Never Forget You, page 24
‘No. You’re wrong. It’s not like that between him and me. What makes you such an expert, anyway?’
‘Remember that girl I worked with a few years ago – Priya? Well, she had a girlfriend who was like that with her. I dunno …’ She shrugged and raised her hands, which was a bit more than her impaired balance centre could handle, and she had to step back to stop herself from falling over. ‘Sometimes, Justin gives me the same vibe.’
I shook my head and smiled, knowing she was going to be horrified with saying all of this in the morning. It was so utterly ridiculous I found I couldn’t even be angry about it. Yes, I knew Justin wasn’t perfect, that there were moments when he really upset me, but it wasn’t as bad as all that.
‘I mean, does he ever sulk or give you the silent treatment when he doesn’t get what he wants, keeps it up until you give in?’
I stopped smiling. ‘Well … Sometimes. But so did you, Lo, when we were growing up!’
Lo narrowed her eyes and looked at me. ‘I was a temperamental teenager, not a grown man in his thirties.’ She stayed silent for a moment, and I’d hoped she’d drop the subject, but then she said, ‘Okay, well, you’ve got to admit that he’s changed you since you started seeing him. The latest thing is the voice – what’s up with that, going all posh on me?’
My cheeks heated, and I looked away. ‘I’ve been having lessons from an actor friend of Justin’s, and he’s not forcing me to do it. I want to do it.’ I looked back at her, begging her to understand. ‘You don’t see the way some of the people he mixes with look at me when I open my mouth.’
‘But I bet it was his idea, right?’
I sighed heavily. Yes, Justin had suggested it, and I suppose I’d been a little bit offended at first, but when he’d explained it to me, I’d agreed to go along with it. In the end, I’d been grateful for it. People were taking me more seriously. ‘That doesn’t prove anything.’
Lo leaned in and said, ‘Are you sure you want this?’
‘Want what?’
‘To marry him! It’s not too late to back out, you know.’
‘Lo …’ I was getting irritated now. She was taking this too far. ‘Drop it, okay?’
We reached the head of the queue, and the next taxi in the rank pulled forward. ‘You have this one since you’re going a different way,’ she said. ‘The girls and I will get the next.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, giving her a brisk hug, glad I was about to be whisked back to Kensington, and the conversation would be over.
She tugged my coat sleeve as I opened the door and leaned into the cab to tell the driver the address. ‘Okay, one last thing and I promise I’ll drop it … I know you say he’s not physical with you, but does he ever make you feel like you’re losing your mind, that you’re doubting yourself about everything. Does he ever scare you?’
I kissed her on the cheek, and as I clambered into the back of the taxi, I thought about what she said. Justin made me feel many things. Yes, sometimes I felt frustrated, confused, upset. But show me anyone in a long-term relationship who didn’t feel that way on occasion. And, yes, sometimes, in his more intense moments, I found myself wanting to back away, but that was just his passionate nature. The flip side of that very same passion was what made me feel cherished, loved, worshipped.
‘No,’ I said as I sat down and reached to pull the door closed. ‘Justin has never scared me. Now go home, take two paracetamol and put a pint glass of water next to your bed.’
Chapter Forty-Seven
Now.
THEY SAT IN silence for the rest of the journey to London, both too shell-shocked to utter a word. What could he say anyway? ‘Congratulations?’ He wasn’t feeling particularly overjoyed about the idea of Alice getting married, but she looked … Well, she looked devastated.
‘I can’t get my head round it,’ she kept saying, staring blindly out of the window.
Neither could he. Why hadn’t he found her a year ago, or two years ago? It was crappy, crappy timing. He’d thought the universe had been smiling on him. Hah! This wasn’t a second chance. This was fate rubbing his nose in it.
Despite Alice’s flashes of memory, he hadn’t even considered the wedding she was trying to get to was her own. However, now he thought about it, he realised that the times she’d been most wobbly were when she’d come across something connected with a wedding. All the clues had been there. He’d just ignored them.
Like he had done with Cat. He had a talent for deluding himself, for refusing to see the disaster that was upon him until it hit. Despite all his efforts to change, to be more present for the people he cared about, he hadn’t made any progress at all.
Alice’s hand rested on her thigh, so close to his that he could stretch out his little finger and touch her if he’d wanted to. He picked up his phone to keep his hands busy. No more touching. No more believing this could go anywhere. But he still wasn’t leaving her side. Not yet.
And not for his own selfish need to be with her as much as possible. Because, even though she might only be days away from getting married, something clearly was wrong for her to have ended up in this state. Until he knew she was safe with people who loved her and would take care of her, he wasn’t walking away. He was going to stay, no matter how gut-wrenching it got, and he had no illusions about how hard it was going to be to see her walk away into the arms of another man.
‘Ben?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Do you think …? Do you think the wedding will go ahead with me like this? It can’t, can it? Not if I don’t remember who I’m supposed to be marrying?’
Hope flared in his chest, but he squashed it down again quickly. It didn’t change anything, not really. When her memories came back, she’d be ready to pick up the reins of her old life. He wouldn’t be needed. ‘I don’t know,’ he said truthfully. ‘All we can do is turn up at the rehearsal and find out.’
‘We?’ she almost whispered.
He nodded. ‘I’ve already spoken to Marco about staying tonight, but I’d like to come with you, make sure you get to Hadsborough Castle, okay … If that’s all right by you?’
She smiled, her eyes full of warmth and sadness. ‘Yes, that’s all right by me. Thank you.’
‘It’s settled, then.’
She bobbed her head gently. ‘You were there at the start of my journey. It only seems fitting for you to see it through to the end.’
The Sonata Hotel had had a revamp since Ben had last visited. It had always been a quirky little boutique hotel, but the owners had obviously decided to renovate and go all-out on a musical theme, possibly due to its proximity to the Royal Albert Hall. The lobby was full of busts of famous composers, sheet music and draping red velvet.
Marco was at the reception desk when they arrived, and Ben could have kissed him when he told them he had two rooms ready for them with comfy beds and hot showers. He’d been wearing the same clothes for a day and a half now, and he couldn’t wait to get under the hot spray. Thankfully, Kensington High Street was within fifteen minutes’ walk, and he should at least be able to grab underwear, socks and a fresh T-shirt in the morning. Maybe even a backpack to put his gear in. He always felt a bit naked when he travelled without a backpack.
‘So,’ Alice said, clutching her key card and forcing a bright smile onto her lips, ‘this is it. Hopefully, it’ll be a less eventful night than last night, and you’ll actually be able to get a bit of sleep.’
‘Hopefully,’ he said, playing along, although he doubted sleep would bless him much that night. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
She nodded and walked across the lobby, heading for the compact elevator. Ben thought about the amount of space inside, how close they’d have to stand, and took the stairs.
The first thing he did when he got into his room was hang his coat on the back of the door, strip off his clothes, and head for the shower. When he returned, he folded his T-shirt and jeans, then went to retrieve his wallet from his coat pocket. He always liked to keep it on the bedside table when he was travelling, but when he rummaged in his pockets, he came up empty.
What?
He went back to his jeans, patted down his pockets.
Oh, God. Where had he been the last time he saw it? He mentally rewound through the day. He’d last see his wallet when … When he’d run out of the service station café after Alice. He’d popped it down on the table after paying for their drinks and toasties. Flicking through his memories of that time, he had a vague image of the table being empty when they’d dashed back to grab their coats before getting back on the coach. Someone had obviously lifted his wallet whilst he’d been outside, and he hadn’t even noticed.
He didn’t know who he was angrier with: the bastard who’d taken it, or himself, for making such a rookie mistake. Again.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Two weeks before the wedding.
I HAD A little trouble lining my door key up with the lock when I got back to the flat after my hen night, which I seemed to find funny rather than annoying, but I eventually got inside and instantly kicked off my stilettos. The smooth marble tile of the hallway was blissfully cool against my aching feet. I dropped my handbag and jacket on the floor, dimly aware that I might get an earful for doing so the next morning, and tried to creep as quietly as I could down the hallway.
My eyes were beginning to adjust to the darkened flat when I nudged the bedroom door open. The lights were off in there too, Justin a shadowy lump on his side of the bed. Shhh .… I told myself and squashed the urge to giggle, but when I’d brushed the hilarity away, I realised there was an uncomfortable knot in my stomach that had nothing to do with the number of cocktails I’d drunk.
It would be better if I didn’t wake him.
I sat down on the edge of the mattress and shimmied out of the sequinned dress I was wearing. Too tired to peel my underwear off, I slid underneath the covers with it on.
‘You bothered to come back, then?’
The low voice surprised me so much, I squealed and almost jumped out of bed again, pressing my palm to my pounding chest. ‘Justin! You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought you were asleep.’
‘No such luck, Angel.’
Oh, dear. I knew that tone. I began to sober up pretty quickly.
‘Sorry,’ I said, although I wasn’t exactly sure what I was apologising for. Although I’d been worried about how late it was, we’d agreed I could stay out later, and he hadn’t specified an exact time to be back. Sometimes, he just expected me to know, but I often guessed things wrong, which only led to an argument.
‘It’s a bit late for apologies.’
I pulled the duvet up under my chin for protection. ‘Had a few cocktails,’ I mumbled. ‘Lost track of time.’
‘Too busy having fun?’ His words were dripping with disgust.
I went still. I knew I had to be very careful about what I said next. When Justin got sensitive like this, any little slip could set him off. ‘I was supposed to be having fun with my girlfriends. It was my hen night. But I behaved myself. You don’t have to worry.’
‘Were there men there?’
‘I just told you. It was just me and the girls.’
‘What about strippers?’
A cold sensation washed through me.
‘Angel?’
There was no point in lying. He’d just keep needling me, finding inconsistencies in my story until I had to come clean anyway. ‘Lo hired a couple. She did it because she thought it would be funny …’ or possibly because it would piss Justin off, but I wasn’t going to tell him that, not when they had to play nice together on the top table at our wedding reception in fourteen days. ‘But I didn’t have anything to do with it – and I told her she shouldn’t have.’
He was quiet for what seemed like ages. I knew he was picturing the scene in his head, and anything he was thinking of probably wasn’t that far off base. Yes, I had blushed and felt awkward – it really wasn’t my kind of thing – but I would have come off as a spoilsport if I’d shut it all down. And it had been harmless fun. I hadn’t been even vaguely attracted to either of the two dancers.
‘Why would you do that to me? When that was my one stipulation about letting you have a hen night.’ All trace of anger gone in his tone. He just sounded incredibly wounded. ‘I give you everything I have, Angel, everything I am … Why do you deliberately try to upset me?’
‘I explained … It had nothing to do with me.’
‘You didn’t watch them? You didn’t let them come up close to you and wave their arses in your face? And more!’
I swallowed, and then I turned to him and slid my palm across his bare chest. ‘Justin … It’s you I love, don’t you know that? I’d do anything for you. I’m marrying you in a fortnight.’
‘But even that’s spoiled now because you’ve invited him to the wedding.’
Oh, god. Here we went again, I thought. Ever since Justin had discovered my old next-door neighbour Sam was on the guest list, he’d been going on about it. ‘I’ve explained about that too – the Baxters are my mum and dad’s oldest friends. They’re like family – closer than most of my actual aunts and uncles. I couldn’t leave them off the guest list. And I told you … It was just a silly teenage thing between Sam and I that neither of us barely remembers. We see each other when our families get together, but we don’t have a friendship outside of that.’
‘So you say …’ Justin huffed, and then he threw the duvet back and got out of bed.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m getting up. I can’t sleep next to you feeling the way I do at the moment.’ And he grabbed his robe and strode from the room. I lay there for a few moments, and then I sighed. I was tired and headachy and, unfortunately, feeling a lot more sober than I had been when I’d slid my key into the door.
No way was I going to get to sleep knowing Justin was in another part of the flat, stewing. There was no telling what kind of state he’d have worked himself up into come morning. I was going to have to go and find him. However, having this conversation in just my underwear seemed to hit the wrong note, so I quickly pulled my pyjamas on before heading out of the bedroom.
I didn’t bother turning on any lights but walked around the flat in my bare feet. I found him sitting on one of the sofas in the living room, the glow from the city outside picking him out in the dark. I went and sat down, close but not right next to him, sensing he might need a little space.
His voice was hollow when he spoke. ‘I put you above everything … Have I invited any of my exes to the wedding? No. I wouldn’t do that to you. But I always feel I’m last on your list, that there are so many other things you put above me.’
It broke my heart to hear him talk like this. Didn’t he understand how much I’d twisted myself like a pretzel trying to be the kind of woman he deserved? I was always thinking about what he wanted, what would please or displease him. My whole life revolved around him. ‘Justin,’ I said, and my voice caught. ‘You are my world! Please believe me!’
He turned his head sharply to look at me, and I wondered how someone so perfect, so handsome and talented and sensitive, could believe in himself so little. ‘Prove it, then.’
I shook my head gently in bemusement. ‘How?’
‘Prove that you love me above absolutely everything …’ He got up and headed for the study, and I followed him. I had a bad feeling about this.
He walked over to his desk, unlocked the bottom filing cabinet drawer, and pulled my violin case out. I instinctively reached for it. What had Octavia got to do with this?
‘This,’ he said, pulling the violin from its case. ‘This is what you love more than me.’
I gave a little half-laugh, more out of nerves than out of humour. How on earth could he be jealous of a violin? ‘Don’t be silly, Justin.’
His expression grew even more furious then, and I knew instantly that I’d said the wrong thing. My stomach chilled to ice as he glared at me, strode into the living room, and unlocked the sliding doors that led onto the balcony. It was early February and the coldest part of the night. My skin instantly puckered into goosebumps.
He shot me a scathing look, then walked outside and stood at the railing. When I joined him, he shoved the violin at me, bumping it painfully into my chest. ‘Hold it out,’ he ordered.
‘What?’ He couldn’t be saying what I thought he meant. It was ridiculous.
‘Hold the violin out, over the edge. Or the wedding’s off.’
I was tempted to laugh, to think I was still tipsy, but standing there in the icy night air, I knew I was stone-cold sober. This was all just so surreal. I took a few moments to consider my choices. This was a test. Justin was big on tests, another hangover from his failed marriage, I supposed. It might be better to play along. He wasn’t really going to make me do anything to Octavia.
Keeping my eyes on him, I let out a steadying breath, and then I gripped the neck of the violin with my left hand and extended my arm, so it dangled over the railing.
‘Let go,’ he said. There was no hint of rage or despair or any emotion at all in his tone now. It was as cold as the air wrapping itself around us.
I did laugh then, a tiny nervous bubble of sound. ‘Justin … You don’t seriously expect me to—’
‘It’s your choice, Angel. Do you want me, or do you want the violin?’
Why was he being so nonsensical? I pulled my arm back and hugged the violin to my chest.
He blinked and then said, so, so smoothly, ‘Or do I have to do it for you?’
Before I could answer, he reached across, wrenched Octavia out of my hands and held her over the railing.
‘No! Please don’t! Justin, you don’t need to do this!’ I looked at his face, a face I thought I knew so well. A face I loved so much. But I was staring into the face of a stranger.
‘Any last thing you want to say?’ he asked, keeping his eyes on me.
I was frozen, unable to do anything but tear my eyes from his and look longingly at the instrument dangling over the railing.
