Happiness and Other Disasters, page 10
Emerald City
"Are you posing with a telephone booth?" Gaby asked.
"Well, of course!" I replied. "But I'd rather go inside; it's more cool.”
I must admit, this wasn't the first British thing we took photos with. There was a double-decker bus, and a very interesting hotel room toilet as well. Nearly 350 pictures in one day. After Hyde Park, we went to Westminster, Trafalgar Square, and walked along the Oxford Street. I felt like my life so far had been nothing but the Yellow Brick Road, and now I had arrived to the Emerald City. I didn't think about home or anyone who had been important to me before. I didn't even want to go back. I didn't really pay attention to the guys either because I instinctively blocked out everything that reminded me of my previous life. Of course, I called my parents, mostly out of duty. I felt guilty for not missing them; I was finally free.
"Gaby, this booth smells really bad. Hurry up!" So, welcome to London. And I quickly jumped out of it to find a less urine-scented one.
Gaby was constantly texting with Dominic, but well, if she was so in love. That idiot, on the other hand, was always causing drama and being jealous. A 30-year-old man shouldn't behave like that, but Gaby couldn't see clearly, so I didn't bother. At Buckingham Palace, I pondered what it would be like to be a member of the royal family, but being gay would probably complicate things. At the British Museum, I saw the first gay couple holding hands. It filled me with a sense of joy, and I smiled, but at the same time, I felt sadness. When will I have something like that? Gaby saw that something was off with me and asked on the subway. I told her, and she held my hand all the way to the hotel. That evening, I even told her that if I were capable of loving in that way, we would already be married. And it's true. In the guys I was with, I was always looking for Gaby's personality. She's kind of an ideal for me.
The second evening was the most beautiful of all. We went to see the musical Wicked, and I was transported to a completely different world there. I discovered many similarities between Elphaba, the lead character, and myself. Her attitude gave me strength to face the uncertain future and defy gravity. After the theatre, I saw another gay couple. They were cute, not harming anyone, and who knows, maybe their families had already disowned them. It's unfair how much our community goes through. Others wage wars, cheat on each other, or hypocritically preach about goodness while wanting to eradicate us. But we can't do anything except be true to ourselves and never give up, to love and create peace. This wasn't supposed to be some kind of propaganda speech because I know very well that there are two sides of the coin. A superior force gave us this, and many don't live with it the way they should. That's why there's so much stigma.
I loved Harrods on the third day. If I had to choose between guys and fashion, well, I would never cry over a Burberry coat, at least not once it's mine.
My previous fear of diversity completely disappeared. One day, while Gaby was resting, I took the bus around the city, having my headphones on, playing some epic music, and just watched people. I learned to look at them differently. After all, I'm different too. According to my dad, I'm not just different, I'm better. I believe I'm different, but better. And many of us feel the same way. We have to learn to live responsibly and teach others to do good. That's the task of the better ones, I believe. Brian Adams' ‘Here I Am’ helped with this feeling, playing in my ears the whole time. However, the farewell from London was rapidly approaching, and I didn't want to leave. This island offered something that I had never felt anywhere else.
On the last evening, we got lost quite badly and found ourselves in a rather ghetto area. Well, that wasn't pleasant at all, but it helped me realize that not everywhere is as good. But at least we saw the other side of London because everything has two sides, as I mentioned before. Before heading home, we visited the Westminster Abbey. I lit three candles: one for my departed loved ones and past loves, one for my parents and my nieces, and one for my future.
“I'm staying here, Gaby!” I said firmly.
“You can't stay. It would be great, but it's not possible,” she looked at me with wide eyes.
“Why not? The inheritance from Grandma is still there, and I can find some job.
She just shook her head.
“Everything is so much easier here. We're going home, and my dad will be there. He is up to something, I'm sure. I also need to talk to Jasper so I can let go. This is just so...”
“Watch out!” Gaby shouted.
She grabbed my arm and pulled me backwards. I was so focused on what I was saying that I almost fell onto the subway tracks.
“Phew...” - I let out a frightened sound.
“See! This is a sign that it's time to go home.”
Gaby said something. Fate allowed this much, even if it wasn't much, but it's more than nothing. And we gained experiences that will last forever. My ghosts returned too, even though I hadn't seen them for a week. Maybe they couldn’t come this far. Suddenly, I thought of Tristan, and he joined the spirits. But in a positive sense, like a memory, like someone who helps me find my way. Just like the others did.
On the way home, I wasn't bothered by all the maneuvers anymore, and I didn't feel nauseous. Gaby, on the other hand, was still preoccupied with people who looked like terrorists. At home, my parents were already waiting, and Gaby's mom was there too. I didn't even realize that I was back on the Yellow Brick Road. I arrived home, went up to my apartment, and filled it with memories. Strangely, our ghosts were not there with Tristan, neither at the kitchen counter nor in the bedroom. I made peace with the situation.
That night, after a long time, I dreamt again. This time, I think I glimpsed into an imagined future. I was sitting on the steps of the National Gallery. The square was completely empty. Only double-decker buses were passing by, but without drivers. I looked around, and everything was deserted. A sign was visible on the arch: "Be different, but better." I got frightened. Suddenly, pairs of people holding hands appeared on the square. Women with women, men with men, and men with women. They were all dressed in black. The typical British rain began to drizzle. Someone from the crowd released pigeons into the air. As the pigeons flew away, the square turned green like an emerald. The people also turned green. They smiled and kissed each other. Some people appeared, carrying a coffin. They placed it in the middle of the square, and I rushed over. They opened it, and it was me inside, old. I wanted to run away, but I saw that people were leaving small messages in the coffin. I took one out and read it: "You were the light when it was so hard." I no longer wanted to run away. I watched them as they happily embraced each other. They started singing a song. At first, I didn't understand, but then it became clearer. It was Lionel Richie's ‘Endless Love’. The most beautiful love song. I stood there and felt that I had achieved my purpose. Love had triumphed in that world. That was the true Emerald City. In my dream, it already existed. After the dream, many things stirred within me. Is this really my purpose in life? Am I meant for great things? Or am I just one among many? Who knows, but I knew that as long as there are dreams like this, hope for a better world will never die.
Chapter 13
The Psychologist, the Grail, and the Girl
The next month could be considered a period of happy peace. Everything at home returned to its usual, boring routine. We didn't talk about the topic again, but I was still convinced that something was about to come. However, it was good to see that harmony was restored between my parents and me. The day after we returned home was my graduation ceremony, which I had no desire for. We didn't invite any relatives, as I wasn't interested in them. Only my parents and Gaby were there. The VIP seats, of course, were occupied by my ghosts. I still hadn't managed to find Jasper, although I thought about him a lot during that time. It would have been nice to finally let go of him too.
"Didn't Dominic come?" I asked Gaby.
"No... we had a pretty nasty argument. It's better this way," she replied indifferently.
"What was it about this time?" I pressed the end of the question forcefully.
"All day long he wanted me to be with him. But once I promised to come here, I couldn't back out," she said, a bit tense.
"Do you want to marry him?"
At my question, Gaby raised her head and almost dropped the bouquet from her hands.
"I said yes to him. I love him. Why are you asking?" she countered.
She said something. I wasn't at my best either, but I didn't know why. Perhaps I was missing a companion and a place. A Tristan who wasn't me, and a London that wasn't my apartment.
"Hi, Gabriel! Congratulations!" said a familiar voice.
Tina interrupted Gaby's awkward question. Tina was also my classmate, but we were never particularly close. She graduated at the same time.
"Oh, thank you. Congratulations to you too! We did well!" I said with a smile.
Before she moved on, she added one more thing:
"My aunt would like to hear from you. Well, see you!"
"Do you know what she meant by that?" Gaby asked.
"I think... yes," I replied.
There was no time for further explanations; the ceremony was starting. But while listening to the speeches and chatting with Kiara and Vicky, and even when we took pictures together, only this one sentence echoed in my mind. I understood exactly what she meant. Once again, my past wouldn't let me go.
✥
Last summer, after my father discovered my secret relationship or let’s call it situationship, he tried to find a solution to this ‘problem’. Without my knowledge, he consulted a sexual psychologist for advice. The doctor apparently suggested to him that I should lose my virginity with a girl. However, my father presented the situation to me in a vague manner. So dear Dad brought up the idea that I should be with a girl, and then everything would be fine. At that time, I was completely terrified and bowed to his will, especially after he threatened to send me to some sanatorium after my last meeting with Tristan before he left for London.
We sat in a restaurant on an August Saturday afternoon, and he explained all of this in front of my mother, mentioning that he spoke to a prostitute who would come to me in a few days. I just sat there, completely frozen, like a fool, and agreed. What was I thinking at that time? Well, it doesn't matter. The day arrived, the big day. My dear parents had prepared everything in my apartment, where I wasn't living at that time yet, they put in chocolates, candles, and of course, some protections. The condom came in handy later. Can you imagine this bizarre situation? I felt like I was observing the events from the outside, a clear out-of-body experience. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with her, so I came up with the idea of paying her off and asking her to tell my father that it happened.
The apartment looked like a pleasure den, quite literally. They even turned on that red glowing Ikea lamp in the bedroom. Every part of me was trembling. Then the girl, lady, chick...whoever the hell, arrived. I don't remember her name, let's call her Violet, that sounds like a porn star. She was young and said she only did this occasionally. So she was just a bit of a whore. My father had paid in advance, and there was nothing left to do but proceed. We chatted in the living room, and that was enough for me. We could have gone shopping together instead. But she preferred to invite me into the bedroom. At that moment, I reconsidered whether I should pay her off. I didn't have the courage for it, and I thought, well, let's give it a try. I wanted to prove something to my father.
She started undressing and kissed me. I felt nothing. I didn't recoil, but she didn't evoke any reaction from me, not even when she was completely naked. She pulled me towards her breasts, but I didn't want to touch those. The situation was becoming awkward as I wasn't ready for this. She tried everything, I won't deny that. I closed my eyes and thought of Tristan. We were there in that bedroom where I had spent such a beautiful night with Tristan, and now this disgrace was happening right there.
Perhaps it wouldn't have been a problem if I could keep my eyes closed, but that would have been incredibly awkward. However, no life could be breathed into me down there. I felt terribly ashamed, humiliated. I was in such a bizarre situation that it was equivalent to an act of violence, except that I consented to it. A father should never do something like this, never! But he did, and I agreed and I was laying on the bed with a part-time prostitute next to me. Luckily, the girl said it could have happened because I am beginner. I didn't want to tell her to bring a guy and we will stay in bed all night. And that's the other thing, what would she do if she had to be with a girl or if a heterosexual guy had to be with another guy? People don't think about that?
Afterwards, the kind prostitute gave me a kiss before leaving, and we discussed she slept with men because she wanted to buy a horse. Oh my God...
By the way, she also commented on how wonderful it is that I have a romantic nature and that there's more to sex, so next time she'll bring some champagne to help me relax. Yeah, as if there would have been a next time! But it's true, I do love romance, especially when the partner has something hanging between his legs.
So, my future apartment became a prostitute-free zone again, and I could now say that I had been in that certain bed with not only a guy but also a girl. Then, as it turned out, Violet immediately spilled the beans to my father. She told him that things had happened to some extent, which was enough for my father to feel proud of himself.
However, this story didn't end there. While I was mourning Tristan's departure at home, my father scheduled another appointment...with the sexual psychologist, but this time, I had to go. The prostitute didn't come anymore because I had become determined enough to say no. I was curious about the psycho lady because I knew she was very famous in her field. And it turned out she was Tina's aunt. I found this out during our conversation about university when she asked if I knew a girl named Tina. Well, I did, and we even had classes together. I hoped that the truth wouldn't come out, that I had been receiving treatment from her aunt or something.
The doctor was really cool. I first told her about Tristan and how much this whole situation had affected me emotionally. Then came a test. She showed me pairs of photographs of human faces, and I had to decide which one I found more sympathetic. It went on for five minutes, she scribbled something on her papers, and then she spoke up:
"You are indeed homosexual. And moreover..."
Here, she pointed out my role in bed, which was indeed true but not relevant in this situation. But what truly surprised me was that she referred to me as homosexual. Okay, I am, but no one had ever said it to my face like that before. It was almost shocking to hear it spoken about me, even if it was true.
After the test, she reassured me that everything would be fine and explained safe sex because she said I should have a regular sex life and not suppress my desires, or else I would get cancer, blah blah. In the end, she asked if she should call my parents and tell them everything. Basically, the verdict.
Perhaps I should have let her do it, I don't know, but I didn't allow it. I walked out to the car, got in, and as if nothing had happened, we went home, and we haven't talked about it since. Of course, my father called to interrogate her, but since the doctor didn't say anything, he also thought she was an idiot. So it happened that within one summer, I met and lost the love of my life, was with a prostitute, and had a sexual psychologist proclaim what I am. Well, I already knew that...a human being.
✥
“Are you going to see her again?” Gaby asked me after the graduation ceremony.
“Yes, I think so. I have things to discuss with her,” I replied, holding my fresh, blue velvet-covered diploma in my hands.
And so I did. The next day, I called her, but unfortunately, she could only give me an appointment for the following week. I had plenty to do until then, and the cutoff scores were slowly revealed. That evening, Gaby and I went to the movies, and I received a text message saying that I got accepted to the master program. Since the cutoff score was lower than expected, Kiara, Vicky, and Lily also got in. I wasn't particularly thrilled about Lily, but oh well. The admission results weren't surprising compared to what happened the next day. Tristan called me to announce that he got accepted into the English program, so practically, we would be attending the same campus. He mentioned that he was dating someone, and I should have been happy about it, or maybe I was just indifferent to the whole thing. He really wasn't the person I had known. Fortunately, the campus was large, and we only saw each other from a distance. And speaking of dating, I also met a guy who seemed quite normal but inexperienced. However, I didn't want to pursue a relationship just yet until I fully closed the chapter of the past, and there were still a few things I needed to sort out with my father.
The psychologist then had to cancel the appointment because she fell ill, and we had to reschedule it for the end of August. Time quickly passed by. I rearranged my apartment again, ran errands, and planned my career. The magazine journalism training program initiated by one of the major publishing companies was slowly starting, and I submitted my application, although I found out that it would only begin in early November. Meanwhile, I grew closer to a guy, but since he was from the countryside, we only chatted online. I mostly thought of him as a friend, but I knew he would soon move to the city to start studying here. He was young and inexperienced, just like me a year ago.
At the end of the month, I went on a quick vacation with my parents, and surprisingly, my father was quite normal. Besides the basics, we talked about other things as well. It's worth mentioning that he started exercising and often went to the gym. My mother and I couldn't figure what is behind this sudden change. I leaned towards male menopause, and she thought it was midlife crisis.
The first year of my master's program was fast approaching. As for my part, I no longer hid my orientation and didn't pretend in front of anyone. I knew I wasn't a bad person. I had my friends, my plans, and everything else I loved in life. Well, except for sex, because since Jasper, I hadn't been with anyone, but I didn't want casual sex just for the sake of it. I wasn't that kind of person. Although I had many one-time dates, they didn't lead to one-time sex, although okay, it happened once, and I regretted it since then.
