memory of his thoughtful present to her chest. She’d all but sobbed over him on Saturday night.
I always wanted a sibling... I’m just glad it’s you.
That he would make such a heartfelt declaration went a long way to healing the past hurts and humiliations inflicted by their father. Ben respected her. He was starting to value her as a part of his life, as her inclusion in today’s nuptials proved.
Ash exited the A40 to Oxford and headed into the green and gold countryside. The sun glinted off fields of barley, filling Essie with a momentary sense of the contentment she’d craved her whole adult life. She was spending time with her brother and his friends, welcomed into his social circle.
An equal.
Valued.
Important.
‘What do you think of our English countryside?’ So Ash wouldn’t want to talk about Saturday night, or the wedding today, but they could still converse.
‘Very pretty.’
‘Don’t you miss New York?’ Of course she understood why working with his father at the family firm would be awkward, but why set up shop in London, why move away from your entire life?
He shrugged, non-committal. ‘The Jacobs are never absent from the business pages or the gossip columns for long.’ He concentrated on the road, his mouth a grim line. But Essie was more concerned about the growing constriction to her chest.
‘My...confrontation with my father happened in the open-plan offices of Jacob Holdings. Someone snapped a photo. The next thing I know, the whole humiliating business is splashed online, as if our sordid, fucked-up family drama is entertainment.’
Her lungs seized. He’d left New York to get away from his personal life and that of his parents’ divorce being played out like a soap opera on the internet?
He jerked his chin. ‘It was my fault. I hurt my mother. I should have spoken to Hal in private. When he confessed his...affair, I acted hot, without thinking, and I caused her pain. Humiliation.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’ Her voice croaked past her scratchy throat.
He shook his head, nostrils flared. ‘It’s one thing to be betrayed by someone who’s supposed to love you. It’s another entirely to watch that devastation play out publicly, everyone judging, commenting, whispering.’ His lip curled.
Essie’s head spun. How could she tell him she’d used the amazing, no-strings sex between them as fodder for her blog? Poor, affection-starved, sex-starved Essie had cast aside her principles for a taste of success—the heady feeling of being taken seriously.
They’d travelled deep into the Oxfordshire countryside by now. Essie stared at the hedgerows without seeing the beauty, her mind churning in time with her stomach. Why had she been so impetuous? So irresponsible? Not only had she treated the man she’d come to know and to care for like a...like an object, she had no doubt Ash could slap her with a lawsuit that would blow her beloved blog and any future career as a clinical psychologist out of existence.
Should she tell him now about Illegally Hot?
He’d hate her. He’d call things off.
What if her poorly timed confession ruined the wedding? Harley deserved her big day. And his mother was flying in...
Hello, my name’s Essie. I shagged your son and then used the experience to flavour my online career...
What if she lost Ben and Ash in one fell swoop? She’d only have herself to blame.
As the silent miles passed, Ash lost to his thoughts, Essie to hers, she made a vow. A reckoning of her own making was heading her way. All she had to do was choose the right moment to explain to this amazing man why she’d done what she’d done.
Piece of wedding cake.
CHAPTER TEN
HE DESERVED A damned medal. He’d spent the entire afternoon and evening with a fake smile plastered on his face, walked his sister down the aisle and kept his opinions to himself, when all he wanted to do was drag Harley aside and beg her to reconsider her rash decision. He couldn’t deny the ceremony, under a rose-clad arbour, had been touching. And Harley looked so happy—even he’d had a lump in his throat, especially when he’d glanced sideways at a stunning Essie and seen her pretty eyes shining with emotion.
And he was man enough to accept that his feelings were about him. His issues. Nothing to do with Harley and Jack, who’d had the wedding they’d wanted today—intimate, full of laughter and in exquisite surroundings.
But he couldn’t shake his demons.
His mother, too, looked beautiful, but her face was drawn and pale. She’d lost weight in the weeks since he’d left New York. It couldn’t be easy for her being here alone at her daughter’s wedding, her brave face fooling no one. And he’d left her behind to deal with the fallout of her rotten marriage. To deal with the public speculation. To deal with his shame.
Ash looked out across the gently sloping vineyards from the terrace where he’d detoured after a trip to bathroom. He sucked in air that felt too thin and willed his stray emotions back under control.
This whole fucking wedding thing had unsettled him anew. Not because he was still hung up on the ex not worth his consideration, but because Essie’s gentle probing over the last few days and his cathartic confessions had thrown up comparisons, ones between him then and him now, and the evidence was growing increasingly hard to bury.
He’d struggled to answer Essie’s questions about love, because the truth was he could hand on heart admit that he probably hadn’t loved his fiancée. Not the way he should have. The way Essie described with her fun facts and scientific evidence. No wonder his ex had looked elsewhere.
And it wasn’t the loss of that imagined love that had hurt so much. It wasn’t even the lies, the deception. What hurt the most was that he’d handed over control of his happiness to those unworthy of it. He’d held himself back for so long after Maggie, believing the worst, something he never wanted to experience again.
All he’d done was live a half-life in between and then hurt others in his frustration with himself, his mother in particular.
Perhaps he was incapable of the kind of love Essie described. A chip off the old block. As ruthless, selfish and incapable of a meaningful, honest relationship as Hal Jacob. Genetics must count for something. But would he ever know if he refused to even consider the possibility?
Essie.
She was so open, so honest and so giving. Way too good for him with his issues and his rigid rules and his impenetrable guard.
Ash spun towards the festivities. He’d left her alone for too long. Not that he could claim her as his date, but, between him and Ben, they’d managed to keep both of their single sisters occupied on the dance floor all evening.
He re-entered the conservatory, his stare scanning for her. Her ready touch was the only thing to ease his restlessness. Her bright smile. And her dirty laugh. Even her fun facts.
The way she looked up at him. The way she embraced their chemistry with her cheeky sense of humour and her quirky logic. The way she commanded her femininity with grace and steely determination, and a massive heart.
He found her talking with Ben at the edge of the makeshift dance floor. The happy couple and Alex and Libby slow danced under the twinkle of a thousand lights.
Ben saw Ash approach and lifted his chin in greeting before kissing Essie’s cheek and heading towards the hotel’s main foyer.
Her porcelain skin glowed pale under the lights and her eyes peeled back his layers, leaving him raw and more conflicted than ever.
‘Are you okay?’ She stepped closer, her stare flicking to the dance floor before settling back on his.
Ash threw caution to the wind and curved his hand over her hip. He hated that he couldn’t touch her when he wanted to. Hated that he’d left it to Harley to introduce her to his mother as ‘Ben’s sister’. Hated that the past he couldn’t let go, his hang-ups, had placed a filter across her pretty eyes.
‘I’m fine. Are you having fun?’
She nodded. Her hand brushed his, fingers lingering for a second. ‘You don’t look fine.’
He couldn’t fool her. ‘I’m just worried about my mother—she’s lost a little weight. I feel responsible.’
Ash guided her to a chair and took the one opposite. Her small frown and worry-etched eyes slayed him. He shouldn’t have said anything. Should have allowed her to enjoy the festivities while he attended his pity party, solo.
He clasped both her hands in his while his mind raced with all the ways he’d been an idiot.
‘Have you talked it through with her? I’m sure she doesn’t hold you responsible.’
‘She doesn’t, but being the messenger of doom sucks whichever way you look at it. I can never take it back, or undo the pain.’
‘But you were right. Better she heard it from you than someone else.’ She paled and looked away. ‘I feel guilty...about Ben.’ Her teeth pulled at her lip. ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ She stared at her lap, where her hands clenched.
He spoke softly, too uncertain of his own thoughts, motivations and emotions. ‘How am I looking at you?’ How did he feel about her revelation?
‘Like you expect my brother to march you to the nearest church with a shotgun aimed between your shoulder blades.’ She was too perceptive. Saw him way too clearly.
‘I—’
Had their secret-keeping days come to an end? A natural conclusion? Her limpid eyes lanced him, and he wanted to wrap her in his arms, to carry her out of here and kiss her until she looked at him as she’d done on Saturday night after their shower.
‘Why don’t we talk about it when we’re back in London?’ It was about time he manned up. Came clean with Ben. It was his responsibility. He hadn’t been able to keep his hands off her, despite his damned pathetic rules. Perhaps if he ended things now, he could go to Ben in all honesty and say, ‘It happened, but it’s over.’
His guts twisted with eye-watering force.
The thought of going back to being friends with Essie, or even acquaintances, left him more impotent and off balance than when he’d sweated his way down the aisle this afternoon with his sister on his arm and a hundred different divorce scenarios in his head.
But Essie deserved a full relationship with her brother. He wouldn’t stand in the way.
She looked over his shoulder to where Harley, Hannah and Jack were huddled around Hannah’s phone laughing, probably at some atrocious selfie. ‘You have a great family. Aside from my mum, Ben’s all I have.’
Ash’s chest grew tighter and tighter. Telling Ben about them would shift things between him and Essie far outside the realms of fun. But if he was honest he’d lost his precious control of this attraction days ago.
Fight for her.
Where the fuck had that come from?
She looked wearier than he’d ever seen her. He’d underestimated the toll this had all taken on her, or he’d seen it but ignored it because he was selfish and wanted her still. He cupped her cheek. ‘Why don’t you head upstairs? Take a bath? Things are pretty much over here. Just some mushy shit going on over there.’ He jerked his head back in the direction of his sappy sisters, who were a bit tipsy and had sandwiched Jack between them on the dance floor for one last slow dance.
