The Outing, page 8
Emma and Thomas stopped clapping when they saw Grandma Jee's face.
Chapter 13
“Have you talked to Judge Matthews?” Robert looked across the desk to Duncan.
“Really? Are you psychic as well?”
“As well as what?”
“Your memory. There’s a word for that, memorious,” Duncan pondered while Robert pondered him. Duncan was becoming prone to solitary internal conversation. Good thing Lauren was planning to expand his social life.
“Hmm,” he came back. “As it happens, he contacted me.”
“And?”
“Nothing to do with the case. It’s a personal matter.”
“Why mention it then? I’m assuming he didn’t say anything about Johnny?”
“No,” said Duncan. “But thinking on it, he wants to set up a trust and a will.”
“Doesn’t he have his own lawyer?”
“Precisely. Which is why I suspect it involves Johnny. He didn’t go to the mention. If he had, this might have been resolved. But then I can also see why he might have thought it wouldn’t have been necessary. Perhaps-”
“He wants to make some kind of amends?”
“I suppose I’ll find out next week.”
“Did Lauren call?” Robert asked.
“She did. I’m delighted. She should come in, start working here.”
“Let’s see how she manages the workload first. Full time and kids. It’ll be tough. But I really meant about you coming over. To see us.”
“You can visit any time. You know that.”
“I think the point was to get you out somewhere different.”
“I like it at home.”
“We know,” Robert smiled in mock exasperation. “But it’s so much easier with two kids if you bring the party to them.”
“Granted, but-”
“And Lauren’s asking a few people. She can’t exactly tell them to go to your place, can she? It would make her happy.”
Duncan opened his arms outwards from the elbow, palms facing up, in the universal gesture of ‘can’t-argue-with-that’, “Then it’s done. And if you see Johnny, don’t mention Harry’s visit. I don’t know if it’s confidential or not.”
Robert raised an acquiescent hand on his way out.
Back in his own office Robert faced the stack of folders waiting for the undivided attention he'd only been able to sporadically muster since the disaster in Court. Since before then. Since the back of Johnny's head had reappeared. Since that kiss. Right here. He closed his eyes and a soft moan escaped. His insides tightened exquisitely while reminders of being cradled in Johnny's arms arced through him. He shifted in his chair.
He should call Johnny. He reached for an outside line button and pulled his hand back. He wanted to call Johnny, and he didn't want to. He buzzed Anna and asked her to do it, then picked up his car keys from the papier-maché blob-come-ashtray, briefly wondering how long it would hold together. It didn't matter. His kids would always get an A for anything, from him. He was absently tossing the keys as Anna came in.
She looked surprised, “Are you going out?”
“I-”
“It's just Mr Saunders asked if you could meet him, I said you didn't have anything else on and I was sure it would be OK. Do you want me to call back?”
“No. Good. Thanks.” He groaned inwardly, then distracted himself with, “How's your mum, by the way. I've been, a bit…preoccupied.”
“I know. I could see that. Not the best.”
“Oh. Now I feel bad. I should have asked.”
“It's OK. Mr Carson.” Anna hesitated, “You said it’s Ok… would you mind if I left early? I wouldn't be here when you got back.”
Robert baulked, wary of the apparent and seductive good luck.
Anna mistook his silence, “It's only, the doctor suggested we look at homes. Put her name down, just in case, and I- it's so awful Mr Carson, I feel so helpless,” her eyes filled, and she looked away and sniffed.
“I'm so sorry Anna.” Stupid selfish arsehole. “Pack up now. If you need time with your mum, it's yours. I'll talk to Duncan. Work something out.”
She sniffed again, “Thanks. I don't want to put you out. I feel really bad about all this.”
“Don't. I know it's work, but we're sort-of a work family aren't we? Come on. I'll walk with you.”
By the time they reached her car, he learned what he should have already known. That she was an only child, unmarried, that her father disappeared when she was sixteen and her mum's tiredness and clumsiness was given a name. That she'd traded school, plans and dreams for typing, shorthand and bookkeeping. That she'd then started and stayed at Eldridge's. And that yes, it did feel like sort-of family.
Chapter 14
Outside Johnny's door, Robert felt a surge of eagerness, followed quickly by trepidation. He told himself again this is just a meeting and to stop working yourself up. But he knew it wasn’t. Not really. Was it? He knocked. The door opened as his bunched fist was lowering, and Johnny's hands closed over it coaxing him forward.
“Can you stay long?” Johnny walked half sideways, still holding Robert's hand.
“I don't know. I haven't got any appointments, I…” Robert wondered if he should stay. He wanted to stay. He wanted to go. They hadn’t talked since he’d spent the night not doing anything.
Johnny stopped at the sofa, “Here, sit down.”
Robert's eyes followed the join between the wall and the ceiling, stopping when it was straight in front of him. He could feel Johnny's eyes watching him and changed directions looking down at the floor, his lap, and then his hand moving, picking at something imaginary on his slacks.
Johnny's hand rested on the fidgeting.
A long pause later, Robert lifted his head searching Johnny's face for a hint of what to expect or what to do.
“I'm glad you're here. I want you, to be here. But we don't have to do anything. It's not compulsory or anything. We can talk-”
“It's just,” Robert cut him off and then looked at his hand, encased in Johnny's, “I don't. I've never, I don't know what to do.”
“About what?”
“What?”
“I'm trying to lighten the mood. Look at me,” Johnny said.
Robert looked up again and sighed with relief. In Johnny's eyes he saw something steady, unwavering, and comforting whatever was frightened searching and hesitant in his own, with an intense reassuring stillness. The intermittent urge to flee he'd been fighting off abated. His shoulders relaxed, “It's, I'm kind of…”
“Scared?”
“Yeah, I s'pose. Nervous.”
“It's not rocket science you know. It's completely natural.”
Robert's gaze had been lowering and he looked up again quickly.
“Been happening for thousands of years. Millions,” Johnny smiled.
“But the actual mechanics. I don't-”
“You've got two kids Robert.”
“I know but-”
“But you're all thingy about doing it with a man.”
Robert didn't let his eyes move from Johnny's face.
“Even though you want to.”
Robert nodded.
“What do you want to know?”
“Does it hurt?”
“I know what you're worried about. It doesn't have to. We can work our way up to that. If we want. Look. Answer yourself this, have I ever done anything to hurt you?”
Robert shook his head.
“Then why the fuck would I start now?”
The tight skin around Robert's forced nervous smile began softening.
“We have all afternoon. We have tomorrow or next week. We have all the time in the world,” Johnny's voice was reassuring and gentle. He shifted preparing to stand, “Come on. Let's make tea. Or do you want something stronger?”
“I don't want…”
“What? Tea?”
“No. I don't want to wait. If I wait you might disappear again.”
“I didn't disappear. You did. Well, the real you did.”
“I…”
“It's OK. I'm not going anywhere. I can wait.”
Johnny's hand which had been resting over Robert's squeezed slowly twice, and Robert knew that Johnny didn't want to wait either. He let his hand be lifted and turned and then he sighed into the kiss as it landed tenderly on his wrist, sending his wrought senses into overload.
“Trust me,” Johnny whispered, as the next kiss was making its way to Robert's lips.
Kisses which had floated over his face, delicate as mist had turned into solid weighty droplets, and like rain hitting a sun-scorched tin roof, released a steamy vapour. Robert floated inside a hot white cloud. His breathing, shallow and quick. His face felt full, pulsing with suffused heat. The same pulsing heat in his groin. His ears noticed Johnny's voice but not the words. His eyes saw nothing but a dim soft light which reminded him of the sun trying to penetrate closed curtains. Every now and again, shards of brightness flashing through as the breeze lifted them.
He was kissing Johnny back.
He felt Johnny's hand take his, and guide it to his crotch. It was full and hard. He groaned as Johnny's hand pushed his down hard against it. He squeezed Robert's hand released it and squeezed again, rotating his hips.
Robert didn't realise it was gone until he felt it on his own crotch. Rubbing and pushing at the fabric, and then pushing right under him. He could feel Johnny's forearm moving back and forward, and then a bunched fist twisting and lifting. He put his hands by his side and grabbed at the cushions of the sofa, fingers curling against the cloth before flattening his palms and pushing against it. His back arched and his neck extended, chin pointing blindly to the ceiling. He could think of nothing. Suddenly Johnny's other hand was inside his pants his fingers squeezing again and releasing and squeezing and releasing and then easing his penis from its restraints.
His mind wanted to focus on one sensation at a time, but it was beyond him. Briefly aware that the warm pressure at the end of his penis was Johnny's mouth, he arched again, pushed down hard on Johnny's fist and rocked, sending his senses somewhere they'd never been. Then in one perfect moment instinct held him still. All that moved was his breath, and then it stopped too. He spasmed and shuddered and lost himself in the repeating interplay of light which seemed to go from black to red to bright, bright, white, before slowly turning opaque.
When he opened his eyes, Johnny was looking into them, his face flushed with the heightened colour of lust. Then Johnny started to withdraw his hand and Robert moaned, and everything that had started relaxing, clenched again.
“Shall we move to the bedroom? Or have you decided you don't like it with men after all?”
“Not sure,” Robert's breath was short. “Might need some more convincing.”
***
Jittery muscles made him unstable, and Robert put a hand against the wall-tiles of Johnny’s bathroom for support. As the shower rained on him, his mind rambled, following the washed-out trail where he'd lost himself. But you can't lose, or even discard something you haven't got. Can you? It wasn't some thing he'd lost. He'd gotten lost, and seeing the easy, well-marked path, he'd taken it. Was that a sacrifice? Of what? Possibility? But possibility wasn't real. So was that wrong?
And there it was. With wrong came nameless guilt and with guilt came amorphous fear. He shoved them back towards the obscured trail, but they solidified in him, standing firm but irresolute at the juncture of what he wanted, and what he wanted.
*
A loosely belted robe didn't hide the ripple of muscle under skin, as Johnny reached for the cups in the drying rack. Watching him, Robert enjoyed the reminders of their afternoon, randomly surfacing in different parts of his body.
“Are we having tea?”
“Actually,” Johnny put the last cup away, and reached into the fridge, “I got bubbles, you know, in case I had something to celebrate sometime. What do you think?”
They clinked glasses, and leaned back into the supporting cushions of the sofa. Robert stroked the material and tingles spread through his abdomen. He stretched out, then retracted.
“Spit it out.”
“I was thinking, hah, I haven't stopped thinking except…”
Johnny topped up their glasses, “Let's leave Lauren and the kids thing. Talking can't change it. So no point. Next?”
“Us?”
“You need to be a bit more specific.”
“Is there an us? Is this going anywhere? Is this all? Today? Do I just go back to being Robert the dad? The husband?”
“We weren't going to talk about that.”
Robert stared ahead.
Johnny ran his hand through his hair, “Look-”
“What? This isn't 'look, this was great but,' is it? Did I get it wrong?” Robert's glass wobbled on it's fine stem as it came down against the tabletop, “I've taken a hell-of-a-chance even coming here and-”
“Bloody hell, Robert. Where the fuck did that come from?” Johnny handed Robert's glass back, “Here. I was going to say look, I don't know where it can go. Somewhere, I hope. I haven't got a crystal ball. All I am going to say is, I haven't loved anyone-”
“Harry?” Robert looked away and muttered, “Fuck. What is wrong with me?”
“I don't know,” Johnny sighed. And as Robert’s shoulders stiffened, “I’m not talking about you. Harry. With Harry it's differ-”
“What if he asked you to come back?”
“What if he did?” Johnny made sure he had Robert's eyes, “I suppose Harry is my Lauren.”
“And so. What do we do?”
“Do we have to do anything? Can't we just be? Planning everything out doesn't mean anything. Things happen.”
“Lauren was worried about you. Said I should spend more time with you.”
“Well, that's nice of her.”
“She doesn't mean like this.”
Johnny opened his mouth to speak and chuckled, “Obviously.” He squeezed Robert's forearm, “She's… you got lucky there.”
“She's pretty special. Thoughtful, kind.”
“Harry too. He's so… right, y'know? Without the righteous. Maybe that's how he got to be a judge. He's not judgy. You'd like him.”
Robert nodded vaguely, “Lauren wants you to come over for a barbeque. Marnie too. How is she by the way? After you lef- after we- I-”
“After you dived into life with Lauren and fuck the rest of us.”
“Not quite.” And to Johnny's you're-kidding-me look, “You're right. I didn't want reminding. She was my best friend. She knew me. Too well. What happened?”
“Dad's practical. He's a silver linings guy. Had to be after mum-” Johnny looked away, “Well he didn't have to, he could've chosen blame and tears, but he didn't. Anyway, he wasn't thrilled at first, I’m sure Marnie told you, but then when Nikki, Nicole arrived, he was besotted. We all were.”
“And Marnie?”
“Well considering I have the gay gene,” Johnny dropped his wrist, “she has her own salon. Hair.”
“You were never that camp.”
“What would you know?”
Robert shrugged.
“Mum's friend next door, Mrs Harris, sort of barged in and took over. Organised baby-minding and fast-tracked an apprenticeship. Marnie's arty. It suited her. She wasn't keen on going back to uni. That's what I mean about plans. They change.”
Robert nodded then frowned, “Marnie wouldn't accidentally say anything would she?”
“Soul of discretion. They have to take an oath, hairdressers.”
“Joking. Really?”
Johnny laughed, “Oh God you're cute. I'm more concerned about me. Keeping my hands off you. But it would look bad if I didn't come. Bit rude.”
“Won't be easy. But I suppose we have to get used to it. If we're going to-”
The phone rang and Johnny winked, “Glad that happened now.”
Robert listened to Johnny's part, “Hello- Oh, Mr Eldridge- Of course. Yes- Thursday. Four. OK.” He turned to Robert, “It can't be about the case. That's your department.”
“I have an inkling.”
Johnny's eyebrows lifted.
“You know that hairdresser oath? It's kinda the same thing.”
“It's Harry. Isn't it?” It wasn't a question. “I'd better get ready for work.”
Chapter 15
Robert's head shifted from his notes to his watch, pleased he could concentrate again, but it was getting late so Duncan appearing in the office doorway surprised him.
“Can I help?”
“Where have you been?”
Robert's throat pulse started tugging him into the past.
His mum standing at the front door. Her eyes dark, her voice harsh, ‘Where have you been?’ And kissing his forehead. He could smell her tea on her breath. It didn’t smell earthy and soft like his. It caught in his throat like vinegar. He tilted his head away, “Sorry-”
“Never mind. Come on.” She turned towards the front room, which was for important visitors, and not for kids and he hesitated.
“Hurry up,” she said, “There’s a policeman waiting. He wants to talk to you.”
“Me?” he asked, but her back was moving away from him. The last time he’d seen a policeman was at school, explaining about not pushing the button over and over to get the green walk sign, because it’s all automatic.
Robert stood in front of the policeman and looked at his mother.
“Well, tell him,” she said.
“What?”
“Where's Anna?” Duncan’s voice brought him back.
“What? Oh. She's-” Robert reminded himself not to add anything. Then changed his mind, “Actually, it's her afternoon off. And I've been meaning to talk to you about something,” he waved Duncan towards his visitor chair.
“We aren't a charity,” Duncan's face wore the slightest hint of flush, “I mean obviously we should do something...”
