Goodbye, Hello, page 22
She found her mother in the family room watching TV. “Hey. Mom.”
“What’s up, Kelly?”
“I’m just feeling down. I was thinking about Dad again.”
“That makes sense. It’s not even been a month since he passed. Everything is still fresh. I know that’s how it feels with me. I miss him all the time.”
“Sorry, Mom. I just miss him. I used to talk to him when I was feeling down and he always managed to cheer me up by the end of the call. I wish he was here so I could do that.”
“I miss him as well. The bed is awfully lonely without him there, without his CPAP running. I got used to the sound and now, without it, I don’t sleep as well. I feel like something is wrong when I don’t hear it. I figure I’ll get used to it after a while, but I’m not there yet. It’s kind of funny the things you miss.”
“Has Carrie come by lately?”
“She was here last weekend. Tim checks on me fairly regularly, which is nice, but I’m not yet old enough that I need to be minded. He’s trying to step up and take charge, but he needs to remember I’m not an invalid.”
“Never thought that, Mom. On a different subject, what do you think of my idea to re-up with the army? I figured I can serve there until retirement and then get hired at one of the VA hospitals.”
“That’s not a bad idea. There would be good job security with a nice government job. But you already know these things. Why are you asking me?”
“I wanted more feedback because Teresa isn’t thrilled with the idea and it’s making her wary of a relationship, or at least that’s what it seems like to me. She implied that she doesn’t want to invest the time in the relationship if it’s just going to stay long-distance when I join up. I don’t think it will end up like that so it’s hard to understand her point of view.”
“I can see her point of view on that. I think it’s a valid concern.”
“What?” Kelly’s eyes went wide.
“She’s thinking long term and is feeling unsure with that one bit of information. That’s not a good place to be. If you’re serious about the military then you need to make sure she doesn’t feel unsure about you. If she’s dithering over things, you haven’t done that. So maybe you need to work on that.”
“I keep telling her the decision is at least a year away and that I still have people to talk to before I decide. I want to keep my options open and I’m not sure of the job market in the area. At least I know that the military almost always needs nurses. I’ve been telling her the truth about what I’ve been thinking and not trying to hide any of my plans going forward.”
“At least a year away is not as comforting as you think. If she has hopes for the two of you, she may already be thinking that far out, at least subconsciously. That ambiguity would make me nervous about where things stood.”
Kelly was at a loss, thinking she had been doing the right thing with telling Teresa her thoughts and not hiding the things she’d been thinking about. “Well, how do you think I can help calm her nerves?”
“You need to talk more about where you see each other in this. Like what are your plans for the summer?”
“I was thinking about talking to you to see if I could stay in my room over the summer. I don’t have any classes I need to take over the summer and this way I can be here to spend time with Teresa.”
“Tell her that. If too much is left nebulous then there’s little to keep a person focused. You two are trying to make a long-distance relationship work so maybe you should talk to her about times when you will be close together. That would give her something to look forward to.”
“You think that will do it?”
“It couldn’t hurt.” Her mother shrugged, then took a drink of her water.
Kelly nodded and looked at her phone. Teresa would be getting off work soon and there was a plan to eat at her place tonight and maybe they could talk. She had hoped they would just be able to relax and not have to deal with all sorts of issues surrounding their dating while over spring break. They’d just dodged one issue and now the military was another concern Teresa had. Honestly, if they were still together into the next year, she might seriously consider marrying her, which should take care of the whole issue. Or maybe it wouldn’t. She wasn’t sure but at last they would be together at that point and could face anything that came that way.
With a shake of her head, she chided herself. She had told Teresa to focus on the now instead of the future, and it was apparently something she needed to pay attention to as well. She was thinking too much of tomorrow rather than today. There was no guarantee they would stay together for anywhere near that long, just a hope. Long distance relationships were hard and took constant work, but the successful ones were strong. It would not do for her to make the same mistake Teresa made. She needed to make her own mistakes.
However, she could try and get something right. Talking to Teresa would be good and she could clarify her thinking, so that they would be on the same page. There was just so much they needed to talk about, and she would rather spend her time kissing or just catching up with the day compared to dwelling on issues. She never found such conversations to be fun, as they always felt like the other shoe or boot was going to drop during them. It might be necessary but never fun.
She shook her head to clear her thoughts. This wasn’t something she needed to ruminate over. There were other things she should be doing. She realized it was time to head over to Teresa’s apartment. Teresa was planning on cooking dinner for them, which Kelly was looking forward to. She had no idea what the meal was going to be and just hoped it wasn’t going to be too much work for Teresa, especially since she would be cooking right after work. She wanted to talk with her and didn’t want the cooking to get in the way.
“Mom, I’m going to take off to see Teresa.”
“Alright, have fun.”
Kelly grabbed her purse and coat and headed out to the car. The drive over to Teresa’s apartment was easy and not too terribly far, but then again, nothing in this town was all that far from anything. Everything was pretty much within fifteen or twenty minutes from her parents’ house, and that included Teresa’s apartment complex. Once she got there, she searched for a parking spot close to Teresa’s apartment. It took a bit but she found one.
She knocked on the door and waited. She heard a faint voice call out from within, “Coming.”
Teresa opened the door and smiled once she saw who it was. “Great, you’re here. Dinner is nearly done.”
“What is it?”
“It’s just some baked chicken and roasted vegetables. I have it a lot. I’m a bit better than just a basic cook, but simple and basic food is what I’m best at. I’ve never been good at anything too fancy.”
“Sounds good to me. I’m more of a subsistence level cook myself, so this is better than I could do. I excel at reheating and cooking things that have directions on the box.”
Baxter was sitting next to a window looking out and turned to look at Kelly before dismissing her and turning back to scan the outside. Kelly sat on the couch. She must have looked pensive because Teresa asked, “Are you okay?”
“I’ve just been thinking.”
Teresa turned from the kitchen and looked over at her, eyes narrowed in concern. “About what?”
“Us. I want you to feel that I’m committed to us. I know I talk about joining the military a lot and that you don’t really get it. I don’t want that to make you miss how I feel about you.”
“I don’t get it, but it’s your life.” Teresa shrugged.
“Thank you, but I also don’t want you to be out of the loop like you were when we were in high school. I never talked to you about my plan to join up then, and given that I was planning on proposing to you, it wasn’t fair to you.”
“I’m aware you’re thinking about this. I may not understand your reasoning, but you do, and it’s your career. I have no intentions of getting in your way.”
“You were talking about not wanting to waste your time if circumstances are going to break us apart. That concerned me, and I’ve been mulling it over ever since. I want you to know that I’ll do my best to keep that from happening. I think we’re doing okay so far. We’re getting better at the distance dating, and I plan on being in town all summer, which should give us a lot of time together.”
“You’ve said as much before. Why are you telling me this again?” Teresa narrowed her eyes in concentration, clearly trying to follow her point. “And did you just say you’re going to be here all summer?”
“Uh… Yes, that’s my plan right now. I want you to know I’m committed to us, to making us work. And that means taking more time to think about my military plans rather than rush off over the summer.”
“I didn’t think you weren’t committed. You’re the one who knows more about distance relationships than I do, and that has helped me be okay with the whole situation. I’m not sure what you’re saying or why.”
Kelly took a moment to make her point clear in her own head. She thought she’d been doing well but apparently wasn’t being as clear as possible. Maybe she needed to slow things down and explain things in smaller chunks and not broad swaths. “My mom made it clear to me that my talking about my plans might be taken as not being serious about us. I am serious about us. I wouldn’t have asked you out if I weren’t. Just know that I will consult with you on any plans I make in the future so you won’t be blindsided by any choice I make about my future.”
“Okay. Thank you. That does help. Now come help me set the table.”
Kelly joined Teresa in putting the plates and utensils out. Teresa’s phone alarm went off signaling the food was ready. Once they were served and seated at the dining room table, Teresa said, “I do feel better with you explaining that, but I’d already come to terms about you and the military. I feel like you’ve been worried about this over nothing. I took to heart that I should focus on us now rather than worry about next year.”
“I caught myself with that as well. I guess we’re both looking for something more out of our relationships.”
“I do want us to succeed and I’m not sure what else we can do right now except just keep going.”
“That’s true. I just want us to be happy, so I fret over things.” Kelly shrugged.
“I do the same. I guess we both want things to work out.”
“That should count for something. Right?”
“I think it does. It makes me feel better about us. And I think that with all this conversation things down the line might just go well. At least that’s my thinking.”
Kelly filled the silence with some of her dinner. “Well then, maybe we need to stop fretting over challenges and focus on other things.”
Teresa set down her fork and smiled at Kelly, her eyes bright. “What did you have in mind?”
“Just having fun together this week and see if that leads to us doing a better job keeping in touch with each other for the rest of the semester.”
“That makes sense. I’m concerned about coming up to see you because they liked my story and I might get tasked with covering more weekend events. That would certainly eat into my time with you and mean that you would need to drive down more.”
“If that happens, we’ll work it out. That’s not exactly a deal breaker.”
“I just don’t want you to think I don’t want to do my share of the driving.”
“Work is work. It’s not like you can just say no to them. Besides, it might not be every weekend so that would free you up.”
“So, I drive up to see you on the weekends I can?”
“That works for me. I don’t mind the drive that much because it allows me time to just think and relax. I don’t get that a lot on campus.”
“Do you want to stay with me when you come down? I have that nice queen-sized bed.” Teresa waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Thinking about the other night when they used said bed, Kelly felt her cheeks warm. That had been lovely and she felt tempted to say yes. But she was still holding back. “Maybe not at first, as I’m happy spending time with my mom. I just want to make sure she isn’t too lonely.”
“That’s probably fair. But know that you’re welcome to stay with me whenever you want. I’m happy to share my space with you.”
“Thanks. That means a lot to me.”
“You mean a lot to me and the thought of waking up next to you does have a great appeal.”
Kelly thought about that, just being able to spend all their time together. It was a wonderful idea, but she was going to stick to staying with her mother for now. “Maybe over the summer I could stay with you for some of the time. That could be good.”
Teresa beamed at her, clearly pleased with the idea. “I’ll hold you to that.”
“Good. It would be nice, and at that point I won’t be as worried about my mom. It will have been months since my dad’s passing and she’ll probably be doing about as well as she can be.”
“How is she doing? How are you doing?” Kelly could hear the concern in Teresa’s voice and it warmed her heart.
“She says she’s doing fine. She misses my dad and is trying to adapt to a quieter house. I’m doing mostly okay. I’ve been missing him, as I talked to him about all of the plans I had. He helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Now I have to figure out who to talk to about those things. Today was with my mom and that wasn’t bad.”
“That has to be rough on both of you. Are you talking to your mother more?”
“Yes. She allowed me to come to the funeral dressed as myself and that was nice. For a while there she didn’t want me to show up to the house as myself, but rather playing that I was still a boy. Some issues with my sister and aunt over my being me, but you were there for some of that and got to enjoy. It’s still a work in progress, but things are getting better.”
“Well, you can always talk to me about things. I’m willing to listen and give feedback.” Teresa took a drink of her water and then smiled at Kelly.
“Thanks. I just want to have some time where I’m not grieving. With you it’s easier to focus on the here and now, but when I’m alone I deal with a lot of issues.” Kelly frowned, thinking of all the things she had been brooding over recently. Sure, not all of it was her father, but thoughts of him seemed omnipresent.
“That’s to be expected. Your dad just died a little while ago. I figure you’re going to be grieving at least until the summer. Maybe longer.”
Kelly nodded. “That’s probably right. The military taught me a little about how to deal with grief so I could help troubled soldiers but not all that much, and my nursing classes haven’t touched on that topic either. Learning this firsthand rather than having more of a clue is not fun.”
“Yeah, but it’s not like anyone teaches you this stuff. It just sort of happens.” Teresa smiled gently at her.
“Yeah… I just wish I knew things that could make the pain and loss less, you know? I was doing fine in school and now I’m concerned I might not be doing as well as I was. Since so much of my focus is on my classes, this distresses me.”
Teresa quirked an eyebrow. “You think you might be doing badly in class?”
“Yes, no, I don’t know. I just know that it isn’t as easy to focus on class work as it used to be.”
“You need to give yourself some grace. You’re dealing with some pretty serious stuff and that can shake anyone’s focus.”
Kelly sighed. “I guess you’re right. I should try to be nicer to myself.”
Teresa put down her fork and sat there looking at Kelly with a soft smile. “I think you’ve been doing fine so far in that area. You’ve told me about all the classwork you’ve been doing so you’re probably not doing as bad as you fear. I mean how do you think you did over the midterms?”
“I think I did okay. I at least knew all the answers on the tests or so I believe,” replied Kelly, thinking back over the tests. “I’m more worried about the paper which took me longer to get done than I thought it would. Some of that was formatting issues, but some of it was just getting my ideas down in an orderly manner.”
“Well, you’ll find out when you go back to classes next week how you did, so I wouldn’t stress over it now. It’s not like you can do anything to change the results at this moment.”
“That’s true. I would much rather focus on us here and now over my classes. This is supposed to be a break so I can enjoy spending time with you and let my brain rest.”
“So, what do you want to do to rest your brain tonight?”
Kelly thought about it before she took another bite of her chicken. “We can watch something and see what happens.”
“You have to go home tonight, right?” asked Teresa, looking at Kelly speculatively.
“Right, but that’s not for hours now. Right now, I just want to spend time with you and enjoy myself. That is at least the plan I was thinking of. Are you good with that?”
“I’m sure we can find something to watch. And there are other ideas we can try to get your brain turned off if necessary.”
Kelly blushed a little at the insinuation. It was something she wanted to do as well but was always pleased when it was also on Teresa’s mind. Being on the same page regarding their sex life was a good thing as far as she was concerned. She grinned at Teresa and almost purred out, “That could be a lovely diversion.”
“Well, once we clean up from dinner, perhaps we can get to that.”
Chapter Thirty-two
