Decline and Fall, page 7
'But the other boys, said Lady Circumference, almost beside herself with rage, 'have run six lengths.
'Then they, said the Doctor imperturbably, 'are first, second, third, fourth, and fifth respectively in the Three Miles. Clearly there has been some confusion. Diana, I think we might now serve tea.
Things were not easy, but there was fortunately a distraction, for as he spoke an enormous limousine of dove-grey and silver stole soundlessly on to the field.
'But what could be more opportune? Here is Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde.
Three light skips brought him to the side of the car, but the footman was there before him. The door opened, and from the cushions within emerged a tall young man in a clinging dove‑grey overcoat. After him, like the first breath of spring in the Champs‑Élysées, came Mrs BesteChetwynde ‑ two lizard‑skin feet, silk legs, chinchilla body, a tight little black hat, pinned with platinum and diamonds, and the high invariable voice that may be heard in any Ritz Hotel from New York to Budapest.
'I hope you don't mind my bringing Chokey, Dr Fagan? she said. 'He's just crazy about sport.
'I sure am that, said Chokey.
'Dear Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde! said Dr Fagan; 'dear, dear, Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde! He pressed her glove, and for the moment was at a loss for words of welcome, for 'Chokey', though graceful of bearing and irreproachably dressed, was a Negro.
CHAPTER IX The Sports ‑ continued
The refreshment tent looked very nice. The long table across the centre was covered with a white cloth. Bowls of flowers were ranged down it at regular intervals, and between them plates of sandwiches and cakes and jugs of lemonade and champagne‑cup. Behind it against a background of palms stood the four Welsh housemaids in clean caps and aprons pouring out tea. Behind them again sat Mr Prendergast, a glass of champagne‑cup in his hand, his wig slightly awry. He rose unsteadily to his feet at the approach of the guests, made a little bow, and then sat down again rather suddenly.
'Will you take round the foie gras sandwiches, Mr Pennyfeather? said Dingy. 'They are not for the boys or Captain Grimes.
'One for little me! said Flossie as he passed her.
Philbrick, evidently regarding himself as one of the guests, was engaged in a heated discussion on greyhound-racing with Sam Clutterbuck.
'What price the coon? he asked as Paul gave him a sandwich.
'It does my heart good to see old Prendy enjoying himself, said Grimes. 'Pity he shot that kid, though.
'There's not much the matter with him to see the way he's eating his tea. I say, this is rather a poor afternoon, isn't it?
'Circulate, old boy, circulate. Things aren't going too smoothly.
Nor indeed were they. The sudden ebullition of ill-feeling over the Three‑mile race, though checked by the arrival of Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde, was by no means forgotten. There were two distinctly hostile camps in the tea‑tent. On one side stood the Circumferences, Tangent, the Vicar, Colonel Sidebotham, and the Hope‑Brownes; on the other the seven Clutterbucks, Philbrick, Flossie, and two or three parents who had been snubbed already that afternoon by Lady Circumference. No one spoke of the race, but outraged sportsmanship glinted perilously in every eye. Several parents, intent on their tea, crowded round Dingy and the table. Eminently aloof from all these stood Chokey and Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde. Clearly the social balance was delicately poised, and the issue depended upon them. With or without her nigger, Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde was a woman of vital importance.
'Why, Dr Fagan, she was saying, 'it is too disappointing that we've missed the sports. We had just the slowest journey, stopping all the time to see the churches. You can't move Chokey once he's seen an old church. He's just crazy about culture, aren't you, darling?
'I sure am that, said Chokey.
'Are you interested in music? said the Doctor tactfully.
'Well, just you hear that, Baby, said Chokey, 'am I interested in music? I should say I am.
'He plays just too divinely, said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde.
'Has he heard my new records, would you say?
'No, darling, I don't expect he has.
'Well, just you hear them, sir, and then you'll know — am I interested in music.
'Now, darling, don't get discouraged. I'll take you over and introduce you to Lady Circumference. It's his inferiority‑complex, the angel. He's just crazy to meet the aristocracy, aren't you, my sweet?
'I sure am that, said Chokey.
'I think it's an insult bringing a nigger here, said Mrs Clutterbuck. 'It's an insult to our own women.
'Niggers are all right, said Philbrick. 'Where I draw a line is a Chink, nasty inhuman things. I had a pal bumped off by a Chink once. Throat cut horrible, it was, from ear to ear.
'Good gracious! said the Clutterbuck governess; 'was that in the Boxer rising?
'No, said Philbrick cheerfully. 'Saturday night in the Edgware Road. Might have happened to any of us.
'What did the gentleman say? asked the children.
'Never you mind, my dears. Run and have some more of the green cake.
They ran off obediently, but the little boy was later heard whispering to his sister as she knelt at her prayers, 'cut horrible from ear to ear', so that until quite late in her life Miss Clutterbuck would feel a little faint when she saw a bus that was going to the Edgware Road.
'I've got a friend lives in Savannah, said Sam, 'and he's told me a thing or two about niggers. Of course it's hardly a thing to talk about before the ladies, but, to put it bluntly, they have uncontrollable passions. See what I mean?
'What a terrible thing! said Grimes.
'You can't blame 'em, mind; it's just their nature. Animal, you know. Still, what I do say is, since they're like that, the less we see of them the better.
'Quite, said Mr Clutterbuck.
'I had such a curious conversation just now, Lord Circumference was saying to Paul, 'with your bandmaster over there. He asked me whether I should like to meet his sister‑in‑law; and when I said, "Yes, I should be delighted to," he said that it would cost a pound normally, but that he'd let me have special terms. What can he have meant, Mr Pennyfoot?
' 'Pon my soul, Colonel Sidebotham was saying to the Vicar, 'I don't like the look of that nigger. I saw enough of Fuzzy-Wuzzy in the Soudan ‑ devilish good enemy and devilish bad friend. I'm going across to talk to Mrs Clutterbuck. Between ourselves, I think Lady C. went a bit far. I didn't see the race myself, but there are limits….
'Rain ain't doin' the turnip crop any good, Lady Circumference was saying.
'No, indeed, said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde. 'Are you in England for long?
'Why, I live in England, of course, said Lady Circumference.
'My dear, how divine! But don't you find it just too expensive?
This was one of Lady Circumference's favourite topics, but somehow she did not feel disposed to enlarge on it to Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde with the same gusto as when she was talking to Mrs Sidebotham and the Vicar's wife. She never felt quite at ease with people richer than herself.
'Well, we all feel the wind a bit since the war, she said briefly. 'How's Bobby Pastmaster?
'Dotty, said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde, 'terribly dotty, and he and Chokey don't get on. You'll like Chokey. He's just crazy about England, too. We've been around all the cathedrals, and now we're going to start on the country houses. We were thinking of running over to see you at Castle Tangent one afternoon.
'That would be delightful, but I'm afraid we are in London at present. Which did you like best of the cathedrals, Mr Chokey?
'Chokey's not really his name, you know. The angel's called "Mr Sebastian Cholmondley."
'Well, said Mr Cholmondley, 'they were all fine, just fine. When I saw the cathedrals my heart just rose up and sang within me. I sure am crazy about culture. You folk think because we're coloured we don't care about nothing but jazz. Why, I'd give all the jazz in the world for just one little stone from one of your cathedrals.
'It's quite true. He would.
'Well, that's most interesting, Mr Cholmondley. I used to live just outside Salisbury when I was a girl, but, little as I like jazz, I never felt quite as strongly as that about it.
'Salisbury is full of historical interest, Lady Circumference, but in my opinion York Minster is the more refined.
'Oh, you angel! said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde. 'I could eat you up every bit.
'And is this your first visit to an English school? asked the Doctor.
'I should say not. Will you tell the Doctor the schools I've seen?
'He's been to them all, even the quite new ones. In fact, he liked the new ones best.
'They were more spacious. Have you ever seen Oxford?
'Yes; in fact, I was educated there.
'Were you, now? I've seen Oxford and Cambridge and Eton and Harrow. That's me all over. That's what I like, see? I appreciate art. There's plenty coloured people come over here and don't see nothing but a few night clubs. I read Shakespeare, said Chokey, 'Hamlet, Macbeth, King Lear. Ever read them?
'Yes, said the Doctor; 'as a matter of fact, I have.
'My race, said Chokey, 'is essentially an artistic race, We have the child's love of song and colour and the child's natural good taste. All you white folks despise the poor coloured man….
'No, no, said the Doctor.
'Let him say his piece, the darling, said Mrs Beste Chetwynde. 'Isn't he divine!
'You folks all think the coloured man hasn't got a soul. Anything's good enough for the poor coloured man. Beat him; put him in chains; load him with burdens…. Here Paul observed a responsive glitter in Lady Circumference's eye. 'But all the time that poor coloured man has a soul same as you have. Don't he breathe the same as you? Don't he eat and drink? Don't he love Shakespeare and cathedrals and the paintings of the old masters same as you? Isn't he just asking for your love and help to raise him from the servitude into which your forefathers plunged him? Oh, say, white folks, why don't you stretch out a helping hand to the poor coloured man, that's as good as you are, if you'll only let him be?
'My sweet, said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde, 'you mustn't get discouraged. They're all friends here.
'Is that so? said Chokey. 'Should I sing them a song?
'No, don't do that, darling. Have some tea.
'I had a friend in Paris, said the Clutterbuck governess, 'whose sister knew a girl who married one of the black soldiers during the war, and you wouldn't believe what he did to her. Joan and Peter, run and see if Daddy wants some more tea. He tied her up with a razor strop and left her on the stone floor for the night without food or covering. And then it was over a year before she could get a divorce.
'Used to cut off the tent ropes, Colonel Sidebotham was saying, 'and then knife the poor beggars through the canvas.
'You can see 'em in Shaftesbury Avenue and Charing Cross Road any night of the week, Sam Clutterbuck was saying. 'The women just hanging on to 'em.
'The mistake was ever giving them their freedom, said the Vicar. 'They were far happier and better looked after before.
'It's queer, said Flossie, 'that a woman with as much money as Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde should wear such dull clothes.
'That ring didn't cost less than five hundred, said Philbrick.
'Let's go and talk to the Vicar about God, said Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde. 'Chokey thinks religion is just divine.
'My race is a very spiritual one, said Chokey.
'The band has been playing Men of Harlech for over half an hour, said the Doctor. 'Diana, do go and tell them to try something else.
'I sometimes think I'm getting rather bored with coloured people, Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde said to Lady Circumference. 'Are you?
'I have never had the opportunity.
'I daresay you'd be good with them. They take a lot of living up to; they are so earnest. Who's that dear, dim, drunk little man?
'That is the person who shot my son.
'My dear, how too shattering for you. Not dead, I hope? Chokey shot a man at a party the other night. He gets gay at times, you know. It's only when he's on his best behaviour that he's so class‑conscious. I must go and rescue the Vicar.
The stationmaster came into the tent, crab‑like and obsequious.
'Well, my good man? said the Doctor.
'The young lady I have been telling that no other tunes can we play whatever with the lady smoking at her cigarette look you.
'God bless my soul. Why not?
'The other tunes are all holy tunes look you. Blasphemy it would be to play the songs of Sion while the lady at a cigarette smokes whatever. Men of Harlech is good music look you.
'This is most unfortunate. I can hardly ask Mrs Beste-Chetwynde to stop smoking. Frankly I regard this as impertinence.
'But no man can you ask against his Maker to blaspheme whatever unless him to pay more you were. Three pounds for the music is good and one for blasphemy look you.
Dr Fagan gave him another pound. The stationmaster retired, and in a few minutes the silver band began a singularly emotional rendering of In Thy courts no more are needed Sun by day and Moon by night.
CHAPTER X Post Mortem
As the last car drove away the Doctor and his daughters and Paul and Grimes walked up the drive together towards the Castle.
'Frankly the day has been rather a disappointment to me, said the Doctor. 'Nothing seemed to go quite right in spite of all our preparations.
'And expense, said Dingy.
'I am sorry, too, that Mr Prendergast should have had that unfortunate disagreement with Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde's coloured friend. In all the ten years during which we have worked together I have never known Mr Prendergast so self‑assertive. It was not becoming of him. Nor was it Philbrick's place to join in. I was seriously alarmed. They seemed so angry, and all about some minor point of ecclesiastical architecture.
'Mr Cholmondley was very sensitive, said Flossie.
'Yes, he seemed to think that Mr Prendergast's insistence on the late development of the rood‑screen was in some way connected with colour‑prejudice. I wonder why that was? To my mind it showed a very confused line of thought. Still, it would have been more seemly if Mr Prendergast had let the matter drop, and what could Philbrick know of the matter?
'Philbrick is not an ordinary butler, said Dingy.
'No, indeed not, said the Doctor. 'I heartily deplore his jewellery.
'I didn't like Lady Circumference's speech, said Flossie. 'Did you?
'I did not, said the Doctor; 'nor, I think, did Mrs Clutterbuck. I thought her reference to the Five Furlong race positively brutal. I was glad Clutterbuck had done so well in the jumping yesterday.
'She rather wanders from the point, doesn't she? said Dingy 'All that about hunting, I mean.
'I don't think Lady Circumference is conscious of any definite divisions in the various branches of sport. I have often observed in women of her type a tendency to regard all athletics as inferior forms of foxhunting. It is not logical. Besides, she was nettled at some remark of Mr Cholmondley's about cruelty to animals. As you say, it was irrelevant and rather unfortunate. I also resented the reference to the Liberal Party. Mr Clutterbuck has stood three times, you know. Taken as a whole, it was not a happy speech. I was quite glad when I saw her drive away.
'What a pretty car Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde has got! said Flossie, 'but how ostentatious of her to bring a footman.
'I can forgive the footman, said Dingy, 'but I can't forgive Mr Cholmondley. He asked me whether I had ever heard of a writer called Thomas Hardy.
'He asked me to go to Reigate with him for the week-end, said Flossie, … in rather a sweet way, too.
'Florence, I trust you refused?
'Oh, yes, said Flossie sadly, 'I refused.
They went on up the drive in silence. Presently Dingy asked: 'What are we going to do about those fireworks you insisted on buying? Everyone has gone away.
'I don't feel in a mood for fireworks, said the Doctor. 'Perhaps another time, but not now.
* * *
Back in the Common Room, Paul and Grirnes subsided moodily into the two easy‑chairs. The fire, unattended since luncheon, had sunk to a handful of warm ashes.
'Well, old boy, said Grimes, 'so that's over.
'Yes, said Paul.
'All the gay throng melted away?
'Yes, said Paul.
'Back to the daily round and cloistral calm?
'Yes, said Paul.
'As a beano, said Grimes, 'I have known better.
'Yes, said Paul.
'Lady C.'s hardly what you might call bonhommous.
'Hardly.
'Old Prendy made rather an ass of himself?
'Yes
'Hullo, old boy! You sound a bit flat. Feeling the strain of the social vortex, a bit giddy after the gay whirl, eh?
'I say, Grimes, said Paul, 'what d'you suppose the relationship is between Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde and that nigger?
'Well, I don't suppose she trots with him just for the uplift of his conversation; do you?
'No, I suppose not.
'In fact, I don't mind diagnosing a simple case of good old sex.
'Yes, I suppose you're right.
'I'm sure of it. Great Scott, what's that noise?
It was Mr Prendergast.
'Prendy, old man, said Grimes, 'you've let down the morale of the Common Room a pretty good wallop.
'Damn the Common Room! said Mr Prendergast. 'What does the Common Room know about rood-screens?
'That's all right, old boy. We're all friends here. What you say about rood‑screens goes.
'They'll be questioning the efficacy of infant baptism next. The Church has never countenanced lay opinion on spiritual matters. Now if it were a question of food and drink, said Mr Prendergast, 'if it were a question of drink ‑ But not infant baptism. Just drink. And he sat down.
'A sad case, brother, said Grimes, 'truly a sad case. Prendy, do you realize that in two minutes the bell will go for Prep. and you're on duty?
'Ding, dong, dell! Pussy's in the well.
'Prendy, that's irrelevant.
'I know several songs about bells. Funeral bells, wedding‑bells, sacring bells, sheep‑bells, fire‑bells, door‑bells, dumb‑bells, and just plain bells.
