The Twisted Series The Complete Set, page 52
part #1 of Twisted Series
I looked over at her before I glanced back at the road. “Just thinking.”
She laughed. “Obviously.”
I flipped on my blinker and turned down my road. It was only a few blocks to my house now. “I don’t know what to think about what I’m thinking,” I said.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and pulled into my driveway where I parked next to Ray’s car. I left mine running as I leaned back in the seat. “I don’t know. I’m sorry shit is so hard right now. I don’t want to make you feel like you can’t talk to me,” I said honestly and caught her gaze.
Ray acted like she wanted to add more to that, but then she simply smiled. “Thank you, Jax. It’s just hard now that you and Danny aren’t together. I feel bad for even being in your damn car right now.”
I watched her eyes, debating my next question until I just said fuck it and asked, “And that’s the only reason? Because I’m not with her anymore?”
She nodded quickly as if she didn’t give any thought to that question before answering. I decided to drop it though and looked away.
“Well, there’s your ride,” I said just for something to say.
“There it is. I should probably get back. Danny will want to know where I went,” she said.
I gazed out the windshield at the house and the darkness that surrounded us. “What are you going to tell her?” I asked.
I heard Ray’s deep inhale. “I’m not sure yet. I could tell her that Rachel or Kevin gave me a ride over here, but she’ll know I’m lying, so I don’t know.”
“Are you really so afraid to be around me that you will lie to her about it?” I asked.
“I’m not afraid. I just feel guilty and I know it’s dumb, because we are friends and that shouldn’t stop just because you guys broke up,” she said.
I nodded. “You are right. It shouldn’t.”
We were silent then and I figured she’d get out soon, but she stayed seated. The music wasn’t as loud as it had been, but I could still hear it and the bass from the song that played. I looked toward Ray and saw that she was staring out the window.
“You okay?” I asked.
I watched her nod, but I wasn’t a dumbass. I knew she was far from okay and that it had everything to do with Miles. Once again, an unexpected anger swelled in my chest at the thought of him hurting her. I had no idea how he could do it. I mean Ray has done some fucked up shit, but he hasn’t been a gentleman either and they were married now.
Didn’t that mean anything to him?
“I’m sorry,” I said and while I knew I wasn’t the guy she wanted to hear those words from, I still felt like I needed to say it.
“It’s not your fault,” she said and then, “You told me when we were at Twisted that if it were Danny who had done something like this, you wouldn’t wait on her. Would you really just end it all?” she asked.
I hadn’t been lying when I had said that, because I wouldn’t wait around. I hadn’t waited around when Danny had danced with Chase. I could have got over it if it hadn’t been for the fact that she said she wanted to dance with him. That was when I knew I had to call it off.
All of it.
I had been fucked over before. Cassy did a fantastic job of that and while I knew that Danny would end up hurting me somehow, someway, I wanted it to last as long as possible. I wanted years, a lifetime, but six months. That was all I got. Six months of pretending that I could actually have a lifetime with someone.
“Yes,” I said.
“Do you still love her?” Ray asked and then turned to look at me.
“Love isn’t something you can just shut off,” I said honestly, because I did love that damn girl, but she had made her choice.
“No, it’s not,” Ray said with a sigh, and I knew she was thinking about Miles.
“Are you going to talk to him?” I asked.
She seemed to think about it and then she nodded, “Yeah, I think so. I want to hear what he has to say about it all,” she said.
“What about me?” I teased with a grin.
Ray laughed, “Yes, Jaxson, I’ll talk to you.”
“Don’t I feel special,” I said.
She rolled her eyes, but it was the smile on her face that I was aiming for.
“Thanks for coming to pick me up and I’m sorry you got pulled over,” she said.
I shrugged and finally reached up to shut my car off. “Don’t worry about it, but let’s just keep that part between us,” I said as I twisted my keys around my finger.
She laughed. “Ok, deal.”
I sat there a minute and then grabbed the door handle, “Well, I guess I’ll talk to you later then.”
“Yeah, I’ll see you,” Ray said and then reached for her own door handle. We stared at each other for a minute before we finally got out.
I locked my car as she made her way to the driver’s side of hers. After getting it unlocked and the door open, Ray paused to look over the roof at me.
“Jaxson?”
I waited.
“Nevermind, forget it,” she said.
I chuckled. “Ok. I’ll see you around, Ray.”
She nodded as I turned away and headed up to the front door. I walked inside and closed the door behind me where I leaned back against it. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.
After a minute of standing there, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny bag. I opened my eyes and looked down at the bars inside. Tonight had been a close call. If that officer would have searched me, my secret would have been out and then there would have been no denying my problem.
It continually amazed me at how easy these fucking things started to control you, even after years of being away from them. It was like I had beat addiction, but it was never really gone for good, no matter how much time had passed since I walked away.
Just like that, I was back to square one.
Addiction was a lonely ass road; one I had struggled with my entire life. I could remember times when these tiny fucking bars were my only escape from the hell that surrounded me.
I knew I was better than this, but as I opened the bag and grabbed the half from yesterday’s bar, I realized I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.
I dropped the bar onto my tongue and closed my eyes as I swallowed.
In just a few minutes, I would be somewhere else entirely.
In just a few minutes, I wouldn’t be the Jaxson everyone knew.
The worst part was that I wasn’t even craving the high these bars gave me; I was craving the darkness. I could sleep for days on these and not have to feel a goddamn thing.
I pushed off the door and didn’t bother locking it as I headed to my bedroom where I pulled my shirt off in one motion. I dropped it to the ground and kicked my shoes off before I crawled onto the bed, not even bothering with the covers, and laid on my stomach with my arms tucked under the pillow. I turned my face away from the door and stared at the wall, only hearing silence and the sound of my heart beating as my eyes started to grow heavy.
I didn’t fight it as I drifted off into a deep, soundless sleep.
Chapter Fourteen
Danny
I had totally crashed before Ray got back last night, so I still hadn’t seen her since I had to be at work this morning, but I had noticed her car was sitting in the driveway.
That told me she had gone to Jax’s last night and picked it up.
I didn’t know why she thought she had to keep it a secret. I trusted her, and I knew she would never do something like go behind my back or Miles’ like that. I could never picture her doing anything like that with Jaxson. There was just no possible way.
And I understood that even if I wasn’t with him, Ray was still friends with him the same way Rachel or Kevin were. It didn’t matter if we were dating or not. I didn’t expect people to pick sides during this, and I wasn’t about to go around demanding it either.
I had no right to tell her or anyone who she could and couldn’t be friends with.
These were my thoughts as I carried out my shift that afternoon. During the time I’ve been working at Becky’s, I had learned a lot. It was basically like breathing to me now and I breezed through orders without any kind of dilemma.
I knew Ray had plans to go dress shopping after my shift was over and I was looking forward to it, because the busier I kept myself, the less likely I was to think about Jaxson or what I had done to him.
There was no way I could just forget about what happened or him, but being around people and distracting myself helped me to keep moving forward, even if it wasn’t what I expected to be doing six months into our relationship.
Six months. That was all it took for me to fuck up.
I pushed these thoughts aside as I carried a tray of food out from the kitchen and delivered it to the right table. I made sure the customers had full glasses without disturbing their conversation and then headed back to the kitchen where I dropped off my tray.
When I pulled my ticket book out and put the next order up, Gayla came up to me and nudged me with her hip. I still hadn’t grown that close to her. Like I wouldn’t share any kind of personal stuff, like my mental breakdown the other night, with her. She was simply a co-worker and that was about the extent of it, but even with just being that, I could tell her some things.
“You are on fire today,” Gayla said.
I shrugged and shoved my ticket book back into my apron, “Just want to get through this shift.”
“Big plans tonight?” she asked as she dropped off her own orders to the cook, who I wasn’t really close with at all either. I barely even remembered their name.
“Something like that. I’m going dress shopping with my bestie and I think we’re heading to Florida for her mom’s wedding,” I said.
Excitement boiled in me at the thought of heading back to Florida. It would be nice to get away from Hampton for a little while and see the beach again.
“Oh, that sounds like fun,” Gayla said.
I nodded and then heard the bell ring out front, indicating a customer was waiting to be seated. I sighed and headed out the door, effectively ending our conversation.
When I came out front, I saw who waited at the door and stopped in my tracks. My heart dropped to my stomach and I felt the urge to run into the back again, letting Gayla take this one. It felt like the situation with Brody all over again, but it was nothing like that. I had no history with the man standing at the front and I had no reason to want to run in the opposite direction.
So, I pulled my big girl panties on and started walking again.
Chase’s deep forest green eyes met mine. He stood with his hands in his pockets and the look of surprise on his face told me that he had no idea I worked here. I could see the faint bruise Jaxson had left on him.
I grabbed a menu on my way and then stopped just short of him, both of us staring at each other like we were waiting on the other to speak first.
Finally, he spoke.
“I, uh, is Gayla around?” he asked.
I blinked, but before I could answer him, I heard her.
“Chase! Hey, I didn’t know you were coming by today,” Gayla said as she marched straight up to him and reached up on her toes to plant a kiss on his cheek.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. My anger flared so suddenly that I didn’t have time to register what I was doing until it was happening.
I reached up with my free hand and connected with the opposite side from where Jaxson had hit him. The impact made him turn his head slightly and I heard Gayla’s gasp.
“You’re an asshole,” I said firmly.
“Danny! What the hell?!” Gayla asked as she reached up to examine the spot on Chase’s face.
He reached up and grabbed her hand, pushing it away as he turned his gaze on me. I could see the guilt in his eyes and it only annoyed me even more.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get a chance to tell you,” he said.
I laughed harshly. “You cost me every-fucking-thing,” I said angrily.
Gayla seemed to catch on, because she started looking between us and I could almost see the picture coming together in her mind. I didn’t wait on her to put the rest of the pieces together and started untying my apron. I threw it on the ground and grabbed my purse before I walked past them, heading out the door without a look back.
I was angry, with myself, and Chase.
The night at Twisted, he had come up to my table and asked me to dance. I had been drinking, and shamefully, a part of me wanted that dance with him. It wasn’t because I liked him. I didn’t even really know him, but I just knew he wasn’t Jaxson. I had no history with him. I didn’t have to feel guilty with him. I didn’t have to hide anything from him.
With Chase, I could just be Danny Marshall.
Not Danny Marshall, the girl who lost her child because her boyfriend decided to drink and drive, or the girl who caused the only man she ever loved after Brody to take someone’s life. I put that blood on Jaxson’s hands and he was the one who had to live with that for the rest of his life.
But I was the one who had been selfish, only to realize Chase was with someone, which was exactly what I deserved.
I hurried to my car, unlocking it in the process and jumped in. I didn’t wait on Chase or Gayla to come outside and started the engine. I skidded out of the parking spot, leaving both them and my job behind. I had no idea what I was going to do for income now, but I wasn’t about to go back to that place. I headed across town; toward the only place I could call home right now.
Miles’.
I knew Ray had class today, so she wouldn’t be there until later this evening, but I didn’t care. I would just wait on her. It was the only choice I had.
When I pulled into the driveway, I parked next to Miles’ car and shut mine off. I sat there, hearing my own heart pound in my ears as I held my keys in my hand.
I couldn’t believe how upside down my life has become. It was all so damn confusing, and I wasn’t sure what I needed to do next. I could feel myself on the verge of tears, but I refused to let them fall as I pulled my phone from my purse and turned it on.
When the screen finally lit up, I unlocked it and opened my contacts. I scrolled down until I found his number. I didn’t dial it. I just stared at Jax’s name. There was no way I could call him and explain things. He wouldn’t care. I knew that for a fact.
Jax was done with my shit, but he wasn’t the only one.
I was done with my shit too.
My heart ached at the thought of not having him, but I shoved that pain aside. I didn’t deserve to feel that kind of heartache. It was my fault I didn’t have him.
I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose. I willed my heart to slow down, but it shot through the roof when my phone suddenly started ringing in my hand. It caused me to jump and I dropped it on the floor as it continued to ring.
“Damnit,” I said to myself and reached down to grab it off the floor.
When I finally had my hand around it, I leaned up and saw who was calling.
Miles flashed across the screen.
I sighed heavily and then answered. “Hello.”
“Hey,” he said.
I pulled my eyebrows together, “Uh hey?” It came out as a question.
Miles didn’t say anything for a minute, but then I heard him take a deep breath. “Can I talk to you about something? I know what happened between you and Jax, so I’m sorry I have to ask this.”
Now I was confused.
“Uh, what about him?” I asked.
“Have you, I don’t know, noticed anything different about him?” he asked.
I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
“No, why?”
“Just curious,” he said.
“Miles?” I pushed for more, because I could tell there was something he wasn’t saying.
I heard something on the other end of the phone, like he was moving. “I don’t know. I just feel like he isn’t telling me something. I didn’t figure Ray would answer me and I knew if anything was off about Jax, you were the best person to ask,” he said.
“Not anymore,” I said.
He sighed. “I’m sorry, Danny. I know we aren’t close or whatever, but I still consider you family. I hate to see my family hurting.”
His words were meant to make me feel better but considering what he has done to my best friend, they did the exact opposite and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Miles, you left Ray. Your wife, without any answers and then you tell me that you hate to see your family hurting. You hurt her. Isn’t she your family? More than any of us,” I asked, frustrated.
I hated men. Period.
“Yes, she is the most important person to me. I know I fucked up and I’ve been trying to fix it, but she won’t let me,” he said.
I sighed. “You don’t need to fix it over the damn phone, Miles. You need to get your ass back home and fix it in person.”
“I won’t be back until sometime this weekend,” he said then.
I laughed and shook my head. “Ok, well good luck telling Ray that. You really have no idea what the hell you’re doing,” I said.
“Danny, I get it. I don’t need you to jump my ass. I know I’ve been an asshole and I want to explain myself. I just need to get through this shit with Mia first,” he said, and I could hear the annoyance in his tone.
“Whatever, is that all you needed?” I asked, done with this whole conversation.
“I just wanted to check on Jax. That’s the only reason I called you,” he said.
“Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about, so I guess I can’t help you,” I said.
He was silent then.
“Miles?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I’ll let you go. I just thought I would check,” he said.
“Ok, see you around then,” I answered and then we hung up. I threw my phone into my lap and closed my eyes again.
Miles had called us a family, but right now, all it felt like was a broken piece of glass. I didn’t want to admit it, but I could feel it deep in my bones.
It was just a matter of time before those pieces were lost for good.
