It Was Always Only You: A Love Story, page 7
“I’m glad you missed me,” she says between kisses “and I’m selfishly glad you hated it.”
I kiss her again, and again, and again.
And pretty soon the kissing isn’t enough.
Our clothes are on the floor.
The sensation of skin against skin isn’t new to us but tonight everything feels electric.
I ask if she’s sure, and she asks if I have condoms.
We both say yes.
I try to take it slow, I try to make it good for her, because I know it hurts her a little. After the initial push her body tenses and then relaxes, she nods and says to keep going.
My name leaves her lips as we share the most beautiful experience together.
I’ve heard horror stories about first times, but I thought ours was amazing. I kiss her shoulder and hold her close as our breathing steadies.
“Let’s do that again” she says, beaming at me.
“I need to catch my breath, pretty girl” I push the hair out of her face and kiss her again, this time right above her collar bone.
“I always knew it would be you,” she says breathlessly.
“And I always knew it would be you.” I parrot her words back, and I mean them.
She grins.
I pull her close and hold her, we lay side by side quietly for a few minutes. The beat of her heart slowing, and her breathing becoming more steady.
I turn to face her, the bed shifting under my weight. I keep my voice low “so do you really want to live on an island?”
She shakes her head and smiles “no an island is too isolated. Plus I want to stay close to my parents, and to Chet and Brooke. I just want seclusion, privacy, eventually.”
“Eventually?” I ask, wrapping a lock of her soft dark straight hair around my finger.
“I want to travel first. I want to see more places, more art. Then after that, I want seclusion. I know my parents would love if I went to college,” she sighs. “I just don’t know that I want to waste their money on an art degree. Chet became an EMT and I know they’re proud of him, but I think they still wish he had gotten a degree.”
“I definitely want to go to college,” I admit. “I won’t be able to run my dad’s business without a degree.”
“I’m jealous you know exactly what you want to do.”
“I thought you did too, don’t you want to paint?”
She shrugs “I love painting, but I don’t want it to become work. Plus, I probably need to choose something that will actually make me money.”
“You won’t have to worry about making money, you’ll have me.” I say, pushing her hair back out of her face and kissing her forehead.
She reaches up to touch my face “you’ll live in seclusion with me while I paint?”
“I’ll build us a big house in the forrest, with the prettiest views that you can paint.”
“It doesn’t have to be big,” she says. “In fact, I prefer a small house. I just want a small little bungalow.”
“Small it is then,” I smile, picturing a little house in a clearing of trees.
“And it has to overlook a lake, or river, or some sort of body of water. I love painting water,” she adds.
“Whatever you want, as long as we stay here, close to family.”
“That’s what I want too,” her words so soft it comes out like an oath.
“I just want you, Pocket. I love you.”
She beams up at me, her dark eyes sparkling “I love you too, Theo.”
And I can’t help but think how I’m the luckiest boy in the world right now.
Chapter 10
Polly - Present
“You should invite Theo to dinner with you all. He knows Winifred and Simon.” Omma says as she watches me finish curling my hair from the bathroom doorway. She smiles at me through the mirror, the olive skin around her eyes wrinkling.
“I don’t think he would want to come.” I say shaking my head at her, I look down at my phone and see a text from Adrienne.
Adrienne: So, is Hallmark hottie married?
I slide the phone into my pocket, I’ll answer her later.
“You should ask him, he doesn’t get out much.”
“I don’t know him anymore, it will be awkward.”
It’s silent, and I can tell by Omma’s face that she’s thinking really hard about something.
“I hate that you two drifted apart. You’ve always been a private person and I respect that Polly, but can’t you two set aside your differences and be friends again?”
I shake my head at her “it was a long time ago, but he really hurt me Omma, and I don’t know, I don’t see the point in trying to be friends when I live so far away. I feel like I’ve put forth effort, but he’s so quiet now. I think he hates me.”
She blinks at me, caught off guard. “Oh Aegi, I am sorry he hurt you,” she touches my face.
I think about that horrible night when he broke my heart, I cried in her arms but I never told her why, she thought I was just crying about graduation.
“I’m okay, Omma. I’ve had time away to heal.”
She hugs me “I always knew you were running away with a broken heart. Oh Aegi, he was your first love.” She sighs. She watches way too many K-dramas.
“I’m grateful you and dad have always been so supportive of me. I’m sorry that it took me away from you.”
“You have blossomed since being away, it would have been selfish for us not to let you go."
You know those scenes in movies where everyone is buzzing with energy and having a good time, and then the camera focuses on one character who is visibly not, they’re sitting there with a fake smile on their face pretending to be happy, but you know that their mind is somewhere else.
Thats me, right now.
I thought meeting Winnie and her fiancé Simon, and their friends for dinner would be fun.
Being social is draining.
Something is wrong with me.
Simon’s friend Troy throws me glances over dinner. He sits across from me. I look around the table and realize everyone is paired off, except Troy and I.
I make eye contact with him, he smiles.
He’s classically good looking, tall, dark, handsome. He smiles a lot even though he seems pretty reserved.
I sigh. Thinking of Carson back in California. I realize I haven’t really thought about him once since being here. I haven’t missed him.
Has he missed me?
“So, Polly, Winnie says you’re a painter?” Michael, one of Simon’s friends asks from beside me.
“Oh no, I don’t paint anymore. I’m a landscape architect.”
“Do you freelance or work for a firm?” Ladd, Michael’s boyfriend asks from the other side of Michael, he leans across Michael’s lap.
“At a firm, and we mostly do commercial work.”
“I’m in the field ish, I’m an architect for a firm in Baltimore. We collaborate with landscape architects all the time. Sometimes I wish I had gone the landscape architecture route instead, I could be little more creative. And I love plants.”
“That’s an understatement” Michael teases.
“Okay, I’m obsessed with plants. I want to know everything about them. I want Michael to build a greenhouse for me so I can grow things year round.”
“That would be amazing. I love plants too, fortunately the climate I’m in never gets that cold so I can keep most of my plants outside all year.”
“Oh my god, I’m so jealous, what is the coldest it gets there?”
“It’s usually mid fifties to sixties in the winter.”
Ladd makes a show of his jealousy, he sticks out his lower lip and pouts for Michael.
“It’s always nice, usually sixties to seventies most of the year, and there are like two weeks every fall where it will get up to ninety, but it’s not nearly as miserable as the heat here because there’s less humidity.”
“Ok, and where do you live again? Northern Cal right?” Ladd asks.
“Pacific Grove, it’s about an hour north of San Francisco,” I explain.
“Michael, we’re moving.” Ladd says to Michael.
“We’re totally coming to visit,” Winnie pipes in, touching Simon’s shoulder.
Simon grunts, he’s spent almost the entire meal so far looking down at his phone. Winnie makes a face at him and he tucks his phone away.
“Yeah, Win said you’re close to Pebble Beach?” Simon asks, wrapping his arm around Winnie.
“Yeah, you’ll have to come visit,” I say looking around the table.
“I’d love to play at Pebble Beach,” Everett, Natalie’s boyfriend says. He looks at Simon, but Simon pulls his phone out for a second and glances down at it, uninterested in our conversation.
“We can visit too, but you know you’d be miserable on the west coast,” Michael says to Ladd.
“Ugh, you’re right, I like being close to New York too much. I guess we will have to come visit too.” Ladd says, kissing Michael’s cheek.
“How long are you town?” Natalie, Winnie’s best friend says from the far end of the table.
“Just another week.”
“You know, you look the exact same as you did in High School,” she says. Natalie is hard to trust, she has always had a mean streak in her. So I don’t know if her comment is a compliment or an insult.
“Oh,” I say, looking around at everyone’s faces “I hope I look older than eighteen now.”
They all laugh.
“You look older now” she smiles at me “prettier too.” Winnie nods.
“Same goes for you.” I say back, remembering Natalie from High School, her and Win went to a neighboring High School but sometimes I’d hang out with them on the weekends, especially Junior year, that year was especially lonely.
Soon the group of friends fall back into a conversation that doesn’t involve me and dinner wraps up.
Winnie pulls me aside as we put our coats on. Simon helps her into her wool pea coat, “we’re all headed to a movie, did you want to come? If not, Troy isn’t going, he can take you home.”
“I better head home to my parents.”
“I’ll call you later,” Winnie says, and we hug goodbye. I miss seeing her often. I hate that we’ve drifted apart since I moved.
More guilt.
Troy talks more on the ride home than I heard from him all dinner.
He tells me about how he met Simon in college and now they work together at a start up tech firm.
He asks me if I go to the beach all the time.
He tells me he visited California once and he thought it was beautiful.
I tell him the beaches in Delaware are prettier.
It’s quiet for a minute because he’s run out of things to say, and I’m too busy with my own thoughts.
“So, why don’t you paint anymore?"
“I don’t have time.” I lie.
He doesn’t know me well enough to question it further. He pulls down my parents street and I point out my parents’ house.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say. I step out of the car, wincing as I put weight on my foot. My ankle is on the mend, and I can mostly walk without a limp. I start toward the front porch.
Troy rolls down the window “hey Polly!”
I stop walking and turn around to face his car, when I do, I see the door across the street open. I don’t hear Troy anymore because I’m focused on Theo’s silhouette backlit from the light inside the house. A woman emerges from inside, holding a small dog in her arms. She smiles up at him, and they embrace.
My stomach turns.
The woman walks away calling out “ Thanks Theo, see you later.”
Theo looks in my direction, and I remember that Troy is talking to me.
“Sorry, Troy, what were you asking?” I take a step back toward the car, and bend so I can see his face.
He smiles at me, “oh, I was just saying, if you come back for the wedding Win’s going to put us at the singles table together.”
“Oh right, yes, I’m on cake duty.”
He looks at me confused. I notice the girl with the dog pulls away in her Corolla.
“I have to make sure the cake doesn’t get destroyed when Simon’s friend and someone else, I forget who, get into a fight!”
“You’re funny,” he says back, “I’ll see you later.”
“See you later.”
He rolls his window up and backs out of the driveway.
My eyes go back to Theo’s house, he’s leaning in the doorway watching me.
I put my hand up and wave.
He goes back in the house and shuts the door.
I remember when I used to do that.
I shoot off a quick text to Adrienne before going to bed.
Polly: He’s not married, but I’m pretty sure he hates me, so get those Hallmark romance ideas out of that pretty head of yours.
Chapter 11
THEO - 10 years ago.
“I’m getting real sick of this shit Amanda,” I say, leaning into her against her locker so people around won’t hear. “That night was a mistake, stop hanging it over my head.”
“So you don’t care if I go tell that weirdo that I gave you the best blow job you’ve ever gotten?” A sly smile spreads across her face.
“Keep her out of it.”
“So you do care? Why do you care so much Theo?”
“I don’t, dammit.” I slam my hand against the locker, making her jump. “Just leave me alone.”
Amanda snakes her hand up my chest and pouts “Stop wasting your time with her. You’re mine.” She stands up on her tip toes and plants a kiss on my cheek, a devious grin spreads across her face. “I’ve gotta go find Cecily now, but I’ll see you later, babe.”
I pound the locker again and head toward class.
Amanda is a problem.
I can’t wait until school is out for the summer next week and I don’t have to deal with her shit anymore, and I can spend my days with Polly.
After school I go to the art room, Polly wanted a ride home today.
I look around the room, not spotting her at her usual spot. I stick my head in the lab, and check by the sinks, not there either. The art rooms are mostly empty.
I make the rounds one more time and then almost plow someone over as I turn to go. “You looking for Polly?” Her friend Hilary asks, smacking her gum. She crosses her arms in front her and taps her toe, like she’s bothered. I don’t think Hilary has ever particularly liked me, but she’s never been this rude before.
“Yeah, I’m supposed to give her a ride home.”
Hilary glares at me, “she went home already, caught a ride with Caleb.”
Who the hell is Caleb?
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome, asshole.”
“Do we have a problem here?” I spin on my heel to face Hilary.
“Yeah, actually we do. Stay away from my friend.” She comes toward me, shaking her finger at me. She grabs her bag, shrugging it on her shoulder, and then she stalks out of the room.
I’m confused.
I call Polly. No answer.
I text her. No answer.
I can’t get home fast enough and blow past 4 stop signs on the way home.
I knock on Polly’s front door. No answer.
I climb the tree.
I peek inside her window. She’s laying in her bed, I can’t see her face because her back is to me.
I knock on the window.
She turns to look at me. Her eyes are puffy and swollen, the tip of her nose red.
It’s clear she’s been crying.
“What’s wrong Pocket?” I yell through the glass.
She shakes her head “GO AWAY!”
“Tell me what’s wrong!”
She gets up off the bed and walks toward the window. I think she’s going to let me in, but she shuts the curtains instead. I text her again.
What’s wrong?
Talk to me.
What’s going on?
I text her every day for weeks and she never replies.
I try to catch her outside her house, but she’s good at avoiding me.
Finally, on the Fourth of July, I’m sitting in my room when I see motion outside my window. I peer out, seeing her outside with Chet. They’re moving boxes from the house to his car. I bound down the stairs and race out my front door.
“Hey Pocket!” I yell toward her as I jog across the street.
Her face falls when she sees me, but she’s carrying a box and can’t run away from me though, I run to catch up to her.
“Let me take that,” I say, taking the box from her.
“Just put it in the trunk,” she says turning to go back in the house.
“Wait!” I call out. I hurry and shove the box in the trunk, “wait, Pocket, can we talk?”
“I don’t want to talk Theo, I don’t know how to make it more clear.” She won’t make eye contact with me.
“What happened? I don’t even know what’s wrong.”
She scoffs “wow, Theo, you could at least pretend to be sorry.”
“For what?”
“You lied to me, you lied to me about Amanda.”
And then it hits me, she must have found out about the blow job from Amanda.
Polly watches as the realization hits me, which is basically a confession. Her face changes from anger to heartbreak, she must have been holding out hope that it wasn’t true.
“Pocket,” I swallow. “I’m so sorry. I meant to tell you, I-”
“I can’t believe you, I hate you,” she cuts me off, stomping back up the front porch.
“Please Pocket, I am so sorry, can we talk about this?”
She spins on her heel, “just fuck off Theo!” She slams the front door, leaving me outside in the front yard.
I stand and look at their house, contemplating knocking on the door to see if they’ll let me inside. I really fucked up and I hate myself.
As if it’s a sign from the universe Tyler pulls up to my house as I cross the road back to my house. Ingrid rides shotgun, and Amanda is in the back.
“Let’s go babe,” she leans out her window, glancing across the street at Polly’s house. She smiles as she bats her eyelashes at me.
I get in the car.
I spend the night completely plastered and on the path of self destruction. This time when Amanda offers to suck me off, I don’t say no.
