Goodbye, Hello, page 3
She had a drink of her water and her eyes burned a little after crying. She changed the station, hoping this one wouldn’t bring her any surprises like that one had. Kelly drove on, listening to modern alternative rock, something she was fairly certain her father wouldn’t have listened to. Or at least, it wasn’t something she had ever heard him talk about. There was a drive to make and she needed to be focused more on the road and less on her pain.
Chapter Four
Driving into the old neighborhood brought back memories. She remembered her dad teaching her to drive on this street. She also remembered sliding in the snow and almost hitting someone’s car when she wasn’t driving carefully the winter of her senior year. Her dad had actually laughed at her for that, once he was sure both Kelly and the car were okay. It was also where she had walked in the dark, trying to decide if joining the army was the right decision for her. She had asked a lot of questions of herself walking this street and come to some answers. Not all the answers, as there seemed to always be questions that she needed to discover.
Realizing she was trans was one of those questions. Being shot at and rushing to patch up people had made her face a lot of questions, including questions about herself. Realizing she was a she, wasn’t easy. Because she started on that path, she had been transferred from her unit within an infantry battalion to the medical unit for the headquarters, where her job was less about patching up soldiers on the line and more about seeing and screening patients. She hadn’t been completely upset, since she had still found her work fulfilling. She received training in several different medical areas, which helped make her sure that the medical path was what she wanted to stay with.
She had answered that question and made the choice to follow her answer to wherever it led, and now she felt like she was in a whole different world. Things made more sense than before, and she felt more fulfilled by things. Sure, she cried more often, but that almost felt like an improvement to how she had been before. Feeling anything was better than the damping down of emotions she had lived with before transition. It felt like she was living a whole life now and not just a part of one.
Kelly smiled when she spotted the house. For all that the reason for coming home was sad, she was excited to be coming home as herself for the first time. Her mother had said she never understood, so Kelly had made the choice to be out and herself everywhere but around her family just to make it easier on them. Maybe that had been the wrong choice, given that her grandparents seemed okay with her as she was, but things had changed now and she hoped it would all go well. She parked her car and just stared at the house, trying to get her courage up to head in.
It was a two-story house with a big picture window behind which was the living room and a two-car garage on the other side. That space was mostly used for storage rather than cars at this point. There were the windows of the big room over the garage, and the ones for her parents’ room and the bathroom with their little deck and walkway to the big room. She looked at the front windows and then sighed at herself for sitting there thinking about the house. Kelly grabbed her things before heading to the front door. She tried to open the front door and failed, so she knocked on the door.
Her mom opened the door after a short wait and it was clear when her mother registered seeing her. Her mother’s eyes widened in surprise so Kelly just smiled and said, “Hi, Mom!”
There was a very brief pause where her mother was clearly thinking something, before she replied, “Come on in, Kelly. How was the drive?”
“Good. There was little traffic at this time of day which made it a pleasant trip.” She stepped into the house and looked around. It was just like it had been when she had last been here over Christmas, though the decorations were all gone.
“That’s good to hear. Take your stuff upstairs and then do whatever. I have to run an errand to pick up some notice cards to let people know what happened. You can help me with them tonight so we can get them out into the mail in the morning.”
“Sure, Mom. I’m not behind your car, so that should be fine.” Kelly turned to face the stair up to the second floor where the bedrooms were. Something occurred to her, and she turned back to her mother. “Were you waiting for me?”
Her mother was quiet for a moment, shifting slightly. “Yes. I was worried because there are some terrible drivers out there. That and I wasn’t sure you still had a key.”
“I made it just fine. The drive was easy. And thanks.” Kelly was fairly certain that her safety wasn’t the only reason she had stayed. She’d wanted to know what Kelly looked like, and clearly, she had surprised her mother with how normally she was dressed.
Her mother smiled and gathered up her purse. “I’ll be back in a few. Do you need anything?”
“No, Mom, I’m fine.”
Her mother bustled outside and closed the door behind her. Kelly just shook her head and headed upstairs with her luggage. Her mother had reacted better than Kelly had expected but was still a touch stiff in her conversation. Maybe things would be better when her mother got more used to seeing Kelly dressed in her regular clothes, college student casual. Maybe.
She entered her room and looked about at her decorative choices of the past. She didn’t mind the posters of sexy women athletes in attractive action poses, because she had never lost her desire for them. There were a few pictures of cars and stuff that she had used to want but had since outgrown. It was weird, like a window to a past she didn’t miss. Puberty had been hard and things had come up she just dismissed as her mind rambling until after her time being deployed. But then again, it wasn’t like puberty wasn’t tough for everyone, especially when seen from a distance. There were so many changes to your body and mind it was amazing that anyone got out of there in one piece.
She tossed her bag onto her twin bed and hung her dress up in the closet. Inside, in a nice dress bag were her old dress uniforms she had worn a few times back in the service. They had looked good on her, and she had her old male one as well as the female one she had gotten to wear after she had transitioned. So long as she stayed fit and able to do her job, the army had basically let her transition without too much fuss. Of course, there was the inevitable jumping through hoops and proving yourself, it was the army after all. But she’d been able to become herself while she was serving and that felt like a huge blessing to her. It had been hard work to keep her physical fitness up to standard as she had lost muscle mass, but she had managed it through lots of hard work.
Kelly pulled out one of her textbooks, wanting to get some reading in. She went downstairs, to be available if her mom needed anything when she returned from her errand. Her mother had said something about helping deal with notice cards to be sent out. That seemed odd with all the phone calls and the obituary would be coming out soon. However, she would help with that task if her mother needed her. Helping her mother was something she used to do when she was younger and continued into her teen years. She hadn’t done it much since returning from the army, because it had been uncomfortable lying about herself. However, that wasn’t an issue at the moment and she was glad to get back to familiar things. The lack of discomfort was refreshing.
She’d already covered a lot of her basic nursing classes from her previous training from the army, and was happy those credits had transferred. It made school a good bit easier since she could take more medical classes than some of her contemporaries and it made getting into the nursing program easier. The nursing program was competitive, and she had discovered that she was as well. The army version of that discovery had been going for Soldier of the Month, and other challenges like the Expert Medic Badge that she had pursued. She was much more motivated to excel after her transition than before and she liked it. It made her stand out.
She lost herself in reading and made note of important sections with a highlighter. She was aiming for being near or at the top of her graduating class because she wanted to look good for prospective employers and because she wanted to get into a nurse practitioner program. It helped that the program that she was in was a good one and well respected. The program had been the major reason she had chosen the school she had. That and the fact that the school was close to home, because she had missed her family despite the fact that the occasional visits had been hard for several reasons.
Her eyes teared a little as she remembered how proud her dad was of her going to college. She certainly wasn’t the first, as both Tim and Carrie had gotten into college while she had been in the army, but it meant that all three of them had made it. Since she had been unsure of her plans after getting her degree, she hadn’t taken advantage of the Green to Gold program that would have helped her move from enlisted to officer by letting her go to college and get her degree. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to tap into that program, but there was always ROTC and she could just sign up again if she felt compelled to get back into the army. It wasn’t her first plan of action, but as she had learned, plans changed. Better to have the option rather than not. Besides, it would give her a stable job while she waited the five years needed before she could even apply to a nurse practitioner program, and that was appealing. There were other factors as well that she kept at the back of her mind.
She headed into the kitchen for a drink. She was being pulled in several different directions and she just wanted to put her energy into only one thing. Degree first, nursing job second, the rest of her future third. She tried to remember that, but it was difficult when things happened to throw her carefully worked out plans into a whirl. Her father passing was one of those things. It felt like something important had been pulled from her and now there was just a gaping hole.
Tears began to fall. She missed her dad and lamented that she never dared to playfully call him daddy, like Carrie still did. It was an opportunity lost. She could almost picture the surprise on his face if she had been brave enough to do so. She missed his advice, since that would certainly have helped her figure out her future. She just missed the presence of him. She enjoyed just spending time with him and not necessarily doing anything. Watching movies and listening to him complain when the story got too implausible. Having a few beers as she had talked about her life and what she hoped it would become. Tears dropped onto her shirt and she sniffled. She missed him and wished that he was still here.
Thankfully, there was a box of Kleenex near at hand, which she made use of. There was no question in her mind about her mother grieving. Despite their issues, it had always been clear her parents loved each other. Kelly might not be pleased with her mother for several different reasons, but she was pleased to know that her parents had been happy together for a long time. Love could last, even though they occasionally fought, sometimes quite loudly. They both held opinions the other didn’t agree with and it came out at times. Her transition had been one of those bones of contention, and for that she was sorry.
She just sat there and cried about her daddy and how he had loved her for her and not for who she had been before she had become fully herself. She had gone from being a sad unmotivated boy to a driven and focused young woman, and a large part of that journey had been thanks to his advice and support. Of course she would miss him. How could she not, when he had been her rock.
Chapter Five
The sound of the front door closing startled Kelly from her musing. She blinked up at her mother, who had a few bags in her hands. “Need a hand?”
Her mother waved her down with her free hand. “I got it. You can help me get all the cards in the envelopes and then stamps on them. I called a lot of the most important people who are local to let them know what had happened to your father, but the cards should reach those who are on our Christmas card list but likely can’t make the ceremony because of where they live. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time on the phone calling everyone and this was the best compromise I could think of.”
“I guess that makes sense. But family will be here, right?” Kelly was asking to ensure she was ready to deal with the mix of people that were sure to come to the funeral.
“Yes. I got hold of your grandparents, and your aunt Kate. They will all be making it to the funeral, plus a lot of your dad’s friends from work. Then there are all the people from church who will be there. It’s going to be a busy day from what is planned. We have the visitation for a little over an hour, the ceremony at the funeral home, and then the graveside service. The church is going to put out a meal for us after the funeral and then it’s done.” Her mother looked tired just thinking about it.
“That does sound busy. Are you sure it won’t be too much?” Kelly was concerned about her mother but had no idea what to say. These sorts of things were simply exhausting and wore her down. She would try to help as much as she could to make it easier on her.
“I think the day should be fine. Besides, after the service I’m sure your grandparents will want to come over for a bit. I know you won’t have anyone there to talk with, except Tim and Carrie, maybe your aunt. So, I’m sorry about that.”
“That’ll be fine, Mom. The worst will be the visitation. Besides that, the meal should be fun, so we can be together as a family. I can talk to other people at some other time.” There was a great deal of false cheer in what she was saying, but she wouldn’t mind seeing her grandparents again.
“Even with Kate there?” Her mom’s tone was lightly teasing.
“Well, maybe not Kate.” Kate had been giving Kelly grief ever since she joined the army. She had some sort of bone to pick with the army or just the military in general and decided to use Kelly as the focus for venting. It was annoying. Kelly generally avoided her when at all possible because she had little interest in trying to defend the military. No telling what would get said about her being trans, since she had either avoided Kate when at her grandparents’ or she’d been in drab at other events. Hopefully, she wouldn’t get an additional earful over her choice to live her fullest life.
Her mom chuckled. “I’ll see if she’ll leave you alone this weekend.”
“Thank you. It’s gotten old at this point. I don’t want to be constantly defending the army or the military from who even knows what.”
There was a slight lull in the conversation before her mother asked, “So how are your classes going?”
Kelly smiled. This was a simple and comfortable topic and one that she felt was safe. “I’m doing well. The biology class is currently the hardest I have and that one is actually going well. I’m focusing a lot on that one. My nursing classes are going well. I’m still ahead of a lot of the material thanks to my getting assigned to headquarters after I transitioned. That experience is really helping me out.”
“I think you’ll be a good nurse.”
“Thanks, Mom. My goal is to become a nurse practitioner so I can see patients and help people, like I was doing in the army.”
“I know that, Kelly.” Her mother narrowed her eyes in annoyance. “It’s not like I haven’t been paying attention while you’ve been going to school.”
“Sorry, Mom.”
“You have a good temperament for the job at least. I dislike nurses who aren’t patient and try to rush you through things.”
“It helps that being a medic came with a lot of work that’s similar and let me get a feel for things before I got into college. I didn’t have to try things out to see if I would enjoy it.”
“I never understood your choice when you signed up, but it makes much more sense now, seeing what you’re doing with it.”
“Yeah, I always felt a pull toward the medical field. For a while, I wanted to be a doctor, but the nurse practitioners I’ve met seemed to do a mix of the work of a doctor and the time with a patient of a nurse. That was most of what I wanted, to directly help people. Doctors never get to spend time with patients, which is one of the reasons I made the choice. I think I’m heading in the right direction for me.”
“You always were focused in helping others when you were younger.” Her mother smiled at her.
“Do you need me to help with supper?”
“No, it’ll basically be warm up a serving of one of the casseroles that I’ve gotten from several people at church. There’re even some vegetable dishes that can go with them, so we can manage a balanced meal.”
“That sounds good. And easy will be nice.” Easy would be good. Grief was exhausting.
“Yes, it will. Let me go put these things in the family room and we can deal with filling out the envelopes so they can go in the mail tomorrow.”
Kelly put her book aside, realizing the comment by her mother was more than simply a casual suggestion. As chores went, putting something in envelopes was pretty simple and was easy enough to lose herself in. She would be happy to help her mother with that.
The setup her mother made was simple; she would address the envelope and Kelly would put in the card and close it. It was slow work and things at first seemed fine but grew awkward as the silence stretched.
Kelly wanted to break the silence, but nothing seemed like a good reason to talk, especially if her mother was just fine with this situation. Had Kelly talked too much already? Had she not talked enough? Had she not found the right topic of conversation? There were a lot of possible options and not a lot of answers available to her. To be honest, she didn’t want to break the silence because that might mean they would have to talk and after several years of awkwardness between them, it seemed like nothing would break the divide. There had been a few too many painful conversations between them for her to want to make the first step.
“So, have you found a girlfriend yet? You are still into girls, yes?” Her mother finally broke the silence.
Kelly’s face heated and she shifted some in place as she put a card in an envelope. “Yes, Mom, I’m still into girls.”
