Little Deaths, page 20
If part of her was still trying to fly back from Miami and all Miami entailed, much of the rest was in Brook Green with Alexander. As September died into October, and then the first few cold days of November, I found that increasingly hard to bear. She cried in the night, but no longer woke me up for comfort. Her gaze would come unfocussed in the afternoons. Unable to be near her while, thinking of him, she pretended to leaf through Vogue and Harper’s, I walked out into the rainy unredeemed Whitechapel streets. Suddenly it was an hour later and I was watching the lights come on in a hardware shop window on Roman Road.
Other times, when it seemed to be going well, I couldn’t contain my delight. I got up in the night and thrashed the BMW to Sheffield and back; parked outside the house and slept an hour in the rear seat; crossed the river in the morning to queue for croissants at Ayre’s Bakery in Peckham, playing ‘Empire Burlesque’ so loud that if I touched the windscreen gently I could feel it tremble, much as she used to do, beneath my fingertips.
I was trying to get back, too.
‘I’ll take you to the theatre,’ I said: ‘Waiting for Godot’. Do you want to see the fireworks?’
I said: ‘I brought you a present—’
A Monsoon dress. Two small stone birds for the garden; anemones; and a cheap Boots nail brush shaped like a pig.
‘Don’t try to get so close, China,’ she said. ‘Please.’
I said: ‘I just want to be something to you.’
She touched my arm. She said:
‘China, it’s too soon. We’re here together, after all: isn’t that enough for now?’
She said:
‘And anyway, how could you ever be anything else?’
She said: ‘I love you.’
‘But you’re not in love with me.’
‘I told you I couldn’t promise you that.’
By Christmas we were shouting at one another again, late into the night, every night. I slept on the futon in the spare room. There I dreamed of Isobel and woke sweating.
You have to imagine this—
‘The Pavilion’, quite a good Thai restaurant on Wardour Street. Isobel has just given me the most beautiful jacket, wrapped in birthday paper. She leans across the table. ‘French Connection, China. Very smart.’ The waitresses, who believe we are lovers, laugh delightedly as I try it on. But later, when I buy a red rose and offer it to Isobel, she says, ‘What use would I have for that?’ in a voice of such contempt I begin to cry. In the dream, I am fifty years old that day. I wake thinking everything is finished.
Or this—
Budapest. Summer. Rakoczi Street. Each night Isobel waits for me to fall asleep before she leaves the hotel. Once outside, she walks restlessly up and down Rakoczi with all the other women. Beneath her beige linen suit she has on grey silk underwear. She cannot explain what is missing from her life, but will later write in a letter: ‘When sex fails for you—when it ceases to be central in your life—you enter middle age, a zone of the most unclear exits from which some of us never escape.’ I wake and follow her. All night it feels like’ dawn. Next morning, in the half-abandoned Jugendstil dining room, a paper doily drifts to the floor like a leaf, while Isobel whispers urgently in someone else’s voice:
‘It was never what you thought it was.’
Appalled by their directness, astonished to find myself so passive, I would struggle awake from dreams like this thinking: ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?’ It was always early. It was always cold. Grey light silhouetted a vase of dried flowers on the dresser in front of the uncurtained window, but the room itself was still dark. I would look at my watch, turn over, and go back to sleep. One morning in the week before Christmas I got up and packed a bag instead. I made myself some coffee and drank it by the kitchen window, listening to the inbound City traffic build up half a mile away. When I switched the radio on it was playing Billy Joel’s ‘She’s Always a Woman’. I turned it off quickly, and at eight o’clock woke Isobel. She smiled up at me.
‘Hello,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’
I said: ‘I’m sick of it all. I can’t do it. I thought I could but I can’t.’
‘China, what is this?’
I said: ‘You were so fucking sure he’d have you. Three months later it was you crying, not me.’
‘China—’
‘It’s time you helped,’ I said.
I said: ‘I helped you. And when you bought me things out of gratitude I never once said “What use would I have for that?”’
She rubbed her hands over her eyes.
‘China, what are you talking about?’
I shouted: ‘What a fool you made of yourself!’ Then I said: ‘I only want to be something to you again.’
‘I won’t stand for this,’ Isobel whispered. ‘I can’t stand this.’
I said: ‘Neither can I. That’s why I’m going.’
‘I still love him, China.’
I was on my way to the door. I said:
‘You can have him then.’
‘China, I don’t want you to go.’
‘Make up your mind.’
‘I won’t say what you want me to.’
‘Fuck off, then.’
‘It’s you who’s fucking off, China.’
It’s easy to see now that when we stood on the Erzsebet Bridge the dream had already failed her. But at the time—and for some time afterwards—I was still too close to her to see anything. It was still one long arc of delight for me, Stratford through Budapest, all the way to Stepney. So I could only watch puzzledly as she began to do pointless, increasingly spoiled things to herself. She caught the tube to Camden Lock and had her hair cut into the shape of a pigeon’s wing. She had her ankles tattooed with feathers. She starved herself, as if her own body were holding her down. She was going to revenge herself on it. She lost twenty pounds in a month. Out went everything she owned, to be replaced by size nine jeans, little black lycra skirts, expensively tailored jackets which hung from their own ludicrous shoulder pads like washing.
‘You don’t look like you any more,’ said.
‘Good. I always hated myself anyway.’
‘I loved your bottom the way it was,’ I said.
She laughed.
‘You’ll look haggard if you lose any more,’ I said.
‘Piss off, China. I won’t be a cow just so you can fuck a fat bottom.’
I was hurt by that, so I said:
‘You’ll look old. Anyway, I didn’t think we fucked. I thought we made love.’ Something caused me to add, ‘I’m losing you.’ And then, even less reasonably: ‘Or you’re losing me.’
‘China, don’t be such a baby.’
Then one afternoon in August she walked into the lounge and said, ‘China, I want to talk to you.’ The second I heard this, I knew exactly what she was going to say. I looked away from her quickly and down into the book I was pretending to read, but it was too late. There was a kind of soft thud inside me. It was something broken. It was something not there any more. I felt it. It was a door closing, and I wanted to be safely on the other side of it before she spoke.
‘What?’ I said.
She looked at me uncertainly.
‘China, I—’
‘What?’
‘China, I haven’t been happy. Not for some time. You must have realized. I’ve got a chance at an affair with someone and I want to take it.’
I stared at her.
‘Christ,’ I said. ‘Who?’
‘Just someone I know.’
‘Who?’ I said. And then, bitterly, ‘Who do you know, Isobel?’ I meant: ‘Who do you know that isn’t me?’
‘It’s only an affair,’ she said. And:
‘You must have realized I wasn’t happy.’
I said dully: ‘Who is this fucker?’
‘It’s David Alexander.’
‘Who?’
‘David Alexander. For God’s sake, China, you make everything so hard! At the clinic. David Alexander.’
I had no idea who she was talking about. Then I remembered.
‘Christ,’ I said. ‘He’s just some fucking customer.’
She went out. I heard the bedroom door slam. I stared at the books on the bookshelves, the pictures on the walls, the carpet dusty gold in the pale afternoon light. I couldn’t understand why it was all still there. I couldn’t understand anything. Twenty minutes later, when Isobel came back in again carrying a soft leather overnight bag, I was standing in the same place, in the middle of the floor. She said:
‘Do you know what your trouble is, China?’
‘What?’ I said.
‘People are always just some fucking this or that to you.’
‘Don’t go.’
She said: ‘He’s going to help me to fly, China.’
‘You always said I helped you to fly.’
She looked away.
‘It’s not your fault it stopped working,’ she said. ‘It’s me.’
‘Christ, you selfish bitch.’
‘He wants to help me to fly,’ she repeated dully.
And then:
‘China, I am selfish.’
She tried to touch my hand but I moved it away.
‘I can’t fucking believe this,’ I said. ‘You want me to forgive you just because you can admit it?’
‘I don’t want to lose you, China.’
I said: ‘You already have.’
‘We don’t know what we might want,’ she said. ‘Later on. Either of us.’
I remembered how we had been at the beginning: Stratford Waterside, whispers and moans, You help me to fly, China. ‘If you could hear yourself,’ I said. ‘If you could just fucking hear yourself, Isobel.’ She shrugged miserably and picked up her bag. I didn’t see her after that. I did have one letter from her. It was sad without being conciliatory, and ended: ‘You were the most amazing person I ever knew, China, and the fastest driver.’
I tore it up.
‘“Were”!’ I said. ‘Fucking “were”!’
By that time she had moved in with him, somewhere along the Network South East line from Waterloo: Chiswick, Kew, one of those old-fashioned suburbs on a bladder of land inflated into the picturesque curve of the river, with genteel deteriorating house-boats, an arts centre, and a wine bar on every corner. West London is full of places like that—‘shabby’, ‘comfortable’, until you smell the money. Isobel kept the Stepney house. I would visit it once a month to collect my things, cry in the lounge, and take away some single pointless item—a compact disc I had bought her, a picture she had bought me. Every time I went back, the bedroom, with its wooden chests and paper birds, seemed to have filled up further with dust. Despite that, I could never quite tell if anything had changed. Had they been in there, the two of them? I stayed in the doorway, so as not to know. I had sold Rose Services and was living out in Tottenham, drinking Michelob beer and watching Channel 4 movies while I waited for my capital to run out. Some movies I liked better than others. I cried all the way through Alice in the Cities. I wasn’t sure why. But I knew why I was cheering Anthony Hopkins as The Good Father.
‘You were the most amazing person I ever knew, China, and the fastest driver. I’ll always remember you.’
What did I care? Two days after I got the letter I drove over to Queensborough Road at about seven in the evening. I had just bought the BMW. I parked it at the kerb outside Alexander’s clinic, which was in a large postmodern block not far down from Hammersmith Gyratory. Some light rain was falling. I sat there watching the front entrance. After about twenty minutes Alexander’s receptionist came out, put her umbrella up, and went off towards the tube station. A bit later Alexander himself appeared at the security gate. I was disappointed by him. He turned out to be a tall, thin man, middle-aged, grey-haired, dressed in a light wool suit. He looked less like a doctor than a poet. He had that kind of fragile elegance some people maintain on the edge of panic, the energy of tensions unresolved, glassy, never very far from the surface. He would always seem worried. He looked along the street towards Shepherd’s Bush, then down at his watch.
I opened the nearside passenger window.
‘David Alexander?’ I called.
I called: ‘Waiting for someone?’
He bent down puzzledly and looked into the BMW.
‘Need a lift?’ I offered.
‘Do I know you?’ he asked.
I thought: Say the wrong thing, you fucker. You’re that close.
I said: ‘Not exactly.’
‘Then—’
‘Forget it.’
He stood back from the car suddenly, and I drove off.
Christmas. Central London. Traffic locked solid every late afternoon. Light in the shop windows in the rain. Light in the puddles. Light splashing up round your feet. I couldn’t keep still. Once I’d walked away from Isobel, I couldn’t stop walking. Everywhere I went, ‘She’s Always a Woman’ was on the radio. Harrods, Habitat, Hamleys: Billy Joel drove me out on to the wet pavement with another armful of children’s toys. I even wrapped some of them—a wooden penguin with rubber feet, two packs of cards, a miniature jigsaw puzzle in the shape of her name. Every time I saw something I liked, it went home with me.
‘I bought you a present,’ I imagined myself saying, ‘this fucking little spider that really jumps—
‘Look!’
Quite suddenly I was exhausted. Christmas Day I spent with the things I’d bought. Boxing Day, and the day after that, I lay in a chair staring at the television. Between shows I picked up the phone and put it down again, picked it up and put it down. I was going to call Isobel, then I wasn’t. I was going to call her, but I closed the connection carefully every time the phone began to ring at her end. Then I decided to go back to Stepney for my clothes.
Imagine this—
Two a.m. The house was quiet.
Or this—
I stood on the pavement. When I looked in through the uncurtained ground floor window I could see the little display of lights on the front of Isobel’s CD player.
Or this—
For a moment my key didn’t seem to fit the door.
Imagine this—
Late at night you enter a house in which you’ve been as happy as anywhere in your life: probably happier. You go into the front room, where streetlight falls unevenly across the rugs, the furniture, the mantelpiece and mirrors. On the sofa are strewn a dozen colourful, expensive shirts, blue and red and gold like macaws and money. Two or three of them have been slipped out of their cellophane, carefully refolded and partly wrapped in Christmas paper. ‘Dear China—’ say the tags. ‘Dearest China.’ There are signs of a struggle but not necessarily with someone else. A curious stale smell fills the room, and a chair has been knocked over. It’s really too dark to see.
Switch on the lights. Glasses and bottles. Food trodden into the best kilim. Half-empty plates, two days old.
‘Isobel? Isobel!’
The bathroom was damp with condensation, the bath itself full of cold water smelling strongly of rose oil. Wet towels were underfoot, there and in the draughty bedroom, where the light was already on and Isobel’s pink velvet curtains, half-drawn, let a faint yellow triangle of light into the garden below. The lower sash was open. When I pulled it down, a cat looked up from the empty flowerbed: ran off. I shivered. Isobel had pulled all her favourite underclothes out on to the floor and trodden mascara into them. She had written in lipstick on the dressing table mirror, in perfect mirror writing: ‘Leave me alone.’
I found her in one of the big blanket boxes.
When I opened the lid a strange smell—beeswax, dried roses, vomit, whiskey—filled the room. In there with her she had an empty bottle of Jameson’s: an old safety razor of mine and two or three blades. She had slit her wrists. But first she had tried to shave all the downy, half-grown feathers from her upper arms and breasts. When I reached into the box they whirled up round us both, soft blue and grey, the palest rose pink. Miami! In some confused attempt to placate me, she had tried to get out of the dream the way you get out of a coat.
She was still alive.
‘China,’ she said. Sleepily, she held her arms up to me.
She whispered: ‘China.’
Alexander had made her look like a bird. But underneath the cosmetic trick she was still Isobel Avens. Whatever he had promised her, she could never have flown. I picked her up and carried her carefully down the stairs. Then I was crossing the pavement towards the BMW, throwing the nearside front door open and trying to get her into the passenger seat. Her arms and legs were everywhere, pivoting loose and awkward from the hips and elbows. ‘Christ, Isobel, you’ll have to help!’ I didn’t panic until then.
‘China,’ whispered Isobel.
Blood ran into my shirt where she had put her arms round my neck.
I slammed the door.
‘China.’
‘What, love? What?’
‘China.’
She could talk but she couldn’t hear.
‘Hold on,’ I said. I switched on the radio. Some station I didn’t know was playing the first ten bars of a Joe Satriani track, ‘Always with You, Always with Me’. I felt as if I was outside myself. I thought: ‘Now’s the time to drive, China, you fucker.’ The BMW seemed to fishtail out of the parking space of its own accord, into the empty arcade-game of Whitechapel. The City loomed up then fell back from us at odd angles, as if it had achieved the topological values of a Vorticist painting. I could hear the engine distantly, making that curious harsh whine as I held the revs up against the red line. Revs and brakes, revs and brakes: if you want to go fast in the city you hold it all the time between the engine and the brakes. Taxis, hoardings, white faces of pedestrians on traffic islands splashed with halogen pink, rushed up and were snatched away.
‘Isobel?’
I had too much to do to look directly at her. I kept catching glimpses of her in weird neon shop-light from Wallis or Next or What She Wants, lolling against the seatbelt with her mouth half open. She knew how bad she was. She kept trying to smile across at me. Then she would drift off, or cornering forces would roll her head to one side as if she had no control of the muscles in her neck and she would end up staring and smiling out of the side window whispering:
