It Was Always Only You: A Love Story, page 2
I know it’s not mature, and I regret it the second I do it, but I stomp over to the XBOX and push the power button. Then I stomp out of the room.
“Fuck, Pol!” I hear him getting up from the recliner. He slams his door.
And that feels familiar too.
I bound down the stairs, grabbing Chet’s keys off the entry way table. I slip my sneakers on, grab my jacket, and head outside. As I cross the yard to get into Chet’s truck I look at the house across the street. The small brick colonial with the same floorpan as ours. It looks dark, like no one is home, or they’re all in bed.
All in bed.
It’s not a large house, but it’s too big for just one man. I imagine he has a wife and kids now. And that thought hurts my heart a little. But surely someone would have told me if he had married? Right? Chet, or my parents, or even Winnie? Someone would have told me.
Or maybe no one would tell me.
I hop into Chet’s big truck and take off down the street. It rumbles as I fly down the road. When I realize I’m going way too fast I slow down, my breathing and pulse finally slow down too. I imagine this small town hasn’t changed a whole lot in the last decade, and my guess the only place open right now is The Upper Deck. I’ve never been there, since I moved before I was old enough to legally drink. But I just want one drink, and my parents don’t keep alcohol in the house.
This town is too small, and I instantly regret my decision to come here as soon as I walk into the bar. For a Tuesday night it’s quite busy, but the tall brunette barista makes eye contact with me as I enter.
Suzanne.
She smiles at me warmly, her eyes lighting up with recognition. She waves me over to the bar.
I smile back at her. It’s genuine. Suzanne was the little sister I never had, she’s four years younger, but I loved her like a big sister would, and one of the hardest parts about leaving here, was leaving her. She always texts me on my birthday and I text her on hers. But nothing more. She’s changed a lot in the last eight years. She’s an adult now, her hair is darker, her teeth are straight, she’s taller. Seeing her makes me wonder how much Theo has changed.
“Polly, I can’t believe you’re actually here! What can I get you?” She smiles broadly at me as I sit down.
“Just a Tom Collins, please.” I shrug my coat off and drape in the back of the barstool behind me.
“You got it.” She says and moves down the bar to mix my drink. She’s back quickly and sets the drink down, and slides it towards me “it’s on me."
“Thanks Suze,” I say, sipping on my drink. I feel a little better already.
“How are you?” She leans forward on the counter so we’re closer. “Oh, I can’t believe how long it’s been! Polly you’re even prettier than I remember!” She squeals, beaming at me. Her sleek brown hair is pulled back into a low ponytail, her eyeliner is thick and it makes her soft hazel eyes pop.
Eyes that remind me of him.
I look away, glancing around the dimly lit bar, making sure I don’t recognize anyone else. “I’m good, I’m just in town while Chet goes to Disney World with Nora.”
“Yeah I heard that you were coming. Can we grab lunch one day? I’d love to catch up. Does Sunday work?”
I can’t turn her down. She had nothing to do with Theo, and Chet is right, it was a long time ago and I need to get over myself.
“That’s great, I’ll see you then.”
She claps her hands together, “yay! I better get back to work, but it’s so good to see you Polly. I’m so glad you’re back.”
I text my best friend and roommate Adrienne as I sip my drink at the bar.
Polly: I’ve already fought with Chet. Remind me why I came back home?
Adrienne: Because you’re a good daughter. Fuck Chet.
Polly: He told me I need to get over myself. Also, Theo still lives across the street.
Adrienne: Your first boyfriend? Living with his parents, that’s hot. Not.
Polly: No, his mom is off who knows where, and his dad died. And yes, first boyfriend. I know I haven’t really told you about him, but it did not end well.
Adrienne: Oh shit. About all of it. Are you going to be okay?
Polly: I’m sure he’s married and has a perfect little family now. Just like everyone else in my life, I’m sure he’s going places.
Adrienne: Polly, you are going places.
Polly: Just in circles mostly. I don’t want to see him, it will just remind me of what a loser I am.
Adrienne: Stop it with that, you’re not a loser. It’s like ripping off a bandaid. You just need to see him, it might sting, but then you’ll be fine.
Polly: I’ll let you know how it goes.
Chapter 2
Polly - Present
It’s too early.
My head is pounding.
The sunlight is too bright.
I miss my blackout curtains.
This time change is killing me.
It’s only four in the morning in California. My body is not ready to be awake, but it’s seven here and I need to have breakfast with Chet and Nora before they leave for their vacation. I roll slowly out of bed, and blink away the sleep the best I can. I don’t even bother to look at myself in the mirror, I just slip my slippers on and shuffle down the stairs.
“Aunt Polly, you look awful.” Nora giggles as I slump into a dining chair next to her. Her eyes go wide as she looks at my hair and then back at my face. I reach up and try my best to smooth it down. I can feel it’s oily and sticking up in the back.
“Shhhhh Nora, that’s not nice. She’s tired, it’s still night in California.” Chet says from over his bowl of oatmeal, giving her a look of warning.
“Are you excited to go see Mickey?” I manage to get my voice to work this early, but I barely even recognize myself, I sound hoarse. I’m probably scaring my niece, I realize. I stand up and pour myself a glass of water.
“Yes! I’m making a list of everyone we need to buy something for, do you want anything? Halmeoni and Papi want castle salt and pepper shakers, I could get you some too.” She smiles at me brightly.
“Oh, I’m good, you just go take a lot of photos that we can look at together when you get back,” I set my glass down, remembering the present I had brought for her.
“Oh we will, we will take lots of photos and I’m taking an autograph book, too! I don’t remember our Disneyland trip very well, but I still have the autograph book from it.” My parents and Chet had met me in Anaheim five years ago and we took Nora to Disneyland when she was four years old. It was the first time any of us had been to Disneyland. I couldn’t believe how much smaller it felt than Disney World, but we all really liked that we could do the whole park in one day.
“Actually, I have something for you, for your trip,” I say.
“Really? What is it?”
“I’ll be right back.” I head away from the kitchen, down the hall, into the foyer and up the stairs to my bedroom to retrieve her gift. Like everything else in the house, my bedroom hasn’t changed. My bed is still covered with the black and white striped bedspread I had in High School. Band posters, pictures cut out from magazines, and my own artwork cover the walls.
I am not an organized packer, I am not an organized anything. I curse my ways as I pull the suitcase up on to my bed to rummage through it. I have to empty half the suitcase to find find the small package for Nora. I pull it out of the bottom of the suitcase, then head back downstairs.
I pause when I reach the bottom of the staircase when I hear voices coming from the kitchen.
“Thanks Uncle Theo! I always wanted one of these! You’re the best!” I hear Nora exclaim.
My heart stops.
A deep voice that I don’t recognize but is familiar at the same time says “you’re welcome Nor, make sure to take lots of pictures.” It sends tingles through my body and makes my stomach stir.
Theo.
“We better get going. You ready Nora?” Chet asks, and I hear his chair push across the floor, he must be standing to go.
I look at my reflection in the foyer mirror. Nora was right, I look awful, and that’s probably even an understatement. My dark hair is sticking up in all directions, I have dark circles under my blood shot eyes, a mixture of mascara I should have washed off, and from lack of sleep. My pale skin looks a little green this morning. I feel dizzy.
I pinch my cheeks, trying to get color into them, and use my fingers to smooth my hair down a bit. I look absolutely ridiculous in my stained oversized tee and pajama shorts. I lick my index fingers and run them under my brown eyes trying to rub the mascara smudges away. I debate going back upstairs and washing my face and changing, but then I hear Omma tell Nora to give hugs goodbye.
I take a deep breath, reciting affirmations in my head that I’m a strong woman and have moved on. I don’t care what Theo thinks. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I’m a strong woman and-
I come around the corner and the air is sucked out of my lungs. The voices stop. Theo’s back is to me. Everything in the room shrinks away, and I only see him. It’s like time moves in slow motion as he turns and looks at me.
I’m pretty sure I blink a million times, but I make sure my mouth stays closed.
Theo Davenport. His presence swallows the room.
The boy I’ve loved since kindergarten.
The boy who sat by me every day on the bus.
The boy who made mud pies in the backyard with me.
The boy who pushed my bike home for me after I fell hard near the creek.
The boy who spent way too much of his time with me letting me win Mario Party.
The boy who would tie my line, and taught me how to fish.
The boy who would catch our chickens when they got out of the run.
The boy who spent almost every single day in the summer with me.
The boy who went trick or treating with me and traded me all his of Reeses for my Almond Joys even though I know he didn’t even like them either.
The boy who built blanket forts with me and gave me my first kiss in one when we were 12.
The boy who would help me study for all my tests at school even though he was in harder classes than I was.
The boy who grew tall, to a little over six feet between middle school and high school.
The boy who made the basketball team, and with it came popularity.
The boy who would still come hang out with me after his games even though I was a weird artsy girl and he was part of the cool crowd.
The boy who spent the weekends with me eating Oreos while watching Seinfeld episodes.
The boy who snuck over at night when his parents were fighting to lay in bed next to me and talk.
The boy who took my virginity, and I thought gave me his.
The first boy who told me he loved me.
The boy who broke my heart.
That boy.
That boy stands in my parents’ kitchen now, and he’s a devilishly handsome man now. The lanky, clean-cut, tall, athletic boy has filled out everywhere. His neck is thicker, his arms are thicker, his legs are thicker. I think he’s even taller too. He’s grown his facial hair out into a well groomed short beard. His unruly dark hair is long and wild, touching the collar on his shirt. He’s like a hot viking of a man now, and I feel myself gulp at that thought. He’s not the same boy he was before, I barely even recognize him now.
My eyes trail up his body to his face and I realize I’m wrong, I do recognize him. Because despite all the growing he’s done, under all that hair, I’m cognizant that his eyes remain the same. His warm hazel brown eyes have always held so much emotion, and looking into them now, it all feels so familiar.
The familiarity makes me uncomfortable. But not in an off-putting way, instead it makes me feel yearning. My heart physically aches in my chest and I’m suddenly aware of how much I’ve missed him. I was not expecting this reaction from myself.
I feel my jaw quiver, slightly.
“Pocket,” he murmurs, his eyes do a quick once over of my body and I suddenly feel like I’m on fire.
He’s the only one who calls me that.
“Theo” I croak, and then I clear my throat, it’s incredibly dry now.
His eyes don’t give away any feeling, and they leave me before I can try to decipher his emotion.
“Is that it?” Nora pipes from the table, looking down at the package in my hands, eagerly. I suddenly don’t want to give her this gift. If I had known that Theo would be in the audience while I gave this to Nora, I would have bought her something else, literally anything else. I don’t want him to think I was thinking of him when I bought it for her. Which I definitely was. My cheeks flush at that thought.
“Polly?” Chet asks, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Oh, um, yes, here.” I say, almost fumbling because of my trembling hands, while I hold out the small box wrapped in floral wrapping paper to her. She smiles, her dark blonde curls bouncing as she rips the wrapping paper off to unveil a baby pink instax camera.
“Oh wow, thanks Aunt Polly.” She says, her voice dipping, it’s obvious she’s disappointed. Her eyes shift to the kitchen table for a second and then back to me. My eyes follow to where she looked, the exact same camera in light purple is sitting on the table.
“Oh shit, you already have one” I say.
“Pollyanna!” Omma scolds.
“I said ‘Chet’… sorry if it sounded like something else,” I mutter.
“You swore!” Nora exclaims.
“Nice try, Polly,” Dad shakes his head and chuckles from the table.
“I did swear, I’m sorry.” I admit.
“It’s fine, my dad says it all the time” Nora shrugs, and Chet and Dad laugh. Omma shakes her head, exasperated.
“I’m sorry I got you another camera, I didn’t know you already had one,” I say to her.
“I didn’t until just now, Theo just gave it to me. It’s actually great, now my dad and I can both take pictures.” Nora says, and then she hops off her chair to hug me.
Theo just gave it to her. It make me wonder if he was thinking of me when he bought it. I shake my head at myself. It’s such a common thing to have, and a good present for a nine year old. I’m sure it was coincidence, I’m sure he’s forgotten all about the old polaroid camera he gave to me all those years ago.
I feel Theo’s eyes on me. But I don’t look at him.
“We better get going” Chet says, patting Nora’s head. “Thanks for the camera, er, both of you.”
“Ride down with us!” Nora says up at me as she pulls away from hugging my waist.
“I would love to but I have to stay here to take care of Halmeoni and Papi.” I say back to Nora, pushing her hair out of her face. She frowns at me.
“We’ll be okay for an hour,” Omma says, “why don’t you ride with them?”
Because I don’t want to.
But I just told Nora I’d love to.
I look at Theo, but he looks away. I look back down at Nora.
“Please, Aunt Polly!?”
“Sure, let me change.”
“Be quick.” Chet huffs, grabbing their packed suitcases and heading outside.
I sit in the back of Theo’s jeep next to Nora, she talks my ear off about Taylor Swift and all the different materials she’s using to build a house in Minecraft.
Theo’s eyes flit to me every now and then in the rearview mirror. It makes my cheeks flush and I wonder what he’s thinking. I learn toward Nora and push my baseball cap down lower on my face so he can’t see me as easily anymore. I will myself to stop looking at the rearview mirror. I focus on Nora the rest of the ride.
“You’re going to have the best time,” I say to Nora as we get close to the airport. “I can’t wait to see all the pictures.”
She giggles “I still can’t believe you and Uncle Theo gave me the exact same thing.”
“It was obviously a good idea, that I had first.”
She gives me a funny look, like she’s hurt that I’ve said something negative about Theo.
“I’m just kidding,” I mumble, and her face softens.
We pull up to the drop off for departures. Chet opens Nora’s door. I climb out after her and stand on the curb. Theo grabs their suitcases from his trunk and sets them down on the curb.
“Bye Aunt Polly.” Nora says and then turns her attention to Theo, giving him a cool made up handshake thing that reminds me of Parent Trap.
“If there is an emergency, call Theo. If it’s really bad, call me.” Chet says to me as he bends over to extend the handles from their roller suitcases.
“It will be fine, go and have fun.” I say.
“I’m so glad you came Pol, sorry about last night.” He says.
“I’m sorry too.” I say back.
He gives my shoulder a squeeze, “be good Pol."
He moves on to saying goodbye to Theo.
“Don’t hesitate to call me.” Chet says to him.
“I’ll check on them every day.” Theo says.
Then why the hell am I here?
“Thanks brother.” Chet says hugging him. Nora hugs him too. I fold my arms across my body, obviously the outsider. They break their group hug and Chet grabs Nora’s hand and they turn to go. Theo climbs back inside the jeep, but I stand on the curb a moment longer watching them go.
Realizing it will be weird if I don’t sit up front now, I take a deep breath and pull open the passenger door and slide inside.
It’s quiet for a few minutes.
I can’t help but reflect on the last time I saw him. I was so mad at him that day. I hated him. I don’t think I hate him now, it’s been too long to hold on to that kind of heavy emotion. But he hurt me, and I can’t ignore the sadness and embarrassment I feel sitting here with him, even though everything happened so long ago.
“Why am I here if my parents have you to check on them every day?” I finally ask.
“Because they need someone there at night.”
Right, because he has a family.
Theo watches my face, intrigue flashing briefly, before he’s back to expressionless.
“Sometimes your mom falls when she gets up to use the bathroom, and your dad can’t lift her on his own.”
