Never Been Ready, page 18
She was beautiful with long light brown hair and bright eyes. She looked younger than when I'd seen her. But where did I recognize her from? And why would I recognize someone Declan had a photo of?
"Hey, Declan. Who's this?"
"Oh, that's Heather, my ex-girlfriend from college," he answered, joining me from across the room.
I stared at it a second longer as Declan watched me. I was sure he was worried that I was going to go all jealous girlfriend on him, but I couldn't figure out that face.
The photo was haunting, and I couldn't place where I'd seen that face before.
The photo...a memory started to surface at the edge of my mind.
The boy...the boy in the hospital...the photo he'd had in his hand...the one from the fair of him and his mother.
The mother that had died. It was her.
Heather was dead, and I needed to tell Declan.
An image of the boy's eyes flashed through my memory, and I suddenly felt sick. I remembered sitting with the boy, thinking his eyes looked so familiar.
I turned and looked into Declan's eyes —the eyes I'd stared into a million times, fallen in love with, and memorized, so I could dream of them when I slept.
Oh God, they were the same.
"How long ago did you break up?" I asked, feeling my hands begin to shake.
"Uh, hmmm...well, I was twenty-four, so about eight years ago, a little less maybe. Why?"
Just then, he saw my hands shaking and my panicked expression.
"Leah, what is it? You're freaking me out here."
"I think you have a son."
~Declan~
I would have thought it was some sort of joke, but Leah looked destroyed as the words tumbled out of her mouth.
"What are you saying? I don't understand," I asked, taking her shaking hands in mine, trying to make sense of the fright and panic in her eyes.
Her chest was heaving so hard, I thought she might hyperventilate. I pulled her into my arms and sat us on the bed as I stroked her hair while tears fell from her eyes.
She took a deep breath and began her story. "It was the night you came back into town. I was just getting off my shift at the hospital. Logan called me and said there had been a horrible accident, and the woman driving had died. Declan, it was her. It was Heather. I didn't know at the time, but I recognize her now from this picture."
I hadn't seen Heather in eight years, but hearing she was gone killed me. "How?" was all I could manage, my voice coming out rough and gravely.
"Trucker fell asleep at the wheel and veered off into oncoming traffic. Heather didn't have a chance. She tried to save them, but she ended up driving head-on into a tree."
"Them? It was more than just Heather?"
"Declan, she had a child with her —your child."
"I do not have a child. I would know," I said adamantly. "I haven't seen or heard from her in eight years. She would have told me, came to me, included me."
Leah looked at me with such sad eyes as she placed her hand gently on my cheek. "He had your eyes, Declan. He was seven, and he looked like you."
"No," I whispered. "No!" I shouted, rising from the bed, needing space.
"I'm so sorry, Declan. I'm so sorry."
I couldn't deal. I started throwing on clothes and shoes, not having any idea of what I was doing. I needed out. There was too much to process —Heather's death, a son. My mind shut down, and I ran. I tore down the stairs to the bottom level and out the sliding door to the beach where I kept running. I ran until my lungs burned, and my face was numb from the constant wind. When that wasn't far enough, I ran farther.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, I stopped. I looked around, but nothing looked familiar. I must have run for miles. I didn't even have a watch or cell phone on me to see how long I'd been gone. Leah must have freaked out with my psychotic departure. I owed her an apology, but I just needed out, and I needed a bit of time alone —time to grieve, time to wrap my head around my new reality.
Heather was gone. And I was possibly a father.
Saying both by themselves was difficult, but saying both together was nearly impossible. I hadn't been in love with Heather for a long time, and I'd lost my anger toward her several years ago. Even at twenty-four, we had been young. I'd wanted more, and she hadn't. I'd asked her for a new life together, and she hadn't been ready, so we'd gone our separate ways. It was one of the hardest parts of my life, but I'd gotten over it. Had it not happened, I would have never found Leah, and she was the life I wanted.
But knowing Heather's life was over hurt, and I didn't know how to grieve for someone I barely remembered —especially after learning she could have borne my child and never told me. Why would she do that? I had been nothing but caring, loving, and dedicated with her. I would have stayed with her, given that child everything I could, but I hadn't even been given a chance. Why?
I was a father. Was I? Leah had seemed to think so, but I needed to know for sure. If that child was mine, I needed to know.
Finding my way back to the house, I quietly entered the back door and made my way up the stairs from where I'd fled hours earlier. Leah was curled up on the couch facing the panoramic window that opened out to the ocean. She had fallen asleep after probably waiting up for me. I bent down, pulled her body into mine, and carried her upstairs to our bed.
She stirred as I laid her down. Her eyes fluttered open, and she immediately pulled me into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Declan." She sobbed into my shoulder.
"Shhh, it's okay. I'm sorry I scared you. I just needed to process everything, and I bolted. It was a jackass thing to leave you here."
"No, it's okay. I understand. Are you okay?"
"I don't know. I don't really know what to think right now. You said they were both in the accident? Was he injured?" I asked, realizing I'd naturally assumed he was okay until this moment.
"He was unharmed. He just had a few bumps and bruises from the seat belt."
I nodded before pulling her body against mine, needing the physical reminder of her love.
"What's his name?"
"Connor."
"Leah?"
"Yeah?"
"I need to find him."
~Leah~
We cut our trip a day short. Neither one of us felt like frolicking on the beach after the bomb I'd dropped the night before. Declan had let me sleep most of the day, and then we took a red-eye flight out of LAX, leaving in the dead of night with little notice. It was a good thing, too. When we arrived in Atlanta to catch our connecting flight, Declan grabbed us some coffees while I stopped at a store in the airport to pick up a magazine, and then I saw my own smiling face staring back at me.
We were everywhere. The news that Declan was in love had made the front page. Suddenly, the up-and-coming bachelor actor was the source for hot gossip again.
People magazine had us front and center with the caption, Declan James Finds Love in Virginia!
The photo showed us in our elegant evening wear, close together with our foreheads touching, as we shared a private moment —a private moment that was now everywhere. It was a beautiful picture —one that I would have normally loved to frame and display on the mantle of our fireplace, so we could see it every day as we cuddled on the couch, watching movies or eating take-out at the coffee table.
Our fireplace. Declan was moving in with me. We were going to live together.
Oh God, he was still moving in with me, wasn't he?
What if he had changed his mind? What if what I told him last night changed everything?
He hadn't said anything against it. But he hadn't mentioned it since either. I suddenly felt panicked over my future —a future that, not twenty-four hours ago, was secure and bright with so many possibilities. Now, I saw nothing but murky waters and uncertainties.
As much as I'd wanted to dispute that I could have been wrong, that the child could have been anyone's, I knew. Looking back, I remembered those eyes and the way I'd felt when sitting with Connor. He'd seemed so familiar, and I couldn't place it at the time. I had spent six months desperately trying to forget Declan, so it was no wonder I couldn't place the face at the time —not that it would have done any good. I didn't know Heather. I didn't know their history like I did now.
"Hey, are you ready? They just called our flight," Declan said, coming behind me as I paid for my purchase.
I nodded, and we made our way to the gate. Keeping our heads low and hats snug, I felt like a criminal trying to escape prison. But I also didn't want a scene, especially now. Declan was putting on a good face, but I knew he was a wreck inside.
He hadn't slept since I'd told him about Connor, and I was afraid if he didn't sleep soon, he would crack. He was tense and edgy. Besides travel arrangements and other superficial questions, he hadn't spoken. He was retreating into himself, and I didn't know how to help. I felt useless and guilty —guilty because I had been the cause of everything. Yes, he'd deserved to know, but I was still the one who had told him, the one who had completely altered his life.
We boarded the plane and found our seats. After stowing our bags, he didn't say a word as he lifted the armrest separating our seats. He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me like a lifeline. We sat like this for I didn't know how long, clinging to each other, as the plane took off, taking us away from our little oasis and back to reality...a completely unknown reality.
"How do I find him, Leah? I don't where to start."
"I'll help you. We'll find him."
"How?" he asked, sounding desperate.
"Logan said they were on the way to a friend of the family's house. That was why they were in Virginia. Did she have any friends who lived in Virginia?"
"No, not that I know of," he answered.
"Sarah? Does that name mean anything to you? When I was with Connor, he said he was going to see Sarah."
"Heather's best friend's name was Sarah. She lived in New York though...or at least, she used to. Her last name was Weaver."
"Maybe she moved?" I suggested.
"Maybe. But how would I find her now?"
"Hotshot, you have heard of Facebook, right?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Mmm, yes, I've heard of it, but I don't have an account."
"What? Yes, you do. I see you post all the time."
"That's a fan page. My publicist runs it. I do not have a Facebook page on purpose. It's too easy to track me, and I would prefer to remain a bit of a mystery," he said, giving a slight smile. "So, you could find her on Facebook?"
"Yes, I think we could, assuming she has an account. Want me to look?"
He nodded, and we spent the next half an hour, thanks to the Wi-Fi on the plane, stalking Sarah Weaver on Facebook. I started off by looking up Heather, and I found her with the help of Declan. Her account was pretty well secured, only showing a small photo of her, but her friend list was still accessible. We went through it and found a Sarah Keane who lived in Williamsburg, Virginia. From there, it was as simple as looking Sarah up on Google.
"You found him," Declan said, completely astonished.
"Assuming he's still there."
"He's there. They were best friends, and Heather didn't have any other family. I don't see Heather leaving him with anyone else," he said.
I knew he was trying not to be angry with Heather because of the fact that eight years had gone by and she'd never once bothered to let him know that he had a child.
"It's okay," I said. "We'll make it right. He'll know you now."
He agreed, and for the first time in twenty-four hours, he rested his head on my chest, closed his eyes, and slept.
~Declan~
We arrived home early. It was one of the perks of taking a red-eye. Of course, my body had no idea what time it was, considering the time change and the fact that I hadn't slept more than a few hours since the night of the premiere. Stepping off the plane in Virginia, I felt like I was coming home. Even though my home, the one I owned, was in California, Virginia felt like my real home now. Leah was here, and there was no other place I wanted to be. It turns out that someone else was here, and I needed to find him —as soon as possible.
Father, dad, daddy, papa —none of those words registered in my brain. For now, he was a child I was connected to, but I still didn't feel like anyone's father. A million thoughts raced through my head as we made our way out of the airport and onto the interstate. Williamsburg was less than an hour from the airport, so I had very little time to gather my thoughts. It was like trying to pluck bits of dust scattering through the air. They were everywhere and fanning out in a million directions.
Did Heather tell him anything about me? Did he know my name? What if he hated me already? Worse, what if I didn't exist at all? Was I ready to be a father? Did I want to be? If he was living with Sarah and her new husband, he should stay there...right? That was what Heather had wanted. But what about what I wanted? What did I want?
Fuck.
Thank God Leah was driving. I didn't think I saw any of the scenery the entire way there. It was just endless trees passing by in a blur. Leaving L.A. a day early had given us an entire twenty-four hours of free time. Neither Leah nor I had to work, and rather than wait and try to put this off, we'd thought it would be better for both of us to just go now while we had the time and the courage. I needed to know if that child was my son, and I needed answers that I was hoping Sarah could give me.
The crunching gravel pulled me out of my trance, and I looked up to find us in the driveway of a Colonial brick house. It looked new, but the architecture was fitting of the historical town and surroundings. It was well kept with a porch swing and potted plants, and it looked like the perfect place to raise a child. I suddenly felt like an intruder. The boy had just lost his mother. He was probably adjusting to a new life, and here I was, about to screw that all up.
What was I doing? I shouldn't be here.
I turned to Leah to see her eyes were on me. She was trying to appraise the situation. Apparently, my freak-out was evident.
"I can't do this, Leah. I can't do this to him."
"Declan..."
I didn't respond. My head went to my knees, and I felt like my lungs were caving in. This was too much, too real. I was an epic fuck-up. No one deserved a father like me. Jesus, Leah's face was plastered everywhere this morning from one night out in Hollywood with me. What would happen when the papers found out I had a secret child? It could destroy a kid.
"Declan, look at me," Leah said firmly, causing me to turn my gaze upward. "You need to calm the fuck down. You're starting to hyperventilate. I know this is hard. I know it's a lot, but I'm here, okay? We're in this together, and whatever happens, you owe it to yourself and that little boy to get out of this car and try. Do you understand?"
She squeezed my hand, and I felt my pulse begin to slow. Her touch always calmed my nerves.
"God, I love you."
She smiled, and we eventually made our way out of the car and down the long walkway. Leah knocked on the door. It was a weekday and just past noon. If anyone were home, it wouldn't include Connor. Leah and I had figured it would be best this way, talking to Sarah first, rather than showing up, unannounced, with Connor in the house.
A few seconds passed by before a familiar brunette opened the door. It took her a minute, but the recognition appeared, and she pulled me into a tight hug.
"Declan, it's so good to see you!"
"You, too, Beanpole. How are you?"
"I hate that nickname! And as you can see, I'm not quite a beanpole anymore!" she said, wiggling her hips as she led us inside.
"No." I laughed. "You look great, Sarah."
"Turns out having a baby will work wonders on a figure if you have none."
"Congratulations are in order, I guess," I said warmly.
"Thank you. Her name is April, and she's ten months. She's down for a nap, but she should be up soon." Sarah smiled and then motioned for us to sit down in the family room. It was large and filled with baby stuff —a rocker, swing, toys.
As I looked closer, I saw a few older toys lying around —an iPod, some sort of hand held gaming device in the corner, and a few action heroes. Connor was definitely living with them.
"So, what brings the Hollywood star to my door today and who have you brought with you?" she asked sweetly.
I introduced Leah and they exchanges pleasantries, complimenting each other on their outfits and shoes, and all the other shit women did when they met.
"I heard about Heather," I said, trying to get to the point.
"Oh, yes, we lost her a few months ago in a car accident. She was like a sister to me, you knew that. Even after Devin whisked me away to Virginia a few years ago, we always remained close. I miss her every day."
"I'm so sorry, Sarah. I know you were like sisters. I still remember how you used to raid each other's closets and finish each other's sentences. I always envied that closeness you had."
She blinked back tears and nodded silently. "Thank you, Declan. I really appreciate you coming by to pass on your condolences. You didn't have to come all the way here to do it though."
"Well, I'm moving to Virginia permanently, so I wanted to come by and say how sorry I was. Leah's a nurse in Richmond. She works in labor and delivery."
Sarah looked a bit confused, but she smiled. She asked if we'd like anything to drink or to snack on but we politely declined. I was getting a tad annoyed with Sarah for avoiding the topic at hand. She had my son, and she was obviously going to make no attempt to tell me.
"I was lucky enough to meet Leah through my good friend, Logan. You remember Logan, right? He used to come visit me from time to time in college."
She nodded and started to reply, but I just continued, "Anyway, he lives in Richmond now with his wife and daughter. He's an ER doctor. He works on all sorts of trauma cases...including car accidents."
She saw my eyes narrow in on the action figures on the coffee table. Her eyes widened, and tears began spilling over.
