Make a Wish, page 28
“I think the difference is that we’ve had each other to rely on all this time, and that’s made it a lot easier for us to process our own loss.” Avery motions between us. “But he’s had his controlling mother-in-law, who probably helped fuel his guilt train and his memory of Marcie for many years, whether intentionally or not.”
“It sure seems like it. What am I going to do?”
“Well, you have two options. You can give him a few days to cool off and hopefully come to his senses, or you can go back over there and try and force him to see that you’re right. I think the first option is probably the best, even if it’s the hardest. The second is likely to backfire, and you also wouldn’t be sticking to your guns and then this has the potential to happen again, but with significantly worse fallout. And as a woman who has dealt with really bad fallout after a relationship crisis, I can say that I would not want to invite option two if at all possible.”
“His default move is to bury his head in the sand until he’s at risk of suffocating. I can’t keep running on this hamster wheel.”
“You’re right, you can’t. And this isn’t on you to make things better, Harley. He has to realize he has work to do if he wants you two to succeed as a couple. I think if you can stand your ground, then he’ll have to look critically at how he’s responding and hopefully see that his reaction did not in any way match the circumstances.”
“I wonder if Karen feels a level of guilt for welcoming someone new into their lives who isn’t their daughter, just like Gavin feels guilty for what happened to Marcie. Neither of them have had to contend with that before now. It’s complicated, and not entirely logical, but emotions rarely are.” I let my head fall back. “There are so many more layers to this than I realized.”
Avery’s expression is sympathetic. “There are. But that doesn’t mean it’s not fixable. You’re a tender soul, and he’s been battling with his own feelings. I don’t think it’s as simple as the accident setting him off, or the influence of his mother-in-law. I think it’s everything piled on top of each other, and it was too much for him. Especially with the way he reacted to Peyton getting hurt, and him being fixated on it potentially having been worse. When was the last time he was at a hospital? If it was when his wife died, then would his reaction be more understandable?”
I nod slowly. “Yes, it would make a lot more sense. And Peyton’s birthday is soon, which means the anniversary of her death is coming up. Maybe I need to call him.” I reach for my phone, but Avery stops me.
“Just because you realize what’s going on doesn’t mean he does. Give him some time to think. It might take more than a few days for him to get his feelings sorted out, especially since it seems like he’s been keeping them buried for a long time.”
“How long do you think it will take? A week? More? Less? Do you think it will be months like it was for you and Declan?” I can’t imagine hanging in limbo for that long. Although for Avery and Declan, there was ten years of love and friendship as the foundation. They had lots to build on. Gavin and I have a challenging history fraught with loss and guilt. And maybe that’s part of the reason why I’ve been so accommodating. Maybe it isn’t just Gavin who needs to do the work; maybe it’s me too.
Avery gives my hand a sympathetic squeeze. “It’s hard to say. You’re the first person he’s really let in since Marcie died, and the last time the two of you got close, he ended up moving away. That’s a pattern he needs to see on his own. Give him some breathing room. Message in a few days to see how he’s doing. If he’s receptive, ask if he wants to talk. Then leave the ball in his court.”
“Okay. What about Peyton?”
“She’s got lots of love in her life. She’ll be okay.”
I know she’s right, but the question is, will I?
* * *
The next few days suck. A lot. But while my personal life seems to be imploding, the Spark House franchise is taking off. So I don’t have a whole lot of time to wallow in self-pity during my nine-to-five. I save that for when I climb into my bed, struggling to sleep, and wondering if we’ll be able to get past this or not.
“I’m sorry I can’t be at the grand opening this weekend,” Gran says on our biweekly call. Gran’s lips are pulled down in a frown which contradicts her sunny-yellow dress and her equally sunny hat covered in a pink flower print.
“It’s okay, Gran. We know it’s a long trip, and you’ll be back soon enough. Besides, these kinds of things are so busy, we wouldn’t have time to really visit. It’s better for you to wait until the baby is born.” Gran is planning a trip around when Avery has the baby, and we decided that was more important.
“I know, but I still would have liked to have been there for this. You girls have worked so hard to get Spark House where it is. Now, tell me how things are going with you and Gavin. I know you were worried about his mother-in-law the last time we talked. Has that gotten any better?”
I purse my lips and tip my chin up, trying to keep my emotions in check.
“Uh-oh. What happened, honey?”
“I broke it off, but not because I wanted to.” I fill her in on all the details, from the weekend getaway that started out okay but quickly went downhill, to Peyton’s fall and Gavin’s overreaction, and me not being able to handle being second to a ghost. “Did I do the right thing?”
She nods slowly, her smile sad. “I think you already know the answer to that. But if it helps, I can confirm what you already know.”
“It really hurts, Gran. I don’t know what to do or how to make this better.”
“That’s the hardest part, isn’t it? Knowing that you can’t make it better, no matter how much you want to. I felt that way after we lost your mom and dad. And then again after I lost your granddad. My heart was so broken. When I met Luciano, I tried so hard not to like him, and falling in love with him was bittersweet. I’d spent years loving your grandad. It was hard to give myself permission to love again. I wonder if it’s the same for Gavin.”
“What do I do? What can I do?” This is what I need: direction, guidance, a hand to hold, and Gran’s wisdom.
“Be strong, be patient, be empathetic, but don’t allow him to keep stepping on your feelings in a bid to protect his. All you can do is hope that he’s going to be able to let go of the past so he can live in the present. He needs time to sort that out. And you need time to get over the hurt of it all.”
“It’s not just Gavin I miss, it’s Peyton too,” I admit.
“Mmm.” She adjusts the brim of her hat, her smile soft and knowing. “She’s a special little girl, and you have so much in common. I have a feeling she’ll be a great ally for you in the coming days.”
“I hope you’re right about that.”
“Neither of you were in a place to be each other’s person back when you were Peyton’s nanny. Things certainly are different now. I think he’s too smart to waste this second chance.” Gran was the only one who knew why I struggled after they moved and how responsible I felt.
I ask the question I’m afraid of. “What if they’re not different? What if our history won’t let us create a future together?”
“You are wise beyond your years, Harley. And the two of you have shared a bond for a long time. I’m a firm believer in fate and destiny. If your grandfather hadn’t delivered those flowers all those years ago, I would have ended up with the wrong man, and if I hadn’t gone on a trip to Europe with my girlfriends, I wouldn’t have met Luciano. Gavin came back into your life exactly when he was supposed to. He needs to come to that realization on his own. And he will. Have faith in the power of true love, my dear. It conquers all.”
* * *
It’s ironic that I’m thankful for the distraction of the first Spark House franchise opening. We were smart enough not to have any events scheduled around the grand opening weekend, so we weren’t managing an event at the same time. Two days after the blowout with Gavin, we’re scheduled to fly out to California. Before I get on the plane I message to see how he and Peyton are doing.
Gavin: We’re managing.
That’s the response I get.
I realize I’m the one who broke things off, so in a way it’s up to me to try to keep the lines of communication open, especially with what I know of Gavin’s challenging past.
Harley: I’m in California for the next few days for the Spark House franchise grand opening, but if you want to talk when I get back, I’m here.
He replies with:
Gavin: That sounds like a hope carrot being dangled. Good luck. I’m sure it will be amazing. Peyton misses you and so do I.
Harley: I miss you both too.
I don’t know if this means we’ll be able to get past all of this or not, but at least it seems as if he’s willing to talk things through.
We fly out to California that afternoon so we can be part of the grand opening ceremony. It’s an incredible event and despite my struggle with all the change, I can appreciate what this is going to do for Spark House. On the flip side, I find myself missing Gavin more than I thought possible. I don’t know how we’re going to get past this, unless he’s willing to open up to me about Marcie and his loss. But all I can do is hope that when I get home, we’ll be able to figure things out.
It’s especially difficult when I’m surrounded by my sisters and their significant others. It’s not that I don’t want either of them to be happy and in love. It’s knowing that for a while it felt like I had that, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get it back.
So while the grand opening is an amazing distraction from my mess of a life, it also shines a bright, unwelcome light on what I stand to lose. And that breaks my heart.
On Sunday morning we fly back to Colorado Springs. One of the perks of London being married to a seriously rich man whose net worth is close to a billion dollars is that he has his own private jet, which means no waiting at the airport or standing in lines. We just board the plane and head home.
It’s a small plane, and the nicest one I’ve ever been on, with tables set up between the seats that face each other and recline fully to lie-flat beds. Once we’re in the air, the flight attendant brings out drinks. Since London has recently stopped breastfeeding, she joins me in a glass of champagne.
We clink our glasses. “Cheers to a successful grand opening of our first franchise!” London says. “I think Mom and Dad would be really proud of how far we’ve come with Spark House.”
“It’s amazing that the whole reason behind it was to keep our family close together, and that’s exactly what it’s done for us,” I agree.
“I don’t think they ever would have dreamed this would be possible. I know I didn’t think we’d be here.” Avery motions to the plane and then clinks her orange juice and soda water against our glasses. She waves her hand around in the air as her eyes turn glassy. “Oh my gosh. What is wrong with me?”
“You’re pregnant and your emotions are leaking out of your eyes, babe.” Declan passes her a tissue.
“I never cry.” She dabs at her eyes and gives the damp tissue an annoyed look.
“You rarely cry, but this is a big deal. You’re allowed to be emotional about it,” Declan reassures her.
“It really is amazing how far you’ve come in the past few years,” Jackson says and winks at London.
“It wouldn’t have been possible without you.” London kisses his cheek.
He takes her chin between his finger and thumb and brushes his lips over hers before she leans back in her chair.
I turn away, blinking back my own tears, but it’s not because of the event. It’s seeing both of my sisters with their partners and not knowing what’s going to happen with Gavin. I’ve reached out and left the ball in his court.
Avery reaches over and squeezes my hand, whispering, “It’s going to be okay.”
“I want you to be right, but I don’t know.” I squeeze back and slip my hand out from under hers. “I guess we’ll see when we’re back home.”
London gives me a concerned look. “Have you heard from Gavin at all?”
I shake my head. “I messaged him before we left, but I haven’t heard from him since then. I’m trying to give him space. I just don’t know how much is enough or too much. And honestly, I meant it when I said I can’t be in a relationship where I’m second to a ghost. It’s not fair to me. Or him. Or Peyton. I’ve got enough on my plate, especially with my final paper due next week. I can’t handle all of these ups and downs.”
“Do you want to take some time off so you can focus on that?” Avery asks.
“Honestly? It’s not time off that I need. The social media stuff only takes up a fraction of the time it used to. Mostly I’m signing off on things and adding extra content to personalize our feeds, and that’s the part I really enjoy. Bringing on a social media liaison and a whole team of people who create content for us has changed the scope of my job.” I tap on my armrest and look around at my sisters and their husbands. If ever there was a time to lay it out on the table, it’s now. “Can I be totally honest with all of you?”
“Yeah, of course.” My sisters nod in tandem.
“I understand why we’re growing Spark House. Both of you have families and kids and this all makes sense, and you’re both doing an amazing job.”
“So are you,” Avery says quickly.
I give her a soft smile. “I’ve tried to find ways to adapt with all the changes, but I can’t pretend it’s been easy. And I know it’s been a lot of change for all of us, but you and London are good at finding ways to keep doing the things you love, and it hasn’t been the same for me.”
“Do you want more control over the social media stuff? London and I didn’t want to overwhelm you since you’ve been taking classes on top of everything else.”
“I appreciate that, but that’s not what I mean.” I bite the inside of my lip. “When I came on and took over the social media stuff, it was because I wanted to work with both of you, and I needed a break from the nanny gig. Gavin and Peyton moving away was hard on me emotionally. I’d gotten a lot more attached than I’d meant to and my heart needed time to recover.” And I didn’t trust myself not to get attached like that again. It rocked my confidence and made me question my judgment. How ironic that I’m in the same position I was back then, with the same man. “So I sort of stepped into that role. Don’t get me wrong, I love the creative side of things, and taking photos and highlighting our sponsors is definitely something I enjoy. But my role hasn’t been defined the same way yours have. When we started hosting those birthday parties, I felt like I was finally finding my groove at Spark House.”
“And then we took them away from you,” Avery says softly.
“Which I understood. They weren’t good for our bottom line.”
“But you loved hosting them,” London adds.
“It made me happy. For the first time since I started working for Spark House, I felt like I’d found my purpose.”
“I didn’t even think about the fact that we were canning your baby.” Declan rubs the back of his neck. “And not giving you anything in its place.”
“It didn’t make financial sense and that’s what you were looking at. Which, again, I understood. And then there was the franchise. I could see from your perspective why it would be a good thing for Spark House, and for your families, but it reinforced the fact that I don’t have a set role. I wasn’t on board with the franchise because I was afraid of what it would change.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Avery and London exchange a glance.
“Because it’s majority rules, and you and London were excited about it. Why create tension when I wasn’t going to win the argument?”
“But you could have told us how you felt,” London says softly.
“I know. And maybe I should have. But I didn’t want to be the reason that we didn’t move forward, and it didn’t seem like the hill I wanted to die on. And now that we’re here, I think I was right not to put up a fight. In the long run, this is going to be great for us.”
“A lot has changed over the past six months,” Declan offers. “Now that we’ve jumped through all the franchise hurdles, we can revisit the birthday parties.”
“I appreciate that, Declan.” I give him a small smile and turn to my sisters. “When I brought up the idea of in-house daycare before, you two shut me down before we could even discuss it. And I get that maybe the timing hadn’t been exactly right, but I felt like I didn’t have a voice.
“You’re both going to be parents. We have more staff than ever before. Wouldn’t it make sense to have something on-site, even if it’s a trial basis for weddings, or if we think that’s not the best place to start, then we could look at options just for staff? I recognize that it’s going to be a lot of work, but I’ve already come up with a plan and a program, and I’m willing to take that on.” Avery opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up my hand, feeling like I need to sell them on this. “Think about the logistics of it. If we started with a part-time program, you could bring your kids to work, even if it’s only for a few hours to start. I want to find a way to fit into Spark House, but I also want to do something I love, and that’s working with kids again. I want to finish this degree and put it to use, and if I can’t find a way to do that at Spark House, then I need to find a place where I can, because it’s where my heart is.”
“We don’t want you to leave, Harley.” London drops the star she’s been folding.
“I don’t want to either, but you and Avery have your thing at Spark House. I need something that’s mine. Something that I can nurture and grow, and I think we’re in a good position to make that happen now.” I bite the inside of my cheek, waiting for someone to throw up another roadblock.
