Never Forget You, page 32
Her little eyebrows shot up. ‘Really?’
‘Yes, really.’
She let out a squeal so piercing he was sure his eardrums must be bleeding. ‘I got a fairy and a daddy in the same day? Just wait until I tell Auntie Nee-nee!’ And then she ran off in the direction of the exit, all thoughts of further fairy hunting forgotten.
Ben walked behind her, calling out now and again to make sure she didn’t get too far ahead, and as he walked he took in the weathered peaks of the mountains, the dense green of the pine trees. He could see the grey stone and slate of the majestic castle turrets rising before him and smell a hint of salt on the air as it blew in from the loch, and he realised what else was making him feel light inside: for the first time in his life, maybe, he was happy to be home.
Chapter Sixty-Three
Now.
‘YOU WERE AMAZING in there!’
Lili turned to see her sister striding down the courthouse corridor towards her and gave Lo a weak smile. They should have attended a hearing regarding her application for the non-molestation order against Justin while she’d been missing, but her solicitor had managed to explain her unexpected absence and reschedule. Today had been the day.
‘I mean, you were calm, clear … very convincing.’ Lo wrapped her arms around Lili and squeezed tight.
‘I didn’t feel very calm and clear,’ she mumbled against her sister’s shoulder.
‘But the judge granted the order. She believed you. Justin can’t come near you again, or he’ll be arrested.’
Some of the tension Lili had been feeling all day ebbed away. It was wonderful to hear someone say those words out loud. ‘It’s just the beginning, though,’ she said. ‘I’ve decided I’m going to join some of the other women who’ve come forward and press charges. For the stalking and harassment since we separated for sure. The coercive control while we were married …? Well, even though the laws have changed, it might not fly.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Lo said, releasing her. ‘I’m proud of you for even trying. It’s like I’ve come back from honeymoon to find a whole new you!’
They began to walk towards the exit. ‘I think the intensive therapy has been helping, but … I don’t know … it’s not just that. I know I can’t remember anything from the time I was missing, and I have no idea what I did, but I feel different. It feels like something has shaken free, Lo. It’s as if part of me remembers it even if I don’t.’
Lo gave her a strange look. ‘I know it’s early, but I think you deserve a cocktail – my treat!’
‘Where on earth are we going to get a cocktail down Bromley High Street on a Thursday afternoon?’
But Lo being Lo, they found somewhere, a hip little bar tucked away down a side street that did food as well. When they’d worked their way through one espresso martini each and most of a plate of nachos, Lo said. ‘Are you serious about wanting to know what happened while you were away?’
Lili scooped up the last remaining bit of guacamole with the corner of a tortilla chip. ‘Of course. It’s most unsettling to feel as if there’s a great black hole in my brain where some of my memories should be. Every day I wake up and I get this vague sense that something’s missing, like my brain is trying to tell me there’s something important I need to know, and I wonder if those missing days are the key.’
Lo nodded seriously, and then she reached into her handbag and produced an old iPhone. ‘This was found in the ladies’ toilet at the wedding venue. They sent it on. It arrived while I was away.’
Lili glanced at the phone. ‘So?’
‘It’s yours.’
Lili laughed nervously. ‘No, it isn’t. I just got a new one, actually, to replace the one I lost on the way to Scotland.’
‘It’s definitely yours,’ Lo said, holding it out. ‘I saw you with it when you came back. Someone gave it to you to use when you were missing.’
Lili took the phone from her sister. ‘But you’ve been back from honeymoon for almost two weeks. Why didn’t you say anything sooner?’
‘To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I should give it to you. I was tempted just to hide it and never say anything. I’ve been in full-on Mamma Bear mode since we found you again, if you hadn’t noticed.’
Lili gave her sister’s arm a rub and chuckled. Yes, she had noticed, but this was why she loved Lo.
‘Anyway,’ Lo continued, looking down into her lap, ‘when your memories came back, I made a decision that I’m now second-guessing. I wonder if maybe I was being overprotective, even a bit controlling – and that’s the last thing you need after Justin. And then I saw how strong you were today and I realised I wasn’t giving you enough credit.’
‘Wh-what’s on it?’ Now her wish had been granted, she realised she was nervous and curious in equal parts.
‘Everything. You did a really comprehensive job of documenting it all. Open the camera roll and go back a bit.’
Lili did what she was told, scrolling back to images dating from just after she’d disappeared. There were a few pictures of pine-clad mountains and then one of a little girl with pigtails and an irresistible gap-toothed grin. ‘Who’s this?’
Lo shrugged. ‘Absolutely no idea.’
There was a video of the same little girl, spinning around in a grassy clearing, and then a picture of a road sign: Welcome to Invergarrig. Lili frowned. That name was familiar for some reason. ‘This is where I ended up?’
Her parents had told her she’d turned up in a small Scottish town, but hadn’t mentioned which one. Maybe they hadn’t known the name. In fact, now she thought about it, they’d been quite tight-lipped about details of her disappearance, saying she hadn’t had much time to fill them in before her memories had come flooding back and she’d forgotten everything herself.
Lili continued flipping through the images. There were stations and departures boards, but then she came to a video taken on board a train, a guy with wavy dark hair who used his hands a lot while he explained the route they’d taken. Lili stared at it, even more confused than when she’d started watching.
Her mum had mentioned there’d been a man who’d helped her get home, but Lili had assumed the guy had merely assisted with looking up train times and routes. She’d also assumed the guy was a stranger.
But this was Ben Robertson, the guy she’d met in London who’d then ghosted her. Yet here he was in the flesh, not just helping her find the right platform but travelling with her, making sure she was safe. And the way he looked at her when she was behind the camera …
Lo took a sip of her cocktail and then answered the question Lili hadn’t yet asked. ‘Yes … He was the one who travelled five hundred miles with you. It was Ben the Bloody Photographer.’
‘I don’t understand … Oh! Invergarrig. That’s where Ben said he came from. Did I … Do you think I went there to find him?’
Lo gave her a look that said, the hell if I know.
‘Oh, my god! That’s why he was at the wedding! You invited him to say thank you! But …’ Lili’s eyes narrowed. ‘But why didn’t you tell me? When I asked you where the guy was, you said he couldn’t make it.’
Lo looked down at the table. ‘Well, I lied about that – at first because I thought it was better you didn’t get confused by seeing someone you’d met while your memory had been messed up, and later because I realised Ben-who-helped-you-get-home and Ben-who-you-met-five-years-ago were one and the same person.’ She met Lili’s gaze. ‘He hurt you so much last time you got tangled up with him. I thought maybe it was better to let things be.’
Lili stared at the phone again, not quite able to process all this new information. ‘If this is true, why hasn’t he got in touch since I’ve been home? Had he ghosted me – again?’
‘Ah, well … That might be my fault.’
Lili raised her eyebrows and waited for her sister to continue.
‘You’ve got to understand, Lil. It was very confusing for you when you got your memories back. None of us had any idea how to handle it, and the doctors had suggested you not get too stressed. I was worried you might slip away, forget you were Lili and become this “Alice” person again. Maybe forever. Then we’d never get you back. So I …’
‘Lo? What did you do?’
Lo sighed, looking pained. ‘I told him to go home and leave you alone, that he’d only be making things worse for you if he kept in contact. I thought it was for the best. I’m so sorry. But now I see how well you’re doing, I realise that maybe it wasn’t my choice to make whether he was still in your life.’
Lili wanted to be angry but she saw the guilt and remorse in Lo’s eyes and couldn’t stoke that fire. Lo had been stressed beyond belief when she’d gone missing. That had to have been bad enough on its own, but it had also been the week running up to her wedding. No wonder she’d got a bit overemotional. She could even imagine herself doing the same for Lo if their situations were reversed.
‘Why did he travel with me? And why did he disappear all those years ago?’
Lo nodded to the phone in Lili’s hand. ‘Everything you want or need to know is in there, in those photos and videos.’
Chapter Sixty-Four
Now.
LILI DIDN’T LOOK through the strange iPhone Lo had given her straight away. It was all too weird to think about. This was concrete evidence of her brain’s complete malfunction, wasn’t it? Images of places she’d never been to and people she’d never met. Except … she had.
She went to bed having stowed the phone in one of her kitchen drawers, but at two-thirty in the morning, unable to stop tossing and turning, she got up again, grabbing a soft, warm cardigan to throw over the top of her pyjamas. After putting the kettle on for a cup of tea, she pulled the unfamiliar phone out of the drawer and went and sat down on her sofa. Taking a deep breath, she opened up the camera roll.
First, she watched the most recent videos, ones of herself sitting in a hospital room explaining everything that had gone on both in that missing week, and why Ben had never got in contact all those years ago. Once she’d watched those, she went back to the beginning again, taking a bit more time over each photograph, even if it was a blurry departures board or a station platform.
When she reached the train video, the one she’d watched with Lo in the bar with Ben introducing himself, her insides fluttered exactly the same way they had when she’d met him in London. If only she’d known about his lost phone back then … She could have turned up at the garden the next summer as planned. Or even if she’d just given him the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst. They could have been together all this time. Maybe.
She shook her head, silently admonishing herself. There was no point in going down that route. What had happened, had happened. And then Justin had swooped into her life. By the twelfth of July the following year she’d been living with him. Besides, you couldn’t second-guess your own life, only deal with the choices you’d made. There were no do-overs.
And Justin was the choice she’d made. Yes, he’d brainwashed her, manipulated her, gaslighted her, but she’d chosen to ignore the red flags so many times, wanting to believe him when he said he’d change, that he’d try harder. She’d even chosen to go back – three times! – even when he’d been appalling to her. Looking back now, she could see it was a miracle she’d left at all.
To distract herself from those thoughts, she went back to the phone. After the train video were images of a generic-looking hotel, the outside of Penrith station, where there was also another video – her, this time, being a bit goofy and messing her words up.
Lili watched herself with wonder. In this video, she looked younger … No, that wasn’t it. It was that this version of herself didn’t look weighed down. She looked light and free. Happy. And even though she did a terrible job of summarising the travel situation, this woman wasn’t petrified she’d make a mistake, or that if she did, she’d be punished for it.
There followed some beautiful photos of a ruined castle in the snow. The next video she came to was of a snowball fight between herself and Ben. They were laughing and chucking lumps of snow at each other. It made her smile to watch it at first, but then she hiccupped a sob and tears began to flow.
Who was this woman who knew how to find joy in life?
There were two more videos after the snowball fight, the first, a sweeping shot of the scenery. She almost deleted the second one without looking at it, because the thumbnail showed a rather unflattering view of the underside of her chin, but when she pressed play she heard Ben talking, so she laid it down on the coffee table and listened.
What ensued was a ten-minute conversation. The visuals were terrible – it was obvious she’d hit the record button by accident after taking the previous video – but the conversation was gripping.
He was talking about why he’d given up photography, how he’d come back home to look after his niece … and then the whole story came out. His sister’s death. His guilt. It was heart-wrenching. Lili wanted to climb inside the phone and give him a hug.
And it was clear the Lili who’d been there at the time had felt the same way, because the scene went dark and the words become muffled. Lili guessed she’d slipped the phone into her pocket. His voice became louder, even though his was talking more softly, giving her the sense that the two of them had got closer. A lot closer.
‘Don’t …’ she heard herself say, and there was so much tenderness, so much intimacy in that single word.
And then there was silence for a few moments, and his voice come out, hushed and ragged, ‘This is a bad idea.’
Lili’s stomach swooped. She had a gut feeling of what was going on, but it almost felt too intimate to be listening in, as if she was snooping on someone else.
‘I know … but can we just … you know, stay like this for a moment?’ And then there was only breathing, soft and shallow, until the video ended.
Lili closed her eyes. Oh, she didn’t know if it had been a good idea to watch these. It felt as if she were seeing herself in a parallel life, but one she would never be able to find her way back to, one she would never be able to inhabit. Even so, she couldn’t stop scrolling through, exploring that forbidden landscape.
There were coaches, two girls and a guy with a car she didn’t recognise, a motorway service station. A cluster of pictures of musical instruments in what looked like someone’s study, but might have been inside the same hotel featured a few shots earlier. And then she came to another video.
It was the sound that grabbed her, right from the first split-second she heard it – music. But not just any music, a lone violin, and she recognised it … Lili covered her mouth with one hand, her body juddering with silent sobs.
It was her!
She was playing the violin! In the bandstand in Kensington Gardens, literally just a few hundred metres away from Justin’s flat. And she was playing with as much love and joy as she had done before she’d ever set foot in that blasted music school. The sound made her insides soar but also tore her to shreds with each pull of the bow.
How had she done that? She’d never played again after he’d dropped Octavia off the balcony of his flat, even though he’d paid to have her repaired and restored.
Every time she’d looked at the violin after that, she’d only been able to think of the way he’d looked at her that night. The stranger, she’d called him. A visitor who’d appeared more and more often after they’d tied the knot, even on their honeymoon. But it still took her years to work out he wasn’t a stranger at all, that it was the real Justin. It was the one who charmed and love bombed and made everyone adore him who was the decoy.
In the very last seconds of the very last video, the other her – Alice, as Lo had told her she’d named herself – looked Lili in the eye, very seriously, and spoke to her future self. ‘I’ve got one last thing to say before I finish this video diary and begin to rebuild my life, and it’s this … Don’t walk away from him again. Don’t forget Ben.’ Her face crumpled with emotion, then she took a breath and carried on. ‘He’s the sweetest, kindest, most loyal man you will ever meet. You messed up once not trusting him. Don’t make the same mistake again.’
Lili sat there, stunned, her heart aching. When she thought about the man in the videos, she didn’t doubt what she’d told herself one bit. But that was only half the equation wasn’t it? Ben might be Ben, and he might be all the wonderful things she’d said he was, but she wasn’t Alice. She wasn’t the woman he’d spent the last week with. She wasn’t even sure she was a shadow of that person.
After sitting there thoughtfully, the mug of tea going cold in her hands, Lili put it down, stood up and went into her bedroom, where she pulled some things from the bottom of the wardrobe until a hard, shiny case was revealed.
Octavia. Or as much of Octavia which had been able to be salvaged and rebuilt, which wasn’t much. She placed it on the bed and then, with shaking fingers, opened the catches and let the lid fall back onto the duvet. She almost closed it back up again, but then she heard the strains of music in her head, the music she’d heard on the video of her busking in Kensington Gardens.
It was quarter to four, so she picked up the violin and headed for her tiny bathroom in the centre of the flat, the only room without a window and probably the most soundproof. Once the door was firmly closed behind her, she drew a breath, not allowing herself to think too hard about what she was about to do, closed her eyes, and lifted the violin to her chin.
The first note was shaky. As was the second. But it was bearable. It was doable.
Faster and faster her bow arm began to move, falling into familiar patterns and rhythms, and then her whole body began to join in, swaying and dipping as she gave herself over to the sound. The notes hit the tiled surfaces and bounced back, reverberating through her, until all that was left was her and Octavia and the music they were creating together, filling every atom of her body and soul.
Chapter Sixty-Five
Now.
