The Little Lies We Hide, page 18
Just now.
* * *
Bradley stood a few feet away, trying to decide how he was going to do this. A huge part of him wanted to go nuclear on Cassandra for what she had done, but the sensible part of him figured she had probably paid that debt many times over. Still, just yelling at her would make him feel better.
For a minute or two.
And accomplish nothing.
He sat down beside her but said nothing. The spot looked familiar, perhaps a little aged, like them. She had been the one to come find him that night. Felt like their lives had come full circle.
He watched her from the corner of his eye play with the rings on her left hand.
“I was remembering the last time we were here,” she finally said.
“We’re not teenagers anymore.”
“No, we’re not.”
They stared ahead, neither saying more. Bradley was fighting the feelings he’d had for her back then with how he felt right now.
“That was,” he said, “not exactly what I’d expected to find out when I came home for Mom’s funeral.”
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am,” she said. “I made so many mistakes, liked to blame David for them, and believed protecting my secret was the right thing to do.”
He said nothing.
“But I was wrong,” she said. “I’ve lied enough, but it’s time I learn to live in the truth, if that makes sense?”
He remained silent. She continued to turn her rings.
“I honestly never even considered that Angel could be yours when I first realized I was pregnant,” she said. “It was just the one time.”
“Still.”
“I know.” She pulled the rings off her finger and held them in her hand. “I’ve lived the punishment for my mistakes a thousand lifetimes, trust me. Oh Brad, I messed up so bad.”
“Yeah, you did.”
“I’m afraid I might have lost Angel,” she said. “I have never seen her so hurt. What I did was worse than David ignoring her all these years.”
Bradley looked at her. “I know she’s hurting. I’d guess a lot more than I am. Even though I feel cheated right now, she has to grasp that she isn’t who she thought she was. That would be difficult for anyone. She’s going to need some time.”
“I love her so much,” Cassandra said. “All these years, she’s been my world, and I really thought I was protecting her. What was I thinking?”
He couldn’t answer that. All he knew was that they would have to get past this somehow, all of them, David and Emily too. For the first time in a long time, his stance toward his brother softened a bit.
But he was still David. It was best to remain cautious. Bradley didn’t think this was going to change his brother’s mind at all about selling the bakery. It might make him more determined, give him another wrong he feels needs to be righted.
“I don’t need these anymore,” she said and tossed her rings into the creek. “Reminds me too much of everything I destroyed.”
“You could have sold those,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.
“I wouldn’t want another woman to wear them,” she said. “Bad karma.”
He nodded. Time passed by in silence. It wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. It was needed.
“That night,” she said, and couldn’t continue. He waited. “I came looking for you because I really needed you. Not just physically, but emotionally.”
They looked at each other, an ocean of hurt scattered across years of lost possibilities buried in lies and denial. A golden retriever ran up to them, barked a couple of times, which startled them, and returned to his owner, who apologised.
“I know,” he said when stranger and dog had moved on.
“He called me the next day but I told my mom to tell him I wasn’t feeling well. He called every day and my mom told him the same thing every time. I couldn’t get the image out of my head, seeing him and Josée in your dad’s truck. Finally, he decided to come over and I was going to break up with him, but he promised me that nothing had happened between him and Josée. She’d been having trouble with her car and had needed a ride to get to work in Barrhaven, so he’d driven her and when he came back, I was gone.”
“Did he get lost coming back?” Bradley said.
Cassandra offered him a sad smile. “Before I could ask him that, he started to promise me he’d make it up to me for missing my birthday, and like I told you before, I just couldn’t say no to him.”
Bradley looked away.
“And then when I realized I was pregnant and told him,” she said, “I had never seen him so happy.”
“So what happened?”
“I think maybe it was when Angel turned three, or maybe it was four,” she said. “I don’t quite remember. But that’s when he started to shut me out.”
“Do you think he suspected about Angel?”
She shrugged. “I always thought he was her dad. I mean, you and I had that one night. I didn’t think I was ovulating, but I was such a mess. I think I forgot to take my pill for a few days. Anyway, when Angel was around three, I started to notice things like she used her left hand a lot, her hair colour, her eyes. So I had both their DNA tested.”
“And you never told him?”
“I couldn’t,” she said. “I had to think about Angel. He was her father.”
“But she was young enough that she would have been fine if you’d left him then.”
A pained expression crossed her face. “I think I was afraid of being alone, of failing in her eyes. She was all I had and I didn’t want to lose her too.”
He nodded.
“You were gone,” she said. “I had it in my head that you must hate me, especially as the years passed and you never came back. I had driven you away. Depriving Angel of the father she knew seemed worse than keeping a secret.”
“But he ignored her, is what I keep hearing.”
“He worked crazy hours to provide for us,” she said. “That’s what I told her. Most of it was true. We can’t complain in that respect. We have way more than we need.”
“I never hated you,” he said. “I stayed away because I couldn’t get you out of my head. I should have told you how I felt long before that night.”
“You’re not to blame,” she said. “I loved having you as my best friend and I didn’t want to lose that. Until that night, I actually hadn’t realized that you meant more to me than just being my friend. Which is why I tried to break up with David, but, well, we know that didn’t happen. When he’s nice, he’s so addictive. I know it’s hard for you to believe. I loved you both, but I was so sure he was the father.”
“So, what happens now?”
She pursed her lips and pulled something on a chain from her shirt. She rubbed it between her fingers.
Bradley realized it was the pendant he’d given her. Seeing her still wearing it while she had tossed her wedding rings into the creek jumbled his feelings.
Cassandra and Kate.
How could he even be thinking this? Cassandra had, for lack of a better way of looking at it, stolen a part of his life that he couldn’t ever get back. His feelings for her should be dead. Kate was everything he wanted now.
“I have a daughter I need to make amends with,” she said. “After that, I have no idea.”
“We have a daughter,” he said.
A cringe crossed her face. “Yes. We. But she doesn’t hate you right now.”
“No, I guess she doesn’t.”
He felt a spark of anger ignite in him, but it didn’t last. Staying angry with Cassandra wouldn’t give him back the years he’d lost. What he needed to figure out now was where his life stood.
Bradley had come here to bury his mother and instead had found out that he had a daughter. He hadn’t planned on staying, but now he wasn’t sure he could leave again.
TWENTY-ONE
Emily stood at the edge of the sitting room, alone with David, pondering her next move. She knew he wasn’t about to let go of his plan to sell the bakery, so she had to find a way to make him see that that wasn’t in his best interest. The family business was thriving again and she was confident that she could keep it going that way for years.
She knew the bakery sat on a big piece of land, and maybe they could sell some of it, but Great-Grandma Sarah had founded that business in an era when women didn’t do such things and it killed Emily to think that everything her great-grandmother had accomplished would be for nothing.
But right now, she was tired, and a duel with David wasn’t really what she wanted to take on.
“Why don’t you just go?” she said. “Everyone is gone and I’m sure you’re not waiting for any of them to return. Besides, I need to call the funeral home and plan Mom’s service.”
“I’m meeting someone,” he said.
“You can’t be serious,” she said, losing her composure. “You’ve got someone coming to see the house? I told you, the house isn’t yours to sell.”
“Not the house,” he said, looking at his watch, “the bakery. I have a client coming at six.”
“Get out,” she said, shaking her head. “Mom died yesterday and you already have a client? You can wait for him in your car if you want, but right now I don’t want you here.”
David stood, put his glass on the coffee table, and walked past Emily without uttering a word.
“I don’t understand why you’re so dead set on doing this,” she said as he stepped onto the porch and held the door open for a second, “and I’m sure Mom hadn’t expected you to do this either. She trusted you with that deed.”
David walked away, the door closed, and Emily was left alone with her anger. She couldn’t let him do this. It wasn’t right. If only her mom had talked to her about it, maybe the two of them could have come up with a better alternative. As angry as she was with her mother, she was more disappointed that her mom hadn’t trusted her with this part of the renovation plan.
Emily needed to warn Jeanine, so she phoned her and told her to expect a visit from David. After she hung up, she walked up to the front window and peeked at the bakery across the street. She could feel her heartbeat against her chest and her face get warmer. There had to be a way to stop David.
“What’s all the arguing for?” Henry said.
Emily screamed. “Jesus, Dad! I didn’t hear you coming down the stairs.”
“What were you and David talking about?”
Emily was tired of standing and flopped onto the sofa chair, her head resting against the back cushion, her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. A day—that’s all it had been since her mom had died and left this mess behind.
A damned long day.
“How did you sleep?”
Henry made his way to the couch and sat on the edge, his back straight, his hands together between his knees. “Okay, I guess.” He ran a hand over his bald head. “I keep seeing things that aren’t real.”
Emily sat up. “Yes.”
“I’m becoming unpredictable.”
“Unfortunately.” She couldn’t look at him. “It’s not your fault, Dad. But the disease seems to be progressing more quickly lately. I have no idea how long we have until . . .”
“You have to put me in a home.”
She could feel the hands of guilt around her throat. “I’m sorry.”
“Brad is here?”
“Yes, he came home for Mom’s funeral.”
“When did she die?”
“Just yesterday, Dad.”
“One day.”
“One lousy day.”
She watched her father. It was so nice to be able to talk to him, but not knowing how long it would last, she pressed on. Maybe he’d have answers for her.
“David wants to sell the house and bakery.”
Henry frowned. “Did he say why?”
She shook her head. “He won’t say, other than that Mom gave him the bakery for the loan he gave us. Seems strange that Mom wouldn’t have mentioned this to me. Why would she do that? If David does really have the signed deed, I don’t think we can stop him. But I have power of attorney for the house, in case you’re not able to manage.”
“Your mother and I thought it was best to give it to you,” he said. “I guess she didn’t tell me about the deed either, or I’ve forgotten if she did.”
“So that’s what we were arguing over . . . amongst other things.”
“Where is everyone?”
Emily had an edge to her laugh. “Dad, it’s been one crazy day.”
“I have something for you,” he said and headed up the stairs.
“Dad?”
“Hang on.”
“Will this day never end?” she mumbled to herself. “I just want to run away. Maybe Brad can stay and I’ll move to Vancouver. Worked for him.”
“Who you talking to?” Henry said when he returned.
“No one,” she said and let out a sigh that was full of hysterical tension. It would be so much easier to just let David have his way. She could find a job somewhere. But the bakery wasn’t just a business, it was her life. “What’s that in your hand?”
“Your mother made me swear that I’d give this to you before I couldn’t remember where I’d put it,” he said and handed her an envelope. “It was just in my sock drawer but I figure I’d better give it to you now.”
Emily reluctantly took it. Stared at it. Flipped it back and forth. Ripped it open.
“Do you know what it’s about?”
“No,” he said. “Or I forgot.”
Emily unfolded the papers and began to read the letter her mom had left. The words told a tale that stole her breath. Family secrets she had never known inked on 8 by 11 sheets of white paper held between trembling fingers. The words both enlightened and infuriated her, exposed her mother in ways she couldn’t have ever fathomed.
They had all lived a lie.
Emily glared at her dad but couldn’t quite find the strength to be mad at him as he sat there, an almost childlike glow on his time-aged face. The one person she was most angry with was her mom—not just because of these secrets she had chosen to keep hidden all these years, but also for not being here to explain why she had kept the truth from them.
She grabbed her phone and texted Bradley.
She heard a buzz.
His phone was on the side table, by the fireplace.
“We have to find Brad,” she said to her dad. “He needs to read this.”
“Who?”
Emily started to laugh one of those maddening laughs that comes when you’d rather scream. This had been the worst day possible, and this letter didn’t help. If nothing else, maybe she finally understood her brother David’s motives.
TWENTY-TWO
Bradley and Cassandra sat quietly staring at the creek, looking like a couple just enjoying a beautiful early-September Saturday afternoon by the brook instead of two people trying to piece together truths and lies that had completely disrupted their lives. Bradley still couldn’t believe Cassandra had just tossed her rings into the muddy water, but he understood the symbolic significance of her need to cleanse herself of everything in her past that reminded her of the mistakes she had made.
There was no one else to blame.
Had it been a burden to her? He couldn’t begin to understand how horrible it had to have been for her to keep that secret for so long, and he could see that it had cost her more than a marriage. She wasn’t the same person he had known. She had paid dearly for her mistakes.
He knew he would need to forgive her, because staying angry with her would only drain him emotionally. Of course what she had done was horrible, but it wasn’t unforgiveable. A person always had the power to choose to give forgiveness or not. Forgiving opened the door to move on and rebuild.
And that’s what he wanted.
He and Cassandra had a daughter and he wanted to get to know her. Angel didn’t need him and Cassandra to hate each other. She’d already grown up with parents like that.
“What are you thinking?” she said.
“How can I leave again?” he said. “I have a daughter.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
He turned to her and waited until she looked at him. “We need to decide right now how we’re going to push past this. I know you’re sorry, and I still have anger inside of me, but neither will change what happened, so, I propose that this is the last time you tell me you’re sorry, and I’ll do whatever I need to do to let go of my anger and forgive you.”
She put her hand on her pendant. “That would mean the world to me, to know that you don’t hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said in a voice that sounded tired and worn. “You shouldn’t give up your life out west with Kate. Angel is old enough to go visit you, and you could come visit too.”
“That’s one choice,” he said. “But it would feel like being a weekend dad. Angel and I would never really get to know each other.”
“I’m sor—” she started to say but stopped. “It’s going to be hard not to keep apologizing.”
“I know.”
“Maybe you and Kate could move here?”
He shook his head. “This place is so not Kate. Maybe I could fall back into my old life, but I can’t ask her to give up everything she’s worked for her whole life.”
“Could you really?”
He shrugged. He thought of the conversation he and Kate had had just yesterday morning and he didn’t know that he could go back to Vancouver and marry her knowing what he had back home—and he wasn’t thinking of Cassandra.
He was thinking of Angel.
And he didn’t want to run off on her. She had just learned that her dad wasn’t her dad, that her uncle wasn’t her uncle, and that her mom had lied to her for eighteen years. His desire to stay was very simple in nature. He had a daughter and he really wanted her in his life. Maybe they’d never be true father and daughter, but if he ran off again, he knew that they never would.
