Happiness and Other Disasters, page 31
“I didn't cheat on you. Never!”
“But you did. There's no need to sugarcoat it now,” he said resignedly.
I told him everything. The whole plan, every single detail of it. And in the end, I revealed the truth about how I felt towards him recently. I also shared what had been happening since we last saw each other, including the whole Lucas story.
“Your brother? Is this some messed up comedy?” his tone turned angry again.
“I thought you would appreciate my honesty!” I said.
“After all this time. Well, I don't know. It's pretty bizarre. Your love for me transformed into a sibling love,” he pondered on the matter.
“Yes, exactly. That's how it is. Surely, you've experienced something similar, where an emotion transforms,” I tried to make him understand what I felt.
“Maybe, but not to this extent. It's terrible. You were the love of my life, well, to some extent, you still are. Until now, I could at least say it was okay, you're just a cheating bastard. But after this, that you wanted to do something good for me, and wanted to protect me. Wow!” I felt something in him starting to melt.
“I'm sorry, I thought it was the right decision. Apparently, it wasn't. I made a mistake,” I apologized, looking down.
“On some level, so did I. In our entire relationship. You know, I had time to think, for a long time, about my mistakes. And there were plenty, both from my side and from yours. We messed it up irreversibly. Although it started so beautifully. We were just too inexperienced, mistrustful, and immature.” Strength returned to his voice, and a hint of kindness flickered.
“I wish I didn't have to lose you. If we could have remained friends, where we still care about each other,” I hoped that could still happen.
“Well, I don't know. I don't know how that would work. I was still deeply involved in all of this back then. Though I still am, to some extent, I can now observe it as an outsider. And yes, I was stupid with this whole plan because I probably would have exposed this fake HIV-thingy within a day or two. I wouldn't have let you suffer. It was just one final blow, just like the cheating. Ah, it's a damn world. I didn't think we would become that…” he took a sip of water because he was completely dehydrated from all the crying.
“Mike, can't we somehow resolve this?” I shook my head. I didn't want it to end like this again. In utter nothingness.
“I don't live here anymore, we won't see each other constantly. Maybe we can occasionally ask about each other's well-being. That might fit in gradually. Then, it will become easier for me too. Maybe my self-confidence will return, and I'll be able to approach you with that sibling love, or whatever it is,” he smiled.
The ice was broken. Finally. There were no more secrets, no more lies. Mike and I parted ways with no anger, and there was hope that we could continue as friends and occasionally cross paths when he happens to be in the city.
I was infinitely happy, and after Damien, Mike's ghost also disappeared from beside me. They returned to my life, and in a very good place, which I could not have dared to dream of. Now, I just had to figure out how to rip out from my heart that idiot, who went by the name of Lucas Ridley.
Chapter 34
Jet Lag
The sun was shining brightly as we arrived to the tent. Claire, in a greenish long dress, clumsily stumbled beside me in her high heels. Not far away, I noticed Damien and Margarete with little Edward.
"Hi!" they greeted us.
"Are we the first ones?" Margarete asked.
"It certainly seems like it, even though we didn't come that quickly after the ceremony," I pondered aloud, squinting because I had forgotten to bring my sunglasses.
"Listen, Gabe..." Damien began. "We came out a bit earlier of the mayor’s office, because Edward was crying so badly, and you know who I saw outside?"
"I have no clue. Who?" I asked curiously.
"If I recognized him correctly from the photos, it was most likely Lucas. But doesn't he live in the US?"
Seven months earlier
"Here he is, it's him!" I showed a picture of Luke on my phone to Damien and Margarete.
"I don't know, he seems likable, but there's something about him that I couldn't trust. Hmm, does this make sense?" Margarete asked, with little Edward in her lap.
"Sneaky. Something doesn't feel right about this guy. Sorry, Gabe. Maybe this was for the best," Damien said as he sat down next to us to chat.
"And how have you been lately?" Margarete asked kindly.
"Quite well," I started. "The past period hasn't been easy, but I think I've overcame the difficulties. And I apologize for not coming more often, I promise it will be different from now on," I said.
"Don't fool around, our lives are just so hectic. I spend the whole day browsing daycare websites, it's so hard to find the best one. Plus, I'm slowly wanting to go back to work. This stay-at-home thing isn't for me. Right, little one?" Margarete said as she adjusted Edward on her thighs.
"He's grown so much, oh my goodness! And he looks more and more like you, Damien," I said, paying attention to the details. "Especially his ears and eyes."
"Just hope his ears won't be as big, haha," he joked, then took Edward from Margarete for a little while.
"Have you seen these ears?" I pointed to my own.
"Those ears deserve something much better than that Luke or whoever he is," Margarete added kindly.
"Let's not talk about him. It still gives me a knot in my stomach to this day," I tried to change the subject. "By the way, what's the status of that big project?" I turned to Damien.
Damien worked at an architectural firm as a urban designer, primarily responsible for the cityscape, with a focus on green spaces and the environment surrounding the buildings.
"The municipality liked it, so with a few minor modifications, I think it will ultimately go through. So, the months of work invested in it were worth it," he said enthusiastically.
Yes, that was my Damien. I always knew he would be successful, and I could see how happy he was doing what he loved. He enjoyed talking about it, and I loved listening when he did. And no, I didn't look at him with the same admiration as before. I mean, I still loved him, but in a happy acceptance that he would never be mine, and that was okay.
I told them that Oliver and Nils had set the date for their wedding in September, and since they had already met at a gathering, they wanted us to come. They said they would try to be there, but they couldn't promise. Of course, I was hoping they would make it. I was incredibly happy to see all these separate little groups coming together and genuinely liking each other, even though they were so far apart.
Spring was approaching, and I was making good progress with my book. I planned to finish it by early summer and then start looking for a publisher, hoping someone would be interested. But even if it didn't happen that way, the main thing was that I wrote it, and it filled me with a sense of accomplishment. I poured out everything that felt important to me.
One day, Mom said that Pilar and the kids would come over for the weekend. I hadn't seen them in a long time, a kind of natural distance had developed between us. The kids were teenagers now, and I didn't know what to talk to them about
The youngest of my nephews behaved rudely towards Mom, and I didn't like it at all. Her mother didn't reprimand him, but instead defended him in an incredibly uncouth manner.
"We were teenagers, this is completely normal, it will get better," she said in her whiny voice.
"I would never have allowed myself to speak like this to my mother or maybe my grandmother. Everything has its limits," Mom argued.
"I'll handle it with my kids, just like everything else. I don't need help," something snapped inside me when she said these words.
"I see, that's why they are the way they are. Because you're such a wonderful mother," I said, and I really liked that my mom finally stood up to that self-satisfied arrogance.
Since she could never really restrain herself, the her true self came to the surface again:
"I don't care about your opinion," she said firmly and repellently.
At that moment, I had had enough. I had never spoken up for so many years. I had only watched from the background, but now it was time to step into the light and give her what she had deserved a long time ago.
"Wasn't it enough?" I asked passionately.
She was startled by my voice. She just stared at me.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked confusedly.
"What's wrong with me? Well, you're the problem, and you have been for a long time," I continued.
"Mom, say something to her. She's insulting me," she fled to Mom, but it was in vain. I could see in mom's eyes that she was encouraging me with her gaze.
"Have you ever thought about behaving normally with your parents?" I asked this sharp question. She just stammered and pretended to cry, claiming that I was being unfair to her and hurting her.
"I won't tolerate this. I became the way I am because of you. Because they only cared about you!" she raised her voice again.
"Stop right there, young lady," my dad joined the argument. "You got everything just like he did."
Pilar stood there frozen, sobbing, as if she was about to burst into tears again.
"You still have no idea how hard it was to live in Gabe's shadow. And no one should tell me what to do," she stubbornly insisted.
"I wanted us to be on good terms, even after what you did to me when I was little," I interjected.
"What did I do? What did I do?" she yelled.
"Do you remember when you convinced me that Mom and Dad would leave me like Marie? Do you think I'll ever forget that? Do you know how much anxiety that caused me for years? And don't come here with the excuse that you were a child. You could have had enough sense not to do that to me. But you know, even though I'll never forget, I've already forgiven you for this," as I finally said these words, my soul slowly calmed down.
"I don't need any forgiveness, just don't meddle in my life," she said firmly and headed out, gesturing for the kids to follow.
"I was a bit harsh, wasn't I?" I asked Mom after they left.
"Perhaps, but at least she got a wake-up call. She'll probably be back to her old self next week. But if even one percent got through, that's something. And thank you, Gabe!" she said with a smile.
"What for?" I asked, surprised.
"For standing up for yourself. I know how difficult it was. But you did a great job," she said and winked.
“How's the book coming along?" Dad asked. Lately, everyone was curious about that.
"I'm making good progress, but I could use some more inspiration," I explained.
"Spain?" he asked.
"Maybe something more distant. I recently talked to Blake, and she mentioned that I could visit her sometime."
"In US?" his eyes widened, adjusting his glasses.
"Yes, she lives in Seattle now, and since I would be there, San Francisco isn't far either. I thought I could visit Luke," I explained my idea.
Visiting Luke? Sounds foolish, right? But again, I felt the need for some kind of closure, and maybe things had changed a bit. He kept texting me how much he misses me in different ways.
"I don't know, Blake is okay, but this Lucas guy was a real jerk to you," he argued.
"I just want to show him how well I'm doing without him. How much I've grown and all. Let him envy me," I said jokingly.
In the end, after convincing them, they gave their blessing, and in May, I boarded that Boeing 747 that didn't stop until San Francisco. The plan was to spend two days at Luke's, then take a flight to Seattle for spending three days with Blake, and finally return to San Francisco for one more day at Luke's. We had everything planned in advance to avoid inconvenient timing, and he seemed quite excited.
It was my first time on that continent, and everything was so different. It felt like I had suddenly stepped into a completely different world. But people were generally kind and helpful when I needed directions. However, jet lag hit me hard, and even though I knew I shouldn't go to bed until it was evening in San Francisco, I could barely stay awake and suffered through it. I didn't stay at Luke's that night because he said he had already promised the couch to another friend, but starting the following day, I could definitely stay with him. It was a bit strange, but I didn't dwell on it.
The next morning, I headed to the city center to meet Luke. He welcomed me with a big hug, and we immediately went to a local bakery for breakfast.
"I've been waiting for you to be here for a long time," he said kindly.
"I've been waiting to see you too," I smiled back, savoring my maple syrup waffle.
"Wow, look at those muscles, impressive," he observed, sipping his coffee.
"There's been some work put into it, but I still have room for improvement. But you can't complain either," I said with my usual kindness, praising him as well. Although apart from gaining a few kilos and not being as skinny as before, he hadn't changed much.
"Shall we go cycling in the park nearby?" he suggested after breakfast.
“Sure, I've been wanting to see those famous parks," I said cheerfully, looking forward to the day we would spend together. He was much kinder than before, and it was clear that he was really into me. It impressed me, and I liked that he was flattering me so much.
"Isn't it unusually warm for May? It's almost 31 degrees Celsius. That's not normal, right?" I asked him when we arrived at the totem poles, sweating profusely from the bike ride.
"Yeah, it's true. Regardless of what they say about Greta, this is not normal. And this is San Francisco, dammit," he mused about how the climate was changing lately.
"Then, if you don't mind..."
I didn't even wait for an answer; I just took off my shirt because it was so hot, and other guys were sunbathing shirtless on the grass as well.
He swallowed and lowered his gaze, lying down beside me. His shirt stayed on; his shyness hadn't changed.
"I'm sorry," he began.
"About what, Luke?" I asked, turning my head toward him.
"I lied about not knowing when I had to go home. I made a lot of mistakes, dragging you along on a whim, and that wasn't nice. So, sorry!" he said, but if I observed his gaze more closely, there didn't seem to be a hint of remorse, just a casual apology.
We spent the day pleasantly, and the next one as well. I slept on the couch, and he in his own bed. I didn't want anything to happen between us; it was better to keep some distance. And it was time for me to visit Blake. I got on the plane, and a few hours later, we were having a picnic under the Space Needle. It was unbearably hot there too.
"Why did I pack so many warm clothes, lol?" I asked the rhetorical question.
"Because these cities are generally cold and rainy?" Blake replied.
"Oh, how true!" I scratched my chin.
"Ever since Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars' became my favorite song from Grey's Anatomy, I wanted to come here. This place somehow called me," I told her.
Grey's Anatomy was set in Seattle, although the show was actually filmed in Canada, with only a few exterior shots taken here. Still, I dreamt a lot about this place. It's where Meredith told Derek, "Pick me, choose me, love me," and where my two favorite gay couples, Nico and Schmitt, got together.
"How have you been lately?" I asked Blake.
“Seattle is still not really my dream place, but the job is pretty cool. I've been waiting for some redemption since the beginning of 2020, but it hasn't come yet. Anyway, I’m hoping for the best," she described her life.
"Well, that's for sure. And yeah, I thought this year would be a big bang, but it's moving quite slowly," I spread my hands.
"How was it with Luke?" she asked.
"Surprisingly pleasant, but I was cautious. I didn't fall for him, which is good. I was proud of myself," I said contentedly.
"Be careful with him when you go back to San Francisco. You need to stand your ground, because you'll only suffer again. And you know, I was glad you visited, but not that you saw him," she said protectively. "I'm starting to realize that sometimes you don't need to close chapters, just let them go. Forever, without looking back. Maybe that would have been the best for Luke too. He treated you like garbage, you should have written him out of your life immediately."
"How true!" I sighed. "This was the last time I did something like that. If this first part of the decade was good for anything, it was for finally standing up for myself and not letting others take advantage of me."
She nodded, and we went up the Space Needle to see Seattle from above.
We spent great days together, and then it was time to say goodbye to Blake and Seattle. There was still one more day with Luke when I had to hold myself back.
Oddly enough, he was waiting with dinner, and I thought it must be a joke. This wasn't like Luke at all; he usually wanted us to go out for dinner, and of course, I would pay. But never mind, it felt good. And as we drank wine, we chatted.
"Do you remember that Madeon song? We listened to it a lot on your terrace," he said, moving his body a bit closer to the table.
“La Lune?” I asked. It was our so-called favorite song, or rather, our song together.
"Can I play it?" he asked, looking slightly nervous.
"Sure, why not. It's a little nostalgic after all."
As the song started playing, I shivered. The lyrics, the music itself... it captivated us, and we found ourselves in the middle of his living room, dancing to it. First separately, then getting closer to each other, and even closer. Our heads came together, and then we hugged each other.
"I missed you," he whispered in my ear.
"I missed you too, a lot," I said. I couldn't help it; I surrendered to the feeling.
"If you want to..." he began.
I felt like I knew what he wanted to say, so I quickly responded.
“That wouldn't be right. So much has happened. It was beautiful and good once, really, really good, but we shouldn't repeat it," I said as I sat on the edge of the bed.
