Nyx (Mate's Mark Book 3), page 11
“Carried along,” I whisper, and he nods.
“Forced by someone else’s wind to somewhere outside my control. And now that I want to go back—”
“Go back?” I interrupt, and the panic that waited in the recesses of my mind surges to the front. It sits on my chest like a weight until I can’t draw in air.
Reyes’s grimace is apologetic as he nods. “For a quick trip. It’s why I asked you to come out here with me. I wanted to tell you I’m leaving for a few days.”
“No,” I insist, my voice louder than he’s ever heard it, and his eyes flare wide. “No, you… no. Why?”
He stares at me for a long moment, then gestures towards the village as he twists to look back at the dense forest. “Our food won’t last the winter, and it’s my responsibility to make sure there’s enough to feed everyone. There is a greenhouse at my old camp that we need here.”
“Green house?” I ask, confused by his words. I don’t understand what he’s saying, or why it’s important enough to take him away from me. His eyes zero back in on mine.
“It’s a building made of glass walls. It stays warm, so plants can grow even when it’s cold. That way, we’ll have some of our garden inside it and will be able to provide for everyone.” He gives me a cautious smile. “You’ll love it, and you can spend as much time there as you want.”
I picture it for a moment—a place where the forest lives inside—and know it’s true. I would love it, but right now, I can’t find joy in the idea.
“You are leaving me.”
“No,” he insists immediately, then hardens his expression and tone. “No. I would never leave you. I am doing this for you, to take care of you. To make sure…” He falters, glancing away as his throat works in a rough swallow. When he continues, he speaks in the soft way he always has with me. “To make sure you have everything you need.”
“What if I already have it? What if it is here?” Another of those pained expressions scrunches his face, and he shakes his head, refusing to meet my eyes. “What if I do not want you to go?”
“Let me do this. Let me take care of you like you deserve. I’ll come back.”
“You cannot promise.”
His eyes snap to mine at that comment. “Nothing could keep me away from you.”
“You do not know that!” My voice lifts, and his eyes grow even wider than before as I scramble off the rocks. My arms hug across my chest and squeeze, needing the pressure to ground myself. “What if they find you? Or you get hurt? What if you…”
My throat constricts, stealing the edge of my breath. It’s been so easy these past few weeks—pretending I’m not a slave to this broken mind. But I am. I always will be.
Reyes approaches from behind, but I only hug myself tighter. “Nyx, it’s alright,” he whispers. “We’ll be safe, and we won’t take any risks. No one is going to take me from you.”
“But what if they do? If they capture you?”
“Do you think I’d let anything keep us apart?” he asks, and his voice shakes just enough for me to turn around and face him.
“Us?”
His eyes always share his secrets, and maybe mine do, too, because for a long time we just stare at each other. Maybe he sees in them everything I can’t say out loud. “Yeah,” he finally breathes, then swallows, and I watch the front of his throat work as he gives his head a small shake. “Us.”
I want to tell him now.
That he’s made me want to be brave, and for the first time, I want more from this life. I need to show him why I don’t want him to go, and beg him to stay. Beg and plead that I might be enough, that he said I could be enough, and I’d try, I’d try, if he’d only give me a chance to be.
I want to tell him that I care too much to lose him, and I don’t know if I’ll survive if he’s taken from me now.
But I don’t tell him.
Because I can’t.
Because I don’t know how.
Reyes seems to understand that he’s dropped something on me that I don’t know how to respond to, because he nods and runs a hand over his hair, smoothing it back as his eyes drop to the ground. “I need you to understand that I don’t want to leave you.”
“Then don’t,” I whisper.
“What am I doing if I can’t even take care of you? If I can’t give you the very basics of what you need to survive?” he demands, his voice raising, but he isn’t angry with me. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever been able to do, and if I fail at this, too, where does it leave me? I have to do this, Nyx. For you, and yeah, maybe a little for myself. Do you know how much regret I’ve lived with since the night of that attack? How much that guilt tears me up inside? I need to prove to myself that I’m not a coward.”
“More than you need to stay with me?” I ask quietly, and his entire face falls, but he doesn’t say anything, and I think that might hurt worse. Those voices have me in their grips now, swirling and screaming that I was foolish for ever thinking this life could grant me something worth keeping. That he’s leaving because he wants to, and I’m being tossed aside again. Not enough, never enough, and if I’m not enough to make him stay, then he just needs to…
“Go,” I whisper, tears blurring my vision.
Go, before I shatter.
Before he’s reminded I’m a broken thing, and broken things can’t always be fixed, no matter how hard we might try to mend them. Stitches and glue may hold the pieces in place, but they’re never complete again.
Never whole.
“Not like this,” he begs, and my inhale shudders in my lungs as the first of my tears slips free. “Please, Nyx. You are so important to me. Don’t make me leave you this way.” We stand there for what might be hours, a never-ending supply of tears raining down my cheeks as he waits, and waits, and waits for an answer I’m powerless to give.
“Okay,” Reyes finally whispers, and the invisible hands around my throat tighten further as he takes a step back. He’d never force me to talk even if he can’t understand my silence, but maybe he should. Maybe he needs to grab me and pull me from this dark place, because I can’t get out on my own.
“I can see you’re upset with me. I’ll… give you space, alright? We’ll be back in a couple of days, and I’ll come find you.” Another slow step backwards, away from me, and I shove my palm against my mouth as a sob wracks my entire body. The world is a blur as I watch him turn to retreat into the woods.
I rush over and grab the hem of his shirt, squeezing the fabric between my fingers like I have every time—desperate to get close and terrified to take the final step. “Come back to me,” I force out, the words torn and uneven. “You promised. Come back.”
He nods a few times, and he swipes his hand over his eyes. “I’ll always come home to you, Nyx.” When he turns in my direction, he’s uncertain. Crystal remnants of unshed tears cling to his thick lashes, and his gaze drops to my fingers wrapped around his shirt.
Ever so slowly, his hand reaches for mine. His thumb slides over my knuckles in the gentlest of touches, and my heart lodges in my throat at the rush of static that shoots through my body. My eyes widen as he glances at me in question, afraid he’s done something wrong.
But I can’t speak. Can’t move, can’t think, or hear or smell or see anything aside from him.
I can’t even breathe.
The world moves around me, lights and colors and sounds, but I’m frozen in time. No control over my actions, like there’s a stranger in my body, and I’m nothing more than a bystander watching as life happens before my eyes.
Reyes says something else, some sweet goodbye with a promise of his return and I nod. I don’t want to nod, but I do, and I say goodbye even though I don’t mean it. I don’t want him to go, and I need him to stay, but I’m frozen here.
Paralyzed.
My heart beats so wildly I’m not convinced it won’t jump right out of my chest and land at his feet, begging him to see… to understand what I can’t explain. What he couldn’t possibly know. One last sad smile crosses his face, and he walks away as the earth tilts underneath my feet.
I’ve experienced this before.
Been here.
Felt this certainty.
But it can’t be.
I know it, I know it, I know it, but it’s impossible.
My legs crumble and I fall to my knees, closing my eyes and lifting my face to the sun. Power courses through my body, untamed and uncontrollable as the branches lean in and reach for me. The ivy leaves its home on the trees as it comforts me, wrapping around my trembling limbs.
But the flowers don’t come.
They aren’t the ones I need.
“My flower,” I whisper, and like it’s crying alongside me, the wind howls through the valley below.
My mate.
Reyes
The forest usually grants me peace, but as I walk towards the village, the leaves and peaceful sunlight are missing their comfort. I rub my hand absentmindedly, resisting the urge to run back and forget this scheme to leave. The look on his face was a punch to the gut. Shock that morphed into betrayal, then fear that faded to nothing.
The betrayal hurts the most, but it’s the nothingness I hate. The stoic mask that slid into place when I told him it would just be for a few days, and the way he’d clocked out when I tried to reassure him I’d be safe.
We planned for worst-case scenarios, and determined a path that allows us to scout ahead. There’s a strict agreement between us that we’ll turn around if we run into any signs of a threat. We can’t erase the danger, but we can plan for it, and we have. We did.
None of that seemed to matter, though.
Something shifted in his demeanor, and it’s like I was talking to a carving of Nyx. Cold and flat and unreachable in a way he’s never been with me. I’m not convinced my words penetrated his mind, even if he asked me to be safe. He said goodbye in that quiet manner of his, but the motions were mechanical. The spark behind his eyes was missing, and it’s my fault.
Near the edge of the forest, I hesitate. My gaze swings towards the overlook as if it were possible to see him from this far away. It’s like I can sense him staring after me, too. The need to go to him is so intense that it feels like I’m being tugged along, fighting some invisible binding that has me snared.
My heart hurts, and my feet drag as if they’re made of lead as I convince myself to respect his boundaries. I promised him a choice, and he asked me to leave. Even though every instinct I have is screaming against it, he deserves autonomy over himself. He’s more than earned it, and I’ll never be the one to take it away again.
This anchor of a heart fights my every step as I force myself from the woods. In the village, Lillith and Taryn stand beside the van. Even after Elas and August plowed through that fence at Ljómur, the SUV still runs. Lillith has been tinkering with it to make sure it doesn’t die and leave us with a single vehicle, but the van is the safer choice. Its engine is weaker and the lower clearance doesn’t handle the terrain as well, but it’s reliable.
We travel light, saving the space for the supplies we’ll be hauling back. Food and water, spare fuel, and a few essentials for emergencies. Blankets, a tarp, rope, and a surprisingly colorful variety of weapons. Lillith apparently raided the armory as they fled Ljómur and treated it like a buffet.
My knife is holstered on my side, freshly sharpened. Taryn has one of our limited firearms on her hip—a handgun that almost knocked me on my ass the few times I tried to shoot it. How she handles it without as much as an obvious kickback is a fucking mystery, because that shit hurts. Lillith…
Well.
Lillith has a twin set of short swords strapped on her back in a threatening X, and a longsword slung around her hips. There’s also a suspicious lump under the thigh of her sweatpants that leads me to believe more weapons are hidden on her body. It seems like overkill, because according to the stories of their escape, her hands are the deadliest thing on her person.
But she looks happy, so that’s all that matters, I guess?
Taryn acknowledges my approach with a polite smile before her attention swings back to her mate. “Sweetheart, you won’t be able to sit down like that.”
“Don’t I look cool, though?” Lillith flexes her giant arms as Taryn chuckles and pats her bulging biceps.
“So cool,” she agrees as she slides the chest holster—where did that even come from?—over Lillith’s head, being careful not to snag her horns with the leather strap.
“Who pissed in your morning oats?” Elas asks from beside me, and I scrunch my nose.
“Gross,” I complain, and he chuckles and shrugs. “Nerves are bothering me, I guess.” My eyes betray me and move to the forest, and Elas hums his understanding. Pity softens his expression for a moment, and I cross my arms and turn away.
Everyone looks at me that way when it comes to Nyx. They read my face like a book, where my affections are apparently displayed in real time. And they all have a fucking opinion, even if they don’t say it out loud. They prepare for my inevitable heartbreak from loving someone who’s always been invisible. They brace themselves for my fallout.
“Did you tell him you were leaving?” he asks, gentler this time but still with that godsdamned sympathy. He means well… they all mean well, and it kills my rising indignation.
“Yeah.” I shove my fingers through my hair as I blow out a long breath. “Make sure he’s okay, will you?” Elas nods and pats his chest, just above his heart. It’s a promise, and Elas doesn’t give them lightly. It relieves a fraction of my tension.
The chatter builds as most of the camp gathers around us to say goodbye. Everyone wants something. August needs more medical supplies, of course, while Ronan is more concerned with food. Cameron only asks for more books, and I promise to grab a few new ones to add to our small library, even as Ronan and Elas both roll their eyes.
Xeni stands off to the side like he normally does, and his brows lift in momentary surprise as I approach. “Is there anything you need?” I ask him, and he bites at his lip as he considers the question.
“Tools and building materials,” he finally answers, surprising me with the response. “Our infrastructure is weak, and that single solar panel isn’t enough for the number of people here. Any sort of wiring and tools, pipes, anything like that would go a long way.”
I nod, worrying my lip. “Those things take up a lot of space.”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “But if you guys are serious about making this a permanent home, we need to make some upgrades.”
“Fair enough. I’ll see what I can find.” He nods and offers me a tentative smile, and I realize that without that scowl on his face, he’s gorgeous. Sure, the solid white eye is unnerving, as are the twisted bones jutting from his skull. And yeah, the eyepatch is certainly a conversation starter, but he’s lithe and graceful, with defined, almost delicate, features.
He’s also notoriously closed off. August swears he was happy and even a bit flirty back at the base, but since they’ve arrived here, he’s barely spoken. His story is a mystery, and he seems to prefer it that way.
Taryn’s hands are on her hips as I return to the van, and Lillith is finally free of blades—visible ones, at least. Everyone is in that stasis that comes from waiting impatiently but being too polite to say anything. I glance towards the woods, but Nyx is nowhere to be found. My skin tingles where we touched, the ghost of his hand in mine only making it harder to leave. I sigh, but there is no point in delaying any further.
There’s another quick round of goodbyes, and a hurried reminder from Ronan that if we are followed to fuck off and not come back. It’s accompanied by a strained laugh from Cameron along with an insistence that Ronan didn’t mean it.
The purple fucker glares at me when I raise a brow in question.
Pretty sure he meant it.
We load into the van and travel along the hidden pathway. The further we get from the village, the more my stomach churns. Taryn and Lillith chatter up front, and I curl up into a ball in the middle row, leaning against the window as the world whirs by beyond the glass. The afternoon sun is hot against my skin, and though the drive will take us into the night, we all agree to make it in a straight shot.
We only stop for a quick dinner and refuel, scarfing down a meal and pissing behind some trees before we’re on the road again. The warmth on my face and the hum of the tires are like a lullaby, and as night falls, my eyes flutter closed and sleep pulls me under.
The soft touch on my knee shocks me awake, and I reach for the knife at my side as I jolt upright. “Easy there, killer. It’s just me.” Taryn’s voice soothes my shock, and my hand relaxes as my sight adjusts to the darkness. She’s sideways in the passenger seat, already unbuckled, and I realize that while the engine is still humming, it’s idle. Blinking the last of the sleep from my eyes, I stare at the abandoned camp outside the window, illuminated by the headlights. I’ve slept for hours.
A peculiar sense of familiarity hits me as I glance over the moonlit silhouette of the buildings. It’s strange to be back. Despite the years I lived here, it feels like I’ve stepped uninvited into someone else’s life. The splinter of homesickness is overridden by the repulsion that wants to flee. It’s like going home, except the place you grew up only holds sad, lonely memories, and you realize it was never where you belonged.
“What time is it?” My voice is thick with sleep as I unhook my seatbelt and stretch, arching my spine with a loud groan as the muscles flex and strain. Taryn’s gasp is so quiet I almost don’t hear it, and I squint my eyes at her in the darkness to find her gaze wild.
“Uh,” she says, and my brows snap together. In the time I’ve known her, Taryn has always been confident and steady. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her at a loss for words.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
Lillith cranes her head in such a hurry to check on Taryn that her horns scrape against the ceiling. Taryn blindly reaches over and squeezes Lillith’s forearm, but her eyes don’t leave mine as a flicker of something almost sorrowful passes over her face.
