The Virgin (Breakfast at Bennett's Book 1), page 12
Spencer scooted his chair closer. “Hey, you okay?”
Taylor turned his head and gawked at Spencer, then quickly wiped the shocked look off his face. “I’m fine.”
Spencer stared without speaking until Taylor sighed.
“I’m okay.” Taylor looked like he was running something through his mind or trying to solve a problem. “Can I ask you a strange, possibly super-vague question?”
“You can ask me anything. And if you want, it can stay between us.”
Taylor glanced around. “My thing and your thing aren’t transferable, but you’re the most creative person I know and I wondered… How do you put yourself out there like that? How did you even learn how to do all the cool shit you do?”
Spencer got the distinct impression that there was something more to Taylor’s question than he was letting on, but he wasn’t ready for people to pry.
“Well, it’s like with any other skill. You start with the basics. I’m sure when you started cooking you didn’t jump into the hardest things. You started small. Cracking eggs. Mixing things. Learning to follow a recipe. Then, once you had enough of the basics down, you moved on to other things and started experimenting.”
“But I had someone to show me how to do all that. This is different. I don’t know anyone who knows what I want to know.”
“Then you find someone who does. Or you turn to the great and powerful internet. You start small and practice. Learn the basics, then build on them. It’s the same way you learn how to do anything else. Art and creativity aren’t much different. They’re all a series of little skills piled together and practiced over and over until we can get them to do what we want. Most of the time. So, whatever it is, start with the basics and build on that.”
Taylor furrowed his brow, but he nodded. “Thanks. Sorry I was so vague.”
Spencer waved him off. “It’s fine. And if you ever want to not be vague, you know where to find me. And I promise not to tell anyone. Even Jonah.” It was strange to make that promise now, but he and Jonah were still just friends. Besides, even if they were more, Jonah wasn’t privy to everything everyone told Spencer. He’d have no problem keeping Taylor’s secret, no matter what it was.
“This new skill you want to learn…” Spencer leaned in closer. “It’s not serial killing, is it?”
Taylor rolled his eyes. “No. It’s not serial killing.”
“Just checking.” Spencer looked over to the barbeque where Jonah stood, staring back at him with a questioning gaze. Damon bounded up the steps to the deck at that moment and sank into an empty chair on the other side of Spencer.
“I always forget that Colby and his stupid best friend turn everything into a competition when they’re together.” Damon turned in the direction of the grill. “Hey, Mister B, that smells amazing.”
Ethan turned around and pointed a set of tongs at Damon. “Don’t start with the Mister B bullshit, Damon. It makes me feel old, but not too old to kick your ass.”
“Whatever you say, Mister B.” Damon grinned at him and the way he shook his head.
“You should go sit with your friends, Jonah. I’ve got this under control.”
Jonah cut his dad a questioning look. “Are you sure?”
Ethan nodded and patted him on the back. Jonah was slow to approach the three of them. Taylor stood at the last second and gave up his chair for Jonah. Spencer and Jonah had never been the kind of friends that would’ve allowed him to pull Jonah into his lap without suspicion, but the urge was there now. Spencer was greedy for Jonah. Close wasn’t close enough anymore unless they were touching. Touching wasn’t close enough unless they were kissing. Kissing wasn’t close enough unless they were… Spencer forced himself to stop that train of thought.
Dinners in the Bennett backyard were sometimes chaotic with the three boys and their friends. But this afternoon it was peaceful. Everyone mingled with everyone else, and the boys jumped up to help their dad come time to get the meal on the table.
There wasn’t enough space for everyone around the table, so Spencer and Jonah, along with Colby, ended up leaning against the deck railing, balancing their plates in one hand and holding their forks with the other.
Maybe it was because Spencer was busy hiding his own feelings and his own not-relationship with Jonah that Spencer noticed the way Damon looked at Nash and the way Nash looked back at him. That subtle yearning that Spencer wouldn’t have noticed if he’d not been trying desperately to not look at Jonah that way.
At least Spencer had solved the mystery of who Damon’s secret, Tom Ford cologne-wearing hookup was. The fact that Nash was Colby’s best friend was probably why they were keeping things a secret between them.
Spencer scanned the group of friends because that’s what everyone here was. A group of people who might not have ever connected if it weren’t for a Bennett. He wondered how many secrets they all had between them. How many things they hid from each other for the sake of keeping this peace, this camaraderie, this little found family that the Bennetts had created around themselves.
Would the secret that he and Jonah shared jeopardize the dynamic? Not for anyone else but himself, Spencer realized. Jonah would always have a place here, but if things went south between them, Spencer would lose all this. He’d lose the comfort and the friendship of all the people here. They loved Jonah. He was part of the glue that held everyone together.
It was Spencer who was expendable. Replaceable. His own parents had ceased any interest in him the minute they learned he’d never continue the family line. The minute he came out of the closet, that had been the end of their relationship. They hadn’t even tried to understand. His only saving grace was that he’d seen it coming. He’d always doubted they’d accept him, but he’d hoped. It had been stupid to hope.
It was part of the reason Spencer loved how close Jonah was to his family. Being around the Bennetts made Spencer feel like he was part of a family again. Sometimes he missed his own, even though he doubted they shared the sentiment.
Spencer’s appetite died, and he spent the next few minutes pushing the food around his plate, making it look like he was eating.
Jonah gently nudged his arm, earning him a glance from Spencer.
“You okay?” Jonah’s face was the picture of concern.
Spencer managed a nod, even though he was anything but okay. He hoped he could keep this thing between him and Jonah from exploding. Jonah hadn’t been in it for feelings or a relationship. He’d been scared off the whole dating thing, and Spencer, stupid as he was sometimes, thought he could be with Jonah and not love him. That he could kiss him and show him what pleasure was supposed to be like without handing over his heart in the process.
He knew he was being stupid. That barring hurting Jonah, something he’d never do, Spencer wouldn’t lose anyone. But he couldn’t stop himself from dreading what would happen when they stopped being intimate. When Jonah decided he’d learned enough and was ready to put himself out there again. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, and every moment after they’d slept together was one more moment closer to the inevitable one when Jonah would drop the ax.
He’d thank Spencer. Politely, as friends do, and he’d see someone else, and Spencer’s insides turned to cold steel at that thought. Jonah wasn’t a mistake, and Spencer wouldn’t make a different decision if he could go back in time. He wanted his friend to be happy. To be safe. And if he had to sacrifice a piece of himself to make that happen, it was a small price to pay.
Spencer had gotten over other hurts before. He’d get over this one too, though it had been a while since he’d put himself in a position to be hurt. Not since his college boyfriend had he been so heavily invested in someone else. But now those wounds were nothing more than tiny papercuts. This hurt would be a gunshot wound in comparison.
But he was getting ahead of himself. Jonah hadn’t given him the parting speech yet, and Spencer would hoard every moment between now and then. He’d save them like treasures, and he’d go on with his life as Jonah would do the same. They’d go back to being friends who didn’t kiss, and Spencer would be okay with that.
He had to be.
CHAPTER 19
JONAH
The best part about the big family dinners Jonah’s dad still insisted on having was the bonfire. Everyone sat around on the deck until the sun started to dip low in the sky, and then they moved to the fire pit. Colby and Taylor argued over how to start the fire. No one trusted Colby to do it ever since the gasoline incident three years ago.
Tonight the bonfire was especially enjoyable because Jonah sat right next to Spencer. Being around him but not being able to touch him was torture. Jonah barely let himself glance at Spencer for fear of looking at him too much and giving away how much he cared about him, or the truth about what they were doing.
It wasn’t like Spencer was a dirty secret. But he was a secret. Not because Jonah was ashamed or scared of what people would think. Truthfully, Jonah didn’t care about any of that. Everyone knew he was gay. It had never been a secret. But Jonah found comfort in the secrecy of this relationship. He liked having Spencer all to himself, and that feeling was what made him light inside. Like he was one of those paper lanterns, floating up to join the stars.
More than anything, though, Jonah wanted to curl up in Spencer’s lap and be able to have that feeling here, in this moment, surrounded by all the people who were most important to him.
Damon returned from the house with two travel mugs and handed one to Jonah.
“Hot chocolate.” Damon said. “Figured I’d make you one while I helped myself.”
“Thanks.” Jonah’s dad knew Damon didn’t drink and he made sure to always have a wide variety of non-alcoholic beverages for people. Damon learned a long time ago to help himself to whatever he wanted. Jonah took a sip of the hot chocolate, which should’ve been strange to drink on a late-spring night. Cocoa was generally a winter kind of drink, but Jonah supposed that it was silly to assign drinks to specific months and never enjoy them otherwise.
Colby got up and disappeared into the house, and when he returned he had their dad’s old beat-up acoustic with him.
“Play us a song, old man.” Colby handed the guitar over to their dad, who took a moment to tune it, plucking strings and turning the tuning pegs until the pitch was perfect.
All the brothers could strum at least a couple of rusty tunes on the guitar, but they all preferred to listen to their dad play. Growing up, between keeping the diner going and the three kids alive, their dad didn’t have a lot of time or money, so entertainment had to come cheap.
The guitar was an old Yamaha that their dad had owned as long as they’d been alive. It was a run-of-the-mill, standard-issue acoustic with pale wood and a cheap case. Both items were battered and scuffed, but they were well loved. Just like Jonah and his brothers.
The opening notes of “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” swelled up and their dad sang the words with his raspy voice. Creedence Clearwater Revival had been a staple in their house growing up. Though their dad wasn’t quite as good as John Fogerty, he could hold his own. When he finished that song and started to play “Bad Moon Rising,” Colby and Taylor started to sing along. Every so often, Jonah would hear a few words warble his way from Spencer’s direction. Neither he nor Spencer were big singers. Jonah for good reason—he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Spencer, however, had an amazing voice. It was deep and gravelly and so soulful that it nearly took Jonah’s breath away.
Sparks danced up toward the sky, flickering out one by one. Jonah could almost fall asleep like this. He was more at peace in that moment than he’d been in weeks. Years. Maybe ever.
He had Spencer to thank for that. It wasn’t that sex had changed everything in his life, but it had settled something inside him. The insidious voice that had whispered in his ear, growing louder over the years, telling him that he wasn’t worthy, wasn’t deserving, wasn’t wanted or important, had gone quiet. Mostly. Sometimes it still tried to whisper things to him, but then Spencer would look at him, or he’d remember how incredible it was when Spencer touched him, and the voice would go quiet again.
He wanted Spencer for more than sex. More than a gentle sex education. He wanted him for dates and dinners and companionship that was more than two friends hanging out. A log snapped and cracked in the fire and sparks shot up like a firework, and Jonah realized at that exact moment he was irreversibly in love with Spencer.
Jonah didn’t know if Spencer would ever care about him like that, and there was no way he would ask. He’d already been a burden of sorts to his friend, using him to learn things about his body and the pleasure it was capable of feeling, and he couldn’t keep doing this without falling deeper and deeper in love. He also didn’t know how to stop, because he didn’t want to.
Stopping wasn’t an option, but continuing on the path they were going down was a bad idea. But Jonah had no solutions. Maybe it was Future Jonah’s problem.
“You okay?” It was Damon who asked him the question, and he turned his head to face his friend.
“I’m fine. Just enjoying the fire. I got lost in the flames.”
“Well, it’s good to know that we’re boring you, Jonah.” Taylor laughed. “Dad sang your favorite song, and you didn’t even blink.”
It wasn’t dark enough to hide Jonah’s scowl. “I wasn’t bored. I was relaxing.”
Taylor looked at him with obvious disbelief. “Because people who are relaxing make this face.” Taylor crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at Jonah.
“If Jonah says he’s fine, he’s fine,” Jonah’s dad stepped in. Catching his gaze, he winked at Jonah. “Leave him alone, boys.”
“Yeah, leave me alone, boys,” Jonah parroted, feeling triumphant at the way his dad stuck up for him. He always tried to be fair and treat all his kids equally, but sometimes Jonah knew that because he often pretended to not need things, he was overlooked. Most of the time he almost preferred that, but having his dad make everyone back off was like being covered with a warm blanket.
“God, we can’t even be concerned.” Taylor rolled his eyes.
“Thank you, but it’s unnecessary. Can we change the subject now? How about you, Taylor? Anything new?”
Something flickered in Taylor’s expression. “What could be new?
“Anyone want a drink?” Spencer stood and looked down at Jonah. A few people said they did, and Jonah rose to follow Spencer into the house.
“Let me help.”
Once they were inside, Spencer opened the fridge and counted out the number of beers that had been requested, passing half to Jonah.
“Are you okay?” Spencer asked him quietly.
“I’d love to be alone with you, but other than that, I’m fine.” Jonah swallowed down his sudden wash of embarrassment at admitting it, but if he couldn’t confess even the smallest truths to Spencer, he had no business continuing their current arrangement, and he wasn’t ready to let it go.
“So long as you’re sure.”
“Yeah. If anything, someone should ask Taylor what that look on his face was about earlier.”
Spencer shrugged. “Who knows with kids these days.”
Jonah cackled. “He’s not that much younger than you. Is he?”
“Well, I’m five years older than you, and he’s six years younger than you. So, that’s eleven years.”
“He’s still not a kid.”
“Yeah, but did you have shit figured out at his age?”
Jonah shrugged. “I thought I did. I mean, I was in college studying to be a teacher. I had that much figured out. But Taylor decided a long time ago that he wasn’t going to college. So… What was the question?” Jonah opened the patio door for Spencer, and they joined everyone back out at the fire. They’d ceased their conversation, which was fine. It wasn’t out of character for Spencer to stick up for people, but it was rare for Jonah to think Taylor needed someone to stick up for him.
Jonah was probably as much of a mess as Taylor was. The only difference was that because Taylor was six years younger, no one cared if he was a mess. The minute Jonah wavered off the path of the confident oldest child who had it all figured out, people noticed. They noticed and they worried about him. He shouldn’t hate that, but he didn’t like feeling judged. He wanted to not be seen. He was happy hiding in the shadows, not drawing attention or causing trouble.
When Taylor had a bad moment or a bad day, everyone shrugged it off and blamed his youth. When Jonah had a quiet moment, not even a bad one, he attracted attention and worry.
“You know, I think I’m going to head home,” Jonah heard himself say. He’d made the decision on a whim, but now that the words were out there, he wished he was already gone.
His dad stopped strumming and placed his hand over the strings to quiet them. “Everything okay?”
“I’m tired. It’s been a long semester.”
“Stop by the diner tomorrow for breakfast,” his dad said. “We’ll have coffee and catch up.”
“Sure.” Jonah knew that if he said no, his dad would drag himself away from the diner and show up at Jonah’s house. He didn’t need to go to any trouble for him, so even though he’d secretly planned to hide for the rest of the weekend, Jonah knew he’d be at breakfast in the morning.
Spencer’s questioning gaze lingered on him, burrowing under his skin. He half-expected Spencer to follow him out, but he simply nodded Jonah’s way.
“Drive safe,” Spencer said.
“I will. See everyone later.”
Jonah gave a halfhearted wave and went back into the house. If he left through the side yard, he’d have to walk past everyone and he just wanted to get out of there.
He let himself out the front door and was walking down the steps when he heard a noise to his left.
Spencer stepped out of the shadows. “Jonah? If you want to come back to the fire, I’ll make everyone leave you alone.”
