Ghost Days, page 13
She leaned forward with interest.
***
In her mind it was a steady progression of A to B to C. She didn’t think about the long stretches between their dates, or how long it took him to finally propose to her. Well, technically. She only remembered that it sounded like a wonderful deal. She would get her own house, for free. She would get paid a stipend for her service, enough that she could quit the bank and do whatever she wanted with her days. And she could be with Saul.
“When you say we’d be a couple,” she said, testing the waters one night when they were alone in his car. She kept her eye on the road ahead, the twin cones of light from his headlights. “Do you mean... well, I’m just saying that people who have been intimate tend to have a certain, um... a certain... well, you know, an intimacy.”
He tensed slightly in his seat, hands tightening on the wheel. “You’re suggesting we go to bed together. In my experience that isn’t the sort of thing a man should assume with a woman who, despite public performance, is merely an acquaintance. Is that something you would desire?”
“Yes!” She realized how eager she sounded, and she ducked her chin, touching the rim of her glasses in an attempt to hide her face. “I-I mean. I find you attractive is all. I wouldn’t have agreed to do this if I didn’t.”
Saul considered it. “I suppose that would be acceptable.”
It was hardly an enthusiastic yes, but that night he escorted her into his bedroom. He undressed for her, let her touch him and do whatever she wanted. He made the right noises, creating a soundtrack she’d only imagined when she read her books. She touched him and watched how his body responded to her, amazed to see it in real life, to be creating such a reaction. He was like an amazing, wonderful toy, and she couldn’t imagine ever getting tired of playing with him.
***
But even the extraordinary can become routine, given enough time. Getting everything you want can become boring when fantasy turns into reality. Saul didn’t live up to her fantasies, but that was fine. She still had her books. She still had her pillow and her fingers when he didn’t get her where she needed to go. But she went with it because it was the life she’d been given. No one liked the life they were given, and most of them had to worry about where they’d live or how they’d pay their bills. She didn’t have to think about any of that stuff. It was better. And it wasn’t like there was anything better out there she was missing out on.
The first lie she’d told was that she and Saul had a mutual agreement about their relationship. She knew and accepted the activities he got up to on his business trips. But she’d let Erika believe she did the same thing here at home when he was gone. That would involve going out. It would involve meeting people. And she wasn’t really interested in going to bed with random men. She didn’t want sex just to have sex, she wanted it to mean something. And that would require being vulnerable. It was easier to stay home and live vicariously through her books.
Then she saw Erika Garza.
Saul brought her along with him because he needed her to know where the airport was so she could pick him up after the Calgary trips. It was one of his minor but horrible traits. She could just look at a damn map, but he wanted to show her himself. It was condescending, infantilizing bullshit, but she was accustomed to it by now, so she went along with it.
When she first saw Erika, she thought she was a man. Petite, sure, but she liked smaller men. Even from a distance, she could tell the person would be shorter than her. So she made the decision to get out of the car – which was quite hot, to be honest – and go get a closer look. It wasn’t until she was almost on them before she realized she was looking at a woman. A beautiful woman with short hair and a strong frame and eyes so brown they were almost black.
And she realized there were possibilities out there beyond Saul.
Things she’d never considered, ideas she’d never let herself have. Not even when she was reading her books, imagining herself with a cock and tearing dresses off beautiful women.
She watched Erika carefully while she spoke with Saul. Listened to her voice, the rough timbre of it and the rasp at the back of her throat. She could be manly. She could be masculine. But she was definitely feminine. There was a duality, a blend of the two, that Christine found intoxicating.
She couldn’t stop thinking about it on the ride home. Saul tried speaking to her twice, but she barely heard anything he said. It was a wonder she was able to respond to anything he said.
“What did you think of the pilot?”
Christine whipped her head around to look at him. “Why?”
“Merely curious. You seemed to have a fascination.”
“No,” she said, probably too quickly. “She was just... unique. That’s all.”
Saul made a noise in his throat that meant he acknowledged what she said but had nothing to add to the conversation.
When she got home, she opened the bottom drawer of her nightstand where she kept her naughty magazines. She sat on the edge of her mattress and flipped through them for anyone who looked anything like the pilot. Some had similar builds, but they were blonde or their breasts were far too big and obviously fake. Their hair was always long. No one had a short boyish cut like Erika’s.
Christine flipped the pages with more urgency, running her eyes across butts, bushes, breasts, and none of them gave her even a twinge of what she’d felt while looking at the fully-clothed pilot.
“Fuck,” she whispered, slapping the magazine shut and tossing it onto the floor.
She knew she could go to Saul. It would be far from the first time she’d fantasized about someone else while they grappled. But those had been men, celebrities she’d seen in a movie. It felt wrong doing it with a woman. And with someone she theoretically could actually be with. If she wanted. She’d seen the way Erika looked at her. There had been want. Desire. Hunger. Christine was confident that if she asked, the answer would be yes.
She shuddered at the thought. Her nipples were hard, and there was a humming between her legs that she felt the urge to deal with. But she wouldn’t. She would see Erika again in a few days. Saul would be gone. And she’d have three whole days to explore these new urges.
She bit her lip and went to the bathroom to take a long, very cold shower.
***
On the day she dropped Saul off at Red Kite Aviation the first time, she drove away just far enough that he wouldn’t see the car. She pulled off to the side of the road and watched, waiting, until finally she saw the plane soaring into the sky. She drove back to the airport and left a note in the doorway. She wanted Erika to meet her at the bar in town, a bar she’d never been to but somewhere she could consider neutral territory for what was sure to be an interesting conversation.
Erika wouldn’t be back for four hours. Four whole hours before she even saw the card. Stupid. Why had she given herself so much time to sit and wait and think of all the ways it could go wrong?
She decided to use the time to prepare. She was not going to be timid. She wasn’t going to be scared Christine, nervous Christine, the virginal lesbian asking the sexy pilot to please kiss her. No. She was going to be confident. She would be like the rogues in her romance novels. She was going to demand what she wanted. Maybe if she faked aggression, Erika would be more likely to give in.
***
Christine told herself not to cry when she came.
She bit her knuckle, squeezed her eyes shut, moved her hips against Erika’s mouth, and angrily admonished herself for even thinking about crying.
But oh god it felt so good...
She was covered in sweat and her thighs were sore, her toes curled so tightly that she had to focus to straighten them. Her body was twitching in strange ways that she didn’t understand, like she was recoiling from imaginary touches, hyper-aware of Erika’s lips and tongue on her skin as she kissed her way up her body.
“You all right?” Erika whispered against Christine’s mouth.
“Uh-huh,” Christine managed, closing her lips around Erika’s bottom lip, turning it into a kiss. She put her arms around Erika’s neck and held her tight. It felt like days ago when she’d told Erika to “do whatever you want to me,” and Erika had definitely taken that directive and run with it. She was still shaking, and she held tighter to Erika in an attempt to hide it. Erika sat up and there was just enough light to see the outline of her face.
“We’re not done, right?” Christine asked, stroking her hand down Erika’s back, looking up at her in the darkness. “We... Is that it?”
“Doesn’t have to be,” Erika said, breathing heavily. “Are you tired?”
“No,” Christine said, even though she was, because she knew sleeping would mean the night would be over. “I want to do that again. Or something like that.”
Erika grinned and moved her hand down Christine’s side. “I can think of a few things like that you might enjoy.”
“Show me,” Christine said.
Erika moved her hand between them, and Christine closed her eyes, hoping she could survive three days with this woman.
***
They put on a show when Christine picked Saul up from the airport. Of course, she and Saul put on a show of their own. He called her “my lady,” and Christine had jumped into his arms to give him a crushing hug. But she couldn’t resist looking at Erika when she did it, licking her lips suggestively as Saul held her. He took the car keys from her and she settled into the passenger seat, watching Erika as he drove her away from the airport.
Away from Erika, away from the beautiful life she’d gotten a glimpse of the life she could have. Back to a quiet house. Romance novels and empty beds.
“Is something wrong?” Saul asked once they were on the road. “You seem distracted.”
“No,” she said. “Sorry. Um, how was your trip?”
“Uneventful outside of the official purpose. Mr. Loomis will be pleased with the progress we’ve already made, but it will require more negotiations, as expected. I hope you won’t mind being without me for another few days next week.”
Christine tried not to sound over-eager. “It’s what we planned.” She looked at the airport receding in the side mirror. “I’ll find something to keep me occupied.”
***
Maybe, on a normal weekend, she would have noticed something going on with Saul. In retrospect, if she’d known he would be murdered for trying to con the people who hired him, she would have picked up on some behavior that might have acted as a warning. But he honestly could have caught fire during those four days and she might not have noticed. Everything reminded her of Erika. A song on the radio, seeing a shirt she’d worn at the airport draped over the edge of the hamper, taking a shower and remembering the bath...
They had dinner together on Saturday night, sitting across from each other in Saul’s dining room. He had a book open next to his plate and ate slowly, methodically, sometimes finishing a page before he took a bite. Christine didn’t know why they had to be together for these weekly dinners. He claimed it was bonding, to make them appear comfortable with each other when they went out. But after spending so much time with someone who actually enjoyed her company, she couldn’t help feeling like Saul saw her as a pet.
“Saul,” she said.
He looked up, waiting. She tried to think of the right way to phrase her question. She didn’t want to blow up a good thing, not even for Erika. What they had was so new, so different, that she couldn’t predict if the ground would fall out from under their feet in a few more weeks. But she needed to know if there was a line he refused to cross.
“The men you meet up with on your business trips...”
He tensed and closed his book on a napkin. “We don’t have to discuss that.”
“No, I think we need to,” she said. “I think it’s important to know going forward. What happens if you... if there’s someone you meet there that you have actual feelings for?”
“It’s not a circumstance worth considering,” he said carefully, “because there is no future there.”
“Of course not, I’m not talking about marriage and white picket fences. I’m talking about more than... this.” She gestured at the dark living room. “Coming home to someone who cares about you. Having dinner with someone who enjoys your company even if you’re just sitting there reading a book. Wouldn’t that be better than just having some hired actress pretending to be your wife?”
He frowned. “Are you worried I no longer enjoy your company? Christine, you are very adequate company. I find you charming. You’re beautiful. I’m fortunate to have you as my partner.”
“But I’m not your partner. And I think... you deserve better than just playing house.”
Saul looked down at his food for a long moment as he gathered his thoughts. “The encounters I have when away on business,” he said carefully, “are not relationships. It would be foolish to consider them such. They’re trysts. There’s no point in hoping for more, expecting more, because that sort of partnership is illegal. In Canada, in the United States, everywhere I can consider worth living. So I enjoy what I have, when I have it. The men I choose to spend that time with understand it as well. And if I happen to spend time with a man more than once, he knows it’s merely because I enjoy his company and not an expectation of more.”
“So it’s not even worth hoping for.”
He stared at her. He stood up and walked around the table to crouch next to her chair. “I’m not hoping for that, Christine. I’m not interested in changing anything about our arrangement. I don’t know why you’re suddenly so worried about that, but I can assure you I’m not going anywhere.” He took her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the knuckles. “I do care for you very much.”
She looked at her hand in his. It was sweet of him to think she was asking the questions because she was worried about being left behind. It proved he cared. Maybe that was enough. Maybe she could make it be enough. Especially if she had Erika in her life. Saul was right. It was foolish to expect anything different, anything better, anything solid. White picket fences. She would never have that with Saul, but at least they could go out in public together. She would never be able to tell people she was with Erika, that they were partners. They would have to come up with lies and cover stories to explain their life together and keep the truth a closely guarded secret.
She was never going to happy. So she might as well stay in the unhappy secret that let her live a comfortable life.
“Can I stay here tonight?”
Saul looked surprised, but then he nodded. “Yes. I think that would be nice.”
She bent down and kissed him. She hadn’t had much experience with kissing before going into this relationship, and kissing him had always been fine. But now she had Erika to compare it to...
She wouldn’t be stupid. She wouldn’t risk everything for a possibility, for a second secret life that kept her hidden away.
This was as good as she could expect, and she was going to force herself to be happy with it.
***
And then Erika had to go and fuck it all up.
“I love you.”
No one had ever said those words to her. Not even one of her parents, not a boyfriend, definitely not Saul. And here was Erika, whispering it in the dark, probably thinking Christine was asleep and unable to hear it. Saying it not because she had to, or because she was trying to get something in return, because she wanted to say it. Because she felt it. Christine’s favorite person in the world had just said “I love you” and Christine knew she felt the same.
“Erika?” she whispered after some time had passed. Erika’s body rose and fell with a deeper breath, but she didn’t react to her name being said. “Erika?” Christine said, a little louder, still no response. Christine watched the line of her shoulder as it rose and fell like the tide washing in on shore. Steady and predictable, sleeping with her, pressed against her, both of them naked, stinking of sweat and sex.
“I love you too,” Christine whispered, and she knew she was ready to blow everything up for this woman, for this new thing they’d found. Maybe it would end up being the worst decision of her life, but she’d been living with so many bad decisions for so long, and this one felt almost like, possibly, hope.
She didn’t know how she was going to do it. And she was certain she’d overthink things in the morning. But for now, she had made her decision.
If she had to live a secret life, she was going to make it a life she was proud of.
***
And then...
And then...
All hell broke loose.
She was prepared. After Erika left for Calgary, Christine drove home planning to do whatever needed to be done to get the life she wanted rather than the one she was stuck in. She stole the wrench from Erika’s house, but she’d never planned to use it. Or maybe she had? Just as a threat? To show Saul she meant business? But she never would have actually hurt him. He wasn’t a bad man. He would have seen reason and let her go. That was why she’d thrown it out the window, wanting to erase that brief moment of insanity before she let it into her home.
And then.
She had seen the car parked in Saul’s driveway when she got home. Its very presence was confusing. No one ever came over to see Saul, especially not in the middle of a workday. She parked at her house and crossed his lawn to peek in the car windows, to see if she could tell who it belonged to. She was almost to the car when something crashed inside Saul’s house. She almost ran then, maybe could have made a clean getaway, but the front door swung open and a man stormed out.
They locked eyes and she saw his face change. He gave her the least sincere smile she’d ever seen and lifted his hand in greeting.
“Hey. Oh, hey. You’re the wife, right...? We just want--”
She ran, but he was faster. He called for his partner as he wrestled with her, getting her arms pinned to her sides. Together they had managed to wrestle her into the backseat of their car.
“What the hell we gonna do with her?” the second man asked, out of breath.
