The Streets, page 16
Jace giggled. ‘Yes please!’
As Jace and Lorni walked away, the car phone rang. Sighing, Ned pressed answer from the leather steering wheel. ‘Simon, what can I do for you?’
‘Well I ain’t fucking phoning you to drop me bollocks in your mouth, am I? If I wanted tea-bagging, you’d be the last cunt I’d come to. Which reminds me, how is Cookie?’
Ned clutched onto the steering wheel then spoke through clenched teeth. ‘What do you want?’
‘I want to know if you’ve clapped eyes on that nephew of mine – and if not, why the fuck not? I’ve also had that client on me tail again, about his “special requirements”. Wants to make sure I’ve lined up a boy for him.’ Simon’s voice filled the Bentley.
‘Told you, I’ve got loads of boys he can have.’
‘And as I told you, I’m not looking for some teenager.’
Ned rubbed his face as if it were wet with sweat. ‘Like I said last time you asked, I ain’t a nonce.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Ned, put away the Mother Theresa act, will ya? The geezer wants to look, not touch. You’ve heard of a whisky dick, right? Well he’s probably got a dole dick – it don’t work and the only way he can get off is by using his goggles. So no, I ain’t asking you to be a fucking nonce. I’m asking you to sort out a kid for me – and soon, Ned. Cos next time I won’t be asking, I’ll be fucking telling.’
The call went dead and for a moment or two Ned sat seething in his car, then his mind began to tick over as Jace stopped in the doorway of Desires and turned to wave goodbye to him.
Half an hour later, Finn sat in the club with Tabby and Natalie, who was working behind the bar. He was disappointed not to see Cookie here. Even though she’d asked him not to contact her, he’d hoped that he might bump into her or – and perhaps it was arrogant of him to think this – she might have shown up knowing that he always dipped his head into Barney’s place on a Thursday night.
‘So how’s Cookie been?’ Finn took a sip of bourbon and looked around the club, which was surprisingly busy for a rainy Thursday night.
‘Is that you asking or is that you asking?’ Natalie grinned as she leaned on the bar.
‘I’m not following.’
‘Come off it, Finn, you ain’t fooling me. I know you’ve liked her for a while. And you fighting Ned over her honour the other night proved it.’
Knocking back the Wild Turkey bourbon, Finn slammed the glass on the bar. ‘Give me another one, will ya . . . And if you must know, I wasn’t fighting for her honour. I didn’t like the way me cousin was treating her, that’s all.’
Pushing Finn’s glass against the optic dispenser, Natalie laughed as she poured him a double bourbon. ‘If you say so.’
‘I think it would be a good thing if you and Cookie were together. She deserves to be happy,’ Tabby chipped in. ‘You two would make a great couple. Nats is right, anyone can see you really like her.’
‘Don’t say shit like that.’ Finn brought his voice down. ‘If anyone heard, whether it’s true or not – which it ain’t by the way – Cookie could come to harm.’
‘I won’t say anything, I promise,’ Tabby said defensively. ‘She’s me mate.’
‘I’ve already told you, there ain’t anything between us, she’s as good as me sister-in-law. So change the tune, will you, cos when you’re on that shit you like to take, you’ll end up talking all sorts of crap and it’ll bring a whole fucking heap of trouble to my door and Cookie’s.’
Upset, Tabby blinked away the tears then got off the bar stool, walking away through the crowd without saying another word.
‘Tabs . . . Tabby . . . Tabby, come back, babes!’ Natalie called after her, but she didn’t turn around. ‘What’s wrong with you? There was no need to say that to her,’ she snarled at Finn. ‘She was only trying to be nice, so don’t come in here and treat her like she’s nothing. She gets enough of that shit from your cousin.’
Taken aback, Finn nodded. ‘Yeah, OK, I was out of order. When I see her next, I’ll apologize. No harm done?’
‘Hold on . . .’ Natalie went over to serve someone at the other end of the bar while Finn wondered if he should bother sticking around in the club. The longer he waited, the worse he felt. Each minute seemed like it was a reminder that Cookie wasn’t coming.
Each time he thought he was getting closer to her, she backed even further away from him.
‘Does she know you like her?’ Natalie returned from serving another customer. ‘And don’t start all that denial shit – I ain’t going to say anything.’
Finn hesitated. One of the rules in his world was to keep his mouth shut, go to the grave with tight lips, but he needed to speak to someone and Cookie had always told him that Natalie was someone she trusted. Someone who was in her corner. Taking a deep breath, knowing that admitting the way he felt to anyone could be, would be dangerous if it got back to Ned, Finn slowly nodded. ‘Yeah, I’ve told her.’ Spinning his glass of bourbon around in his hands, he gave a tiny shrug. ‘I ain’t told Cooks that I love her, but I do. Which is mad, cos I’ve never thought about having a relationship. Fucking someone and getting a blow job was enough of a commitment for me.’
‘If you ever write a love poem, maybe leave that line out of it,’ Natalie laughed.
He laughed back. ‘I know it sounds stupid, and it don’t feel too clever either. I can’t think of anything else but her. It’s doing me nut in.’
‘You got it bad then.’
He took the last sip of bourbon and shrugged. ‘This is all new to me. I’ve never loved anyone in the whole of me life, apart from me mum. But a woman? Never.’
‘Does she feel the same way?’ Natalie asked, taking his glass without him asking and refilling it again. She smiled. ‘On the house . . . But don’t tell Barney.’
‘Cheers . . . Look, you swear this ain’t going to go further? Even you discussing it with Cookie, well, it can’t happen.’
‘Of course.’ Natalie spoke with warmth. ‘I want the best for her, I need you to believe that. I really do.’
‘I don’t get it, Nats. I don’t understand her. I can see she feels the same way, but she keeps holding back. It’s like she’s got a wall up. And I know she don’t want this life anymore, she’s admitted that. I don’t either. So there’s nothing keeping her here, and she ain’t happy. I can’t get me head around why she won’t give me a chance.’
‘How much do you know about her?’
‘I’ve known her ten years.’
‘And before that?’
Frowning, he looked down in his glass. ‘I don’t know much. Actually, I don’t know anything.’
‘So maybe that’s your answer. We all have a past, and that can shape the here and now. What’s going on with Cookie, it ain’t personal.’
‘Has she said something?’
‘No.’
‘Then how can you be so sure it ain’t me.’
‘Call it intuition . . . And Finn, if you love her like you say you do, then you need to have patience. Give her time and I’m sure it’ll work out.’
‘Maybe it won’t. Maybe she and Ned have something after all.’
‘She don’t love Ned!’ Natalie scoffed. ‘She doesn’t even like him.’
Finn stared into Natalie’s eyes. ‘Then answer me this. Why does she stay? Why does she stay with Ned?’
28
‘I stay with Ned cos I have to.’ Cookie sat across from Barney in a small late-night cafe on the south side of the river. Her eyes were sore from crying and her nose was blocked. She and Barney were holding hands, Cookie clinging onto him as if she were drowning, needing his love and strength for her to be able to open the box of secrets in her head, where the memories, the images, the sound of Parker’s voice were so vivid. And sharing her story was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. Saying it out loud felt like she was back there again.
‘You keep saying this, sweetheart, but I still don’t get why.’
Cookie looked around. The windows were steamed up and the smell of hamburgers, coffee and wet clothes lingered in the air. A young couple sat in the corner, both looking the worse for wear, and an old man with his cap pulled down over his eyes lounged back on his chair, fast asleep.
She leaned in, bringing both her body and her voice down. ‘Ned will kill me. No matter where I go, he’ll track me down and kill me. And I accept that.’
‘Cooks, you can’t—’
‘No, Barney, please listen, you need to understand. When I met Ned, I was working as a hooker, but before that I’d been homeless like the kids who work for us. That’s how I started, but I was working for someone else. There are a lot of Neds in this world. I was seventeen and in care and . . .’ she took a deep breath ‘. . . and Parker had just been murdered. I couldn’t cope, Barn. So I ran. Started drinking, selling myself, I wanted to die . . . I might as well have been dead. I was like the living dead. I worked for different pimps, then Ned came along at the right time.’
‘That don’t mean you owe him.’
Cookie gave a wry smile. ‘I don’t mean it like that. He certainly wasn’t my prince. But he did come along ten years ago. The same time I found out that Jo had been released. The public didn’t know right off, but the victims’ families did. Well, not straight away – six months after she was let out, I was informed. From time to time I checked in with my victim liaison officer and she told me then. Funny thing is, that’s what gave me life. It made me want to live again, Barn: hearing Jo Martin had been let out.’
He squeezed her hand lovingly. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Up until then, I never had any reason to go on. I was drinking to excess, taking coke, anything I could get my hands on. It didn’t matter, I was waiting to die. But at the same time, it was weird, Barn, cos I felt like the pain I was going through was what I deserved. It feels a bit like that with Ned.’ She shrugged, glancing to the side at the old man who’d begun to start snoring loudly. She smiled and turned back to look at Barney. ‘Anyway, although Ned still pimped me out, I was getting better, stronger. I was determined to get well. Now there was a reason: revenge. I know it’s an old classic, Barn, but it was like a drug, it is like a drug to me. When Jo was inside there was nothing I could do to get at her. But now she was out . . .’
Cookie trailed off as Barney nodded, looking like he was beginning to understand.
‘Can I get you anything else?’ The waiter, who looked as bored as he sounded, stood above them chewing gum and wearing a dirty white tabard.
‘Yeah, we’ll have another two coffees please,’ Barney replied while Cookie waited for the waiter to leave before continuing.
‘So Ned, well, he started to get feelings for me – although, as you know, they’re fucked-up feelings. He got really possessive, jealous, which hardly makes sense when he’s sending me out to screw his clients. But in the end he couldn’t handle that. He moved me into his house, much to Pearl’s disgust, got me properly cleaned up and stopped pimping me out. Then came all his rules . . . and his promises: he’ll kill me if I leave him. And by then it was too late to turn back the clock. I was trapped. But as I said, I accept that I’ll probably die by Ned’s hands, I ain’t scared of that.’
‘Jesus, Cookie, can’t you hear what you’re saying?’
She gave a small smile. ‘I ain’t saying I’m going without a fight. I’m not feeling sorry for myself and I certainly don’t feel like a victim to it . . . to him. But I dunno, over the years I’ve come to think of it as my destiny. But what I am scared about, and what I can’t accept, is that I might die before I find Jo Martin.’
‘Cooks, no, sweetheart. No, no, no. Your thinking is all wrong. This is so messed up.’
She nodded, heavy teardrops landing on the plastic tablecloth. ‘I know.’ She spoke in a hoarse whisper, struggling to get her words out. ‘I ain’t so far gone that I don’t know that, but what else can I do? I can’t leave Ned, cos I know he’ll follow through on his threat. And, Barn, I can’t let Jo Martin get away with it. Parker was three years old. Jo and her dad tried to dispose of his body in the fire – to cover up the crimes, I guess – and he was so badly burned, they wouldn’t let me go and see him. I couldn’t kiss him goodbye. And I think he’s out there somewhere as an angel, wondering why Mummy didn’t kiss him goodnight.’
‘Cookie . . .’ Barney’s eyes filled with tears.
‘The lock of hair was from when he was born. But that’s the only thing I’ve got left of him. Well, that and the photo in the locket which I took a month before he was killed. But what gets me through each day is thinking about Jo. Every lash Ned gives me, every sick game he wants to play out on me, I can live with it – just – because of Jo.’
‘Listen to me, Cookie: Jo and her dad killed your son, but what you’re doing, the way you’re living, they’re killing you as well. You’ve got to get out, Cooks. This can’t go on, sweetheart.’
‘I don’t have a choice. The one thing I can’t carry on doing, is being a penny pimp, as Finn puts it. I had a wall up, I couldn’t feel anything, turned a blind eye to what I was doing with the kids, but when I saw Jace . . .’
‘Jace?’ Puzzled, Barney tilted his head.
‘Yeah.’ Without letting go of Barney’s hand, Cookie bent her head to the side to wipe away her tears on the top of her shoulder. ‘Jace, he reminds me of Parker.’ She laughed softly. Sadly. ‘Parker had these big brown eyes, with them cow lashes, like Jace. And the same freckles. You know, like he’s been splattered with paint on his nose. When I saw Jace, my wall came tumbling down. That was it. I knew I had to stop. I ain’t doing it no more, Barn. I mean, what would Parker think of his mummy, hey? Who’d want a mummy taking kids to guys like Brian?’
‘Well, I’m proud of you, Cooks, and I love you.’
‘Don’t.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t be nice to me, Barn, I’m trying to hold it together and I won’t be able to if you’re nice to me. You know I never planned on this life. It ain’t what I wanted . . . When I was a kid, I wanted to be a farmer. Can you fucking imagine? It’s all I can do to go near Pearl’s cat, let alone a bleedin’ cow. Then I wanted to be a postman. Me, a postman, Barn, in me Louboutins?’
They both snorted with laughter, then Cookie fell quiet. ‘Then I wanted to be a mummy. That’s what made me happy, Barn. It felt right. Me and Park made the perfect pair. I thought I was good at it.’ She shook her head. ‘Good at it? I got him killed, that’s how good I was at it.’ The tears came again and Barney stood up, leaning over the table to kiss Cookie on the top of her head.
‘What happened that day, Cooks? The day Parker went missing . . . No, I shouldn’t have asked that, I’m sorry.’ He sat back down on his chair.
‘It’s OK.’ She took a deep breath and once again looked around the cafe. Then she closed her eyes, wondering if she could really go back there. That was the door in her head she hadn’t been able to open.
She exhaled and chewed on her lip and she felt Barney squeeze her hand again. ‘I’ll try to tell you, if I can . . . I’d just turned seventeen – I had Parker when I was fourteen, the same age as Jo was when she killed him. The father was some boy I hung around with. He was in the same care home as me. Then, when I had Parker, I moved to a care home for kids with babies. Me and Parker stayed there for a couple of years. It was all supervised and I had my own social worker. She was lovely, really helpful, and she thought I’d be able to manage on me own. Independent living. So she arranged for me and Parker to get a studio flat. I was so happy. I hated that care home and I couldn’t wait till I moved out. I got the keys the day after my seventeenth birthday. One month later, Parker was dead.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘That day, nothing seemed different. Parker loved this one place with swings we always went to. And that was my mistake. Taking him to the same place every Tuesday at the same time. The police said Jo and her dad had been watching us for a while.’
‘None of this is your fault.’
She turned away, unable to look at Barney. ‘But it is, because while they were watching Parker, I wasn’t watching him.’
‘Cookie, you don’t have to do this.’
‘No, I do. I’m ready to tell you now . . .’
29
‘I was seventeen and I remember what happened like it was yesterday . . .’
‘Come on, I thought you wanted to play on the swings? I know some snails that move faster than you, Parker.’ Cookie walked backwards, watching and smiling as Parker crouched down for what seemed like the twentieth time.
The playground they went to was only ten minutes’ walk from the flat, but it had taken over half an hour – as it always did – to get there. Nevertheless, Cookie couldn’t think of anything she’d be rather doing. ‘Come on, Park, I’ll turn into an old lady before we’re there.’
Parker giggled, though he seemed more interested in looking at the wet leaves on the ground. ‘Look, it’s a bug, Mummy.’
Smiling at his lisp, which she found so endearing, Cookie bent down to see exactly what creepy crawly her son was looking at now. ‘Oh, it’s like the hungry caterpillar, ain’t it? You think it’s going to eat us up?’
Parker burst into laughter and it was so infectious, Cookie couldn’t help but laugh along with him. Stroking his hair, she looked into her son’s face as he held the caterpillar in his hand. Sometimes she couldn’t quite believe how much in love she was with him. It had been like that from the very moment the bossy midwife had placed him in her arms.
Having her own place with Parker, being able to tuck him up at night and wake up in the mornings with him jumping up and down on the bed, was happiness she hadn’t thought someone like her would ever have. Life couldn’t get any better.
‘Can I keep it, Mummy? Can I take him home?’
Hating anything that had more than four legs, Cookie pulled a face. ‘Maybe it’d be better if it stayed here, darlin’, with its family. We don’t want to take it away from its Mummy, do we? His mummy might be upset. We wouldn’t want her to be sad, would we?’
