Bag a Boyfriend, page 15
“You tell me that now?” she hissed, wishing she’d taken the opportunity to speak with Jane.
“So, Jane,” she said brightly, turning to her, “how are your kids?” Out of the corner of her eye she noticed Charles shift. “Did I tell you, William, that Jane works in early childhood?” She managed to include Charles in this comment. All three turned to look at Jane, who suddenly looked self-conscious.
“Well,” she said to her plate, where she pushed around a delicacy with her fork, “the kids are always growing, developing, learning new things. They have a resiliency that...” Her voice faltered but she cleared her throat and looked up. “We can learn a lot from children. They are often overlooked and not taken seriously.”
Lizzy winced, hoping this wasn’t levelled at Charles, but Jane’s face was clear and there was no malice in her voice.
“I remember you telling me how hard it was to leave them – even for a week,” Charles offered. His voice faltered as Jane turned her gaze on him, but he smiled at her. “I remember thinking how–how important your work was to you and I wanted to feel that passionate about...anything.”
William leaned back in his chair, looking out the door, “Lizzy, it looks like Gina needs us. Charles, can you keep Jane company till we get back?” He stood and offered Charles his chair which was taken with alacrity.
That was a bit heavy-handed but Lizzy rose also, pulling a face at William. He glared at her chair until she turned back with a sigh. “Jane, would you…?”
Jane looked up at her, then over at Charles who was busily swapping plates, then back at Lizzy again, lost. Lizzy nodded encouragingly and Jane’s obliging nature won out as she moved chairs. Lizzy pushed down a twinge of guilt, she was only helping Jane do something she already wanted to do.
William walked past the kitchen and into the entrance, surprising Lizzy by sweeping her into his arms. She squeaked.
“You almost ruined that for us, Mister.”
“I think I salvaged it in the end,” he said and leant down to kiss her.
Lizzy allowed herself to be carried away by his touch till a sound alerted her that they weren’t alone and she jerked back.
“Don’t mind me,” Charlotte said, with a grin on her face, when Lizzy spotted her. “I was heading for the bathroom, they said it was down here.”
“How are things in there?” Lizzy asked, tilting her head back towards the dining room.
“Caroline took a phone call and I think Bill is flirting with your mother.” Lizzy made an involuntary movement forward but stopped herself at the look on Charlotte’s face, she did not want to interfere in her mother’s life. “But you mean the golden couple, don’t you? They’re fine, they’ve got a little space from everyone else, heads together, talking. I think it’s finally working, so long as you two stay out here.” She pointed at the floor. “Now, if you’ll excuse me?”
William looked caught out like a guilty schoolkid; he avoided eye contact with Charlotte and merely nodded. Lizzy laughed at him quietly and suggested they siphon guests off into the lounge. With some clever manoeuvring, all that were left in the dining room were “the golden couple” at one end of the table and Lizzy’s mum with Bill at the other. Caroline was nowhere to be found.
“You don’t suppose she’s rifling through my underwear drawer?” William asked.
“Is that where you keep your valuables?”
Most of the waiters had left and Gina was serving coffee. Lydia, the one who perhaps needed it the most, was the only one who refused. She was currently dancing to music no one else could hear, under the night sky on the balcony, while Kitty hovered in the doorway.
Caroline appeared out of the night, narrowly avoiding a collision with Lydia who then tried to drag her into an embrace. She shook off Lydia, adjusted her dress and re-entered the house, glanced around the living room dismissing them all with a shrug. Gina offered her coffee as she headed for the door, but she refused rudely. When Lizzy came to Gina’s defence Caroline called them both “coffee girls”, collected her coat and was gone again.
“That was unpleasant,” Mary said coming up to pat Gina’s shoulder. “You did a great job.”
Charlotte and Mary left together with a “good luck” and a glance towards the dining room.
“Have your mother call me,” Charlotte said. “I’ve been trying to contact her for weeks. I didn’t want to talk shop tonight.” She hesitated a moment. “And if you want to talk more about work, call me.”
“Do you want to have lunch?”
“Sorry, I’m busy,” Lizzy said with a brief glance at Kitty.
After a moment Lizzy realised that Kitty had stepped away, then come back. She turned to look at her.
“Are you mad at me for dating Lydia, or not telling you I’m dating Lydia?” Her voice was high and several of the guys turned from their desks to look.
Lizzy blinked. “No, I’m in the middle of invoicing and I have lunch plans with Jane.” She held up one finger, saved her work and gestured for Kitty to follow her to the kitchen.
They leaned against opposite cabinets; Lizzy wanted to step forward to hug Kitty but her arms were folded across her chest, practically screaming ‘do not touch me’.
“You barely talked to me at the party. You haven’t said a word to me all day.”
“It looked like you had your hands full at the party—” Lizzy stopped as Kitty tensed further, she reassessed. “I’m sorry. You’re right, I have been glued to my screen and ignoring everyone today, including you. And maybe I was a little blindsided seeing you with Lydia. You told me you were seeing someone but you didn’t say who. And maybe, yeah, I was a little…jealous. That’s on me. I’m sorry.” When Kitty finally looked at her she turned her gaze to the floor. “We’re friends and you deserved better than that.”
Kitty smacked her lips. “A part of me didn’t want to tell you, to tell all the girls, that I was dating Lydia. We made so much fun of her at the viewing parties. And she’s kind of a mess,” Kitty snorted a laugh that shifted into a wry smile, “but she’s also great and so much fun.”
Lizzy shrugged. “You like who you like.” She glanced out the kitchen door. “I don’t tend to live my personal life at work,” she explained, turning back, “partly because until recently I didn’t have a personal life. But that’s a whole other thing.” She ran her hands through her hair, having a life outside of work was not sustainable with her workload. “I do have lunch plans though. Do you want to maybe get a drink after work or have lunch tomorrow instead?”
Kitty nodded, her body language softening as she released her folded arms. Maybe the reason Lizzy hadn’t had friends before wasn’t because they’d all moved away, but because she just wasn’t very good at keeping them. She reached for Kitty’s arm, a soft touch.
“I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be better, or at least I’ll try. Just, you know, call me out.”
Kitty smiled at her and the tension inside Lizzy’s chest eased.
“Am I a good friend?” she asked Jane at lunch.
“Lizzy, you’re a lovely friend. I’m glad you’re my friend,” Jane said sincerely.
“Kitty accused me of being pissed at her for keeping Lydia from us, and maybe I was a little. But I did the same thing. None of you knew I was dating William till after the finale.”
Jane pursed her lips. “With the production…you wouldn’t want anyone to know…right?”
“Well, yeah. But I couldn’t confide in my friends?” She shook her head to clear the thoughts. “I don’t know, I’m being weird, ignore me. I wanted to ask how you were after the party?” It was the entire motivation for this lunch.
“Oh, I was fine. No hangover, I was pretty careful. I’ve been drinking so much more than I usually do with our girls’ nights.”
“Tell me about it. I’m almost glad William goes away for work, I drink so much when he’s around. Oh, wow, that sounds bad, I mean he does own a vineyard. But anyway, that wasn’t what I meant.” She took a deep breath and chose her words carefully, “How did you feel about seeing Charles again?”
“It was a good party. I hope that we’ll keep in contact even though the show is over,” Jane said avoiding eye contact and sipping her drink.
Lizzy couldn’t help but smile.
“Stop it, Lizzy.” She set her drink down. “I understand him better now, he’s…nice…charming…he was…going along with the show. It didn’t mean anything.”
Lizzy nodded, smirking. “Nice. Charming,” she echoed.
“It was a fleeting thing.”
“Fleeting, right.” Lizzy didn’t believe her.
“I’m not–I’m not saying the show wasn’t a positive experience. I met you.” She smiled fondly at Lizzy and touched her hand. “I learnt a lot about myself. I grew. I–I started therapy again. I don’t think I’m the same person I was before the show, during the show.”
Gina had said something similar; she was in therapy too.
“Maybe I should start therapy,” Lizzy mused aloud. “Work on my Daddy issues.” And my underlying questions about my sexuality. And why I didn’t have friends. And why I over commit myself at work. “And…other stuff.” She wasn’t who she’d been at the start of filming either.
The waitress delivered their meals; Lizzy noticed that for the first time that Jane dove straight in.
LIZZY: It didn’t work. I can’t believe it didn’t work
WILLIAM: Jane and Charles you mean?
LIZZY: All that work, wasted. What do we do now?
WILLIAM: You can’t push people into love
WILLIAM: Yes, I am aware that is literally my job. Sometimes
LIZZY: What do we do? How do we fix this?
WILLIAM: I don’t know if we can
Lizzy threw her phone down in disgust. She wanted to argue that he should be supporting her but it didn’t seem like he wasn’t. She reached down and picked her phone up again.
LIZZY: I feel like a failure
If she was being honest it felt like she was failing in every aspect of life. Not only had she failed to reunite Jane and Charles but things at work hadn’t been great either. When she wasn’t working crazy hours she couldn’t handle the workload and Denny had rejected her idea for hiring a cultural advisor.
WILLIAM: Anything I say can’t change the way you feel
She rolled her eyes.
WILLIAM: I don’t think you’re a failure
She smiled; for now that would have to do.
Happy Endings
“I don’t know how to get them together. Jane seems have to given up!” Lizzy dropped back on the pillows in frustration.
William smiled down at her as he threw a pair of socks into the open suitcase at the bottom of the bed.
“What’s the prayer that the alcoholics say? God, grant me the serenity…” he ducked the pillow Lizzy threw at him and laughed.
“It’s admirable that you want your friends to be happy, but you need to, um, admit...realise...? understand...? understand that they are in control of their actions. Just as you are in charge of yours. Which includes not throwing another pillow at me. Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing.”
Lizzy sighed and released the pillow.
“Jane’s too stuck in traditional gender roles to ever make a move – and she’s got a fear of rejection too. Charles is such a spineless twit he won’t make a move unless you tell him to…”
“Hey! That is my friend you’re calling a spineless twit!” He turned from the wardrobe, hands on his hips, ready to fight, but there was laughter in his voice. He was building up a head of steam for one of their classic arguments but Lizzy forestalled him.
In a slowing, marvelling voice she repeated, “…unless you tell him to… That’s it!” She lurched into a sitting position. “William, you have to call Charles! You have to tell him–tell him to–to kiss Jane! No, that’s too much. To ask Jane out.” She swung her head wildly from side to side. “Where’s your cell phone?”
“In my pocket. But honey, I can’t. I’ve sworn off meddling.” His hands dropped to his sides. “They’re adults. They have free will. If they like each other, they’ll figure it out.”
“No, but I—” she was almost crying in frustration. This was the last time she’d see him for a month and she was ruining it. She should be focusing on him instead.
William perched on the edge of the bed next to her, putting his hand on her leg.
“I know. I want to make everything right too. I got him into this mess. Both of them. You really think Jane is genuinely interested in Charles? No–no, I’m not doubting,” he said quickly as she began to bristle. “Charles is into her. We give them space to sort it out themselves. That’s all we can do.”
He leaned forward and kissed her. “I like that you want what’s best for people. And I like the sound that you make when I kiss you here…” his mouth moved to her neck. She giggled and fell back on the bed, William on top of her.
Something he’d said stuck in her mind – “you only want what’s best for people”. That sounded suspiciously like what her mother always said when she attempted to force Lizzy into a date – or a dating show – “I only want what’s best for you.” Adding that to her mental list of things to discuss at therapy, she pushed her mother out of her mind so she could focus on the delicious sensations William was provoking.
She’d found her happy ending. She wasn’t going to manufacture one for Jane and Charles; they could find their own.
Outro
KITTY: Look what I found! We can discuss at girls’ night, I’ll remind Gina it’s her turn to host
(Screenshot with annotations)
It’s been a year since Bag a Boyfriend, the local reality show that became a cult classic thanks to the internet, graced our screens. Images of the show have been turned into GIFs and memes, now used by people who have no idea of their origin. What did we do before the internet?? We decided to check in on the cast to find out where they are now.
Mary, the first contestant to leave the show, has also left town. She earned her doctorate in literature and now teaches at Lincoln University. Yes Dr Mary!
Charlotte is a prominent voice in the local business community. Her accounting firm specialises in fostering women-owned and new businesses.
Lydia announced her engagement to a woman online last year but seems to have finished experimenting – her social feed now has photos of her with a man. Bi-erasure.
Caroline had a brief stint as a local spokesperson but after rumours surfaced that she was difficult to work with she cut her contracts and can now be seen as background talent on our nation’s favourite soap Shortland Street.
Like Caroline, Jane’s face has been seen all over town promoting local businesses. Unlike Caroline, she remains as approachable and down to earth as she ever was.
Lizzy, the “winner” of the season, is dating one of the producers from the show in a long-distance relationship and working alongside Charlotte as her business manager.
In the grand tradition of reality TV couples, Charles and Lizzy appear to have broken up by the time of screening. But in an interesting twist Charles has been seen about town with the runner up, Jane. There appears to be no animosity as the couple have been spotted double dating with Lizzy and her man.
There are rumours of a second season, with Charles, following in the footsteps of Bachelor Art Green, coming on board as host. Is this true??
LIZZY: I’m sure William would have mentioned it. Unless he wasn’t allowed to because of his contract
JANE: I’m asking Charles right now
CHARLOTTE: Do you suppose they’ll need someone to manage the finances?
MARY: If it’s true I demand virtual screenings #charliesangels
LIZZY: #friendsforlife
Acknowledgements
In January 2022 I attended a virtual book club meeting of the Hawai’i branch of the Jane Austen Society of North America, we were discussing a modern novel based off one of Austen’s classics. The attendees were appalled that the author didn’t credit Jane Austen in her acknowledgements while I guiltily attempted to recall if I’d ever mentioned her in my own, despite all my books being derivative of her work. With that in mind my first acknowledgement is Jane Austen. Without her writing I would be a different person, this book would not exist, none of my books would exist, I might not be a writer and would never have met some of my dearest friends. I wish I had a fraction of her talent and dedication, her resoluteness in a society that didn’t her value her brain (or indeed her body for anything other than childbearing).
Reality TV is a guilty pleasure for me. The shows I feel the most drawn to are those that delve into human relationships and love – The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Married at First Sight. I eagerly watched the few local seasons of these shows, each with a slant that made them more relevant than the international versions. I wasn’t into the drama, I didn’t want to see cat fights or highly choreographed arguments; I wanted to see the human connection. As drama took over more and more of the reality TV formats, the truth was left behind and people were being used like puppets, their emotions left in the dust. I wanted to explore this a little on a smaller scale.
A show that does this fantastically is Unreal, which I binged while house sitting for friends in their gorgeous house just out of Ōtaki several years ago. I identified strongly with the lead even though in many ways she’s very different from me. It showcases the hidden underbelly of reality TV, the scheming that goes on. I loved it but it is too painful and drama filled to ever rewatch.
This is not the first book to deal with a dating show, nor is it the first based on Pride and Prejudice. Curtis Suttenfield’s Eligible was part of the Austen project which attempted to recreate all of Austen’s novels in a modern setting, her contribution to the project moved the furthest from the original. It’s a shame the project was never completed, Persuasion and Mansfield Park proved too difficult to modernise perhaps.
