It Takes Two, page 26
When she gets home later than planned, she is surprised to see Glen looking to be in a relatively-good mood. He is watching TV and eating a snack, just as if everything is normal.
“How was your day?” he asks casually after she’s walked in and stands awkwardly in between the kitchen and the living room.
“Good,” she answers, cautious of his tone.
“What happened? You’re home late.” There’s still no malice in his tone, though he still doesn’t look at her.
“Work called. They asked if I wanted to come in for a bit.”
He doesn’t look surprised and just stares blankly at the TV.
“Of course,” he replies, still with no irritation present.
She gets ready for bed, thinking she might sit with him on the couch for a little bit and maybe he’ll want to talk. But before she can even go back out, he comes in and heads right to bed. They both just lie there quietly until Glen goes peacefully off to sleep and Jazzy lies awake almost the entire night, tears running silently down her face, and the distance between her and the man beside her achingly present.
***
Tori and Glen are taking a much-needed lunch break after a couple hours of looking at more outdoor locations, which included some especially large courtyards that required a few long hours of walking. But there was an incredible view to look at at every turn, so it had been far from boring. Tori of course knew a nearby place to go to lunch, and they’re sitting on a nice patio overlooking a yard of colorful flowers blooming surprisingly well even though it isn’t quite spring yet.
Glen supposes his expression is giving away his inner mood again based on what Tori says next.
“My ex and I had a pretty rocky relationship,” she begins casually, sighing as she looks out over the nice display of flowers, chewing on a french fry. “I mean, everything was perfect at first. You know how it is; we were so in love it hurt, and we never thought anything else was ever going to feel so good; we thought we’d just die without each other. But after a while… all that wore off.”
She says it so casually, as if that intense love she had just been describing, the feeling the Glen knows of very well, doesn’t mean anything at all to her anymore.
“The longer you get to know someone, the more you realize how different your goals and morals are. Or, in my case, you start to discover you actually have goals. We became so isolated from each other, and it was so painful at first, but… after we decided to go down our own paths, it was like this weight had been cut from me.”
She’s looking directly at him now when he turns to face her.
“Things felt so much better when I could just be myself and focus on myself without having to worry about what someone else would think or how they would react.”
Glen can tell she is saying this to try and make a point to him. She obviously can plainly see how upset he still is.
“Are you saying I should leave my girlfriend?” he asks jokingly, but saying the words out loud sends something cold and fearful through him. Something that makes his heart pound with worry, but also… wonder.
“Of course not,” Tori answers, her tone softer, matching the kind look in her eyes. “I’m telling you it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling right now. Because I went through the same thing for over a year.”
“You sound like you know everything about me and I haven’t even told you a thing.”
She just gives him a sweet, lopsided smile.
“Look, you’re young. We’re young. Nobody was there to remind me of this, but whatever you want to do is okay. You’re in the midst of figuring out what you want in life.”
Glen supposes that’s true. He had certainly thought that by twenty-six he would at least have a closer idea of what he wants. He thought settling in with Jazzy was a closer step.
But maybe… there could be more that he wants. If his experience so far with this whole scouting thing has been any indication, then he is still just wandering aimlessly in the world of adulthood. For the first time, he knows what Jessica had meant all that time ago. And also, maybe, why Jazzy is as passionate as she is about what she wants to do.
He had always worried so much about Jazzy and what she needed and making sure she was in the right place. Now that she is, maybe what she wants is different too. And maybe… maybe he wants to worry about himself for a change.
“Thank you,” he tells Tori after she’s gone back to her fries and grilled cheese. “I’d never… I’ve never thought about it like that before.”
“Look, you’re right.” She nods at him. “I don’t know you that well, or have any idea about what’s going on. All I know is you seem really unhappy.”
Instinctually, he wants to argue. Plead that she just caught him on a bad day, during a bad moment.
But he realizes he’s been unhappy long before Tori met him.
***
Did you get your father’s message? How much do you need this month?
Always somehow able to home in on his lowest point, the text from his mother seems to taunt Glen when he gets home. For a moment though, staring at his mother’s purposefully unattached words, he regrets never telling them about Jazzy. If only so that he could have someone who knows about everything, who knows him, who could somehow tell him what to do.
Nothing. Still working.
Someone had apparently offered to cover Jazzy’s shift today since she filled in for someone who was out sick the other day. So she gets home in time to have dinner with Glen, though he finds himself pulled in a million different directions that aren’t anywhere near the dining room table.
She tries to make some conversation, but he is so deep in thought, he responds with only one or two letter words.
He knows he cannot show her an inch of what he is feeling, because he hates it. He hates that he is actually entertaining the idea of ending what, at least at one point, was the best part of his life. But the thought of it… the thought of the relief it might bring him, makes the idea unable to go away. And now all the possibilities are there, running back and forth in his mind.
It nearly breaks his heart to ignore her like this. But he can’t even bring himself to look into her eyes, knowing he is going to fall for her all over again and take her into his arms and kiss her a million times and say how sorry he is and that he doesn’t care what she does, as long as she stays with him.
Because the truth is, he does care what she does. He cares a lot. And as they lay motionlessly and wordlessly in bed for the second time, he reminds himself why he feels the way he does. He tries to remember the last time Jazzy was interested in them. He tries to remember the last time she even asked about him or how his day is going and what he did that day when she was so busy with everything else that is so much more important to her. And now, he also tries to remember the last time he even wanted to share things with her.
Maybe there is something in him that is pulling away as well. Something he didn’t even realize. Something that makes him feel… differently about her.
Now he’s even more anxious than he had been before. Only instead of wallowing in despair over his wilting relationship, he can’t help but desperately try to think of a way out.
Chapter 30
Jazzy still can’t lose herself in her work, now that the chasm between her and Glen feels like it only grows with each and every day. She thinks Delphine almost notices during their weekly meeting to discuss the upcoming events to schedule for the next month. The ever so noticeable dip in her previously beyond eager participation. She tries to cover it up, kicking herself back up with false energy, a feigned bright look on her face as she continues listening to the director laying out the plans and roles for the month. But her mind couldn’t be further from the discussion.
She has lunch with Liza the next day between her classes, deciding to tell her a little bit about what’s going on. She thinks of all people, maybe she can help, but doesn’t want to divulge all their personal business, so she tries to make things as vague as possible.
“The first thing you need to do is get it out of your head that you’ve done anything wrong,” Liza informs her immediately. “You can’t do anything wrong in a relationship, unless you’re a cheater or an abuser. There are no consequences for what either you or Glen ever do to each other, except what you make up in your head.” She seems to huff to herself as she takes a sip of her Coke. “That’s why relationships are bullshit.”
“So… I should do nothing?” Jazzy questions unsurely.
“You do whatever you feel you have to do,” Liza shrugs. “But if your man can’t handle it, that’s his problem. You have nothing to answer for because he has no control over your life, Jazz.”
“But now I’m the one who’s unhappy,” Jazzy protests.
“Then do something that makes you happy. And if that includes kicking him to the curb, then so be it.”
“It’s not that serious, I just feel like… I need to show him that I care about us. Not just him, the both of us. And that I love him.”
Her voice peters out on that last sentence and Liza’s eyebrows raise, but she doesn’t question it.
“It’s just hard for my mind to focus on so many different things at once,” she continues. “With this and school and work… I can’t handle it all. I didn’t realize… everything just worked before. But now I feel like I need to take focus off of school or my job in order to… I don’t know if I can even do that.”
“Well then he needs to understand that if he wants to be with you,” Liza concludes.
***
Glen feels horrible for doing it, but he does it. He does it the moment Jazzy leaves for school. She says nothing to him, of course and he makes no attempt to say goodbye to her either. It’s almost a relief when one of them leaves the apartment now and neither of them has to address the horrible unsaid fears.
He has most of the day off, and he takes the time to visit with the landlord and make the arrangements to get his old apartment back. He can’t believe it was available, but it looks like no one had moved in in all the time he was living with Jazzy.
This is the best way to do it. It has to be. It will be quicker this way, less painful and less dramatic. Jazzy is already inching further and further away anyway, and it won’t take long for her to see for herself how far apart they have grown and will only continue to grow. This way, he can just get out of her way and let her go on with everything without him stumbling around trying to move out.
He actually feels a bit better when he goes back to work and sees Tori waiting for him. They get breakfast together before going in, both talking about how this day is going to suck after their brief little vacation-esque interlude.
“You at least seem to be in a brighter mood,” she notices as they both sit atop the tiny cement slab in front of the cafe across the street from work, chewing away at the bagels they had ordered that are quite stale.
“I’m going to take your advice,” he tells her, feeling even more of that dreadful weight lifted from him as he finally says it out loud to someone. “I’m… doing something for me.”
She looks confused, but she nods slowly at him. “Well, I’m glad I could help,” she replies. “So long as everything’s better now?”
“I think it will be,” he answers, still not wanting to specify just yet. He just wants to get it over with first.
Jazzy ends up staying late at the library to finish up her homework. Doing it at her actual home has become far too anxiety-ridden to be productive. And she’s fallen a bit behind between work and stressing about trying to think of what to say to Glen to make things better.
She’s nearly home when her phone lights up with a text from Glen. All it says is that they should talk when she gets home.
This is the first direct contact he’s attempted to make with her since he’d gone radio silent that night at dinner, so she supposes this is a good sign. She quickly texts him back that that sounds good. She’s not sure what has inspired him to want to talk now, but she knows it needs to be done. She knows she’s not the only one who has been feeling this awful strain between them.
She moves very quickly once she is off the bus and on the street to the building, her heart pounding in fear of what is going to be said, but also anxious to get it out of the way. She’s never had a serious talk like this in a relationship, so she’s not quite sure how it is supposed to be done.
Glen is sitting at the dining room table when she gets in. Something seems very different right away, and she’s not sure what it is. But it doesn’t feel right.
“Hey,” he greets her as she puts down her bag near the counter and walks over to him. “Do you want to sit down?”
He doesn’t seem angry or irritated. He’s strange though. Like he’s unsure or is trying to be careful with something.
Once they are both seated, there is a brief lapse of silence. Jazzy wonders if she is supposed to start talking first, but figures he must have wanted to say something if he called this meeting.
“Jazzy…” he begins, his eyes filled with the oddest mix of kindness and something between hopefulness and fear. “I care about you a lot. What we have has meant so much to me.”
Well, she hadn’t really been expecting to start this way. She wonders if this is like some compliment sandwich kind of thing and prepares something nice to say to him as well, but then he continues.
“But I think we moved a little too fast. With all of this.”
She’s very still as she waits to hear the rest.
“I think maybe we weren’t ready to be together in this way.”
His voice sounds so soft through the quiet apartment.
“And maybe we’ve both changed a bit and are figuring out what we want. And I think that’s different things. Do you… agree?”
Jazzy remembers in sixth grade how she had started having so much trouble in math. She had been failing test after test until her teacher decided she needed private tutoring lessons before school started. Every single morning she had smiled with false confidence and lied so easily through her teeth when asked if she understood.
Yes, I understand. No, I don’t need any help. I’m fine.
It had been instinctual. To just smile and nod and make the teacher’s morning easier. It had been the same result when she had tried to go see a therapist in high school when her anxiety was so bad. The instinct had immediately kicked back in.
Yes, I’m fine. I don’t need any help.
It’s been so long, but it’s like nothing has changed. It’s as easy now as it had been then.
“Yes.” She nods slowly, her voice only slightly monotonous. “I agree.”
“It’s nobody’s fault or anything. Actually, if anything, it’s on me for jumping to move in together so fast. I was just so…”
Whatever he had been about to say makes a gut-wrenching frown suddenly spring onto his face, so he shakes his head and says something else instead. “I just think we were both expecting something different out of this, and then things just changed so much. Maybe it’s best at this point if we start to… move on.”
He says this next part very slowly, and even though Jazzy could see it coming by now, it still sends a sharp pain through her that makes her painfully aware and alert of what is happening.
When Robert Shimick had broken off their two-week relationship at the end of senior year, it had been something that was simply mutually agreed upon. Something that didn’t have to be spoken about, and no one was hurt or offended.
She was mature then. She is mature now.
Just do what you did with Robert… You’re fine… You don’t need any help, thank you…
“Yeah.” She nods again, forcing her mind to pretend that it is exactly in sync with everything Glen is saying, like it had been with Robert. “I agree.”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you, or because I’m angry at you, or anything like that.” He speaks so professionally. Like he wants to cover every bit of ground, like he has practiced this in his head for weeks. “But I don’t think either of us are really happy like this.”
“No. No, I agree. It would be best.”
Glen looks as if he is finally able to relax with tremendous relief. “Good.”
She’s surprised she is able to handle herself so well. Usually she reads like an open book, but she is doing excellent at keeping her expression stoic and her voice sounding level. To be honest, the pain has sort of numbed as quickly as it came. She feels… hardly anything at all.
“You’ve actually inspired me a lot. I’ve seen how happy you are with your new job and everything and how steadfast you’ve always been in what you want. I think I realized I want that too, more than I thought I did. So I think we’re both gonna be a lot happier if we can both take the time to just focus on that.”
“Yeah,” Jazzy agrees again, painting the false expression on her face. “That would be best.”
“So, I already got everything arranged to move out,” Glen explains, his tone shifting ever so slightly, as if he is moving into the “general housekeeping” part of the discussion, as her boss would put it, “so that I won’t have to be in your way.”
She realizes what feels different is that he must have moved most of his stuff out already. How had she not noticed?
“My old apartment is actually still free, so I can just move back in there. I just grabbed a couple bags of my stuff, I only have a few more things that I can grab when you’re at school or work and then I’ll be finished. I just didn’t want this to have to be dragged out longer than it has to be.”
