Succubus Lord 16, page 9
“Whoever they are,” Todd warned as he cracked his knuckles, “if they try to lay one finger on the love of my life, I’m gonna put ‘em in the ground.”
“You sound very determined,” our waitress’ voice mused from over Todd’s shoulder. “Whoever this woman is, she’s lucky to have a guy like you on her side.”
Todd’s face turned beet red when he realized his crush had overheard him, and he quickly looked down at the table and began to twiddle his thumbs.
“I--Uh, yup,” he stammered, “she’s the most precious creature in all the world.”
Zoey began to distribute the plates on the table, but she was much more interested in our previous conversation.
“You know, if anyone here is a demon, it’s probably my boss,” she told us with a wink. “I swear that woman is really a soul-sucking banshee in disguise. Or Obizuth, more likely.”
Todd perked up as his eyes became as wide as saucers, and I half expected his heart to start beating out of his chest like a cartoon character.
“The chick who went around strangling pregnant women?” the imp in disguise questioned.
“Sticks up for his woman and knows his demonology?” Zoey chuckled. “Your girlfriend’s a lucky woman, my dude.”
Suddenly, the entire left half of Todd’s face drooped down, and his eye began to twitch like it was doing Morse code. He looked like he wanted to say something, but all that was coming out was a raspy “uhhhhh.”
“Come on, wingman,” Gula hissed and elbowed me in the ribs playfully. “He’s crashing and burning over there.”
“Todd’s single,” I explained to the waitress. “And he is the greatest expert on Demonology this side of the Mississippi. He even has his own podcast and everything.”
“A paranormal podcast?” the redhead asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Ever heard of Tuesdays with the Toddster?” I questioned, and the woman’s face lit up with recognition.
“Ohmygosh, I love that show!” she gasped before she glanced down at my friend. “You’re Todd Masterson? I’m a big fan!”
“I-I-I… I’m the Toddster, alright,” Todd chuckled awkwardly.
“Wait, so are these all your sidekicks?” Zoey questioned, and we all rolled our eyes subtly.
“Sure are!” Todd exclaimed as he puffed out his chest. “Jakey and Firecracker and Ollie and--”
“Zoey! Git yer butt back here and run these orders!” a burly female voice growled from the kitchen of the diner. “Last time I checked, they ain’t got their own legs!”
“That’d be Obizuth calling.” Zoey rolled her eyes and patted Todd on the shoulder. “I’ll see you around.”
As the waitress walked away, Todd gently touched the spot on his shoulder where her hand had rested, and his mouth fell open in awe.
“I’m never washing this shoulder again, bro,” he whispered.
“See?” I mused as I picked up my fork and knife. “Just be yourself, and it’ll do wonders.”
“I-I can’t believe she’s a fan, bro,” Todd sputtered. “My audience is only like a hundred people, and she’s one of ‘em. What are the chances?”
“Too inexplicable to even calculate,” Isabella admitted.
The BPI Agent took up her silverware and then began to fork at the scrambled eggs on her plate. Isabella finally skewered the fluffy yellow dish, raised it to her mouth, and slid it into her lips. She chewed and swallowed the morsel without any sort of fanfare or emotion, but I could see the hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth.
“Bacon and eggs? For dinner?” Todd questioned as he looked over Isabella’s meal. “Can you get any more milquetoast, Jane Wick?”
“Uh, she’s not eating milk toast,” Invidia whispered to the imp.
“It’s an expression, Elvira,” Todd explained, “like ‘never look a cross-eyed horse in the mouth’ or ‘don’t count your elephants until they hatch.’”
“Elephants don’t hatch, Todd,” Oliver spoke up. “They’re mammals, so the females give birth to their young out of a womb, just like us humans.”
“You know way too much about elephant vaginas for your own good, Ollie,” Todd warned, and then he picked up a tater tot, threw it into his mouth nonchalantly, and continued to talk through a mouthful of spuds. “I gotta admit, I didn’t peg you being into that sorta shit.”
“I’m not into--” the cultist protested, but Todd’s wit was too quick.
“It’s alright, bro,” the imp reassured him. “Different strokes for different folks, as I always say.”
Todd picked up the entire half-stack of ribs and took a bite out of the entire side like it was a hamburger, bones and all.
“Uh, don’t you wanna take the bones out first?” I questioned, but Todd just patted his belly.
“Gullet of steel, bro,” he reminded me.
The imp crunched into his meal once more, and thick, brownish-red barbeque sauce smeared across his lips. He gobbled the entire rack down in four more bites, and then the imp in disguise leaned back, inhaled, and let out a loud belch of satisfaction.
“I don’t even want to think of how bad that’ll hurt coming out.” Jane shuddered.
“What’d you end up getting?” I asked the brunette cultist from across the table.
Jane motioned to the plate before her, which was piled high with oil-covered french fries, right next to a croissant whose crust was golden brown and looked like it would flake off if you just looked at it wrong. The croissant had been cut in half and filled with chunks of chicken, mixed together with creamy white sauce.
“Chicken salad croissant.” Jane shrugged, and she picked up the sandwich and took a large bite.
The cultist’s eyes rolled back in her head as she savored the flavor of the sandwich, and then she let out a groan of satisfaction.
Meanwhile, Superbia was stuffing her face full of fluffy pancakes, and Oliver was slurping down a large bowl of chili.
On the other side of the table, Aruna and Invidia were both going at their steaks, but in completely different ways. The Rakshasi assassin held the hunk of meat in her hands as she ripped off chunks the way a tiger would tear away the flesh of its prey. The juice of the rare, marbled meat ran down her chin as she devoured it, and she was done in minutes.
Invidia, on the other hand, was humming along to Sugar, We’re Going Down as she slowly cut off bits of her steak. Then she raised the fork to her dark lips, slid the morsel inside, and chewed furiously. The gothic succubus licked her lips as she swallowed the steak down her throat and went back in for another piece.
Then there was Gula, who inspected the strange Kansan dish in her hand. The bierock appeared to be nothing more than a large, puffed-up roll that glistened with butter under the bright lights of the diner.
“How’s the local cuisine treating you, Gula?” I asked the redhead.
“Only one way to find out,” she admitted before she took a bite out of the roll.
There was a satisfying crunch as her teeth gnashed through the dough and into the filling. Bits of browned hamburger and sautéed cabbage oozed out the back of the overfilled pastry and then fell down onto Gula’s plate. The succubus quickly snatched up the fallen bits, shoved them into her mouth, and swallowed them whole.
“I take that as ‘it’s good?’” I joked, and Gula gave me a thumbs up in response.
“Try yours,” Gula ordered as she pointed to my plate.
My mouth watered intensely at the sight of the tasty morsels in front of me. My burger, with its perfectly-toasted bun, sat right next to a large pile of homemade, seasoned french fries. Mayo, ketchup, mustard, and the diner’s orange secret sauce ran down the side of the burger and then pooled in a small puddle at the bottom of my plate. I got a bit of the amalgamated sauce on my hands when I picked up the sandwich, but it was totally worth it.
I raised the burger to my mouth, bit into it, and then it felt like my entire body was having a food orgasm. The crunchy bits of lettuce and onion blended together perfectly with the buttery bun and medium-rare meat and special sauce to form a sensation my taste buds wouldn’t soon forget. I gulped the first bite down quickly and then destroyed the rest of the burger before I could even stop to think. With the hamburger gone, I started into my french fries, and I only stopped periodically so I could enjoy the greasy, salty crunch against my teeth.
Within a few minutes, we had all finished our meal. Everyone around the table looked miserable, but I knew that was the furthest thing from the truth.
We were all on the verge of a food coma, that was all.
“Bro… ” Todd belched. “I think I got two reasons to come to Kansas now. Holy fuck that was good.”
“I agree,” Gula groaned as she leaned back in her chair. “I must find a recipe for these bierocks immediately. These would be a smash hit in our restaurant district.”
“I’ll admit,” Isabella spoke up with a smirk, “these bacon and eggs put the diners in D.C. to shame.”
Our waitress returned to our table, and a wide grin spread across her face as she observed our satisfaction.
“I take it you all enjoyed your meals?” she questioned.
“Compliments to the chef, my girl,” Todd chuckled.
Zoey’s face lit up at Todd’s words, and a slight blush rose to her face.
“I’ll let them know,” she giggled. “Say… are you from around here? Or do you really live in Hell like you claim on your podcast?”
Todd’s eyes went wide, and then they darted back and forth between all of us at the table.
I gave him a nod, and he went in to seal the deal.
“It’s complicated,” Todd explained, “but I would totally like to, like, talk to you about it more. Maybe over some Arriba’s or something? They’ve got some bomb-ass burritos.”
“That might be nice,” Zoey giggled. “But we don’t have those out here.”
“Oh!” Todd chuckled. “Then you pick the spot. I’ll totally go--”
Before the imp could finish his sentence, a loud voice erupted from the other side of the diner.
“How dare you flirt with my woman?” the burly man in the flannel and ball cap bellowed.
“Now, Mason,” Zoey warned as she half turned to face the man. “How many times do we gotta go over this? I ain’t nobody’s girl.”
The burly man’s eyes were filled with rage as he thundered across the diner. He stopped about halfway across, flipped over a table, and pointed his finger at us accusingly.
“I’ve been waitin’ for this moment for a long time, Jacob Ralston,” he growled. “I’m gonna pound your bones into dust and plaster your blood all over these walls.”
Ah, fuck.
“I think we found our demon,” I muttered.
“Not if we got anything to say about it, ya candy-ass jabroni!” Todd stood up from his chair and did a Karate Kid crane stance.
“You wanna pull Rock quotes on me?” the man growled back. “WWE is practically my religion!”
“Can you smellllllllllllaaaaaalalalalalalalala what the Todd is cookin’?” the imp mocked without breaking his pose.
The burly man sneered as his skin began to bubble, and then his body began to transform. He widened out as his multiple pads of fat morphed into pure muscle, and his skin turned into an ogre-ish green. The man’s lower jaw extended out beyond his skull as two large canine teeth grew upward to a point, and his eyes became more sunken in their sockets.
When all was said and done, the demon in the trucker disguise was now a large, green-skinned monster with tribal tattoos all over his exposed chest and a feather-covered loincloth.
“H-Holy shit… ” Zoey gasped as she stumbled back.
“I know,” Todd retorted. “He totally turned into Shrek!”
“No… That’s--”
“Dzoavits,” the demon cut her off. “Pleased to finally come out of my shell for you, babe.”
I hopped up onto my feet as quickly as I could, and the team followed.
“The pain’s about to start comin’, and it won’t stop comin,’” Todd warned. “So, you better hit the ground runnin’ while you still can, bro.”
“Please,” the demon sneered, “you’re all unarmed. What could you possibly--”
Instantly, I summoned black flames into my hands, spread them across my body, and called forth my Caliginian armor. It appeared in a dark flash, and then I quickly drew the Sword of Saints from its sheath.
At the same time, red flames flashed in Gula and Vidia’s’ hands as they summoned forth their weapons, and Isabella unholstered her serrated pistols.
Dzoavits stepped back in shock, but then he just grinned slyly. The demon snapped his fingers, and a large, primal spear appeared in his hands.
“Nice trick,” he chuckled, “but mine’s bigger. And I promise ya, it’s way more deadly.”
Chapter 6
“I wonder if this dude’s layered like an onion, bro?” Todd growled and then shifted the weight of his crane kick onto his other foot. “Because I’m about to find out.”
The imp in disguise let out a high-pitched kung-fu wail as he charged the demon in front of him.
“What are you doing?” Zoey gasped in horror as she watched Todd gallop across the diner.
“What I shoulda done ten seconds ago… ” he called over his shoulder as his skin began to bubble.
Dzoavits watched with amusement as he took aim at Todd’s noggin with his spear, hauled it back like a baseball bat, and then swung.
Todd didn’t even break his stride. The imp’s human legs quickly condensed like a slinky that had been stretched out and released, and the spear swished a whole foot above his head. As he slid past the demon, the imp blasted him in the side of the torso with a shot of red Hellfire.
Dzoavits roared, stumbled to the side, and then patted out his flaming body swiftly.
By that time, the rest of the team had sprung into action.
“Isabella, Sia, and Oliver,” I commanded, “you guys cover the perimeter from afar.”
“Please,” Isabella protested, “he’s just another demon. I can--”
“This isn’t a Daeva or a huge, bumbling beast,” I warned as I watched the others charge at Dzoavits. “You may be a certified badass, but you’re still only human. That guy will tear you apart if he gets his hands on you.”
“That’s why I won’t let him get his hands on me.” The BPI Agent winked, and then she pulled her dual, serrated pistols out from their holsters.
“Suit yourself.” I shrugged playfully, and then I spun around and ran toward our opponent. “Sia and Oliver, maintain the perimeter. The rest of you--”
“Kick his ass!” Gula howled as she reared back with her double-headed axe. “Already on it!”
Dzoavits may have been a huge dude, but he was fast. He sidestepped Gula’s axe with the grace of a ballerina before he leapt over Todd’s fireball and came down at Aruna with his spear.
The Rakshasi rolled out of the way and then came up firing with her Chakram.
Dzoavits was just able to get his head down before the deadly disk decapitated him, but the movement put him directly in the path of Jane’s incoming yellow Hellfire. The demon grunted as he was knocked down onto his ass and dropped his spear. His torso now looked like a glowing porcupine, but he didn’t seem to be any worse for wear.
“I’m gonna send you back to the swamp, you fugly--” Todd began.
The imp’s words were swiftly cut off by the bar stool that Dzoavits struck him with, and I watched in shock as Todd’s body smashed through the glass of the diner windows and then rolled across the parking lot outside.
“Oh, no!” I heard Zoey scream from somewhere in the chaos behind me.
Then Invidia and I both reached Dzoavits at the same time.
“I hope you’ve got a strong soul, bitch,” the gothic succubus warned as she summoned silver flames into her hands.
Vidia grabbed the ogre-like demon to suck out his soul. His body lit up with her spell, but nothing seemed to happen.
I lashed out at Dzoavits with the Sword of Saints, but my opponent was quick to parry.
In one swift motion, he snatched up his fallen spear, knocked away my strike, and then spun it around and slugged Invidia in the gut. The blow must have hit the succubus like a freight train, because her body was launched backward and took out a few nearby tables.
Dzoavits knocked away another attack from Gula’s axe, ducked down, and then uppercutted the succubus literally through the roof.
“Gula!” I gasped as I called forth green Hellfire.
I launched my emerald spell through the roof of the building, and I hoped I was lucky enough to catch Gula before she fell. Thankfully, I felt a bit of weight in my hands.
I’d caught her.
Without another moment’s hesitation, I commanded my telekinetic flames to transport Gula safely onto the ground just outside.
Unfortunately, my actions left me wide open for an attack, and Dzoavits’ hand wrapped around my left arm and lifted me up into the air.
There was a wet crack somewhere in my shoulder, but I didn’t have any time to revel in the pain. Before I knew it, the demon’s large fists began to rail against my stomach.
Waves of agony shot through my body as the demon hammered my breastplate, and I swore up and down that I heard the sound of denting metal.
Suddenly, Aruna’s chakram zipped past Dzoavits’ head and sliced his cheek open.
The demon yowled in pain as he grabbed at his bleeding cheek, and I made my move.
I summoned silver flames around the metal ball on my belt, and commanded it to elongate into a deadly spear.
Dzoavits instantly released his grip on my body, jumped back, and caught the point of the weapon with his bare hands. Before he could make another move, though, he was assaulted by blasts of red, black, and yellow Hellfire, along with enchanted white bullets.
I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, tossed up a box of violet around the fucker, and then sneered happily as he was pinned in place, unable to escape the onslaught.
His body lit up like a Christmas tree, and Dzoavits growled as my friends’ spells all mixed together in unison. However, when the fire finally subsided, the green bastard was still standing.
