Daughters of Jared, page 14
The breath left me. Virai’s arm tightened around my shoulders, and I leaned against her for support. I closed my eyes, thinking of the lives that had been lost in my behalf. Although I hadn’t asked them to rescue me, I felt even worse knowing they’d willingly helped Lib and Levi.
“Who will take care of Lib?” I asked, opening my eyes again.
“Sara has fussed over him plenty,” Levi said. “He’s strong. He’ll be all right.”
“How long will he be in prison, or has he been forgotten like I was?”
“You were never forgotten.” Levi’s gaze was so intense I had to look away.
My eyes burned. “The price of my rescue has been too high.” I didn’t want to cry in front of either of them, but it was hard to hold back the emotion once it surfaced.
Virai squeezed my shoulder. “You had no say in their fates.”
“That’s right,” I said. “I had no say. I didn’t ask to be rescued either.” I looked at Levi, knowing he could very well see my tears. “Why did you do it?”
He held my gaze. “I didn’t have a choice.”
I was about to ask what he meant when Virai said to Levi, “I need to fetch more poultices for your back.”
She slipped away, leaving Levi and me alone in the garden. When I turned to look at him, he’d taken a step forward. “How can you even ask why?” he said in a low voice.
The tears bubbled up again. “Because two men have died, Lib is in prison, and you’ve been tortured by your own brother. I deserve to know why so much was risked for my rescue.”
He moved closer until I could look nowhere else but into his eyes. “I told you how I feel about you.”
“You asked me to marry you.” I tried to keep my voice steady, despite his nearness and despite my erratic pulse. “Then you asked me to give up my gods.” My voice dropped to a whisper. “You never told me how you felt.”
Both his hands cradled my face.
He closed the distance before I could take a breath. His lips pressed against mine lightly, hesitantly. My hands went to his chest; warmth radiated from his skin through his shirt. My touch encouraged him, and his kiss became more possessive as he pulled me into his arms, wrapping me in his security. For a moment, I believed that nothing could touch us, nothing could harm either of us. He slowly kissed my cheek, my eyelids, my neck. A torture of a new kind.
Then he pulled away, his hands resting on my shoulders. He stared at me with an intensity I’d not seen before. “I love you, Naiva. You must know you’re in my every thought, my every breath.”
It took everything I had to not fall into his arms and be swept away into our own world. I tentatively ran my hands along his chest, down his arms, absorbing his words.
I wanted to tell him the same thing—to confess my heart—but I was afraid I wasn’t who he thought I was. Nor could I ever be.
“If your brother finds out, he’ll kill both of us.”
“My brother is destined for hell,” Levi said in a harsh voice. His fingers traced my cheek. “I’d kill him before he has a chance to touch you again.”
His words were bold. And untrue.
“The king has armies,” I said.
“And I have the truth.”
My gaze faltered. Levi’s truth was different from mine. I didn’t know what the truth was; I hadn’t found it yet. I wondered if I ever would.
“The Lord will bless us,” he said. “You must have faith in that. It doesn’t matter how long we live on this earth. We’ll have an eternity together.”
My throat tightened. Levi spoke as if he’d willingly go to the palace, confess all, then present his head for execution. “I won’t be responsible for any more deaths,” I said, my voice shaking. “And I can no longer stay here. I’ll be found out eventually, and you and your grandmother will be punished.” My breath caught as I thought of dear Virai.
His hands slid to my shoulders. I wanted to be in his arms again, to forget everything—forget that a king and queen were looking for me.
“You’ll do nothing so foolish,” he said, his breath warming my face.
I lifted my chin. “I’m not worth it, Levi.”
His eyes narrowed, and I knew he was about to argue, but I plunged ahead. “I prayed to your God while in prison. There was no answer—” I held up my hand “—and don’t say that being rescued by you was an answer. We’re even worse off. It’s not just me who’s involved now. It’s many more people.”
“My grandmother makes up her own mind.” His hand touched my cheek then slid behind my head, making it hard to concentrate. “If she was worried or afraid, she wouldn’t have taken you in.” His eyes searched mine. “The Lord doesn’t take away all of our trials. We still have to endure.”
“Then what’s the point of worshipping a God who won’t do anything for us?” I asked.
Levi’s eyes widened. “With faith in the Lord, our trials become bearable.”
I blew out a breath. “All this worshipping, all this praying, and nothing changes.” I pulled away from him and shook my head. “You and your grandmother have both been very noble, and I could never repay you for your kindness. But staying here is too dangerous for all of us.”
He reached for me again, amused. “So you would live in the jungle?”
“No, I’ll find a place to live and work where I’m not putting anyone in danger.”
Levi’s hands slid to my waist, pulling me close. “I won’t allow it.”
“You have no say,” I said, but I was losing ground in his gaze.
“Marry me, and we’ll live wherever you want.” His lips pressed against my hair as he pulled me tightly against him.
I wanted to melt in his arms and block out every concern, every danger. But fear took over. I stepped back, out of his embrace, though he kept hold of my hands. “You need a wife you can live with in public, not have to go into hiding with,” I said. “You need a wife who believes in the Lord as you do. How would we raise our children?”
“Some people’s faith is slower to grow than others.”
“What if mine never grows, Levi?” I asked. “What if you become an old man and regret choosing me?”
“Your faith will come; I know it,” he insisted, tugging me toward him. But I resisted.
“I don’t want you to marry me and always hope for something else, for someone I may never be,” I said.
“I’m willing to wait.” Levi tugged me forward again.
It would have been so easy to believe him, but I was no longer the girl I used to be—the one who had first been thrown in prison. I had to be true to myself, and I would not allow another to force his beliefs on me. “How long would you wait?” I raised my face to gaze at him. “And how will you feel when you give up your position as captain of the king’s army?”
He leaned down and whispered, “That’s nothing to me.”
I closed my eyes as his breath touched my lips, but my heart hammered with fear for Levi. “Akish will hunt you down.”
“We’ll join another tribe in another land.”
I opened my eyes and saw the determination in his eyes. “You would give up all of this for me?” I asked.
“Yes.” No hesitation. No wavering.
I kissed him then. Kissed him because I knew it would be the last time. He was not thinking clearly. Months spent in a dark hole had taught me to think deeply, from all angles, to see life beyond the moment. He would regret marrying me. He’d forever be trying to change me. Everything would be lost to him, and the bitterness would slowly destroy us.
When I pulled away, we were both breathless. “Go,” I said, my voice breaking. “I cannot marry you. I cannot destroy your life.”
I turned to leave, but he grabbed my arm. “Someday, Naiva, someday you’ll put the Lord first in your life, and when you do, you’ll marry me.”
Levi stayed away for three weeks. The only thing that was worse than three weeks of not seeing him was the time spent in prison. I’d made progress with my plans to survive on my own. Virai had discreetly procured vellum and dyes for me to create images. I had a collection of more than a dozen paintings ready to sell at the market. The market must be far enough away from the palace that my paintings would never make it into my sister’s hands. She’d know immediately who the artist was.
The morning was still young when I heard Levi’s voice. I dropped my brush on the floor. I hastened to pick it up again then surveyed my image in the reflective metal that hung from the wall. Why am I so worried about what I look like? I had turned down his proposal twice. Yet I was acting like a silly fool. In love.
I entered the cooking room, where Virai stood with Levi and was asking him questions. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. It was like I had been living upon the desert sands and had just been given my first drink.
His gaze locked on me. “You look well.”
I had gained some weight, and color was back in my cheeks. His eyes confirmed that and much more.
For a mad moment, I wanted to fall at his feet and declare that I had found the truth and would be his wife. We could live together in our own existence, far away from the rule of any king or queen. But I said none of this.
“We’ve found a place for her to live in another village,” Virai told him.
“It will be best for everyone,” I added, my voice almost a whisper.
Levi’s eyes narrowed for an instant. “Where?”
“The Mesón Village,” Virai said, thankfully answering for me. It seemed my voice wouldn’t cooperate.
Levi’s expression remained wary. “I have news from the palace.”
“Do they know where I am?”
“Not exactly,” he said. “Your sister came to visit me in the fields. She said she wanted me to deliver a message to you.” His mouth pulled into a grimace. “She said in case I should happen to see you anywhere, I should tell you that she is with child.”
I brought my hands to my chest. After all I had gone through because of her and her husband, she was with child again. Just as I’d told her she would be.
Levi shifted his stance. “She also wanted me to tell you that all is forgiven. That she wants you to return home. She no longer expects you to be a handmaiden.”
My heart leapt then froze. It was the same game she’d played before. She’d told me once she’d forgiven me, had lured me back home at my father’s death. But once in her lair, she’d found a way to control me again.
“No,” I whispered. Virai moved to my side, compassion in her eyes, as I said, “I can’t face him again.”
Relief swept over Levi’s face. “Shall I pass on the message?”
My shock over, my senses back, I said, “Tell her you couldn’t find me. If you pass any message, she’ll have control over you.” I searched Levi’s gaze. “Do you think she was telling the truth? Or was she testing you to see if you knew how to contact me? Is she really with child?”
“She’s with child,” Levi said, his expression perfectly sober.
I exhaled. “Next time you see her, tell her I haven’t been located.” I was afraid to look into Levi’s eyes again. Afraid of the raw feelings I saw there. “And my brothers? How do they fare?” What I really wanted to ask was if they were living at the palace now, so Levi’s next words were very welcome.
“From all accounts, they are well. Shule and Ethem still study with Hearthom in their apprenticeship,” he said, and I thought I heard a bit of relief in his voice.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said with a quick glance at him, though avoiding his eyes. His nod acknowledged my thanks, and I took that as a good time to leave the room.
AS A YOUNG GIRL FOLLOWING my beautiful sister and mother around the palace, I never thought I’d live as a commoner. I never thought I’d relish living in a hut by myself at the edge of the jungle, with no one to keep me company but a pet goat.
The cold months had passed, and the planting season was in full force. I’d put aside my paintings, which only earned a meager income as it was, and hired myself out as a laborer. With every turn of soil and every seed planted, I felt as if I had lived one more second of freedom. I was surrounded by poverty and suffering, but I was also surrounded by the greatest happiness I’d experienced. The only thing that could have made this existence more complete was Levi.
I missed him with every corner of my soul. In the morning, I thought of his strength as I struggled to carry water jugs from the well. In the afternoon, I thought of his courage as I endured yet another endless day in the fields. At night, I thought of his touch, his kisses, his forest-colored eyes.
The months passed, softening the memories of my former life. My little hut became my entire existence, my neighbors the only people I ever talked to; the only news that filtered down from the center of the kingdom was a regular reporting of executions. Criminals seemed abundant in the land of Heth.
I had foregone all religious worship. When my neighbors gathered for ritual feasts, I joined them but never went home and added my prayers to theirs. Ix Chel had seemed to bless my sister, but the goddess had been just as cruel as she had been kind.
It was of my own determination, and no benevolence from the Lord, as Levi might have claimed, that I stayed clear of further punishment. If I had conceded to Levi’s plan, we’d likely both be dead.
The sixth day of each week was market day. For a village as small as ours, there was not enough trade for a daily market. I always set up my paintings in the same corner of the square so I could paint the villagers as they sat for me. It had been disconcerting at first, but I had grown accustomed to having others watch me at my craft.
A young girl sat in front of me today. Her father had proudly escorted her to my corner and had handed me a silver onti. It was her eighth birth date, and for her gift, she’d asked for a drawing of herself.
I situated her on a rug, where the rising sun captured one half of her face, leaving the other half in shadow. She lowered her eyes, and her dark lashes fluttered against her cheeks. I swept her hair over one shoulder. She was an image of innocence and beauty.
As I began the first strokes, a messenger arrived in the village square. He asked to see our village chief, who hurried to meet him. Any news from surrounding cities was always an event. I put down my brush and crossed the square so I’d be able to hear the news as well.
The messenger wore the indigo cape of a royal messenger. My heart beat faster as I realized he was too well dressed; he could only be from the palace.
“I have an announcement for every person,” the young man said. He stood with his head erect, his gaze encompassing the entire crowd that had now gathered. “The queen has given birth to a male child.”
My heart leapt, and I couldn’t help but smile. My sister had a child. At last.
A murmur of approval went through the crowd, and several people clapped.
“The royal guards will be coming in a few days to collect gifts for the new prince.” The messenger straightened his cape. “We must praise the goddess Ix Chel for blessing Queen Asherah.”
The crowd replied as one. “Praise our beloved Ix Chel!”
I was about to repeat the chant with the crowd when I realized the messenger was staring at me. I looked away quickly, trying to recall if I recognized him. I moved slightly to the left, behind another person, so I wasn’t in the messenger’s direct line of vision.
When the crowd finished their chanting, I pushed through the gathering, farther away from the young man. I didn’t dare look at him but hoped his attention had been diverted elsewhere. I escaped between two huts and made my way down a side path to my own place. The young girl and her drawing would have to wait until I was sure the messenger was long gone.
I entered my hut, grateful to be in the cool, dark interior. I blew out a deep breath as I thought about how much the piercing gaze of the young man had unsettled me. I dipped a cloth in a jug of drinking water and smoothed it over my face and neck.
I put the messenger’s questioning gaze out of my mind and thought about my sister holding a healthy infant in her arms at last. Happiness surged through me. She had done it, just as I had told her she would. Her happiness would be complete. The sacrifices and sorrows that had led up to this event were now things of the past. Hope was once again a part of her life.
I paced my hut, thinking of where I was now and where I had been. I was free from prison, and my sister had a new baby. Two blessings that could only come from a god. The question was still, which god?
I knelt in the middle of the floor, something I hadn’t done since being in prison, and clasped my hands together. I closed my eyes and thought of the good fortune that presently surrounded me. If it was due to Levi’s God, I should thank Him first. “O Lord, I kneel before thee to praise Thy work. My family has been richly blessed. Please provide for my sister and her new son. Watch over them. Give them health. Have mercy upon them.” My eyes burned with tears as I thought about how much I missed my sister. How much I still loved her. And how I ached to see my nephew—my own family. “O Lord, have mercy upon my soul. I have been ungrateful. Please hear my supplication. My life is in Thy hands.”
I kept my eyes closed for a long time, waiting, listening, feeling. It was slow to come, but when it did, I couldn’t deny the warmth and peace that spread through every limb, from the top of my head to my feet. I sank to a sitting position and drew my knees to my chest. Pulling them in tightly, I let the tears fall. I was alone. I had been alone for many months. But I felt the presence of comfort. The same feeling I’d had when Lib first started teaching me about his God. It was back. Stronger and surer than ever.
All the times I had pushed away the teachings of the Lord, the ones Lib had so painstakingly risked telling me, flooded through my mind. Guilt settled over me, but even as I wallowed in the distress, Lib’s words came back to me that the Lord was a merciful Lord. He was all knowing. He knew of my trial of faith. He also knew I would one day soften my heart enough to truly ask.
“Thank you, O Lord,” I whispered then repeated it louder. Warmth enveloped me as no rug ever could, completely saturating me from the inside out with a sweetness I could find no words to describe. Strangely, even though I feared being discovered by the king and queen and being punished, I saw things differently now. It was as if I were stronger, more sure of myself, more courageous to move forward in what was requested of me.
