Heart of Midnight, page 15
One of the guards below me held out a thumbs up, which looked a little wavery from up here, but I was relatively sure that’s what they did.
So, I was off again, climbing back to the place I reached before, not quite the middle and height of the giant arch.
Getting there seemed to be faster this time. Once I was there, tying off the rope that was wrapped around my chest was more complicated.
The hole in the beam was perfect, wrapping it through two holes gave me plenty of strength, but holding onto the whole thing as it dragged at me while I unwound it from my body was a pain in the ass.
Finally, I got it done, tied tight, and unwrapped from me.
I took hold of the rope and swung my legs off the beam, wrapping the rope between my feet.
But looking down at the crowd below me as the rope stilled, I realized that it wasn’t just the guard and Gus and Jacquetta gathered around to watch now.
Tristan held the end of the rope in his hands, his head tipped back to stare up at me, and I didn’t think it was a trick of the distance that his face was all angles and pissed off lines.
“Shit,” I muttered. He said he would trust me to train the guard the way I saw fit, but he was going to be livid that it included me taking a risk he would probably see as unnecessary. Just wait until he saw why I needed to do this.
As much as I was looking forward to training the guard, I assumed this was going to be an ongoing problem.
I climbed down the rope using my legs. Squeezing the rope with my feet gave my arms more of a break on the way.
Every time I came to one of the knots in the rope, I pulled it up to me and checked the connection before I put my weight on the next section.
Finally, I got close enough to the crowd to be sure that what I heard was real. None of them were talking now.
Maybe they were when I heard them earlier, but with the King in their midst, none of them were making a sound.
The silence was unnerving as I got even closer.
But before my feet hit the ground, Tristan, finally letting go of the rope entirely and not just letting out slack so I could do with it what I needed, grabbed me off the rope and held me tight to him instead of putting me down.
“I’m fine,” I said.
His heart hammered away in his chest, and he still didn’t put me down, just shook his head.
“King Tristan,” Jacquetta said, putting the lightest touch on his arm.
Finally, a deep breath, and he put me down.
“Please don’t ever do that again,” he said into my ear.
“You know I can’t promise that.” I hugged him and pulled his hands from me to hold them between us, forcing him to look at me. His eyes darted back and forth on my face, then up and down my body in frantic sweeps as if he didn’t believe I was whole. “But this needed to be done. And I’m fine.”
He nodded and swallowed.
“Alright, the show is done,” General Pace yelled from so close she made me jump, “get back to your duties."
The crowd around us dissipated, but Gus, Jacquetta, General Pace, Tristan, and I remained.
“I need to talk to you,” he said.
Shit again, but bigger. I probably needed to yell at the King.
Chapter 35
Tonight
“Cinder, what were you thinking?” Tristan yelled, grabbing me by the arms the second the door flap to my tent closed.
“Don’t you yell at me,” I said, finger pointed at him and growl in my voice.
“I will do whatever I want when you act insane. You’re supposed to be done with this.” He let me go to wave his hands in the air toward the door behind me, but at least he wasn’t yelling anymore.
“Get out,” I said, pointing at the door behind me.
“What?” he asked, pulling his head back like I slapped him, which was exactly what I wanted to do. “Why would I leave?”
“Because,” I shoved past him, knocking into his shoulder with mine as I stomped to the trunk at the end of my bed and sat on it, crossing my arms. “No man gets to yell at me, and question my sanity, in my own damn room…tent. Whatever.”
He ran his hands through his hair in a rough, swift motion, leaving it sticking up in all directions as he slapped them back at his sides.
“You can’t do this anymore.” He waved at the door behind him, and I rolled my eyes.
“Tristan, you’re not my dad, and you’re not my brother.” My voice cracked on ‘brother,’ and I ground my teeth together. Ash questioned everything I did. He didn’t do shit, but everything I did was suspect every step of the way. This was supposed to be different.
Dropping his head back, he stared at the ceiling of the tent, and I clenched my hands into fists.
Finally, he brought his face back to look at me, and kneeled on the floor in front of me, putting his hands on my knees in a gentle touch.
“Listen, I’m sorry,” he said, and it was my turn to snap my head back like he slapped me.
“Excuse me?” My voice was as devoid of inflection as my mind was empty of understanding. What was he talking about? If I questioned Ash the way I just did Tristan, he would not have apologized.
“I can’t yell at you and tell you what to do,” he said.
Although he could have, really. He was the King. I was his subject. He technically had more right to order me around than Ash did, no matter how much I hated it. But I wasn’t going to point that out. He told me to train the guard. I was training the guard. He needed to get over his issues with the way I did it.
“But, please,” he said, putting his face in my lap, a shudder running through him, “please be more careful.”
“Tristan,” I said, the ice that had formed around my heart thawing until my fists unfurled and I put my hands on the back of his head, brushing out the wild parts of his hair with my fingers. “Nothing I did was dangerous.”
“Liar,” he said, lifting his head to look at me as I froze again, ice enclosing my entire body. “No matter how good you are, that was dangerous. There had to be another way to do that without risking your life.”
I took in a shuddering breath and had to focus on his words, running them through my mind multiple times before I could exhale again. Even then, I couldn’t speak. All I could do was shake my head.
He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed before looking back at me and running a hand along my cheek.
“My beautiful flame, I’m afraid you’ll burn so bright you’ll burn out. And I need your light.”
Thaw. The rest of the ice encasing me, trapping me, keeping me from moving, disappeared. It was replaced by the kind of heat he always had, but it flared up within me instead. I slid down off the trunk to sit in his lap, my legs straddling him.
“Please believe me. I know it looks scary. I know that you worry, and I’m sorry it upsets you, but this is what I do. This is what I need to keep doing to train them, to protect you, and to protect Onyx.”
“But I don’t want you to have to protect me or the country. I should be protecting you and Onyx. I’m the King. It’s my job.”
I cupped his face, my palms on his cheeks.
“Your job is to live. And this is war. If only one person survives this war, it has to be you.”
His face crumpled, his entire body wilting in front of me as he leaned forward, pulling me to him so he could bury his face in my neck.
“Cinder,” he said, my name a lament, like he was mourning me already.
“Shh. I’m here.”
“Cinder.” This time it was like a ballad, haunting but less mournful.
“We’re okay.”
“Cinder.” Now it was like a love song.
I sucked in a breath as he kissed my neck, suddenly more than aware of how we were tangled up together.
“Tristan,” I said, trying to imbue my voice with warning and landing somewhere closer to a plea.
But he stopped, just running his hands up and down my back.
“No matter what,” he said, “no matter how much I try and make it okay in my head, I can’t stop seeing you up on that beam, and wanting to keep you hidden away in here, with me.” He sighed at the same time I did.
“And no matter what you say, you know this is part of who I am.” I moved slightly, making him lift his head so we were staring into each other’s eyes. I wanted to kiss him, to lose myself to this, to throw all my caution into the hellfire source. But there was no better time to make my point. “It will always be a part of me.”
A line appeared between his brows, and the corners of his mouth turned down. Still, I waited.
This was it. I gave him the best reason to get rid of me, to relegate me to just a trainer and a fighter, not the one he slept next to. And not the one he was going to make Queen.
My lungs screamed for me to breathe, but I couldn’t. All I could do was wait.
For the moment he realized what I meant.
And left me there on the floor.
He took a hand from my back and my heart stuttered. But he brought it to my face and ran a tender finger along my jaw.
“Do you really think that I don’t want you because you make me worry?” he asked, and I took a shaking breath.
“It would be better for you if you didn’t want me.” My voice was thin, but I managed to say it.
Tristan shook his head and smiled a soft smile.
“Easier, maybe.” His smile grew into a grin, but flattened out a moment later to that same look he got every time my traitorous heart said to kiss him. “But, Cinder, there was little better for me before you.”
I opened my mouth to answer. What I was planning to say, I didn’t know. Maybe I was planning on giving in and kissing him, no matter how much it would hurt later.
But the flap of the tent flung back and General Pace, her eyes squeezed shut, said, “King Tristan, there’s been an attack.”
He leaned forward to stand and picked me up, setting me on my feet all in one fluid motion.
“I’ll see you tonight,” he said, with a perfunctory kiss on the forehead, and he was gone.
Tonight…my legs gave out and I plopped down onto the trunk again.
After all of that, I still had to face him tonight. In my bed.
Chapter 36
So This Is
“Cinder,” Gus said, “you have to stop.”
But I couldn’t stop pacing back and forth across the tent. Not until Tristan was here. Not until I knew.
“Please, come eat something,” Jacquetta said, gesturing to the spread they brought back from the dining tent.
“You weren’t here,” I said. “You don’t know.”
My throat was dry, and my voice sounded like rocks tumbling along cobblestones. But the idea of stopping my movement made all the muscles in my legs shake even as I kept pacing.
“Then tell us what happened.” Gus dropped her head back on her chair and addressed the ceiling like she couldn’t believe she had to say it again.
How was I supposed to explain?
I gave him a reason. I told him to send me away.
But he didn’t.
Not yet.
And it didn’t feel like a reprieve. It felt like a blade hanging over my head.
It wasn’t as if he was going to walk in after spending all day with the General and all the other commanders of the war effort, and decide that I was still worth additional stress.
“Just…a lot.” It was the same non-explanation I gave them an hour ago, and a half hour ago, and every other time they asked me since they found me sitting on the trunk staring at the place on the floor where we were together. Where he said he wanted me.
“Any word on what the attack was?” I asked, continuing to pace, and finally remembering that maybe Gus and Jacquetta knew more than I did. They always seemed to know more than I did.
“No. Not anything I would say was valuable information,” Jacquetta said, taking the last bite of her meal.
“The guards are all speculating, and trading concerned whispers about where it was and how bad.” Gus said, taking another roll from the ones in the middle of the table even though she had been done with her food for a while, she kept getting more.
It was for the best. I didn’t think I was going to be able to sit still long enough to eat while my stomach continuously flopped around inside me, twisting itself into intricate sailing knots.
Once I knew for sure if he was going to send me home—
Movement at the door stopped me mid-step, my weight balanced halfway between one foot and the other made my feet feel as likely to topple over as my heart.
The tent door moved again, but I remained still.
Finally, Tristan swept aside the door, his face haggard, his shoulders slumped.
Just beyond him, the General was walking away.
“Cinder,” he said. His voice was low and barely there, but it still sounded like a love song. I could move again.
I went to him, and he wrapped his arms around me, burying his face in my neck. I held onto him like he would fly away at any moment.
“Are you okay?” I asked, my voice still rough and raw.
“Yes, but a lot of people aren’t.” He pulled back to let out a shaking breath, rubbing his eyes with the heel of a hand. “I’m going to be late. But I wanted to tell you that I will be back later. Please, go to sleep.”
Nodding, I couldn’t find the words to explain or to question him. I wanted to know where the attack was, who was hurt, what techniques the attackers used, if birds were involved. And I wanted to tell him, to blurt out everything I was obsessing about while he was gone.
He lifted a hand to my cheek.
I leaned into it.
“Tonight,” he whispered, putting his forehead to mine and looking into my eyes, “I will be back tonight. But please don’t worry.”
“You need to eat something, too,” I said, taking a deep breath. Finally, my stomach settled, and I knew I would be able to finish my meal after all.
“The General will make sure I do.” He kissed me on the cheek and looked past me to Gus and Jacquetta at the table. “Please make sure she doesn’t do anything to try and save the world by herself while I’m gone. I need her when I get back.”
He smiled at them, squeezed my hand, and left again, with me standing in the middle of the entryway replaying his words.
“Did…” I asked, my grating voice trailing off. I whirled around and looked at Gus and Jacquetta, their mouths hanging open. “Did the King just say he needed me? Me?”
“What did you two talk about earlier?” Gus asked, eyes wide.
“Cinder, did he propose?” Jacquetta asked, bouncing up and down in her seat.
“No, stop.” I shook my head and made my way to them, taking a seat of my own and piling a plate high with food.
But, first, I drained an entire glass of water and refilled it.
“Seriously, I’m starting to feel dizzy,” Gus said, putting both her hands flat on the table and leaning forward.
“A minute ago, you were a wreck,” Jacquetta said, “and you were acting like a tragedy happened that was even worse than the attack. Now you’re just fine.”
“I…” I looked off to the side of the tent, to where my bed and my trunk were, to where Tristan and I…what? What did happen? “Something changed. And I don’t even know how to explain it.”
“Oh, oh, oh,” Gus said, pawing frantically at Jacquetta’s arm, her face in a grin so wide it looked like it hurt.
“Cinder?” Jacquetta said, making my name a long, leading question. But where she thought it was leading to, I had no idea.
“What?” I asked, shoving another giant bite in my mouth. They were starting to send all my suspicions into overdrive. It didn’t make the food taste better.
“She does.” Gus hugged Jacquetta’s arm, her face going all mooney like she was looking at a basket full of puppies.
“I’m so happy,” Jacquetta said, leaning her head on Gus’ and matching her look of sappy sentimentality, as if I was a particularly gushing love letter from the person of her dreams.
Taking another bite and looking around me, I couldn’t figure out what was so different that made them act this way.
“Okay, fine. I’ll ask the stupid thing even though I know you’re both going to make me regret this. I do, what?” I twisted my face up and squinted at them, trying to prepare myself for whatever they were about to say.
“No, we shouldn’t say anything,” Gus said, sitting up and taking another roll from the table, smiling around the bite she took.
“You’ll figure it out. That comes next,” Jacquetta said, standing and taking her plate and Gus’, puttering around to clean up everything.
“I’m not done with that,” I said, snagging a plate of some kind of yummy meat on a stick that we never got in Lehar, and that I had never tried at any of the little roadside Inns I visited throughout Onyx.
“Okay, you’re allowed to eat anything you want,” Jacquetta said, that ridiculous grin plastered on her face.
Gus stood up with her as they wandered around the tent picking up, but was she…humming?
What was wrong with them?
I continued to shovel food in my mouth, and paid no attention to their muttered conversation until one word popped out to me, louder than all the others even though it was said at the same volume.
“Marriage.”
Slowing down my chewing, trying to listen as hard as I could, the hairs on my arms rose.
“They’ll figure it out,” Gus said.
“I just wish they would hurry up. I mean, have you ever seen two people more in love?” Jacquetta asked, and my hearing disappeared.
While they continued to talk, all the sound was sucked out of the room and left me in a vortex full of the remembered sound of his heart, and the answering sound of my own.
No.
Tristan couldn’t love me.
I couldn’t love him.
All of it was exactly the opposite of what the country needed to happen.
