seemed to pile up, what hope she had been holding on to close against

  her heart, began to dissipate until she found herself weeping as hard as

  she was pounding him, hating herself fully as much as she hated him for

  doing this to her, for having the temerity to drag her all the way over

  here at four in the morning only to flutter away from her like a dying

  bird. ' damn you!' she shouted. ' upp And he did. Magically,

  miraculously his eyelids flickered as if he were dreaming and then,

  through her tears, she saw him staring at her, felt his great muscular

  chest taking enormous heaves as if he could not get enough oxygen. She

  stopped what she was doing, began to cry all the more. ', Chris ... Oh,

  Chris, I thought you were dead, you bastard 1 ' He blinked once, opened

  his lips, shut them, said softly, ' think I was. I really think ... Dain

  ... don't stop now .. '?' ' can't. You gotta keep it up ... until you're

  sure I won't pass out ag - again.' His eyes began to flutter closed as

  if he were too tired to remain awake. ' can't - can't let me go under

  ... ' time, Dain ... I won't - wake up ... ever. - .' She rose up again

  with a groan from deep inside her, balled her hands into fists and

  struck him. He trembled under the double blows and she gasped in horror.

  But she did it again time his eyes flew open.

  He was unable to speak but ,,him staring at her as she continued to beat

  him, that g look that seemed to go on for ever. And she wanted at now,

  needed to see it more than anything else. She ' was his only lifeline,

  that as long as he continued to t her, he was fighting, that he would

  not slip away t a battle. beat a strong tattoo against the flesh of his

  arms, his his belly, thighs, sides, even his neck. And with each now he

  grunted like an animal. His straining body beneath her. His skin was as

  white as milk, as pale porcelain of the sink in the bathroom, seeming as

  ent as tissue paper. could see the pulsing blue of his veins as they

  distended, to the surface and she closed her eyes. Hot bitter tears

  their way through her shut lids and she had trouble ing. She sobbed as

  she struck him, finding that it gave strength to continue until it

  seemed to her that no real was required any longer. Her fists flying

  through the air virtually weightless while striking him with the force

  of hammers. ow she thouglit of herself only as the bringer of life, as

  she and fell, rose and fell as inexorably as the tide. e room around her

  faded like an old photograph subjected istering sunlight. There was only

  the two of them locked terrible embrace far more intimate than sex,

  connected by d umbilical. She was no longer aware that she swung dence,

  Lhat she thought, that she even breathed. imc seemed to stand still.

  Sweat ran like glue between heavina bodies and her open mouth gasped in

  air. ing out, Chris tried to heave her off him, turning this and that.

  But still she continued her violent tattoo upon until, with a titanic

  effort, he twisted on to his side, again and again over the side of the

  bed. moaned. ris, Chris, Chris ...' And never remembered where she e

  strength to get up on all fours, back off the foulg bed, dragging him

  with her, until he bumped heavily the floor and across it, over the low

  sill into the bathroom. 490 491 KI-ICK, KICK, xicy, at those goddamned

  towels, heavy as coner lumps, and roll him into the bathtub. Blindly she

  reached o spun the cold water tap on full. Heard the great rush 3 spume

  of the spray and gave a great startled cry as he snort. sat up and,

  convulsively, pulled her into the shower with him. ' bloody water is

  pissing cold!' He moved to get Out and she pulled him back.

  "Stay here,' she said, ' a while.' She had to raise her voice to be

  heard over the hissing heavy spray cascading over ther4. They shivered

  together, their skin raised in gooseflesh She took his head in her

  hands, cradled it against her breasts "J@@ sl ' to me,' she said.

  "I don't want you going to s eep nowy ' don't -' He coughed, choking on

  the water. He snorted' I again. ' can't think straight." "Well try,

  damnit! What the hell are you doing in this flytrap anyway?" "Hiding

  out.' ' whom?' '.' ' on!' '' bloody band, all right?' The water crashed

  down on to their heads, sucked and gurgled around their flanks. ' did

  you do, Chris?' she said quietly. ' what you said I should do. I quit

  th' band.' ' didn'tv ' Benno would go into cardiac arrest. Turned bloodv

  blue in his face; sputtered'fi'screamed . ' about Nigel?' ''t say

  nothin' ..." He paused as if remembering the scene all over again. ' was

  th' queerest thing. He didn't say a word. Jus' turned away an' looked at

  Tie.' He snorted. '61' Rollie, he said, "Aw, bollocks, Chris," and Ian

  kicked in his amp, he was so bloody chuffed. I began t' walk outa there

  - - can we go dry off now? I'm gettin' as wrinkled as a pensioncr-@ ' a

  minute,' she said as if he were a schoolboy. ' you finish this." As if

  she were offering him a sweet as a reward for being a good boy.

  492 t' walk outa there, yknow, an' Nigel, he turns round , better

  remember, boyo. It'll change your mind ' red at him. ''s that mean?' led

  a little away from her. ''s just between us - @Members." He looked away

  from her. ''s a kind ' made, see, years'n'years ago. In another age, it

  A kind of pact?' She began to feel a chill that had do with the water.

  -is all.' - ed. ' come on. You can tell me." She poked at ly. ' signed

  in blood I'll bet -' meant as a joke so she was startled when he said,

  wcll've been.' it's still binding on all of you after all this time?

  What . away from her, stood up and steppedout of the Shivering, he bent

  down, began to towel himself off. twisted around, turned off the water.

  She climbed out, waiting while he bent again, handed her another towel.

  ' better tell me what the fuck is going on, Chris.' stood as still as a

  statue. Behind them both, the faucet dolefully. A rattle came from over

  their heads as ne upstairs flushed the toilet. turned around slowly

  until he faced her.

  There was ing in his eyes she had not seen before and she wondered it

  was. U right,' he said slowly, ' asked'for it and ... in a way e earned

  it. You're one of us now' - he gave a gurgling - ' Christ knows Tie

  would -' He stopped ptly, eyed her appraisingly. ' no, perhaps now she

  dn't, eh?' He gave her a small smile. ' isn't once you've d my life, but

  twice.' don't -' know, Dain. Tie told me; thought she'd turn me agamist

  an' it almost worked. For a couple o' weeks I was so y pissed at you I

  couldn't see straight. Until I thought it, that is.

  Then, gradually, I began t' understand what 493 you'd done - and knew

  that even Tie hadn't got it.' He draped the towel over his shoulders.

  "She don't understand you at all, Dain, you know that? You dumbfound her

  - and scare th' shit out o' her.' He laughed shortly, weakly, stared

  down at his naked body. ' look at this,' he said. '' us not ever havin'

  gone t , bed., He closed his eyes, swayed a bit and she reached out a

  hand to steady him. But the smile was still on his face.

  "It's such a relief, really.' His eyes opened. The whites seemed a bit

  clearer though there was still a slight tinge of yellow to them. Tr'a

  always thinkin' with my cock.' He sat down on the edge of the tub, his

  uncircumcised penis hanging down between his thighs. He looked up at

  her. ''m surrounded by a bunch of bloody vampires, ain't IF How in

  Christ did I ever let it happen?' ''t expect any sympathy from me." He

  shook his head. ''s the last thing I need right now." "Chris,' she said

  slowly, ''ve been wanting - I mean really wanting - to leave the band

  for a long time, haven't you?' He put his head in his hands. '. I reckon

  I have.' ' music -' ' music?' ' song I heard when I came in ' don't

  remember.' ''m not surprised. What was it?' He looked up again, smiled

  at her. "'On a Line". Tune for th' solo album. Dain' - he stood up - ''

  writin', it's all done. I've just got t' go into th' studio an' finish

  recordin' ... I don't have everything I need at home. Just did some o'

  th' basics there.' ''s taken you so long?' she asked. ''ve been so

  unhappy.' "Cause I'm a bloody weak-minded bastard,' he snapped savagely.

  "'What if," I thought. "What if I go out there an' I stiff? What a berk

  I'll look!"' ' that isn't all, is it? Chris!' She moved to shake him.

  His eyes were closing again.

  He slumped heavily against her as if all the strength had abruptly

  drained out of him. ', Dain ... so tired ...' a ped his face. ' Christ's

  sake, Chris, wake upv him violently. ', Jesus, don't go to sleep now!

  Chris! Talk to me 1' ing! Chris!' She thought desperately.

  "Tell me how ? Huh?' His eyes opened and he stared glassily, his head as

  if he had just come back from a three-day drunk. you remember. Jon -

  your friend Jon. He died. Chris!' him again, stood him up, groaning with

  the effort. m. Common knowledge.' His voice was furred. ' all rs.

  Coppers wouldn't let us alone ... three weeks ...' could see were the

  whites beneath his partially opened ill Nigel came up with th' idea o'

  doin' a free gig in memory. "Do it in Vondel Park, in Amsterdam," he

  It'll get th' heat off an' us out o' here." ' His lids fluttered slapped

  his cheek again, hard enough for it to go white, as the blood rushed

  back in. ''y ... on'y wasn't's idea ... Not really, no. Was Tie's.

  But then all th' promo - promotion ideas were hers. When you come down

  t' it.' He giggled. ' she was using Nigel just like Jon. Like th' bloody

  Delphic Oracle. Knew bloody wouldn't go for pro - nouncements from her.

  But if we all those ideas were Jon's ...' He laughed, his head back and

  forth against her shoulder. ' but she was Th' bitch!

  She had th' right ideas, all right. They got a lot, a bloody helluva

  lot.' so you did the concert in Amsterdam.' nodded. ' with Jon's face on

  ', N oody sloganers chanting up'n'down th' streets for hours afterwards,

  g his name, calling his name.' He sniffed. ' that, it d down ... just

  like he - ah, ah, she - said it would. ers buggered off t' hound th'

  Beatles or some such. Who 11 knows!' d Jon was dead ...' h, yeh, Jon. My

  good friend Jon. My mate.' His voice ed sarcasm. '' bloody band almost

  blew itself apart o' him. He was drivin' us all round th' bend, he was,

  494 495 with his orders an' his - Christ, we couldn't count on him for

  nothin'! Had t' hire some bruiser, finally, t' drag him along V.

  rehearsals'n'gigs. Didn't tell him that, though. Wouldn't dire, He'd

  slip away'n'hide from us all. No, no. Told him we, d hired him a

  bodyguard ' he'd got t' be such a big qa He liked that, our Jon did, oh,

  yes indeed. Got him right U @ILre he lived. If we hadn't - if he hadn't

  died, who knows we'd all be now? ' bastard.' His head shook from side to

  side like wounded animal's. ' bloody bastard.

  You know th' band was his idea in th' beginnin'. Yeh. Jon was a bloody

  genius in many ways. Not like Nile, mind you, makin' shit sound like a

  symphony. Not like that. But he could arrange th' music. An' then he'd

  scarper an' not even Tie would be able t' tell us where he went. ''d

  take all our songs, Nigel's'n'mine, an' he'd turn 7ern into magic. Don't

  know how he did it ... Christ knows I'm not even sure how Nigel'n'I

  managed to write what we did. ' they hated each other, y'see ...

  Nigel'n'Jon. Alwa)s like oil'n'water.' He tried to stare into her eyes,

  failed. "Oh, well, not always, maybe. I was th' glue what held th' band

  t'gether in th' old days ... med - mediatin' between th' two berks ...

  but I was also th' reason they hated each other. ' was jealous of my

  writin' with Nigel. Badgered me so much that I tried it with him once."

  He shook his head back and forth. ' no go. He cried for thee days ..

  . took a scarper an' we had t' cancel a weekend o' gigs. You c'n imagine

  how that kind o' shit made Nigel feel ... he's dead if he ain't on th'

  bloody road. ' for Nigel, I'd always assumed it was merely Jo Is

  weaknesses he hated. Jon wrote his own stuff an' often enough he'd be in

  th' studio by th' time th' rest o' us arrived. I I,,d look up at us as

  dewy-eyed as a kid an' say, "Here's a new one for ya." But he wouldn't

  be able t' play a note ... he'd be fucked up one way or '.' His voice

  had softened sornewhat. ''d break down'n'cry, holdin' on t' that dee red

  Gibson o' his like it was a Teddy bear an' Nigel'd turn away an' say)

  "Christ Jesus, somebody come'n'clean him up"

  ".t was Tie, of course, who got under Nigel's skin. I reckon .'t

  understand how she could be living with Jon. latched on to Jon right

  away. Well, it wasn't so ', really. Jon was a good-lookin' berk ...

  always in uble or other with a dolly's old man. Must be a lotta s

  growin' up right now, ha ha! All he had t'do was bat lashes o' his an'

  th' dollies'd melt dead away. Not y o' us had trouble. But with Jon ...

  well, he was always ial case. But Tie was special too in her own way an'

  she e th' f i rst ... an' only ... t' move in with Jon. , one day, I

  came round t' Jon's flat.

  It was a day just rain ... cold'n'fouler'n'hell. I found him face down

  in d. "Here, m'lad," I said, "what's happened t' you then." been beaten

  an', I thought, robbed. But no. It'd been

  "Christ," I said, "what thl fuck did you say t' him?" oked at me rather

  sheepishly. "Don't think I c'n tell you." ' bloody well better, m'lad,"

  I told him. "I don't want t' t' hear it from him." He nodded then an' I

  took him outa in. Tic wasn't home an' I sat in front o' th' fire,

  starin' flames an' gettin' warm. ' that ol' Jon, he couldn't ill for a

  bloody minute. He paced back'n'forth so fast, his got a crick in its

  neck from watchin' him. An' at every f rom th' street he jumped three

  feet. You bloody well better get it over with," I said, "before ave a

  nervous breakdown." came an' stood over me then an' I could tell by his

  face it was no I aughing matter. -"I'm afraid t' tell you," he said.

  "I'm afraid you'll hate me, way Nigel does now." He broke down "'I

  couldn't take that, is. They're all against me as it is. But if you ..."

  He put head in his hands. "I don't know what I'd do." I took his hands

  in mine, said, "Don't you worry none, e. Noihin's gonna break good mates

  like us up. just never mind ' all that rubbish. What's this about then?"

  "I told him." He sniffed. "I told Nigel I wanted t' sleep h you." I

  don't know why I'm starting to laugh now - it certainly n't funny. Not

  in th' least. I knew then that in at least one pect Nigel had been right

  ' Jon. What he wanted, he ched out an' took. No matter what it was.

  Proscribed or 496 497 no - didn't make a bloody bit o' diff t' him. In

  that respect, he was a child of sorts. ' was irresponsible but

  brilliant. He'd start th' day with amphetamines washed down with a

  tumbler o' gin. Then he'd snort some coke, do a bit o' morphine, drop a

  tab or two o' acid or, failing that, THC - whatever was in easy reach -

  an' maybe a codeine pill or two. ' impossible, I know, that the human

  body can endure such abuse. Was it any wonder then we'd find him in th'

  studio, unable t' play, sobbing, "But I did it just before, played it

  perfectly ... they heard me. Ask them. Wasn't th' tape runnin'?" But

  there was no one there ' him. ', on other days, miraculously, he'd be

  th' one that'd launch us in the studio ... we'd all be lurchin' around

  without a direction an' he'd come in an' it'd all gel in just seconds..

  t used t' gall Nigel no end. His face'd go white, he'd turn away an' hit

  th' wall with his fist. Yah. He had th' knack, all right, did Jon. '

  even that couldn't stop the resentment from buildin' up into hate. An'

  Tie, she was always in there, bein' Jon's backbone, makin' him bolder

  than he ever coulda been on his own. An', I suspect now, she backed him

  even when she knew he was wrong - just t' twist th' needle that had got

  under our skins, again an' again until we all began t' jump at shadows.'

  He was shivering now, the sweat flying off him like rain and she held

  him close, squeezing and squeezing as if that act would bind all the

  life that was left in him inside. His eyelids flickered. ''t stop now,"

  she said sharply. ', I want to know how Jon died.' His eyes opened to

  slits. ', yeh. Jon's death.' He took a deep shuddering breath.

  "Still an' all, I reckon it was America what finally did it. We came

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68