The Light of the World, page 26
Not sure what to say, Eva swallowed nervously. “I don’t know,” she lied. She wasn’t about to tell him Liv’s secrets. She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, her feet scuffling against the aged grey-brown carpet. She was sick of the lies, sick of having to betray the bonds of friendship over and over again just to keep everyone safe.
Al scratched at his chin, where a day or two of beard was growing. “She’s super quiet recently. Normally she’s chatty as all get out, you know that as well as I do, but she’s been mostly silent. Not even talking to Dad much. It’s weird, Eva.” He shook his head. “Real weird.”
Eva bit the inside of her cheek to keep herself from spilling Liv’s secrets. She shrugged in response to Al’s exasperation. There was nothing that she could do about it and she was simply trying to get the point across as best she could. She wasn’t the person to go to for an explanation on Liv, who could drive all coherent thought from Eva’s mind effortlessly.
“How is she today?”
“A bit better.” Al sighed. “It’s just annoying to deal with that cryptic talk on a daily basis.”
“Is your dad here?” Eva asked.
Al shook his head. “Nah, had to run some errands and take some stuff to the bank. Do you think that that’s why she’s a bit better today? Did they have a fight?”
Eva feigned ignorance. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, she’s back there if you want to see her.” He indicated with his thumb. If this had been any other time, Eva would have felt drawn to Al, intrigued by him. She might even want to ask him out. This was the problem. She was cast into the same role with Liv that her grandmother had played for Wren. The whole situation was so frustrating. Eva didn’t know what she wanted. She did want to see Liv, but she didn’t know if she should so soon after Liv’s revelation.
Al seemed on edge, and avoiding talking about Theo and Liv seemed like a good idea. She didn’t want him to pick up on her discomfort and get upset, so she changed the subject. “My dad came in and installed a new light fixture in the hallway. My mom got it at an antique mall in some tiny booth in Bridgeport of all places. It’s hideous.”
Al laughed. “I’ll bet. Old people have the worst taste.”
“Exactly. We have to paint the kitchen cabinets. I think I’m going to try to do that this Monday, or at least do the prep.” Eva glanced down at the counter between them. She felt bad about asking him for help after running him off the other day. “I did tell Liv that I’d stop by, so I probably should go back and say hey.”
He nodded his agreement. “Let me know if you want to borrow the sander again.” He bit his lip and looked down a little guiltily. “Or if you want help in general.”
Feeling just a little ashamed, Eva turned to go. “I will.” She smiled over her shoulder at him and he nodded in response.
Preoccupied, Eva wandered toward the back of the bookshop. Off in the distance, she could hear the ancient furnace roaring beneath the floor. It was warm in the bookstore, but it wasn’t toasty by any means. Theo skimped on the heating because the bookstore didn’t make enough money to pay an exorbitant heating bill.
The door to the back room was half open. Liv was standing at the far end of the table, a book open before her and a pencil tucked behind her ear. Her face was drawn into a frown of concentration.
Eva easily slipped into the room unnoticed. She moved quietly to stand beside Liv and lean over her shoulder.
The book on the table was an anthology of anti-suffrage political cartoons from the turn of the century. The image depicted a group of obviously Victorian women sitting around a bar, smoking, drinking and reading the newspaper.
“It looks like a hopping party, doesn’t it?” Liv asked, turning to look at Eva. She was so close… as close as Al had been, but Eva’s heart was racing now.
“I wanted to sneak up on you,” Eva replied. She frowned and Liv smiled playfully at her in response. “Spoilsport.”
“I think you like it when I best you.”
“Maybe.” Eva leaned closer to read the caption of the cartoon. It mentioned the artist and little else. Liv shifted, warmth radiating off her body. Her hand rested on the small of Eva’s back. Eva’s ears and neck felt as if they were on fire, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t ruin this moment. She was terrified to do anything. “I wanted to come by and apologize to Al. See you. Maybe try and talk to Theo again.” she said.
Liv’s fingers traced gentle patterns through Eva’s jacket. Liv was quietly humming to herself as she leaned against Eva. The gentle vibration of her chest set Eva’s heart aflutter.
“Why?” Liv asked.
“I don’t know,” Eva began. “I guess I wanted to try to find out more about why he’s so obsessed with finding the light of the world, you know? I know he said that it was because of a story he heard as a child, but it can’t be just that.” She fiddled with the page, not quite willing to meet Liv’s eyes as she turned around to get a better look at Eva. “There has to be more to it than just a childhood memory and a failed academic dream.”
Liv sidestepped away from Eva and turned to meet her gaze evenly. “I don’t know if there is,” she replied. “And if there is, that you want to know the answer.”
“I do,” Eva said, nodding emphatically. “I have to know.”
When Eva was much younger, she had asked her grandmother why some people didn’t seem to care about others and why no one ever spoke up about injustice. A teacher in her elementary school turned a blind eye to the bullying of another kid and Eva was torn as to how to handle it. Her grandmother sat her down and looked her firmly in the eye. “If you are the only one who notices, you have to speak up,” she told Eva. “Always. Because if no one else is noticing it, that person is invisible. That person who is being hurt has no one but you to speak up for them.”
Eva always tried to be the person her grandmother expected her to be. She didn’t know if getting to the bottom of the mystery of the diaries was what she’d had in mind for Eva. Maybe she should help Theo realize that he couldn’t keep chasing a white whale and that the light of the world was just a fiction. Maybe that was the good she was supposed to do in her life.
Talking to Theo might help them both to come to some sort of an understanding that it was not the light of the world, but rather Eva’s grandmother, who had brought them together.
“If that’s what you want to do,” Liv said. She looked off into the middle distance for a moment. Her eyes looked glazed and unfocused. Eva wet her lips. If Liv was going to be so close and not make a move, it would be up to Eva to cross that small distance between them.
Eva swallowed.
It shouldn’t be this hard, and she knew it. She could just lean in and kiss her. Liv was close enough. She could take a chance and a leap of faith. Liv had kissed her once. Eva wanted her to do it again.
They were repeating the same pattern. She’d seen the story played out across the pages of her grandmother’s diaries, but she didn’t know if she could be as strong as her grandmother and let the future fall to chance. She did not want to become like her grandmother—trapped forever, mourning a lost love.
Liv let out a quiet breath and leaned forward to collect the book. Her warmth was gone in a flash. She crossed the room and put the book back onto a shelf on the far wall. She came back, grabbing her notes from the desk.
Eva raised an eyebrow. “More research?”
Liv’s writing looked like dancing. It flowed beautifully across the page as she bent to add a few notes. Already the page was littered with details of early feminism and the pervading societal views of it. “There’s always more research.”
Eva laughed. There was no lie there.
Liv’s blonde hair spilled over her shoulders and her cheeks flushed a little. “Your grandmother’s story deserves to be told, Eva.” Liv held out the pad. “This is what I’ve got so far.”
Eva read greedily, following the loop and swirl of Liv’s handwriting. Liv had documented the major events of 1925 from what they’d read in the diaries, carefully tracing a line of historical narrative through Eva’s grandmother’s almost banal comments on the newspapers she’d stolen from Judith-who-lives-upstairs. There were notes about Mrs. Talbot and her involvement in the suffrage movement up until the 19th Amendment was passed in 1920.
“I’m trying to figure out how to start.” Liv trucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I want to go out to Long Island and see if they have any information on the Monroe family beyond what we found in the online archive. If I can learn something of her family, I think I can tie them together…” She looked down, a warm flush across her cheeks. “I know that I should have told you that I’d started, but you’ve been avoiding the store since Theo said everything, and I really haven’t had the chance.”
“You could have come over again,” Eva said, trying not to pout. She nudged Liv’s shoulder with her own. “I wouldn’t have minded.”
Liv’s hair had fallen back into her eyes. She looked so achingly beautiful that Eva was afraid if she touched her, she might break. Now, Eva’s mind screamed. Kiss her now.
Eva leaned over, her fingers closing around Liv’s shoulder. Liv let out a little, startled breath, but the smile that blossomed across her face was permission enough. Eva rose on her toes and pressed her lips to Liv’s, sweet and chaste. The gentlest of kisses. Liv’s fingers cupped Eva’s face. Her fingertips were warm little jolts of pressure. She pulled away. Liv’s eyes were half-closed, her lips a little pinker than usual from the kiss. Eva raised a hand to cup Liv’s palm against her cheek. “Kiss me again,” she whispered.
Their mouths crushed together; this was the kiss Eva wanted. Her fingers tangled in Liv’s hair. Liv’s teeth sank gently into Eva’s lower lip. A quiet groan escaped Eva. She was smiling. Eva was smiling. Their foreheads bumped together.
This is surreal. She never thought that she’d find herself in a position like this again.
“I could go home with you now,” Liv suggested.
Eva swallowed, wanting that as well. Still, the nagging feeling of guilt that she would be walking away from her chance to try and smooth things over with Theo in favor of kanoodling with Liv was hard to shake. She was already reaching for her jacket as she started to protest. “But Theo…” she started. She really did want to talk to him.
“Really, Eva?”
Eva leaned over and kissed her again, coat dangling from one hand. “I know, but I did want to speak to him.”
“He went to the bank, he’ll be a while. We can find lots of things to do with that while.” Liv gathered her pad and pen, as well as a few printouts that littered the table. “Get your coat.”
Eva shrugged on her jacket and pulled her scarf tightly around her neck. Her lips felt bruised, and she wanted to reach out and grab Liv’s hand. She wanted to kiss her again.
Later, Eva told herself firmly. You can kiss her all you want when you’re back at home and there’s no chance someone will walk in on you.
She was half a step behind Liv as she bustled out of the back room, pulling on her battered army jacket and tucking her pad and papers into her messenger bag.
As they left the bookstore, Eva could feel Al’s eyes on them. She turned to wave and he waved back. He took in Liv’s mussed hair and flashed her a thumbs-up, his expression shifting, finally, into an approving smile. Eva shook her head. He was such a boy.
Outside, the temperature had dropped. It was silent. There were no words shared between them, just the sounds of the city and the howling wail of the wind. Eva inhaled deeply and let the wonderful feeling of calm wash over her. Liv was a solid presence next to her. Eva had no idea how far things were going to go when they returned to the apartment, but she didn’t think she cared particularly. The intent was there, and she wanted Liv. She wanted to feel this contentment for as long as she possibly could. It was the happiest she’d felt in a long time.
It was late, and not many of Eva’s neighbors were still awake. The apartment building loomed tall and dark against a charcoal sky. Eva buzzed them into the building. The four flights up felt daunting. Walk-ups had never bothered Eva as a child or now, but she somehow felt weary as she put one foot in front of the other.
On the fourth floor landing, Eva felt the nervous, anxious feeling of wrongness settle on her. It overrode her nervous anticipation of being with Liv. The door to her apartment wasn’t quite closed. It didn’t look right, as if it had been bashed in with something. She lunged forward, a curse on her lips.
Liv grabbed Eva’s jacket to hold her back. “What if someone’s in there?” she hissed.
Eva stopped short, her eyes wide with fear. She fumbled for her keys. When she was still in college, Eva’s father had bought her an extendable baton that she kept in her purse. She rummaged for it and twisted it to full extension and inclined her head toward Liv.
Nodding, Liv reached out and grabbed Eva’s hand. They inched slowly forward, pushing the door open and wincing as it creaked.
The apartment was dark, and Eva fumbled for the light switch. There didn’t seem to be anyone in there. The apartment felt hollow, gutted. She held her baton as tightly as she could. Its solid foot and a half of steel was reassuring as Liv slipped away to check the bathroom.
Eva’s heart was thudding in her chest as she saw the state of the living room. Boxes were tossed haphazardly on the floor and her grandmother’s collection of 45s was spilled out. A few of the records were broken. In the middle of the floor was the box that had once held her grandmother’s diaries. It was squashed, rendered completely unusable, and empty.
Chapter 24
The Missing Diaries
The diaries were gone.
Nothing else in the apartment was missing, save the diaries. Eva’s laptop was still sitting on the coffee table undisturbed. Things were strewn about the floor, but Eva and Liv were quickly able to account for anything of value. The only real mess was in the corner of the living room where the stereo sat. It looked as though someone had pawed through the LP collection, dumping them out onto the floor before going for the diaries where Eva had left them when she and her dad installed the hallway light.
“It has to be him,” Eva said angrily. “You said he was at the bank. It’s nine-thirty on a Saturday night. How could we have been so stupid?” She picked up the empty box and clutched it to her chest. There was no other explanation. Eva knew that it was foolish to try to blame someone for this with no proof, but no one would care about the diaries other than Theo. It certainly wasn’t her parents, and she’d been with Liv and Al all evening. They were the only other people who knew about the story contained within those pages, and the hints at the truth of the light of the world they protected.
The hollow feeling of that empty box consumed her. Eva felt as hollow as she had when she sank the razor into her skin. She saw the hospital room where her grandmother’s life had slowly faded into nothingness as the heart monitor slowed to a final steady tone. This was her one connection, the only thing of her grandmother’s that Eva wanted to preserve. Everything else had been purged and donated to places where it could be of use to those who were in need. This empty shell of an apartment she barely felt that she was living in and the diaries were all that was left.
The photograph of Wren and Mary lay on the floor. Someone had stepped on it. Eva picked it up. She was shaking with anger. Here was an image of a girl whose whole life shattered just after this was taken. There was nothing else left of her—only ashes and dust, and the memory of a promise broken.
“We have to go back to the bookshop,” Liv said. She was inspecting a record. She spun it between her palms, checking it for damage before reaching for its sleeve. “He’ll be there, and we have to confront him. It had to be him.” They’d been so careful not to step on the records, but now her shoe grazed against one and Eva winced as she heard a crack.
Eva was sure it was Theo too, but it didn’t make sense to not be absolutely certain. “What about those people that Wren wrote about in her letter—the seekers?”
Liv set the record down on the coffee table and turned to stare at Eva. Her blue eyes shone with unspoken emotion. “Has it not occurred to you yet, Eva?”
“Has what occurred to me?”
“That Theo is a seeker. He is one who seeks the light, and he seems far more driven than I would have given him credit for.” She met Eva’s surprised gaze with a steely expression. “We need to stop him before he tries to go down to the seal room.”
Feeling about half a step out of the loop, Eva wrapped her arms around herself and surveyed the living room. It was so deliberate. So lazy and so obviously the work of someone singularly interested in one thing: the diaries. “Because he’d have knowledge now?”
Liv nodded, her expression grave. “All he needs is belief and the shadows will try to bring him into their fold. Even from beyond the seal, they have that power. We need to get there before he does.” She grabbed Eva’s hand and pulled her toward the door. Her palm was sweaty and Eva could see the fear in her eyes when they drew close together.
“Could he die?” Eva fumbled for her keys and thanked god that the lock in the door handle still worked, even if the deadbolt was busted. Their feet thudded down to the ground floor and they tumbled out into the night, Liv already stepping into the street with her hand raised.
A taxi driven by a Sikh man swerved out of traffic to stop before her and they bundled in, Liv telling the driver the bookshop’s address. Eva slumped into the seat next to her and Liv sighed as she glanced out the window.
“He wouldn’t die, I don’t think,” Liv said. Her hands were clenched into fists in her lap and her knee was bouncing up and down about a mile a minute. Eva tried not to stare at it. “I think that the fate he’d face would be worse than death. To be drawn into a void where shadows live, all based on a foolish belief… I can’t imagine a worse fate.”
