It Takes Two, page 37
She shakes her head, looking down and lightly touching her fingers against her stomach, wondrous that something very life-changing is beginning to be constructed in there.
“This was my mistake,” she says, looking back up at him. “But maybe this time I can turn it into something good.”
The smile on his face and the shine in his eyes makes her feel warm inside. He looks just as slightly stunned as she does. But with something hopeful too.
“Do you want to call your mom today?”
“I should… Glen, do you think this is a good idea? I mean honestly, don’t just say something to make me feel better.”
He looks thoughtful for a moment, but sure of his answer.
“If you think you can do it, then you can. And if this is something you really want… I think you should maybe take some time to think about it before you make a solid decision.”
Jazzy nods, taking another long sip of her milkshake as she contemplates. Of course. She can’t just decide now. This is going to be the rest of her life.
The rest of her life…
She puts her milkshake down quickly as another wave of nausea threatens to roil through her.
“I’d be out of college by the time I had it,” she rationalizes. “Then I’d be free to work full-time to support it… God, but who’d watch it while I’m working?”
“Well… I’m sure your mom would help out, right?”
“I doubt my mom wants to raise a baby at this time in her life.” Jazzy laughs, already picturing her mother’s face if she were presented with such an endeavor.
“She will if it’s her grandchild.”
Grandchild… her mom’s going to be a grandmother.
“Do you think I’m old enough to be a mom?”
Mom… mother. The word makes her dizzy again. She’s glad they’re outside.
“Jazz…” Glen looks unsure of what he is about to say, staring down at the metal table beneath them with a pained, saddened look in his eyes that makes her chest ache. But he continues. “I just… well, I was one too. An accident baby.”
Jazzy suddenly remembers everything Glen ever told her (or didn’t tell her, more accurately) about his parents. She can only look at him in astonishment.
“And my parents never let me forget it for a day of my life. That’s why things between us have never been… great. It didn’t help that I was so different from them. That’s why they’re so happy to finally keep me away from them.”
Jazzy tries to search for something to say. Something to… comfort him, maybe. But obviously he has been very settled with this fact about his parents for some time now.
“As long as you don’t do anything like that to your kid, you’ll be fine.”
She supposes that should be easy enough. And she doesn’t say it out loud, she never would… but she doesn’t think she would want to be like her own mother either.
“I’m glad you’re here.” The words come out of her mouth before she can think, and Glen looks at her questioningly. “I’m glad that accident happened.”
His lips quirk into a half grin as he laughs to himself. But she can see through the look in his eyes the effect her words have on him.
“I don’t know.” She sighs again, her hands going to her face. “I don’t know, I… suddenly I have this whole life in front of me, and I feel like I might kind of want… but I’ve never even considered this before, not right now, and not like this…”
“Jazmine.”
He reaches over to take both of her hands in his, and she snaps to attention at the way he says her name. Again, as she looks into his face, she is sure something in it has changed during her time away. But she can’t think of what it is.
“Just take it one step at a time right now. Let’s make sure everything is okay. Talk to your mom. Wait for her to come down. And then you can start figuring out what to do.”
She grips his hands tighter. “Will you stay with me until she gets here?” The idea of waiting days alone in her apartment before her mom can get here…
Glen doesn’t flinch for a second. “Of course.”
One of the billion things that made her fall in love with Glen was how he seems to relish taking care of people. How safe and comforted that had made her feel, and still does, obviously.
And there is an inexplicable yearning in her now, as she sits here with him, and wonders if she could do that for someone too. Maybe in a slightly different way, but to make them feel just as loved.
That, she realizes, is one of the most amazing things she could do. The one thing her mom, who could juggle everything so effortlessly, never was able to do. Something that she feels is within her, maybe just as naturally as it is in Glen. Something she could give to someone she loves beyond anything else in the world.
Chapter 44
Jazzy can tell her mother does not enjoy the city setting at all. The woman looks even more curled in on herself than she normally does when she goes out, jumping at every horn honking and moving closer to the table whenever she hears people walking by. Jazzy wonders if she should have chosen somewhere indoors to sit, but she can hardly stand being inside lately.
She immediately rules out asking her mom to move here to watch out for her baby while she goes to work. It might have been a nice theory, but her mom has already chosen her life. Jazzy would feel awful about throwing a wrench into it because of her irresponsibility.
“So… how did this all happen?” her mother asks first after they have sat in silence for a while until their drinks arrive. Jazzy decided to bring her mom to the same diner she had gone to with Glen, the one he has taken her to almost every morning because she basically wants to try everything on the menu and has to refrain from ordering every single item each time she comes. But she’s feeling slightly less appetized this particular visit.
“There was someone I was with for just a little while,” she explains, not really wanting to hash out all the details, “and we made a mistake. By the time I found out… well, there isn’t any way I can get ahold of him anymore.”
That’s not entirely a lie. She didn’t even get a last name, let alone a phone number. She can hardly remember his first name or which dorm room she had stumbled out of the morning after.
“He’s out of the picture,” she continues when she sees her mother’s befuddled look. “Permanently. And I don’t think he’d want to hear about any kids anyway.”
Thankfully, her mom doesn’t push.
“You’re not with Glen anymore?” she asks, raising her coffee mug to her lips but lowering it suddenly, as if she had just remembered this bit of information.
Jazzy’s shocked that she even recalled his name.
“No.”
She’s almost startled to remember that she never did tell her mother about her and Glen once she went back home. She had never asked, and Jazzy certainly never volunteered the information with how she had been feeling at the time. But now… she can’t help but feel something cold inside of her as she realizes just how much she has always hid from her mother. And the things her mother has never bothered to ask about.
Her mom nods slowly, awkwardly sipping from her coffee before setting it down and tapping her fingers along the ivory ceramic glass, looking how she does before she says something uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry.”
Jazzy’s surprised at the genuine sorrow in her voice. She hadn’t even really known Glen.
They both look away awkwardly, her mother tensing again when a group of people shout to each other from across the street. Jazzy notices her mom looks like she at least came with the proper clothes. A warm-looking sweater and long jeans, as opposed to all the shorts and summer dresses Jazzy had come with when she first arrived. Maybe she had remembered what Jazzy said about the weather.
“What’s the next step then?” her mom asks after another moment of silence while Jazzy chews on the straw for her water.
She’s had time to think over the past few days. She hasn’t even talked about it that much with Glen, instead taking the time to simply think. She knows what she wants, but she also knows what is best. She wants to make this easy on her mom, but also on the child she is going to raise.
And though she is terrified that someday she is going to wake up and completely change her mind, she knows that, if she wants to become a good parent, she is going to have to start making the right choices and going through with them. Ultimately, her life is going to belong entirely to someone else now.
“I think it would be best if I came back home. To Washington, I mean. I can finish college online; I’ve looked into it and emailed my counselor. I could maybe stay with you, just until the baby’s born, and then… I don’t know. Find somewhere eventually to live on my own.”
Her mom stares at her with wide eyes. “You… you want to keep it then?”
Jazzy feels her heart patter. But just as it has been for the past couple of days, it isn’t in fear or anxiety. It’s with a sense of new purpose.
“At first I felt like I had to, but…”
She doesn’t know how to put it into words, what she has been feeling since she found out about the beginnings of her child growing inside of her. The feeling that nothing has ever been quite right before. Like something was missing. Even after she had everything she thought she wanted, there seemed to be another piece, something in her that yearned to give more love and attention to something, to someone.
“Are you upset with me?” Jazzy can’t help but ask as she watches her mother’s expression while worrying the edges of her shirt with her fingernails.
Her mom’s eyes look startled as she wraps her hands around the coffee mug and keeps them there. “Why would I be upset with you?”
“Because of the mess I’ve made with… all of this. All your time and money I just wasted being out here. I did nothing but work for a bit, have a mental breakdown, and then get knocked up.”
Her mom looks a little thrown off by her choice of words. Honestly, Jazzy’s surprised her language isn’t worse than that after spending a couple years here in the city. But she also knows she used the words almost as if to test her, to try to see what her mother really thinks.
“Well… if you’re deciding to keep the baby, maybe it’s not a complete mistake. Right?”
Maybe it’s the slight change of expression on her mom’s face. The hint of a smile. The gentle ease of reassurance. The promise, that despite everything, whatever their relationship may be or might not be, she is her daughter.
Jazzy and her… they will always have each other, in their own strange way. Somehow, they’ll get through all of this together.
She’s sure of her choice now. She wants to go home, to regain some element or normalcy. And then she is going to try again. Only this time with someone much more important than her to look after.
But the last thing that plagues her mind now is that she will have to tell Glen that she is leaving.
Liza, Amanda, Glen… all of them she knows she is unlikely to ever see again once she leaves for good.
While Jazzy is out with her mom, Glen meets up with Tori at a coffee shop near work. She looks so inviting, sitting with her arms casually laid out on the table, her hair pulled back into a high ponytail to unveil her kind, welcoming face.
He wants to tell her everything when she asks if everything’s all right with his ex. But he thinks it might be better to keep Jazzy’s business private from now on.
“There’s a lot going on,” he tells her, “but that’s not why I wanted to talk to you.”
She doesn’t react, just waits for him to go on.
“I’ve been an ass,” he says bluntly. “I know you say it’s fine, but you don’t deserve the way I’ve been treating you. I’ve been using you like a crutch while I’ve tried to figure out what I want. And you’ve just been waiting at my beck and call whenever I need someone.”
He looks up at her again, his gaze having wandered off in shame during his somewhat practiced, yet clumsily executed apology.
“That wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry. I think you’re a wonderful person and I would still love to be friends, but… I think that’s all we should be from now on.”
He figures he will forever be waiting for the day when this woman gets angry at him. Especially since this is now sort of the second time he’s given her this type of speech. But she just nods casually, as if she were merely having a conversation with someone about which reality TV show catches their fancy the most.
“I think that’s probably best,” she agrees. “No offense, really, because I like you a lot and everything, but… after you ran off last time, which you absolutely needed to do and I told you to do, I was actually planning on calling you up myself to officially break off our little thing here. But you know I would have made it clear if I was ever unhappy about any part of our dynamic before.”
She offers him a friendly smile, a smile that holds no resentment or annoyance, though it should. “I’m just trying to figure out what I want too.”
Her words make him feel a lot better.
“I guess… that’s what all of us are trying to do,” he replies, his eyes shifting down to the small little wooden table riddled with small divots of natural wear, imperfections in the otherwise shiny wood.
“Are you gonna stay with her?”
Glen has thought the question over and over in his head. Wondering if he should ask Jazzy if he could stay with her now, to help her through whatever she chooses to do, as overwhelming and possibly scary as that might be. But he knows it’s about time for him to take his own advice, the advice that has gotten him enough breaks and opportunities to be where he is now.
“I’m just gonna see how it goes.”
Tori gives a firm nod before taking a bite out of her chocolate croissant, seeming to contemplate for a moment as she chews before looking back up at him.
“You don’t have to force anything, Glen. In fact, if you’re trying to, it’s probably a bad sign.”
Glen can’t help but laugh quietly to himself, despite feeling something sharp and painful inside of him. “Yeah. No kidding.”
“Hey.” She grins, leaning forward and giving him a gentle shove on his shoulder. “You’re a cool person. I think you’ll turn out okay.”
He laughs louder now at her remark. “Thanks.”
She winks, cocking her head knowingly as she leans back. “No problem, kiddo. And hey, even though we’re just friends now, don’t expect to stop getting more movie recommendations from me after I’ve finished an amazing film that must be seen by you.”
“I’d be incredibly sad if you stopped.”
“I won’t.”
His phone buzzes, and Tori goes off to the restroom while he looks down to see the message glowing across his screen.
Where’s the CD player? Do you have it up there?
Seeing his dad’s number staring back at him doesn’t give him quite the same choked feeling it usually does. Not in the same way at least. Not in anger, but in something more pitying. Enough to allow him to answer with minimal sarcasm.
Yeah. I like listening to music at night, remember?
No. He doesn’t feel angry. All he can think about is being ten years old, staring at the shadows of the trees in the backyard through his bedroom window at night as one of his many movie soundtracks played through the CD player on his bookshelf.
Can you not listen to music through your phone?
I like the sound of the CD speakers
And he thinks of Jazzy.
Maybe that is the reason, probably for the first time ever, he taps his finger on his parents’ familiar, Colorado home number, after only staring at it for a few seconds of building up his nerves, then putting the phone to his ear to listen as the dial tone begins.
Chapter 45
The venue for Amanda’s wedding is all outside, under a long parade of large white tents decorated to excess with buckets of flowers that attract a whole host of critters. Thankfully most of the ceremony takes place in the evening, so the bugs vanish along with the sun.
Needless to say, Jazzy had received a call from Liza not long after the incident at the photoshoot session saying it would probably be best if she was not one of the bridesmaids anymore. Jazzy had no argument with that. She’s been a little too preoccupied with her developing pregnancy to worry about all of Amanda’s planned meetings about the bridal procession.
She knows all the girls are still angry with her, no doubt even more so after she has completely bailed on them during all of this. But for the first time ever, Jazzy couldn’t care less. All she wants to think about now is her child.
No one really talks to her at the wedding when she arrives, mostly because she really doesn’t know any of the guests. Normally, she would have tried to do everything in her power to get the girls to forgive her so they could all be friends again. But she’s not in the mood for drama tonight. So she is going to let it go for the evening and try to have a nice night.
The last night of fun before she leaves and won't see anyone here ever again.
Jazzy had found a thin satin hot-pink gown that fits comfortably for a pretty reasonable price. She had matched it with a pair of costume jewelry earrings shaped in the form of large teardrops and had gone to a salon that styled her hair in a slightly messy bun behind her head that left strands of her musty-blonde hair poking out. She knew Liza certainly wouldn’t be in the mood to help her with her hair one more time, so she had to do it herself.
“Hi, Liza.” She smiles politely when she catches her in a moment alone by the punch table. Liza has her blonde and blue-green hair twisted up into a nice bun-twist hairdo and she wears a spaghetti-strap black dress that hugs tightly along her upper body before flowing out in short little wisps around her legs.
