“Thank you again,” Zoey announced to all of us, “that guy was coming into this diner every single shift I worked. It was starting to get really creepy. Now that I know he’s gone, I can rest a little easier.”

  “Well, after you find new employment,” Invidia sighed and looked at the building.

  “What are you talking about?” Sia asked. “I can just heal it, like I do with all other sorts of inanimate objects.”

  The petite madame raised her hand to heal the building, but Isabella quickly pushed it back down.

  “We have to follow proper protocol,” the agent explained. “Let my men handle this. They’ll make sure it gets fixed without any sort of snafus or questions being raised. As for you, Zoey… I would definitely suggest you try to find a new place of employment.”

  The waitress frowned and then nodded in agreement.

  “Either way, thank you,” she repeated, and then she turned to leave.

  Todd’s eyes were glued to the woman as she strutted away, and his body looked like it was about to turn to mush. He let out a long, drawn-out sigh as he watched her leave, but then he turned back to us and tried to regain his composure.

  It didn’t last.

  “Brrrrroooooooooo!” he exclaimed as he hopped up and down like a rabbit on crack. “I did it! The Toddster totally did it!”

  “It’s just a number, bro,” I reminded the imp, “don’t get ahead of--”

  “Todd’s got his groove back, baby!” Todd cackled as he broke into a “running man” dance. “Go Toddster, go Toddster, go!”

  “Well, I’m happy for ya, bro,” I chuckled. “This has been three years in the making.”

  “Almost four,” he corrected. “And it was worth every single second of waiting.”

  “So, is that it?” Invidia sighed. “Did we save the world? Can we go home and chill in our rooms now?”

  “Not quite yet.” Sia shook her head. “The Twins were nowhere to be found, which means this woman was not Lucifer’s target.”

  “What do you mean she wasn’t my father’s target?” I protested and motioned to the body on the floor. “What was that all about, then?”

  “I don’t think he was guarding Lucifer’s new bride,” Isabella noted. “Dzoavits was certainly watching her, and probably even for your father. But if she was intended to be the mother of the Eighth Son, we would have seen Alistor and Apocrus.”

  “Why would Lucifer be watching Zoey, though?” I questioned.

  “Because he wanted to use her as collateral, bro,” Todd explained. “I mean, she is the future baby mama to the demon who’s his biggest threat.”

  “I thought she was interested in you, not Jacob?” Gula asked.

  “What?” Todd’s eyes narrowed. “I’m talking about moi, Firecracker.”

  We all just stared at him for a few seconds as we waited for him to get it.

  “In all seriousness,” Sia finally spoke up, “it probably did have something to do with Todd’s obsession with this woman.”

  “So, that was all for nothing?” I sighed.

  “Nothing?” Todd gasped, and then he floated up, slapped his hands on my cheeks, and looked me dead in the eyes. “I just got the digits for my dream girl, bro. You call that ‘nothing?’”

  “I guess not,” I chuckled, and then the imp released his grip. “We did save an innocent woman from a demon, and killed off one of my father’s minions.”

  “Jacob, Jacob, Jacob… ” A familiar silver-tongued voice whistled. “I know you were raised better than to worship mindless bloodlust.”

  I clenched my fists and then spun around to see Lucifer standing there behind me.

  “Can anyone else see him?” I asked the group.

  “Oh, I can see him alright,” Isabella growled as she stomped forward. “Why are you going back on our deal, Lucifer?”

  “I’m sorry you had to get wrapped up in all this, my dear,” the Devil said as he clicked his tongue. “I actually kind of had a soft spot for you. Now, you’ll have to die along with all of the rest of my son’s acquaintances.”

  “Spare me the threats,” the BPI Agent retorted, “I want answers.”

  “All you have to do is ask.” Lucifer smiled slyly. “You were right about one thing. Dzoavits was one of my agents, and he was watching that girl.”

  “I knew it!” Todd proclaimed. “You wanted to mindfuck your greatest enemy by taking revenge on their friends. Like Ivan Drogo killing Apollo in Rocky IV.”

  “Exactly like Ivan Drogo,” Lucifer snorted in a tone dripping with sarcasm. “No, imp… I was watching her because, after you read my prophecy, I knew she’d be the first person you’d come running after. I was hoping Dzoavits would kill you before you threw a wrench in any of my other plans, but, well… He was about as worthless as all those tattoos.”

  “Who are you after, then?” I demanded. “You might as well tell us now and save us all the effort of kicking the Twins’ sorry asses.”

  “This is why you were never properly introduced,” the Devil mused. “You don’t really get along with your siblings. Which is a shame, because you’ll have another one here shortly.”

  “Who are you going after?” I repeated.

  “Farewell, my son.” Lucifer’s body began to glow with green Hellfire. “I’d tell you ‘good luck,’ but I wouldn’t want to put on airs now, would I?”

  The Devil cackled as his figure vanished into the green smoke, and then he was gone.

  “We need to get back to Hell, right away,” I explained to my team. “There’s still a prophecy to figure out, and we can’t let my father beat us to this woman. The very fate of the universe depends on it.”

  Chapter 7

  As soon as Lucifer was gone and the chaos had died down a little, Isabella pulled out her phone and dialed up her agents.

  “This is Agent Fiore,” she barked into the phone. “I’ve got a code seventy-seven D out here. That’s right, pretty urgent. There were a few witnesses, but nowhere near enough to sway public opinion. Yup. Okay, twenty minutes? I’ll leave it for the Topeka office to handle. Agent Fiore, over and out.”

  “So, we’re good to go?” I questioned. “No need to burn the body or anything like that?”

  “The BPI is handling it,” Isabella explained, “so we should get going before they get here. As much as I love what I do, I fucking hate paperwork and interviews and all that shit.”

  “Then let’s get going,” I sighed. “We’ve got a twelve-hour drive ahead of us.”

  “There’s got to be a faster way,” Superbia said with a frown. “I’m not sure if we can afford to give Lucifer a twelve-hour head start on us. And that’s not even taking into account the time it will take us to crack the code on this prophecy.”

  “Also, I really don’t wanna sit in a car for another twelve hours.” Invidia shuddered. “I’m not trying to be a bitch or anything, but I hate being shoved up that close to other people. With one exception.”

  The gothic succubus gave me a wink, and I returned the gesture.

  “We could fly back,” Aruna suggested. “Most of you have wings, and I could turn into a Thunderbird or something to carry the rest of you.”

  “Not a bad thought,” I admitted, “but that would still only shave a few hours off the trip.”

  “Can’t you just teleport us back?” Isabella questioned and arched an eyebrow at me. “You have green Hellfire abilities, correct?”

  “Theoretically, I could,” I said, “but I’ve never tried to do it on something that far away. Especially with two giant-ass vehicles.”

  “There’s a first time for everything.” The BPI Agent shrugged. “You would be intricately familiar with your own mansion, no? The stronger your bond is with a location, the easier it should be for you to travel there with the snap of your fingers.”

  “So, that’s how it works,” Todd pondered aloud. “In all honesty, the rules have always been a little confusing about how it works. Like, can Jakey only teleport us a few miles? Can he do it across the dimensions? Is he limited on how many times he can use it in an adventure? Whole lotta canon contradiction goin’ on, that’s for sure.”

  Suddenly, Gula clapped her hands together and let out a loud “aha!”

  “I could boost you,” the Sister of Gluttony suggested. “If I use my brown flames on you while you cast your green spell, it might give you the boost you need to get us back home.”

  “That might just work,” Isabella agreed, and then she made a beeline for Shadow.

  “She’s a real ‘go-getter,’ isn’t she, Jakey?” Todd whispered. “I wonder how many dudes’ balls she’s got locked away in her trophy case… ”

  “Isabella isn’t a serial killer,” I chuckled as I pulled my keys out of my pocket and clicked the unlock button.

  “Coulda fooled me,” Todd snickered.

  The imp dashed off to his yellow Volvo, whipped out his set of keys, and then floated up so he was level with the lock on the door. He twisted the tiny piece of metal, unlocked the door, flung it open, and flitted inside. The imp let out a joyous laugh as he pressed the horn, and we were all treated to a brief horn-covered rendition of La Cucaracha.

  Everybody got back inside the two vehicles, but Gula and I remained outside. We gave each other a stern nod before we summoned our respective spells into our hands. The area around us lit up with the glow of brown and green Hellfire, and then I felt the warm embrace of Gula’s spell as it engulfed my body. Instantly, my vision was hued with a glow of brown, and the green flames in my hand grew by the second.

  I blasted the emerald fire around myself and Gula first, and then I shot it over onto the two vehicles in front of me. Once I had everyone caught in my enchantment, I closed my eyes and began to picture our home.

  However, that wasn’t the only thing that made green flames work. I also needed to get disgusted in a big way. And with all the shit my father was currently putting me through… Well, it wasn’t very difficult to conjure up feelings of repugnance in the pit of my stomach.

  As I thought about all the terrible things Lucifer was going to do to the world if he won, my jade fire grew even more intense. Then I honed in on our mansion.

  “Here goes nothing,” I muttered to myself.

  I closed both my glowing fists and commanded my spell to take us home.

  My body began to levitate off the ground, and my entire being went weightless as the world turned dark.

  Then nothing.

  Panic prickled my brain as I tried to figure out what was going on. Did I fuck up the spell? Was Gula’s boost not strong enough after all? Were we going to be trapped in this blank state forever?

  Just as soon as my fears had sprang up, though, they disappeared.

  My black metal boots clanked against concrete, and I opened my eyes to see our mansion just a few feet up the paved driveway.

  A wash of sickness hit me like a ton of bricks, and I quickly stumbled off into the grass, doubled over, and unleashed the acidic contents of my stomach onto the ground.

  “Holy fuck,” I gasped and wiped away the bile on my mouth. “That was a close one.”

  “I didn’t doubt you for a second,” Gula reassured me as her hand patted me on the back. “You’re ten times more powerful than the last time you tried to do something like that.”

  “I don’t even remember the last time I tried to transport that many people,” I admitted.

  “Probably when Tris and I locked you in the freezer and tried to burn you alive,” the redhead giggled darkly. “The first time we met, remember?”

  “How could I forget?” I mused.

  “Ewwwwww,” Todd’s voice gagged from behind, “Jakey just painted the grass with his stomach stew. Call him a regular Pukin’ Pollock.”

  “No big deal,” Jane admitted, “we’ll have one of the other cultists clean it up. I heard Edmond talking shit about me the other day… I think I’ll reassign him to clean-up duty.”

  The rest of my team exited their vehicles, and then we headed toward the garage.

  “As much as I’d love to stay,” I announced to my earth-bound friends, “we need to get back to Hell immediately so we can try and solve this prophecy. I’m hoping we’ll be back in a few hours, so can you guys just hang tight here until we get back?”

  “Who’s ‘we’ exactly?” Invidia asked with a raised hand. “Because I would really love it if I could stay here and relax by the pool for a bit. All by myself, of course.”

  “And I still need to return Chef Ramsey’s phone calls,” Gula chuckled.

  “That’s fine,” I confirmed. “Isabella, Sia, and Todd… Follow me. Everybody else, hang tight until we return.”

  “No promises.” Aruna smirked.

  The four of us hurried into the garage, walked back to the tarp that covered our own personal portal to Hell, and tossed it off to the side in a hurry. Then I stepped off the miniature ledge down into the glowing green portal and instantly felt myself crossing through the interdimensional threshold.

  There was a flash of green across my vision before I landed softly in the rocky courtyard of my castle.

  Isabella was right behind me. The BPI Agent fell from the sky and landed in a badass crouching pose, with one hand and one knee on the ground and her left arm extended back behind her body.

  Sia was next. The succubus madame hit the ground forcefully, with her feet flat on the ground, and then raised her petite frame slowly without breaking her gaze.

  Last was Todd. The little imp appeared out of thin air and screamed as his tiny arms flailed and he plummeted face-first into the ground. The imp’s body bounced a few feet before he caught himself, jumped to his feet, and brushed the dirt off his body.

  “Totally meant to do that,” he reassured us all.

  The courtyard was still set up with the tables and stools from our earlier meeting, though it was a ghost town compared to earlier.

  All the way on the other side of the courtyard, at one of the wooden tables, sat Raphael and Ziminiar. The two beings sat across from each other as they peered over a chess board and intricately pondered their next move.

  Finally, the King of the Sixth Circle picked up one of his knights, moved it across the checkered board, and then sat back and let out a scoff.

  “Checkmate.” He grinned and folded his hands behind his head cockily.

  Raphael inspected the pieces in front of him cautiously for a second. Then the archangel lowered his eyes, slumped his shoulders, and sighed.

  “I suppose you’re correct,” he conceded. “Again. How are you this good at chess, Ziminiar?”

  “My friend, I was locked away in a fiery tomb for thousands of years,” Ziminiar chuckled and adjusted his glasses. “There really wasn’t much else to do but play strategy games against myself. Mentally, of course.”

  “Oh, shit!” Todd interrupted the two players. “Does that mean you have a split personality? Because we totally don’t need you acting like Mr. Tumnus one minute and then some prissy-ass bitch named ‘Patricia’ the next.”

  “Believe it or not, my mental state wasn’t affected by my years in solitude,” Ziminiar explained.

  “I’ll believe it when I see it, ‘Mr. Tumnus,’” Todd warned as he made an “I’m watching you” signal with his hands. “If that’s even your real name.”

  “It’s… It’s not,” the goat-faced demon protested, but Todd ignored him.

  “So, how’s it hanging, Raphey?” Todd asked. “Did ya get that east wing of the castle cleaned yet?”

  “I did,” the Archangel admitted. “It was quite filthy. No offense, Jacob, but I never would have taken your parents for being such slobs.”

  “My parents?” I asked with a raised eyebrow. “They’re staying in the north--”

  “Yeaaaaaah,” Todd interjected, “you should see their house back on Earth. It totally looks like something that’d be on a hoarders show.”

  “I’m just curious as to how all those white stains got on the ceiling,” Raphael sighed, “and why the articles of clothing littered around are all crusty and stained. No matter how much elbow grease I put into the scrubbing, they aren’t coming out. It’s like they’re made out of some sort of interdimensional ectoplasmic fluid.”

  “Totally ectoplasm.” The imp shook his head and snickered. “But, the world may never know, Raphey. The world may never know… ”

  I shuddered to think of the horrific mess Todd had left in the east wing, but I needed to get us back on topic.

  “Well, guys,” I announced to my two friends, “I’ve got some good news, and I’ve got some bad news.”

  “I see we are all still here,” Ziminiar chuckled, “so I’m assuming that means the world didn’t end.”

  “That isn’t necessarily true,” Raphael clarified. “According to the Exalted One, when the End Times are upon us, humans will either be called to Paradise or left on the Earth to fend for themselves. It really doesn’t have that much to do with Hell, other than expediting the rate Shades will end up down here.”

  “Nobody likes a know-it-all, bro,” Todd whispered loudly to the Archangel.

  “What?” Raph protested. “I don’t want one of the Kings of Hell to be going around spreading false information. They’re in a position of influence, Todd, and I am a purveyor of the truth.”

  Todd stuck out his tongue and made a gagging noise.

  “I really don’t need to know what sorta kinky shit you’re into, bro.” The imp shuddered.

  “What’s ‘kinky’ about the truth?” the Archangel shot back.

  “It’s not ‘the truth’,” Todd explained, “it’s the part about you spying on people while they’re naked and pluckin’ the mushroom at the same time.”

  “Are--Are you talking about voyeurism?” Superbia chuckled.

  “That’s what I said, Strawberry Shortcake,” the imp confirmed. “He totally said he’s a purveyor of the truth. Whoever this ‘truth’ chick is, I feel really sorry for her.”

  Raphael facepalmed and shook his head with a mix of amusement and disgust.

  “So, I’m assuming Ziminiar is correct, and the world did not end?” the Archangel questioned as he turned back to me.

  “That’s the good news,” Isabella interjected. “We went to Kansas, saved Todd’s crush, and killed the demon Dzoavits in the process.”

 

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