Gift Wrapped in Tentacles, page 2
It was only three days before I finished work for the Christmas holidays. I’d managed to book the Christmas week off through a combination of my brilliant track record of working hard and being efficient, and explaining to my line manager that I had to have the week off to visit my family because Declan had been in a life-altering accident and I hadn’t seen him since he came out of hospital and I don’t know if she sympathised with me or just wanted me to stop crying and getting snot all over her office. Either way, she signed me off for the week.
Living in the city had been okay when Declan had been here with me and I knew that loads of people liked the bustle and the endless parade of things to do but I wasn’t a fan. Today especially, every delay seemed specially designed to annoy me. I wanted to ring Declan but knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to him properly while I was on the tube and walking through the crowded streets.
I had to wait until I got home.
As I left the office, a voice behind me shouted, “Hey, Sonny, wait up.”
I turned to find Greg, one of my colleagues, running after me.
“Hey, did I forget something?” I asked.
He was panting, his breath misting in the chill air. “No, you didn’t. You just left before I could ask if you wanted to come out tonight. A bunch of us are going over to the Red Lion. Want to join us?”
“Nah, sorry. I have to get home.”
“Just for one pint?” he wheedled.
“Sorry, maybe next time.”
Before I could turn away, Greg put his hand on my arm. “Hey, you’ve not been out with us for ages. One drink won’t hurt, will it?”
That made me feel bad. I’d been out with them a couple of weeks ago, though.
Greg stepped closer and I got an uncomfortable feeling in my belly. I couldn’t step back because we were right by the door of the office and people were hustling past us.
“Come out with us, Sonny.”
“I can’t. I have to get home. In the new year, though!”
With that, I broke out of Greg’s hold and slipped into the stream of pedestrians.
Squeezing my way through the crowds, I shivered and huddled deeper into my coat. I’d forgotten my scarf and my teeth were chattering by the time I got home. My tiny flat looked incredibly bare and depressing, but that was because I hadn’t bothered to put up any Christmas decorations. Why bother when I was going to spend Christmas with Declan?
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled his number. As soon as he answered, I asked, “So? How does it feel?”
Was it me or did Declan not answer me immediately? It was hard to tell, since I was fighting with my shoes at the same time, trying to prise them off my nearly-numb feet.
“It feels strange.”
“Of course it feels strange, that’s normal. But it doesn’t hurt?”
Declan had been working with his physio Erik for three months and Erik had persuaded him to try walking on his prosthetic without his crutches, now he was building up his muscle strength again. I wanted to know how it went. I wanted Declan to feel confident again.
“No, it doesn’t hurt.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah.”
“You’re tired,” I said. “Did I call too soon?”
“No, you didn’t. I was just napping because apparently doing almost nothing takes up all my energy now.”
I could hear the frustration in Declan’s voice and my heart went out to him. Before I could dig into that, though, he suddenly said, “You got home early. You must have run out of the office.”
“I did! Greg had to chase me into the street to invite me out.”
“Oh? Are you going out again then?”
“Nah, I’m going to talk to you, silly. I need someone to keep me company while I cook dinner.”
“You didn’t want to hit the pub with the rest of the office?”
I changed my phone from one hand to the other so I could fight my way out of my coat one sleeve at a time. “No, why would I want to do that when I can be here with you? I’m so excited about getting to visit. We haven’t been to your parents for Christmas in years. Does your mum have the tree up yet?”
He gave a snort. “Went up on the first of December.”
I laughed. “At least your house will be full of festive cheer. I’m going to soak up all those good Christmass-y feelings.”
I’d thought we were talking about Christmas trees, which is why I didn’t follow the sudden conversation u-turn when Declan asked, “Are you sure you didn’t want to go out with Greg?”
“Dude, if I wanted to go out with Greg, I’d have gone out with Greg. I wanted to come home and talk to you!”
Something in my chest tightened as I said it. I’d always been very clear to Declan about how much I cared about him. And then, when he’d been in hospital, laying in that bed with those white sheets pulled up over him and those bright lights turning his skin a sickly grey, I’d blurted it out again.
Only, I’d blurted it out in a way he couldn’t mis-understand. The words, “I love you, Declan,” were hard to mis-understand, right?
I wasn’t sure whether I was glad or disappointed that he hadn’t heard me. Or he’d been so out-of-it that he hadn’t understood.
And it had never been the right time to say those words again.
The problem was, I wanted to say them. With every fibre of my being, I wanted to wrap my arms around Declan’s neck and hold him tightly to me and whisper in his ear over and over again how much I loved him.
Why hadn’t I? Well, because it was unfair to do it while he was recovering. He’d been in hospital. Then he’d gone to his parents’ house to recover. And I hadn’t seen him since.
It was like having part of me cut away, and I knew that was a terrible metaphor under the circumstances, when Declan really had lost part of his limb and it was difficult and he was struggling and I hated that for him but also… having him gone from my life had made me feel like I was missing some vital part of myself that I couldn’t name.
I realised neither of us had spoken for a while and I cleared my throat. “I can go out with the office any time I like.”
“You know Greg wants to go out with you, right?”
“I know. I literally just told you that. But I didn’t want to, I can see everyone in the new year.”
Declan snorted. “No, Sonny, I mean he wants to go out with you. Like, be your boyfriend.”
I made some gagging noises down the phone and spluttered, “What, Greg? Ew, no thank you,” until Declan gave a reluctant chuckle.
To be honest, Greg was fine. He wasn’t a terrible person or anything, he just wasn’t my type. I was not interested in the slightest. And I needed to make that clear to Declan so that when I told him that I loved him, he’d believe me.
My heart started beating faster, afraid. But I really did need to tell him. Because I couldn’t let him slip through my fingers again, not after he’d almost slipped out of our lives completely.
Would he love me back?
“Alright, alright,” he said at last. “Greg is not the one for you.”
“Nope, he isn’t. Anyway, do I get to open a present when I get there on Saturday?”
“Why would you get to do that?”
“Because!” I cried.
I actually didn’t have a reason. Because it was Christmas? Kind of.
Declan chuckled again. “I’ll ask Mum. She’s in charge of Christmas this year.”
Something about that sounded weird. There was a tone in Declan’s voice that was… slightly off.
“Does it feel strange?”
“What? My leg?”
“No, being back at your parents’ house for Christmas? We normally spend it together.”
“I guess so.”
Declan wasn’t the best at articulating his emotions. One of the many reasons I’d chickened out of ever telling him I loved him before. I wasn’t quite sure whether he loved me back, not in the way I wanted him to. I knew he loved me as a friend, but maybe our closeness was different for him, more brotherly than lovers.
Anyway, he wasn’t going to tell me how he felt about being in his parents’ house again so I’d have to work it out for myself.
I asked questions and, as I did, I started cooking myself some pasta because I was starving.
“Hey, if we’re going to be like kids again, staying with your parents for Christmas, we should do our kid stuff again!”
“Like what?”
“Like go to the market and get hot chocolate and mince pies.”
“Do you ever think of anything but your stomach?”
“No,” I said, just as I shovelled the first mouthful of pasta into my mouth.
“Fine, we’ll go to the market,” said Declan. He tried to make it sound like a chore but I could hear the smile in his voice.
“It’ll be fun,” I assured him. “Hey, we could go to the lake, too.”
This time, there was no reply.
“Declan? Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I guess we can go to the lake. You’ll have to skate without me.”
“Oh. Of course. I don’t need to skate, though. We can take a walk around and watch everyone and soak up the atmosphere.”
“No, I want you to skate, Sonny. You love skating.”
“Not without you, I don’t. I just want to visit and walk around, honestly Declan.”
His reply of, “Yeah, sure,” didn’t tell me much either way. All I knew was that I’d upset him and I didn’t know how to fix it. He said, “You know, you don’t have to spend Christmas in the middle of nowhere. You can visit for a couple of days and then head back to the city.”
“I’m staying. You invited me and I’m claiming squatters’ rights. Besides, I’ve already written to Santa to tell him where I’ll be on Christmas Eve and I don’t want him to leave my presents in the wrong house.”
It was music to my ears when Declan gave a weak chuckle again.
Chapter 3
Declan
The moment I walked into Erik’s treatment room, he said, “You look tense.”
“I’m fine,” I said automatically.
That had become my refrain and, if I said it often enough, maybe it would be true.
He raised a sassy eyebrow at me.
“Your shoulders are set higher than usual and your gait is stilted because you’re holding yourself stiffly. Your mouth can tell me you’re fine but your body is saying something different.”
I sighed. “You’re the worst person to try and lie to.”
He came towards me and helped me to ease out of my outer layer of clothes. His touches were gentle, almost as though he were stroking my skin, but not quite. I always felt as though I could feel the ghost of his touch all over my body, like he had a dozen hands touching me at once, even though that was ridiculous.
“Why don’t you tell me the truth, instead?” he asked gently. His voice was as soft as his touch.
“I—” I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know why I’m tense.”
Erik smiled. “That’s good.”
“It’s good that I’m tense for no reason?”
He led me over to the treatment table and got me settled on it as usual.
“No, it’s good that you acknowledge that you’re tense. And you didn’t say it was for no reason, you said you didn’t know what the reason was. We have a whole hour to try and work through that.”
I kind of regretted admitting anything at that point, but I’d learned that Erik had an inevitability about him that caught me up in a current and swept me along, safe and strong. His hands worked my muscles and he encouraged me to move my body under his direction, holding me and correcting my posture when he needed to.
We had been going for ten minutes before he asked the first question, and it wasn’t the one I expected.
“When does Sonny get here?”
“Saturday morning. He’ll drive over early to miss the traffic.”
“What are your plans for the weekend?”
“He wants— We’re going to the lake to skate. And, yes, I know I can’t skate but Sonny can and he loves it. We used to go there as kids and spend hours on the ice. We haven’t been in years, though.”
“What are you going to do while Sonny skates?”
“I guess I’ll find somewhere to sit and watch him.”
“You won’t get bored?”
I prickled with annoyance at the implication. “No, I won’t.”
“It’s just it sounds like Sonny wants to go skating and you have to do nothing.”
“I won’t be doing nothing, I’ll be watching Sonny skate.”
We stayed silent for a while after that and I stewed on the feeling that was simmering inside me, although I didn’t know why. It sounded as though Erik thought Sonny were being selfish and I hated that he thought that. He had no right to criticise Sonny, who was generous to a fault.
“Sonny said we didn’t have to skate. I offered to sit there while he had a go.”
“Oh,” said Erik, and it was not the apology for doubting Sonny’s goodness that I wanted.
That’s what made me carry on, trying to make Erik understand.
“He said he wanted to go for a walk, actually. It’s always beautiful around there and there’s some lovely paths that loop around the lake. Do you know it?”
“I live round there. My cottage is right on the east side of the lake, beyond the trees.”
I knew where he meant. It was almost as though there were two lakes, connected by a strip of water, and the second lake was smaller, surrounded by trees and grasses and it always looked swampy and inaccessible all year. Even in the winter, when the lake froze, it was never a good place to skate because the surface was so irregular, dipped and rutted with weeds. Nobody ever went there. The paths lopped right round the trees and was much prettier.
“It’s nice there,” I said.
“Yes, it is. It’s very picturesque.”
“Hey, maybe you could show Sonny around,” I said, suddenly realising that it would work out perfectly. “You could both walk all the way around the lake and still go skating.”
Erik didn’t answer and the silence stretched out so long that I grew uncomfortable. I had to think back over what I’d said.
“Oh, I didn’t mean to tell you what to do. It was just an idea. I thought you both might enjoy it.”
“Don’t you want to walk around the lake a bit?”
“I—”
And that, right there, was why I’d been so tense all morning. Because Sonny wanted to walk round the lake and I was fucking terrified. It had been snowing for a week, and the temperature had dropped to fucking freezing, and that was why the lake had frozen enough to skate on. It was also why I’d had my dad drop me off for this appointment right outside the door to the building, less than three metres from the front door. The entrance was gritted so there was no ice or snow, but the rest of the world around us? Covered in slippery, crunchy, uneven snow that made me break out in a cold sweat at the thought of stepping on it.
Erik had waited for me to answer, and he was looking at me in that way he had, full of kindness and understanding. He wasn’t rushing me, wasn’t impatient. He was giving me time to reply.
“Never mind,” I said.
The soft touch of his fingers across my forearm made my hair stand on end, prickling up with goosebumps.
“Tell me,” he said softly.
I couldn’t tell him my fears about being alone with Sonny, of him seeing me weak and unstable and losing respect for me. Of him spending more and more time without me in the city, of us growing apart and him calling me less and less…
Somehow, though, I managed to croak out the question, “Do you think I’d be able to walk around the lake?”
“I don’t see why not.”
“I mean now. Even though it’s been snowing.”
Erik considered. “The paths from the car park are salted so they will be safe to walk on. If you’re talking about the paths that wind around the whole lake, I’d be more cautious. Some of them will be clear but not all of them and, the further from the skating part of the lake you are, the less likely they will be clear. You’d have to be careful to place your foot down so that it doesn’t slip from under you, but anyone walking on snow needs to do the same.”
“Maybe,” I said.
I wasn’t sure. Somehow, since getting out of hospital, my ability to judge my own strength was way off. Some days I’d feel really fit – other than the leg, obviously – and other days I felt like I could be knocked over by a kitten.
It left me feeling unsure.
I didn’t want to get outside and then discover that walking on the snow was harder than I’d anticipated. It would ruin Sonny’s fun if I fell or if I had to turn back and not go with him after all.
And I really wanted to go outside with him.
“Sit down,” said Erik. “You can get dressed and we’ll work out a way you’ll feel confident going outside on your date.”
“It’s not a date!”
“No? Sonny wants to take a romantic walk around one of the most beautiful places in the countryside and you don’t think that’s a date?”
“He never said it would be romantic.”
Erik quirked an eyebrow at me. “Are you telling me it wouldn’t be?”
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Because I wanted to go for a romantic walk with Sonny. Love of my life. Only… I couldn’t. Not now.
Erik tried to interpret my silence. “Maybe you’re not interested in him that way.”
“It doesn’t matter now.”
“Why not?”
I reached down for my shoe and jammed my right foot into it. I had to hide my face as I admitted, “Because he deserves someone else.”
Erik stood still, the sudden silence in the room around us seeming oppressive, like water closing in on us. When I could no longer pretend I was fussing with my laces, I had to sit up and look Erik in the eyes. He met my gaze, steady and calm and filled with compassion.
“Who does Sonny deserve?”
