Decline and Fall, page 6
'Only when I'm wearing my diamonds, said Philbrick.
'Well, I hope that is not often. Good gracious! Who are these extraordinary‑looking people?
Ten men of revolting appearance were approaching from the drive. They were low of brow, crafty of eye, and crooked of limb. They advanced huddled together with the loping tread of wolves, peering about them furtively as they came, as though in constant terror of ambush; they slavered at their mouths, which hung loosely over their receding chins, while each clutched under his apelike arm a burden of curious and unaccountable shape. On seeing the Doctor they halted and edged back, those behind squinting and moulting over their companions' shoulders.
'Crikey! said Philbrick. 'Loonies! This is where I shoot.
'I refuse to believe the evidence of my eyes, said the Doctor. 'These creatures simply do not exist.
After brief preliminary shuffling and nudging, an elderly man emerged from the back of the group. He had a rough black beard and wore on his uneven shoulders a druidical wreath of brass mistletoe‑berries.
'Why, it's my friend the stationmaster! said Philbrick.
'We are the silver band the Lord bless and keep you, said the stationmaster in one breath, 'the band that no one could beat whatever but two indeed in the Eisteddfod that for all North Wales was look you.
'I see, said the Doctor; 'I see. That's splendid. Well, will you please go into your tent, the little tent over there.
'To march about you would not like us? suggested the stationmaster; 'we have a fine yellow flag look you that embroidered for us was in silks.
'No, no. Into the tent!
The statiomnaster went back to consult with his fellow-musicians. There was a baying and growling and yapping as of the jungle at moonrise, and presently he came forward again with an obsequious, sidelong shuffle.
'Three pounds you pay us would you said indeed to at the sports play.
'Yes, yes, that's right, three pounds. Into the tent!
'Nothing whatever we can play without the money first, said the stationmaster firmly.
'How would it be, said Philbrick, 'if I gave him a clout on the ear?
'No, no, I beg you to do nothing of the kind. You have not lived in Wales as long as I have. He took a note‑case from his pocket, the sight of which seemed to galvanize the musicians into life; they crowded round, twitching and chattering. The Doctor took out three pound notes and gave them to the stationmaster. 'There you are, Davies! he said. 'Now take your men into the tent. They are on no account to emerge until after tea; do you understand?
The band slunk away, and Paul and the Doctor turned back towards the Castle.
'The Welsh character is an interesting study, said Dr Fagan. 'I have often considered writing a little monograph on the subject, but I was afraid it might make me unpopular in the village. The ignorant speak of them as Celts, which is of course wholly erroneous. They are of pure Iberian stock ‑ the aboriginal inhabitants of Europe who survive only in Portugal and the Basque district. Celts readily intermarry with their neighbours and absorb them. From the earliest times the Welsh have been looked upon as an unclean people. It is thus that they have preserved their racial integrity. Their sons and daughters rarely mate with human-kind except their own blood relations. In Wales there was no need for legislation to prevent the conquering people intermarrying with the conquered. In Ireland that was necessary, for there intermarriage was a political matter. In Wales it was moral. I hope, by the way, you have no Welsh blood?
'None whatever, said Paul.
'I was sure you had not, but one cannot be too careful. I once spoke of this subject to the sixth form and learned later that one of them had a Welsh grandmother. I am afraid it hurt his feelings terribly, poor little chap. She came from Pembrokeshire, too, which is of course quite a different matter. I often think, he continued, 'that we can trace almost all the disasters of English history to the influence of Wales. Think of Edward of Caernarvon, the first Prince of Wales, a perverse life, Pennyfeather, and an unseemly death, then the Tudors and the dissolution of the Church, then Lloyd George, the temperance movement, Noncomformity, and lust stalking hand in hand through the country, wasting and ravaging. But perhaps you think I exaggerate? I have a certain rhetorical tendency, I admit.
'No, no, said Paul.
'The Welsh, said the Doctor, 'are the only nation in the world that has produced no graphic or plastic art, no architecture, no drama. They just sing, he said with disgust, 'sing and blow down wind instruments of plated silver. They are deceitful because they cannot discern truth from falsehood, depraved because they cannot discern the consequences of their indulgence. Let us consider, he continued, 'the etymological derivations of the Welsh language….
But here he was interrupted by a breathless little boy who panted down the drive to meet them. 'Please, sir, Lord and Lady Circumference have arrived sir. They're in the library with Miss Florence. She asked me to tell you.
'The sports will start in ten minutes, said the Doctor. 'Run and tell the other boys to change and go at once to the playing‑fields. I will talk to you about the Welsh again. It is a matter to which I have given some thought, and I can see that you are sincerely interested. Come in with me and see the Circumferences.
Flossie was talking to them in the library.
'Yes, isn't it a sweet colour? she was saying. 'I do like something bright myself. Diana made it for me; she does knit a treat, does Diana, but of course I chose the colour, you know, because, you see, Diana's taste is all for wishy-washy greys and browns. Mournful, you know. Well, here's the dad. Lady Circumference was just saying how much she likes my frock what you said was vulgar, so there!
A stout elderly woman dressed in a tweed coat and skirt and jaunty Tyrolean hat advanced to the Doctor. 'Hullo! she said in a deep bass voice, 'how are you? Sorry if we're late. Circumference ran over a fool of a boy. I've just been chaffing your daughter here about her frock. Wish I was young enough to wear that kind of thing. Older I get the more I like colour. We're both pretty long in the tooth, eh? She gave Dr Fagan a hearty shake of the hand, that obviously caused him acute pain. Then she turned to Paul.
'So you're the Doctor's hired assassin, eh? Well, I hope you keep a firm hand on my toad of a son. How's he doin'?
'Quite well, said Paul.
'Nonsense! said Lady Circumference. 'The boy's a dunderhead. If he wasn't he wouldn't be here. He wants beatin' and hittin' and knockin' about generally, and then he'll be no good. That grass is shockin' bad on the terrace, Doctor; you ought to sand it down and re‑sow it, but you'll have to take that cedar down if you ever want it to grow properly at the side. I hate cuttin' down a tree ‑ like losin' a tooth ‑ but you have to choose, tree or grass; you can't keep 'em both. What d'you pay your head man?
As she was talking Lord Circumference emerged from the shadows and shook Paul's hand. He had a long fair moustache and large watery eyes which reminded Paul a little of Mr. Prendergast.
'How do you do? he said.
'How do you do? said Paul.
'Fond of sport, eh? he said. 'I mean these sort of sports?
'Oh, yes, said Paul. 'I think they're so good for the boys.
'Do you? Do you think that, said Lord Circumference very earnestly: 'you think they're good for the boys?
'Yes, said Paul; 'don't you?
'Me? Yes, oh yes. I think so, too. Very good for the boys.
'So useful in the case of a war or anything, said Paul.
'Do you think so? D'you really and truly think so? That there's going to be another war, I mean?
'Yes, I'm sure of it; aren't you?
'Yes, of course. I'm sure of it too. And that awful bread, and people coming on to one's own land and telling one what one's to do with one's own butter and milk, and commandeering one's horses! Oh, yes all over again! My wife shot her hunters rather than let them go to the army. And girls in breeches on all the farms! All over again! Who do you think it will be this time?
'The Americans, said Paul stoutly.
'No, indeed, I hope not. We had German prisoners on two of the farms. That wasn't so bad, but if they start putting Americans on my land, I'll just refilse to stand it. My daughter brought an American down to luncheon the other day, and, do you know…?
'Dig it and dung it, said Lady Circumference. 'Only it's got to be dug deep, mind. Now how did your calceolarias do last year?
'I really have no idea, said the Doctor. 'Flossie, how did our calceolarias do?
'Lovely, said Flossie.
'I don't believe a word of it, said Lady Circumference. 'Nobody's calceolarias did well last year.
'Shall we adjourn to the playing‑fields? said the Doctor. 'I expect they are all waiting for us.
Talking cheerfully, the party crossed the hall and went down the steps.
'Your drive's awful wet, said Lady Circumference. 'I expect there's a blocked pipe somewhere. Sure it ain't sewage?
'I was never any use at short distances, Lord Circumference was saying. 'I was always a slow starter, but I was once eighteenth in the Crick at Rugby. We didn't take sports so seriously at the 'Varsity when I was up: everybody rode. What college were you at?
'Scone.
'Scone, were you? Ever come across a young nephew of my wife's called Alastair Digby-Vane-Trumpington?
'I just met him, said Paul.
'That's very interesting, Greta. Mr Pennyfoot knows Alastair.
'Does he? Well, that boy's doing no good for himself. Got fined twenty pounds the other day, his mother told me. Seemed proud of it. If my brother had been alive he'd have licked all that out of the young cub. It takes a man to bring up a man.
'Yes, said Lord Circumference meekly.
'Who else do you know at Oxford? Do you know Freddy French‑Wise?
'No.
'Or Tom Obblethwaite or that youngest Castleton boy?
'No, I'm afraid not. I had a great friend called Potts.
'Potts! said Lady Circumference, and left it at that.
All the school and several local visitors were assembled in the field. Grimes stood by himself, looking depressed. Mr Prendergast, flushed and unusually vivacious, was talking to the Vicar. As the headmaster's party came into sight the Llanabba Silver Band struck up Men of Harlech.
'Shockin' noise, commented Lady Circumference graciously.
The head prefect came forward and presented her with a programme, be‑ribboned and embossed in gold. Another prefect set a chair for her. She sat down with the Doctor next to her and Lord Circumference on the other side of him.
'Pennyfeather, cried the Doctor above the band, 'start them racing.
Philbrick gave Paul a megaphone. 'I found this in the pavilion, he said. 'I thought it might be useful.
'Who's that extraordinary man? asked Lady Circumference.
'He is the boxing coach and swimming professional, said the Doctor. 'A finely developed figure, don't you think?
'First race, said Paul through the megaphone, 'under sixteen. Quarter‑mile! He read out Grimes's list of starters.
'What's Tangent doin' in this race? said Lady Circumference. 'The boy can't run an inch.
The silver band stopped playing.
'The course, said Paul, 'starts from the pavilion, goes round that clump of elms…
'Beeches, corrected Lady Circumference loudly.
'… and ends in front of the bandstand. Starter, Mr Prendergast; timekeeper, Captain Grimes.
'I shall say, "Are you ready? one, two, three!" and then fire, said Mr Prendergast. 'Are you ready? One' —
there was a terrific report. 'Oh dear! I'm sorry' ‑ but the race had begun. Clearly Tangent was not going to win; he was sitting on the grass crying because he had been wounded in the foot by Mr Prendergast's bullet. Philbrick carried him, wailing dismally, into the refreshment tent, where Dingy helped him off with his shoe. His heel was slightly grazed. Dingy gave him a large slice of cake, and he hobbled out surrounded by a sympathetic crowd.
'That won't hurt him, said Lady Circumference, 'but I think someone ought to remove the pistol from that old man before he does anything serious.
'I knew that was going to happen, said Lord Circumference.
'A most unfortunate beginning, said the Doctor.
'Am I going to die? said Tangent, his mouth full of cake.
'For God's sake, look after Prendy, said Grimes in Paul's ear. 'The man's as tight as a lord, and on one whisky, too.
'First blood to me! said Mr Prendergast gleefully.
'The last race will be run again, said Paul down the megaphone. 'Starter, Mr Philbrick; timekeeper, Mr Prendergast.
'On your marks! Get set. Bang went the pistol, this time without disaster. The six little boys scampered off through the mud, disappeared behind the beeches and returned rather more slowly. Captain Grimes and Mr Prendergast held up a piece of tape.
'Well run, sirl' shouted Colonel Sidebotham. 'Jolly good race.
'Capital, said Mr Prendergast, and dropping his end of the tape, he sauntered over to the Colonel. 'I can see you are a fine judge of a race, sir. So was I once. So's Grimes. A capital fellow, Grimes; a bounder, you know, but a capital fellow. Bounders can be capital fellows; don't you agree, Colonel Slidebottom? In fact, I'd go further and say that capital fellows are bounders. What d'you say to that? I wish you'd stop pulling at my arm, Pennyfeather. Colonel Shybottom and I are just having a most interesting conversation about bounders.
The silver band struck up again, and Mr Prendergast began a little jig, saying: 'Capital fellow! and snapping his fingers. Paul led him to the refreshment tent.
'Dingy wants you to help her in there, he said firmly, 'and, for God's sake, don't come out until you feel better.
'I never felt better in my life, said Mr Prendergast indignantly. 'Capital fellow! capital fellow!
'It is not my affair, of course, said Colonel Sidebotham, 'but if you ask me I should say that man had been drinking.
'He was talking very excitedly to me, said the Vicar, 'about some apparatus for warming a church in Worthing and about the Apostolic Claims of the Church of Abyssinia. I confess I could not follow him clearly. He seems deeply interested in Church matters. Are you quite sure he is right in the head? I have noticed again and again since I have been in the Church that lay interest in ecclesiastical matters is often a prelude to insanity.
'Drink, pure and simple, said the Colonel. 'I wonder where he got it? I could do with a spot of whisky.
'Quarter‑mile open! said Paul through his megaphone.
Presently the Clutterbucks arrived. Both the parents were stout. They brought with them two small children, a governess, and an elder son. They debouched from the car one by one, stretching their limbs in evident relief.
'This is Sam, said Mr Clutterbuck, 'just down from Cambridge. He's joined me in the business, and we've brought the nippers along for a treat. Don't mind, do you, Doc? And last, but not least, my wife.
Dr Fagan greeted them with genial condescension and found them seats.
'I am afraid you have missed all the jumping events, he said. 'But I have a list of the results here. You will see that Percy has done extremely well.
'Didn't know the little beggar had it in him. See that, Martha? Percy's won the high-jump and the long-jump and the hurdles. How's your young hopeful been doing, Lady Circumference?
'My boy has been injured in the foot, said Lady Circumference coldly.
'Dear me! Not badly, I hope? Did he twist his ankle in the jumping?
'No, said Lady Circumference, 'he was shot at by one of the assistant masters. But it is kind of you to inquire.
'Three Miles Open! announced Paul. 'The course of six laps will be run as before.
'On your marks! Get set. Bang went Philbrick's revolver. Off trotted the boys on another race.
'Father, said Flossie, 'don't you think it's time for the tea interval?
'Nothing can be done before Mrs Beste‑Chetwynde arrives, said the Doctor.
Round and round the muddy track trotted the athletes while the silver band played sacred music unceasingly.
'Last lap! announced Paul.
The school and the visitors crowded about the tape to cheer the winner. Amid loud applause Clutterbuck breasted the tape well ahead of the others.
'Well run! Oh, good, jolly good, sir! cried Colonel Sidebotham.
'Good old Percy! That's the stuff, said Mr Clutterbuck.
'Well run, Percy! chorused the two little Clutterbucks, prompted by their governess.
'That boy cheated, said Lady Circumference. 'Heonly went round five times. I counted.
'I think unpleasantness so mars the afternoon, said the Vicar.
'How dare you suggest such a thing? asked Mrs Clutterbuck. 'I appeal to the referee. Percy ran the full course, didn't he?
'Clutterbuck wins, said Captain Grimes.
'Fiddlesticks! said Lady Circumference. 'He deliberately lagged behind and joined the others as they went behind the beeches. The little toad!
'Really, Greta, said Lord Circumference, 'I think we ought to abide by the referee's decision.
'Well, they can't expect me to give away the prizes, then. Nothing would induce me to give that boy a prize.
'Do you understand, madam, that you are bringing a serious accusation against my son's honour?
'Serious accusation fiddlesticks! What he wants is a jolly good hidin'.
'No doubt you judge other people's sons by your own. Let me tell you, Lady Circumference…
'Don't attempt to browbeat me, sir. I know a cheat when I see one.
At this stage of the discussion the Doctor left Mrs Hope‑Brown's side, where he had been remarking upon her son's progress in geometry, and joined the group round the winning‑post.
'If there is a disputed decision, he said genially, 'they shall race again.
'Percy has won already, said Mr Clutterbuck. 'He has been adjudged the winner.
'Splendid! splendid! A promising little athlete. I congratulate you, Clutterbuck.
'But he only ran five laps, said Lady Circumference.
'Then clearly he has won the five furlongs race, a very exacting length.
