Northbane Shifters Box Set, page 133
part #1 of Northbane Shifters Series
We were standing together in a stretch of wilderness between Veda and Cobalt, the most likely path that Tiani had taken out of Winfyre Ridge when she’d left. My fists clenched, as they did every time I thought about it. Then would follow the same pattern—a surge of fury, a dull drum of grief, and a knot of fear. Meshing and crashing together, distracting me at the worst possible times.
“She had help,” Luke said. He was the best tracker Winfyre had. “Whether she knew it or not.”
“I think she knew,” I said in a low voice. “I think she waited. That’s why Lind risked getting in here, why she cornered her alone, why she…” Got my guard down, acted like my friend, and then betrayed me. “Excris were probably waiting to clean up her trail.”
“It also rained.” Rett had appeared, looking drawn and exhausted.
I didn’t want to hear any defenses or anything about Tiani. I’d wasted enough time.
“Thank you,” I said. “Call off the trackers. We’re done.” All three of them stared at me. “I have to go to Veda and see Beylore. Probably won’t be back till late.” I didn’t meet Kal’s eyes as he glared at me, or Luke’s concerned gaze, or Rett’s bewildered one. “Run double patrols again tonight.”
Luke swore under his breath, and Rett shook his head, his voice soft as he said, “You really want us to stop looking?”
I let out a small, bitter laugh. “You’re not going to find her.”
With that, I turned and left them, stewing in annoyance that my friends were failing to grasp the magnitude of Tiani’s betrayal. It was irritating. Like she’d just stepped out or something.
“She left,” I said and shoved my hand into my jacket pocket, crushing the paper in it into a thin, twisted strip. “She made her choice.”
They all fell silent, and I began to walk away.
“What about Iris?” Rett asked in a low voice.
I went to turn around, when Kal cleared his throat. “I’ll talk to her.”
With that, I left.
The whole day had a nasty flavor to it, an ugly urgency that wouldn’t give me a moment’s peace, and I found myself short and impatient with everyone. Beylore found me barking at a handful of young shifters who’d carelessly left a gap in the extra daytime patrols. Yes, the team on duty was a group of veterans, but still. We needed to be vigilant.
Lor waited until I was done, her eyebrows pulling closer and closer together in my peripheral vision. I felt myself faltering a little bit, and a few of the shifters shot her grateful looks.
“I think you’ve made your point, Xander,” Beylore said mildly.
Nostrils flaring, I jerked my head at her, said a few more choice words, and then dismissed them. Ignoring Beylore, aggravated and a little embarrassed, I stalked off into the woods, hoping she wouldn’t follow me. I needed to be alone, to clear my head and continue my work.
I was assessing potential weak spots in Veda’s perimeter, and Lor was supposed to be helping me. However, I’d been on my own for hours, and now it was wearing late into the afternoon. Climbing a ridge, I stood on a hill and glanced around. Then I gave a small start.
I’d brought Tiani here to this exact spot a few days before she left.
“Dammit,” I muttered.
“Alex, what are you doing?” I flinched but didn’t turn around. “Alex.”
“Leave me alone, Lor,” I growled.
“You brought Tiani here.” Lor moved closer, and my eyes closed. Did nothing escape her notice? “And you’ve come back. Why?”
“Not on purpose,” I muttered.
“Oh, my,” Lor hummed to herself. “Subconscious, then. Tell me, my brother, are you really going to let her go?”
I choked and whirled around, my eyes searching through the forest, my senses expanding. We were completely alone, but still, we never used any kind of word that could indicate our shared blood.
“What the hell is wrong with you, Lorel?” I hissed, and then grimaced at my slip up. “Dammit.”
Lor laughed. “We’re alone.”
“It’s still not safe. We decided that long ago, to hide you. After…”
After Brody died, so many things had gone wrong. Lor had had to be hidden so as to keep Winfyre safe. No one except Kal, Fallon, and a few of Lor’s trusted Coven Riftborn knew who she was. Iris also knew, as she'd inadvertently found out. Luke, Rett, and Tristan had all agreed to consume a draught that would wipe Beylore and my family from their minds. To them, she was the mysterious Head of the Coven, not a childhood friend and Brody’s wife.
Although I sometimes wondered if it had worked as well as it should’ve. Either way, they never brought it up, and Kal barely brought anything up, so Lor had been safe.
Anger ripped through me. I’d wanted the Coven to prepare the same draught for Iris, but Lor had refused. She hated that it had come to that long ago, hated being kept a secret.
“Still think it was a good idea to let Tiani keep her memories?” I asked snidely.
“Excuse me?” Lor asked, and her voice was a shard of ice.
“Sorry,” I gritted out and ran a hand through my hair. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m in a terrible mood. That’s why I walked away—I need some space.”
“Actually, I think you need less space. Usually, I’d recommend you go spend time with our family—you know, our parents, grandparents, and extended relations who constantly inundate me with questions about you and how you’re doing.”
“That’s why I live in Cobalt, and you live in Veda,” I said, trying to smile and failing.
“Alexander Bane,” Lor said with a sigh. “You…” She trailed off and frowned, eyes sliding down from my face to my jacket. Specifically, to my hand in my jacket pocket. “What is that?”
I’d shoved my hand into my pocket and been unconsciously crushing Tiani’s letter. It was now wrapped in my fingers, and there was no way to quietly extract it.
“Uh,” I said. “It’s a…” Lor’s eyes became fierce. “It’s a note,” I muttered, resigned to her uncanny prescience and nosiness. “A note I haven’t read.”
Lor’s eyes were huge now. “Xander! Are you stupid? You’ve been carrying it around for, what, five or six days? There could be important information in there. It’s now clear that Lind and Orion still have some kind of hold on Tiani.”
“No, what’s clear is that I should have never trusted her.”
“What’s clear is that you’re so furious, you’re willing to risk just about anything to salvage your poor, damaged ego.”
Lor and I glared at each other for several moments. She broke first.
“Alex.”
“No.”
“Alex, you have to read it. You know that. That’s why you wound up here. It’s why you’re in such a bad mood—you’re in limbo between knowing the worst and hoping it’s not.”
“Tiani…” I stopped and sucked in a hard breath.
I thought her name would seem like a shard of glass in my mouth.
Instead, it was soft and full of longing.
“Iris got a letter, too,” Lor said, and I stared at her. “That’s why I was late. I was trying to use it to see if I could figure out where she’s gone. But I can’t pinpoint her, not outside of Winfyre.”
“Why?” I asked.
Lor’s gaze fell, and her eyes became shadowed. “You know, up until I started dating Brody, I always thought you’d get married first.” A prickle ran across my skin, and my eyes widened. “Especially as you got older, and you became so confident, so self-aware and open. It’s like you didn’t have flaws because you knew they could be strengths; you knew when to be vulnerable or when to be strong. You’d grown up so much, become so mature and wise.”
I almost laughed. “What? Lor, you’re the wise, mature one.”
“In my own way, I guess. But not like you. Mine came from learning. Yours was innate.”
I shrugged, not sure where she was going with this.
“Remember how we were always worried about Kal—me, you, and Brody?” she asked, and I reluctantly nodded. “His heart that he’d closed off, and his unwillingness to step outside the narrow lines that he’d drawn for himself…” Lor’s expression clouded. “But part of that is Kal’s nature. He’s quiet and introverted, and it takes him a while to warm up to people.”
“I can be an introvert,” I said. “Depends on the day.”
Lor ignored that. “I get that it’s a self-defense mechanism more than anything, but Xander, you’ve retreated so far inward, it’s like you’re vanishing before our eyes.” Her own shone, and a sharp stab went through my chest. “Sometimes it feels like I lost a husband and a brother.”
The stab that went through my chest this time almost knocked me back. “Lor,” I said, and a wave of guilt went through me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t—”
“No,” she said and brandished a finger at me. “Listen.” She took a deep breath and said slowly, “I never wanted to say anything because I didn’t want to make you feel bad. You were trying to protect me, trying to fix everything and make it right. You were taking care of me. But over the last year or so, Xander, you have all but given your soul to Winfyre. You never took a day off, you smiled less, and I thought I was going to lose you until Tiani came.”
“What?”
“Tiani brought you back. I saw the old you. It was brief at first, like flashes. But even that first night, you were acting so odd, and yet it warmed my heart. Because you were uncertain and flustered and curious. Over time, you started to relax and open up again. She was the catalyst.”
“Yeah, for destruction,” I said, my voice harsh. “Lor, that’s enough—”
“No. As much chaos as she wrought on you, Tiani brought you peace, too. She made you furious, she made you laugh, and she reminded you to want. To be human and not this perfect warrior specimen to protect Winfyre—not to vanish into a symbol or a protector.”
I had nothing to say to that.
“You’re a warrior, but you’re a man, too.”
Heat rose in my face. “Enough.”
“Tiani was the first person outside of the family and pack that you let yourself rely on in a long time. She made you think you didn’t have to control and protect everyone. You didn’t have to handle every little detail. You could help them help themselves.”
“How do you know that?”
“You let her work with you—hell, Xander, you let her live with you. You didn’t send her away. You listened, you talked, and you began to think of her as a friend.” My sister waved a hand. “Besides, I know you—you were attracted to her from day one.”
“None of that matters.” Jaw grinding, I tried not to glare at Lor. “I was wrong about her.”
Lor nodded at my jacket. “Were you?”
I pulled out the letter, crumpled and worn, the edges fraying. But I didn’t open it.
“I’ll meet you in a little while at the border, okay?” Lor said. Stepping forward, she rose up on her tiptoes and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Read it.”
Lor vanished, and I was alone, with nothing but the sigh of the wind and the drab stretch of gray sky overhead. My fingers slid the paper back and forth. It was folded in half and densely covered with writing on the inside. Something in me lurched at the familiar slant of Tiani’s scribble.
Something else wanted to set this piece of paper on fire.
Swallowing, I instead opened it, noting wryly that it looked like it had been read several times already. It took me a few moments to steel myself. Was she going to gloat about how she had tricked me? Or try to convince me that she hadn’t stabbed me in the back?
Or worse, give me hope? Hope that there was a valid explanation?
Hope for us?
Xander,
Don’t forgive me for what I’ve done or what I’m about to tell you. Hate me, I beg you. If I can draw one comfort from this action, it's that you'll see that I was the monster all along.
Years ago, I made a deal with the devil to save Iris’s life. Orion came to me and set out terms that would ensure her safety. It’s too long to go into here, but suffice it to say, he wanted me positioned in the Greyclaw, although he never asked me for information or anything about them. Not really.
At the time, I fooled myself into thinking it was selfless and strong-willed on my part. But I took Iris’s choice away. I never told her. I think it was more ego, overprotectiveness. We're alike in that, although you are a hell of a lot better at catching yourself and a lot more entitled to that arrogance.
I don’t regret trying to keep Iris safe, but I do regret the choices I made after. Small, stupid, and selfish ones that chipped away at who I was. I didn’t remember, didn’t want to remember.
Not until I met you.
I thought I hadn’t let my burdens get to me or change me.
I had. I’d lost myself somewhere.
I write you this letter, not as a way to exonerate myself, but to beg that you don't make the same mistakes. Xander, you do more than enough for Winfyre. Don't let this place consume your soul. It needs you—the people, the Alphas, and the land.
You are irreplaceable.
Winfyre was the first place that ever felt like home. The moment I stepped over the borders, I never wanted to leave. I thought it was geography, but it's you. If I could've stayed…but no. I can't think of that. I may think of you because I'm impossible and selfish. I should have left two weeks ago when Lind threatened me, but I didn’t want to. These last two weeks were some of the best of my life.
Ugh, what I wouldn’t do for one of your hugs right now. You know I have every single embrace of ours memorized? I don’t mind sounding like a fool on paper or admitting this to you—I would have stayed. Forever. With you. I know you don’t think of me like that, and I was content to be your friend.
Hell, I was overjoyed to be your friend.
It’s more than likely I will never see you again. That should bring you some relief even if it breaks my heart. But I don’t deserve Winfyre Ridge. I don’t deserve you or Iris or the families…
Anyway, as worthless as this might be, I am so, so sorry.
I never wanted to hurt you. But Orion isn’t dead. He has someone you care about, too—an old friend, Lind said. It’s a fair trade. I should have known I never could have escaped them. In fact, I’m certain they let me go so that I’d come to Winfyre for some wicked purpose.
Please be on your guard, and stay safe. There are those quadrants in Veda that need to be looked at for weak spots in the patrols, and you still need to streamline the office workflow.
Don’t forget to get some sleep once in a while, too.
I’ll never forget you, Xander Bane, Dragon of Winfyre.
Tiani
p.s. Get yourself a girl, stud. You’re too amazing to waste away as a bachelor.
Emotion stirred and expanded against my chest. My hands shook as I read it again. And again. Tiani’s words cast all of our interactions in a different light. Rage at Lind and Orion surged through me. Dammit, I should have known that bastard wouldn’t stay down, I should have—
A faint sense, like a distant voice calling my name, went through me. I half-turned as though expecting to see someone waving to me from a far-off peak. The sense sharpened, and unease trickled down my spine.
Suddenly, the wind rose with a snarl that became a scream. What the hell—
Agony tore through me. A grinding, bone-deep pain that seared me from the inside out, and I wasn’t even conscious of falling until my knees hit the ground. My hands grabbed at my head, and I fought to keep my thoughts straight, to hold on, but it was too much…
Don’t let go.
“Tiani?” I forced myself upright and stared around. The wind was gone, and a strange sense of letting something slip away came over me. I held up my hand.
Like a hand had slid from my grasp.
“Tiani.” My hands hit the earth as a gut-punch of understanding came over me. “No.”
The pain was receding, and I grimaced, trying to shake it off. Because as much as that pain ripping through me had been pure torment, it was only an echo. As much as it had hurt, it wasn’t me; it was my mate.
It was Tiani.
My last thought before I blacked out was, How could I have not known?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Xander
I thought I could hear the roar and hiss of a distant river, echoing up to where I lay on the stone. Laughter and footsteps, along with a familiar, gruesome, and sibilant voice, patiently biding its time.
We must wait and see if she wakes.
Rage burst through me, and I tried to wake up, but, try as I might, I was trapped, paralyzed. Mist moved over my skin and entered my nose. It was so damn cold, and it was like iron chains were cementing me to the ground.
A flutter, like a butterfly tossed in the wind, rose and fell in my chest.
You lose, Bane, the voice said in my ear. I’ll make sure you lose everything.
Like hell, you will. My eyes snapped open.
“Xander!” Lor was there, and relief crossed her face. “Oh, he’s awake. No, don’t sit up.”
“No, it…” I had a scrambled sense of time and space, feeling as though I’d been flung across the universe and back. My body pulsed with pain, and I convulsed a little. “Augh, dammit.”
“Don’t move, idiot,” Tristan’s voice said hoarsely, and he appeared over Beylore. “Breathe.”
Something heavy pressed against my right shoulder and prevented me from moving. “I’ve got him.” Kal was on my other side, grim-faced, yet pale and looking oddly young. “What the hell happened? What was that? Why did you pass out? Is it the wards—what?”
“It’s…” I didn’t have the breath in my body as my brain slowly parsed through what had happened. Cold fear gripped my throat, and I had to close my eyes. I tried to reach out, to fumble across the miles and find her, but everything was numb inside from that blow. “No, please…”
“What is it?” Tristan asked.
“It’s Tiani,” Lor said in a soft, harsh voice.
“How? What?” Kal asked.
I looked up and saw that my sister was holding the letter. Her eyes were on mine, wide and terrified, filled with horror and commiseration. No reproach or anger. Even though I deserved the latter. Her black skin had gone ashen, her normally pink cheeks washed of color.
