The Option Play, page 25
“Mercy!” I exclaimed. “He got another girl pregnant?” She sobbed, which meant yes. “MC, I’m so sorry!”
“I’m at my sister’s for tonight but I have to move out of our apartment. The lease is in his name and I’m not staying there with him, not for another second! I remembered that before, Danni said you might be looking for a roommate…” She kept crying and talking.
“Oh, I’m sorry again,” I answered when she took a breath. “We really don’t have any place—no, I could make it work. You could sleep in my room with me, like, as a temp thing.”
“You’re a good friend, Caitlyn.” She bawled for a while and I wished I could have passed her tissues through the phone. “I knew that Shae was wrong about what she said.”
“What did she say?” I shot out.
“You know, about how you’d never really been devoted to the team, how you and Karma had been together for so long and you’d been hiding it from us all. How you were lying to your besties—”
“That’s really something, Mary Claire!” I furiously shredded dried herbs with my fingers and swept them into a container. “You have a lot of nerve saying that to me! You girls all dropped me as fast as you could when things got terrible in my life, when I needed you. We were friends, but you were the ones who acted like we weren’t! Now you’re just calling me because you need my help and that’s—that’s a really jerky move by you! And yeah, I’m still going to let you stay with me, but I think it’s jerky.” I nodded and my roommate Courtney looked impressed by my strong language. She nodded back and continued to chop broccoli.
Mary Claire sniffed. “You’re right,” she said. “It was totally jerky. We were all afraid. Shae kept telling us about the secret stuff you’d done, like the drugs—”
“What?” I yelled.
“And she said we were all going to get caught up in it and get in trouble like you had. You know, that they’d think we were the same as you because we’d been friends.”
“Were we?” I demanded, forgetting that I’d just been the one saying that yeah, we had been. “I don’t think a real friend would have believed those things about me. Obviously, Shae is just a big liar!”
“I’m sorry I believed her. We all did, and she’s been acting even worse than before. She was fun, right? But I started to change my mind about her when she put those extensions in your hair on your twenty-first. And now she tries to boss all of us around, and she and Bexley aren’t even speaking a word and it’s so awkward, and she’s mean to Danni,” MC agreed. “Shae said that Danni bragged all the time that she was the best one on the team—”
“Shea gave me those pink extensions?” I shook my head. “No, Danni thought that she was terrible! She lost all her confidence and could barely walk without falling. Shae was telling her lies too, that you guys thought she was snobby and were talking behind her back. The whole thing is just—childish!” I burst out. “It’s all very childish and silly. And I’m too old to play around like that. So there!” I stamped my foot.
“It is. It’s so childish and you’re so much more mature than the rest of us!”
I took a breath. “No, not really. And I can see how people can make mistakes. Not Shae, because I’m very mad at her, but you guys. She’s very easy to believe.” I had believed that she was my friend, for example, and I’d been very wrong.
“I’m totally sorry,” MC said again. “And I’m not just saying that because I need a place to live.”
“Well, I think that people can make a turnaround. Or more like, I think that people can grow up a lot, if they need to. I think I did. I’m still kind of working on that.”
“I hope Ray does, too. Actually, I hope he drives off a dock and they never find his dumb Jeep.”
I nodded, understanding her feelings. “Why are things so crazy on the team?” I asked. “Have the coaches lost control? Or are the captains bad?”
“I don’t get it either,” Mary Claire answered. “I just know that I’ll be glad when the season’s over, and the first game isn’t until next week. Rylah and Sam are going to have to make a lot of changes or they’re going to lose a lot of girls to other teams. In fact, Shae—oh. Never mind. I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”
“Yeah, you don’t have to tell me, if it’s a secret or something.”
There was a short silence. “Shae might leave,” MC burst out. “She’s saying that she got offered a film role in New York and she wants to take it. She says she wants to go because she’s just so bored in this little town, and she says that Brown is going with her.” She hesitated. “I hope that didn’t make you upset.”
“That she’s leaving?” I asked. “No, I’d be glad to never see her face again, ever in my life, except it will be hard on the rest of you Wonderwomen if she takes off mid-season.”
“I thought you might be upset about Brown,” she explained. “Shae also keeps telling everyone that you’re still in love with him. And she was onto something crazy yesterday…she said she heard that you and Kellen aren’t really together at all, that it was all a lie to promote him with the Woodsmen or something. Isn’t that ridiculous? After she’d told us all that you were sleeping with him for months and she told Brown that you’d cheated on him…”
“What?”
“Oh, yeah, I guess that night at the Silver Dollar, when he ripped your dress? She’d told him that you’d—”
“No, what did she say about me and Kellen? About us not being a real couple? Where did she hear that?” I demanded.
“I don’t know where she heard it. No, I do. She went out with someone else even though she’s with Brown, but I guess he doesn’t care because he does it too? That’s what she says, anyway.”
“Mary Claire, where did she hear that gossip about me and Kellen?” I asked louder.
“She got together with some guy who drove such a cool car, bright yellow like a banana—”
“A Ferrari Enzo,” I interrupted again. That would have been Landon Zalamero. The image guy. “Mercy. That’s totally unprofessional!”
“Huh? Yeah, I don’t agree with cheating, but if it’s more like an open relationship then I don’t see how it’s unprof—”
I started to wildly gather my vegetables. “MC, I have to go. You can come over tomorrow and we’ll figure out where you’ll stay. Just in case, bring a sleeping bag. And a pillow. And a towel. And some dried mugwort if you can, because I just bought some but it seems like we’re already running low.”
“Ok,” she said. “I think I have some in my purse, anyway.”
She did carry a really big bag. “Perfect.” Courtney, who was actually a great roommate in spite of my earlier complaints about her cooking, helped me quickly gather up the rest of what we’d prepped and I sped over to Kellen’s house to cook. I was in his kitchen trying to pull the dinner together and he surprised me by walking in—I wasn’t quite ready. This hadn’t been how I’d planned it.
“Oh!” I froze, spoon in hand. “I thought…” I looked at the clock. It was 7:17, exactly when he’d texted me that he’d arrive. “Dang it!” Now I looked around the room, which somehow had turned into a holy mess. “I’m having a little problem,” I explained. “I think that the reason that we ran out of mugwort was that I crumbled it up for my soup.” I pointed to the pot on his stove. “I was on the phone with MC while I was prepping and I wasn’t paying great attention, but I was thinking a lot about mugwort as I talked to her. Now I realize that the smell was reminding me of it.”
“What happened?” Kellen asked. He walked to me and looked carefully at my face. “Why are you so red and upset?”
He looked exhausted, himself. I’d wanted to have this all ready so he could eat a delicious—an ok-tasting meal and we’d have our talk with our stomachs full of a delicious—an ok-tasting soup and our minds full of the memory of me successfully cooking it. That was all a big fail. “Well, for one thing, I don’t think we can eat this dinner. Mugwort might be poisonous.” I glanced at the pot again, at all the brown, stick-like pieces floating in the liquid. “I also don’t think it’s going to taste very good.”
“That’s all right.” He bent and opened the oven, and removed a large casserole dish. “I prepared something as well.”
I sniffed. “Yeah. I guess we don’t need my dumb food.”
“Caitlyn, what’s the matter? I can’t believe that you’d cry over soup.”
“I can, if I want. I’m not crying but tears are a normal thing.” I started to wipe my eyes but realized I was doing it with the spoon. “I know you don’t like it when people cry, but it happens.”
Kellen held up the edge of his shirt and dried my tears more effectively. “I don’t care when other people cry and I think it’s a generally useless exercise. But when you do, I can’t stand it. I don’t want you to be upset and cry, micetta.” He dabbed gently. “Please tell me what’s wrong and we can fix it.”
“Shae knows,” I blurted out. “Shae knows, because Landon Zalamero told her. Everyone is going to know that we’re fake. It’s going to ruin your image, all that perception stuff is just shot now. Everyone will know that we’ve been lying, like my parents and the people at Helping Hands, at the body shop, everyone.” I waited for him to get upset too, but he only nodded at me. “Well? Don’t you care?”
“I already knew that.”
I stared. “You did? And you’re not worried?”
“He started divulging things after I fired him while we were in Florida. It was incredibly stupid for someone in his line of work, but he’d been hinting to a number of people. My lawyer contacted him. Zalamero’s contract contained a confidentiality clause just as yours did, and we enforced it. But no one would believe that about us, anyway.”
I had the same feeling as being dropped into the ocean: confusion, a slap of pain, and then a sudden awareness of what had happened. It all made perfect sense to me—it was now clear why Kellen hadn’t done the fake breakup, why he hadn’t announced to the whole social media world that we were over. It was because of this, because of the threat that he’d be exposed as a fake. He’d had to keep pretending in order to protect his image. It was all about perception.
“Oh. Oh, right,” I answered. I stepped away from him, away from the heat of his body and away from that delicious smell he always had. It outdid even the overpowering odor of the soup. “Right, no one would believe it.”
“You don’t need to worry either,” he went on. “Is that why you’re crying? Were you concerned that people would focus on you again?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “I didn’t think about that at all. I was thinking that you’d be so embarrassed, that it might mess up your endorsements and stuff. I thought of how my parents and everyone at Helping Hands like you and how they’d think you were a liar.” I turned toward the cupboards and took out his two plates, just the two that he had. If one was dirty, he could use the other, he’d explained, because he’d obviously never considered having visitors. “So I’m glad that won’t happen. I wasn’t the one who told…” I turned around, suddenly feeling worse. “No, I did. I did tell.”
Kellen got a huge frown. “What do you mean?”
“I talked to Gaby.”
“My coach’s wife. Why would you do that?”
“Because I had to talk to someone!” I exclaimed, waving the plates for emphasis. “I’ve been miserable about all this. No, not miserable, because I love to be with you, but I’ve been so confused, and I needed a sounding board. I needed advice about what to do about you.”
“What about me?” he asked. He took the plates from my hands. “Don’t throw dishes.”
“I’m not. This whole night is a failure, anyway, because I had a big plan and a speech, and now it’s not going to work.”
“Caitlyn—”
“Don’t call me that! I like when you call me the other thing. I thought it meant something.”
“It does,” he said. “The direct translation—”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying! I thought it meant something about how you felt about me.” I stopped and sighed. “I’m sorry. Is this one of the times you’re not getting it? It must be like when you start talking about econometrics to me, when I’m totally at sea. But maybe I won’t be for much longer, because I changed my classes around. I’m taking a lot of other stuff this year and I’ll have enough for a business minor. My dad and I had some really long discussions and I’m going to start working for him, like, I’m going to be a lot more involved in the business when I graduate. I’ll learn how to run it so that one day, he can retire and I’ll take over the shop. See? I’m getting things figured out. I moved out of their house and now I have plans for the future. I’ve been making so many changes. Aren’t you happy about them?”
Kellen put the plates on the counter and I took up the spoon again and attacked the pot. “Were those changes for me?” he asked. “To make me happy?”
“They were for me, too. For my parents, for everyone. I needed to grow up a lot,” I admitted. “Didn’t I? You thought I needed to, and you were right. You know, I even made my favorite jean shorts so small, we’re going to have to keep them until maybe Gaby has another girl baby.”
“The laundry,” he remembered. “You didn’t do your own laundry.”
“I do, now. And I can learn to cook.” I looked at the soup, which smelled so strongly of mugwort that this house was never going to have a problem with spiritual activity. “Probably.”
“I don’t need that. I don’t want that,” he said. “I’m glad if you’re happy with what you’re doing now, but I don’t think you need to change at all, not in any way.”
“Well, that’s how I feel about you,” I told him. “I think you’re just…wonderful. I love how you take things so seriously, how you know exact minutes and distances and the right word for everything. I love that you think my eyes match my parents’ couch.”
“They’re so beautiful,” he said. “They’re so warm and alive. I’ve been trying to find that same couch because I love the color so much.” Kellen put his palm against my cheek. “I love how you don’t take things seriously. I love how you have fun wherever you are, that you make the best of everything. I love how you cuddle me. I never thought I’d want to be cuddled, in fact, I never thought I’d use that word, but you hold me so, so tightly and I love it. I wish for you to go to sleep so that you’ll do it again.”
“I’ll do that when you’re awake,” I promised. “I’ll do that all the time, because I love it, too.”
“You’ve never been afraid of me,” he went on. “You’ve never been intimidated and you face down everything, except for marine animals.”
“It’s because I’m a grown woman and I’m in charge of my life.” I was, too.
He nodded. “But I’m afraid…” He stopped.
“What?” I asked. “What could you be afraid of, when you’re so good at everything? And if you’re not good at it, you make yourself that way!”
“I swore that I’d never be someone like my father. I promised myself that I’d never allow a relationship, a woman, to control me. To ruin me.”
I used the spoon to push his hand away from my face. “Most women wouldn’t do that. Maybe your mom did, or Shae would, but I sure wouldn’t. I would just want to make things better for you. Happier, fuller, lighter. I don’t know the word.”
“Those are perfect words.”
“Ok.” Now was the time. “I have some more words. But first…” I put down the spoon. I unbuttoned my shirt and let it fall to the floor. Then I slid the straps of my bra off my shoulders, and unhooked it. I pulled off my second-favorite jean shorts and the underwear underneath them, and I was totally nude. I stood there, bare in his kitchen.
Kellen’s eyes popped and at this moment, he seemed to be at a loss for his own words.
“This is so you have to answer me,” I explained. “I think you can’t really avoid the fact that I’m stark-naked right now. It’s not the most comfortable for me but I’m doing it for you.”
“I—I—”
“I’ve been reading a lot and it gave me hope,” I said. “This is the line I’ve been focused on.” I cleared my throat. “Amor, cha'a nullo amato amar perdona.”
He still stared. “Ma che dici?” he asked me, and I understood his confusion.
“That’s old Italian,” I said. “Dante wrote it in The Divine Comedy. You read it, so you know that it’s not actually funny, and that part made me really think. It didn’t totally make sense, even in English, so I kept throwing it around in my head. Basically, I think it means that if you love someone, love’s going to get them too. Like, since I love you so much, you’re going to have to love me back. That’s what I think.”
He stared.
“I’m the quarterback here,” I continued. “I have a lot of ways I can go with my whole life, and I’ve mostly found the playbook pretty confusing, but I’m figuring it out. You’re the best receiver in the game, of course. I think we would do very well together, forever. No, I know we would, because you’re my best option. You’re my only option.”
Kellen finally blinked. “I think I understand you but I’m having trouble articulating because you’re…you’re…” He stepped toward me again. “You’re saying that you want to be with me. That you’re choosing me. That you love me.”
“That’s right,” I said, nodding. “All of it.”
“L'amor che move il sole e l'altre stelle,” he said. He put his hands on my shoulders and ran them down my arms, across my bare skin. “Dante wrote that, too. Love moves the sun and the other stars. It must, because you’re here naked in my kitchen and it’s so overwhelming, it’s like looking into the sun. It’s like the stars are falling around me.”
“I want to be naked in your life all the time. Is that going to work for you? The complications, the hassle? Me, for real? Truly?”
“It’s already true for me and I don’t know it was ever a lie. I don’t remember when I didn’t love you, too.” He closed the last bit of distance between us so that our bodies pressed together. “I fired Landon Zalamero when he told me that what had happened to you on the boat didn’t matter, that all I needed to be worried about was myself and how it affected me. Then I couldn’t do the fake breakup. I couldn’t because…” He stopped again.
