Never Been Ready, page 22
"That's great! Is Logan excited?" I asked.
"Yes, it was his idea. He knew I was lonely in the house now that Maddie is in school. My mom will have to pick her up from school since the high school runs a bit later than her elementary school, but I will still be able to be here with her in the late afternoons. I honestly can't wait to get back into teaching."
"That's great. And hey, think of all the teenage boys who will have crushes on you! That will be a boost to the ego when you hit the big three-oh," I joked.
She threw a napkin at my face, and we continued to talk until Declan came over, announcing dinner.
"I cooked a mean steak, snickerdoodle. You have to try it."
"Nope."
"Nope to the steak or the pet name?"
"The pet name. It's awful. Call me that again, and I swear to God I will tell Clare right here in front of all our family and friends what your favorite movie is," I threatened.
His eyes widened.
"He told you?" Clare exclaimed, knowing all about my long, arduous ploy to get Declan to tell me his favorite movie.
It had taken months, but I'd finally gotten him to break down.
"Oh yeah, and it's good. Not something he'd want to share with his man buddies over there," I said, pointing to Logan and Colin.
Colin had his arm slung around his wife as he just laughed, and Logan gave me a goofy grin. They really, really wanted to know.
"What are you talking about?" Connor asked, coming from the playground with Maddie in tow.
"Declan's favorite movie," I answered, giving Declan a sly grin.
"Oh, you mean that movie, The Notebook?" Connor said.
Seconds after he'd said it, the backyard exploded. Logan and Colin doubled over in deep masculine laughter. Declan cursed, and all the women in the vicinity gave a collective sigh. I found it sexy that he loved that movie. It was seriously romantic...but for a dude, it wasn't a typical movie to love.
"Can't. Fucking. Breathe," Logan bellowed, clutching his side, before letting loose a string of jokes that addressed Declan's masculinity or the lack thereof that had the entire backyard in an uproar. I had to admit, it was pretty damn funny.
"I'm going to get you back for this, Matthews," Declan promised.
"Uh-huh, are you sure you can? I mean, don't you have a pedicure to go to or something? And besides, I really don't think I have anything that can top that, but I'd love to see you try."
"Oh, really?" Clare challenged. "I believe there's a frilly apron in there you love to use when cooking. Should I go get it and share?"
Logan went white, and it was Declan's turn to laugh.
"You use an apron, dude?" Declan chuckled.
"It keeps my clothes clean! And it's Clare's! I just use it because it's the only one we have." Logan pouted, making him look ridiculously handsome in a boyish way.
The entire time this was going on, Connor stood next to me, watching with a big grin on his face. Three months ago, if he'd said something like that and this had all happened, he would have run out of the room, worried that he'd ruined the party with his slip-up. But today, he was relaxed, and he understood we teased in good fun.
We all sat down at the picnic table after piling our plates full of food. Connor sat in between Declan and me.
Declan gave him a little nudge. "Last time I tell you anything, Little Man."
Connor giggled as Declan tried to pinch his side.
"I didn't know it was a secret!" Connor laughed again.
"Just remind me of this day when we meet your first girlfriend. I'll be sure to return the favor with something equally embarrassing," Declan said.
~Declan~
Dinner was finished, and I went wandering through the house in search of Connor. I hadn't seen him since we sat down to eat, and then he'd run off with Maddie to play again. I loved these visits I had with him —except for the end when I had to give him back. I hated that part. It reminded me of the fucked-up situation I was in —the fact that I still couldn't tell him who I was, the fact that my son was being raised by someone else, and the fact that he still thought of me as nothing more than a close family friend. I was basically the family equivalent to an uncle.
I understood Sarah and Devin's reluctance. I did. I was just impatient. Connor had made such strides in the last few months. Every obstacle he'd faced, he had overcome. It hadn't been easy.
There had been days he'd spent with us where he would still cry and ask, "Why? Why her?"
I couldn't answer that for him. I didn't know why his mother had been taken so early in his life. Despite our falling-out, Heather had been a good person. I knew she'd made mistakes, and I hated that I couldn't get the first seven years of Connor's life back. Did I wish things were different though? Hell yes. If I could take his pain away, even at the cost of not knowing him, I would do it in an instant.
I found Maddie and Connor in the hallway downstairs, looking at old photos. There were photos of Clare and Logan, baby pictures of Maddie, and a few of Ethan, Clare's late husband. I thought it was cool of Logan to honor Ethan's memory. I wasn't so sure I'd be as accommodating as Logan was, but then again, I wasn't in his situation, so I guessed I'd never know. We all did what we had to do to love the person we were meant for, and Logan was doing just that. "That's my other Daddy. He's in heaven," I heard Maddie say to Connor.
I hung back, ducking into one of the spare bedrooms, curious to see their interaction.
"My mommy is in heaven, too," Connor said.
"Maybe they're friends!" Maddie suggested brightly, bringing a slight smile to Connor's face.
"Maybe. That would be cool. Was your Daddy nice?"
"He was really nice. He used to surf and take me to the beach when I was a baby."
"My mom liked the beach, too, so maybe they are surfing together in heaven."
"On pink waves!"
"Why would the waves be pink?" Connor asked.
"Because it's heaven. Duh," Maddie said.
I had to suppress a chuckle.
"Hey, look at this picture. That boy looks just like you!" Maddie said, pointing to a picture on the opposite wall.
I could just barely make it out. It was one I hadn't seen in a long time. It must have just been added to the wall. It was an old photograph of Logan and me from grade school. We had our arms around each other's shoulders in a boyish embrace, and we gave goofy smiles while looking at the camera.
"It does kinda. Who's the other boy?" Connor asked.
"I think that's my Daddy, Logan."
I heard Clare call for Maddie from the kitchen. Maddie had left a mess in the living room, and she was being told to clean it up. Maddie took off in a run, leaving Connor in the hallway. He stood frozen, staring at the photo of Logan and me.
"You know, we hated each other back then," I said, walking up next to him.
"That's you?"
"Yep. Logan and I go way back. We grew up together. Our fathers were close friends, and they figured their boys should be, too. Problem was, I hated Logan. He was annoying and pretentious."
"What does pretentious mean?"
"Stuck up."
"Oh, like Tyler at school. He says his dad is rich, and his room is filled with Iron Man toys."
"Yeah, exactly. Annoying, right?"
He nodded, slipping his hands into the pockets of his khakis shorts.
I continued, "So, we were forced to spend a lot of time together. We'd play nice whenever our fathers were around, which is how we ended up with pictures like this." I pointed to the frame on the wall, "But when their backs were turned, we'd be on each other in a second. Fists would fly, and we'd go home bruised and battered, both lying that we fell down or got a bit rough while wrestling."
Connor stared quietly at the picture a few moments longer, and then he looked back at me. I could see his wheels turning. Maddie was right. The Declan in that picture was a spitting image of the boy standing next to me. It would be hard to miss, and my son wasn't stupid. He'd already begun to ask questions here and there. He'd asked one day after a walk in the park if I knew who his Dad was. Another time while we were out for ice cream, he asked about his mom's friends, trying to find the missing link. I couldn't lie to him, so I'd always changed the subject. I would not tell him any more lies.
"You know last month, when it was my birthday and Sarah and Leah got me that cake that looked like a stack of pancakes?"
"Mmhmm, that was awesome."
Sarah and Leah had gone to a fancy bakery in Williamsburg and had it custom made. It was a new twist on an old tradition. Heather had made him pancakes on his birthday. We had made him a pancake birthday cake. It was a perfect melding of the old and new. It had been Leah's idea, and when she'd told me, I had fallen in love with her all over again. She never ceased to amaze me.
"And remember how I blew out the candle and made a wish?" he asked.
"Yeah?"
"Do you know what I wished for?"
"For your mom to come back?"
"No," he answered, "I know that's not going to happen."
I was a little sad, but I was also proud of him for saying this. I was sad because he had to realize this at a young age, but I was so proud that he was finally able to come to terms with his mom's death.
"Well then, what did you wish for, Little Man?" I asked, looking down at his eyes that perfectly matched mine.
"I wished for my dad."
Words failed me. I forgot how to breathe.
He looked at that photo on the wall and then back at me. His eyes were so full of hope. "Declan, are you my dad?"
I just nodded and knelt down to catch him as he jumped into my arms. I held him tight, and tears stung my eyes as I finally was able to hold him as his father.
"I knew it. I knew you were my dad," he just kept saying over and over.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know," I answered back.
We clung to each other in the empty hallway, crying until there were no tears left. We held each other for as long as we could as if making up for every hug we'd missed over the last eight years of his life —every milestone, birthday wish, and accomplishment I'd never get back because I hadn't been there.
But never again.
I never wanted him to wonder where his father was or ask why his dad didn't care enough to there for him. Saying good-bye to him after our visits was becoming more and more difficult, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could stand being a visitor in his life. Now that he knew who I was, I didn't want to say good-bye. I shouldn't have to. He was mine to protect, and it was time I started doing that full-time.
I looked up then to see Leah standing in the hall. Her stunned tear-stained eyes were watching over us as she witnessed our emotional introduction. She stayed back, allowing us a moment as father and son. She gave me a loving smile and mouthed the words, I love you.
While holding my son finally, I realized I needed to step up and become the father he needed of me. It made me feel driven, but it also scared the living shit out of me. Clutching him as I gazed into the eyes of the woman I loved, I wondered if my decision would be the one thing that could tear us apart.
~Leah~
"Now, tell me the reason we just watched that movie?" Declan asked as he rose from the couch to carry our empty mugs and soda cans into the kitchen.
He might have made fun of me for eating ice cream out of a coffee mug, but ever since he'd moved in, it was the only way he would eat it. I'd successfully converted him.
"Because it was an action movie. Guys like action movies, right?" I asked innocently.
"You know I like watching all sorts of movies, even romances. I'm not a typical guy when it comes to films. Everything else, yes," he said with a impish grin, "but films, no."
"I don't know. I just wanted something a bit different," I answered sweetly as I joined him in the kitchen, dumping the soda cans into the recycling bin.
"Wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that it starred Chris Hemsworth, would it?" he asked, leaning against the counter, which made his biceps flex against the fabric of his T-shirt.
"No. No, that had nothing to do with it," I answered, suddenly forgetting what we were talking about altogether as I stared at his rippling biceps.
He slowly made his way to me and captured me between his arms against the kitchen counter.
"Good, because if you ever, ever need a man to do something with a hammer, just let me know."
I couldn't help it. I snorted against his shoulder, laughter escaping me. "Oh God, that was awful. Worse than the last pet name you thought up."
"Precious?"
"Yes!"
"I liked that one. It was endearing. What's wrong with precious?" he asked.
"Nothing...if your name is Gollum!" I exclaimed.
Before I could let out another laugh, I was thrown over his shoulder, and we were in a dead run toward the bedroom.
"Declan, put me down!"
"Nope, you have officially hit your pain-in-the-ass quota for the day, and you must be punished!"
"I don't have a quota! And it was your cheeseball line, not mine!"
He threw me down onto the bed and pinned me beneath him, his chest heaving and his eyes bright with laughter and heat.
"You're crazy," I said.
"Maybe, but just about you."
He'd been like this all week —happy and full of boyish energy. He had his son finally, all of him, and I could see the weight being lifted off of Declan's shoulders minute by minute. But there were also times I'd seen him struggle, and I didn't know how to help. I'd see him staring at me from across the room with a pained look, but then he'd quickly look away and distract me with questions about work or the family before I could ask him what was wrong. Whatever he was trying to overcome, I only hoped he would share it soon because a female's mind was a powerful thing. Mine was already running wild with a million different reasons for his hot and cold mood swings and none of them were good. Life had just thrown us a new curve ball with Connor, and I could only hope we were strong enough to stabilize.
Our lovemaking started off playful and teasing. He nipped my shoulder, and I laughed. I pinned him beneath my thighs and gave him a show as I tore off my shirt and twirled it around in the air before letting it fly across the room. With Declan, there were a million different ways to make love, and I never seemed to get enough of any of it. He'd take me fast and hard, long and slow, or with a playful leisure that made me fall for him all over again.
When he entered me, hovering over me, with his fiery eyes locked on mine, I saw his playfulness melt away. He bent down and kissed my lips gently at first as if he were trying to savor the taste forever. Once locked into memory, he consumed me in a fevered kiss that hinged on the side of frantic.
Slipping one arm under me, he lifted me up against his hard chest, making the angle ever so deep, bringing our bodies even closer. I looked into his eyes and saw desperation, like at any moment he was afraid I would slip through his fingers like sand.
"Please," he begged, "don't ever leave me."
"I won't leave you, Declan."
"Promise it," he said roughly as his body continued to master mine.
I felt the familiar flutter deep in my belly, and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer.
"I promise," I cried out as my body shook, sending waves of pleasure ricocheting through me.
Declan followed, letting out his own release, as mine continued to spasm around his shaft. He looked into my eyes, his own so full of love and adoration. I felt unworthy of such deep emotions.
"You're mine, Leah. Forever."
"Yes, and you're mine. Forever."
I fell asleep in his arms as I had every night. I couldn't help but wonder what had brought on his desperation, his need for promises.
Where did he think I was going?
~Declan~
The next morning, I awoke before the sun broke over the horizon. The room was still dark and gray. Leah was curled against my side, her breathing quiet and even, and her honey-colored hair was splayed wildly across my chest. I very rarely awoke before she did. As a nurse, she worked odd hours, and usually, she woke up before the sun did. Moments like this, I treasured. She looked softer and innocent when she slept, giving every ounce of trust to me as I held her through the night.
This week had been one of the best and worst of my life. I'd spent hours doing research on proving paternity and obtaining custody, and I had spoken with Sarah and Devin. They were in agreement with me, and they'd fully supported my decision. As much as they loved Connor, they wanted him to be happy, and they believed that I could provide that for him. Even though it wasn't what Heather wished, Sarah felt a child should be raised by a loving parent whenever possible. I was so incredibly touched by their willingness and dedication to Connor. At any point in this journey, they could have slammed the door in my face, and that would have made everything a giant mess.
I hadn't said a word to Leah. Through so many phone calls, research, and paperwork, I hadn't told the one person I cared about the most —the woman I lived with and loved with my entire being. Why? I was scared to death. What would she say? Would she hate me for making such a huge decision without her? Was she ready to be a mother? She could leave me. I couldn't live without her, but I couldn't ignore my duties as a father. I couldn't treat my son the way my father had treated me.
"Declan," Leah said, her voice soft and sleepy, "what are you doing awake?"
"Couldn't sleep," I simply stated.
"Are you okay?" she asked, lifting her head to meet my gaze.
"I want Connor."
"We get to see him this weekend," she encouraged, bending down to gently kiss my shoulder.
I should have said something. I should have talked to her before I contacted anyone. She should have been my first priority after Connor, but I'd panicked.
"I don't mean it like that. I mean, I want custody of him. I want all of him, all the time. I can't keep saying good-bye," I said without looking at her, afraid of her reaction.
