Grumpy Pucking Orc (Orcs on Ice Book 1), page 4
Damn. My face was on fire, and all I could think about was the idea of my leg pressed against Ozar’s as I sat next to him at the bar. He’d offer to walk me to my car, then pull me into a walkway between two buildings, pushing me up against the wall and kissing me. His lips would be soft, his tongue insistent, his tusks firm against my face. He’d grab my ass with his big hands, hauling me up so I could wrap my legs around him and press myself against the hardness of his—
“McHenry’s it is.” Abby downed the rest of her beer, then pushed mine toward me. “Drink up, girl. We’ve got hockey-orcs to ogle.”
Chapter 5
Ozar
Iwatched Jordan leave, then I went back into the stadium, strategizing my plan of attack.
Could she really be my true mate?
Did humans feel the mate bond like orcs did? If not, I’d need to plan my wooing very carefully to make sure I didn’t lose her to another. I’d been told stories of how orcs had won their mates, but those had been orc females, and those females had felt the mating bond connection just as strongly as their partners. It would be a challenge for me to win Jordan over—especially since I knew so little about human females and human mating customs.
And I could be wrong. I’d never experienced a mate bond, and while this had felt like what those in my clan had described, it might just be simple lust. Either way, I wanted to explore these sudden emotions, wanted to see if what I’d felt when Jordan stepped close to me and touched my tusk lasted beyond tonight. Even if this wasn’t a mate bond, I was still attracted to her. From what I could tell in those brief minutes, I liked her. And that was enough for me to commit to wooing her. I needed a wife, and I had no doubt that Jordan would make me happy as we went through our lives together.
But how to woo her?
The two months I’d been here had been spent getting used to things like banking, public transit, and what humans considered crimes. We’d all been focused on learning English, knowing that not only would we need it to navigate this world while we remained here, but we’d also need to be able to speak to our potential brides. I hadn’t had time to delve into common human habits or their wooing customs, so I’d need to learn quickly to make sure I didn’t screw this up.
And then there was sex.
Did human females like the same things as orcs? I knew the nuts and bolts of the process were the same, but the rest of it was a mystery. I’d heard enough conversations to have determined that human females, just like orc females, had sex prior to marriage—most likely as part of their selection criteria. The thought made me break out in a sweat. What if I didn’t please Jordan? Releasing my seed in her would cement the mating bond for me—if there even was a mate bond. But if I failed to impress her with my prowess and she left my bed for another, more skilled male, I would be crushed.
And there was the question of whether I could even coax her to lay with me. I’d need to impress her long before I invited her to my furs. And I hadn’t the foggiest idea how to do that.
Thoughts of my failure filled my mind. Sweat broke out on my forehead, and rage filled my heart at the thought of losing Jordan to another. I prided myself on my control and dismissed the idea that I might harm Jordan or her chosen partner if I failed. Although the thought of her with another did bring up violent thoughts. I’d just have to make sure I did everything correctly in wooing her, and that she found the sex beyond reproach. Everything needed to be beyond reproach.
Thankfully, the Zamboni machine hadn’t swept the ice yet, and I quickly found my two missing teeth. Then I headed into the locker room, looking for my teammates. As embarrassing as this situation was, I needed advice.
I especially needed Bwat to recommend materials to study on courting and sexually pleasing human females. Bwat had been the one who’d learned the spoken and written English the fastest, and he’d been devouring written materials and video programs in his spare time. Among the orcs on the team, Bwat was considered the expert on humans and life here in their realm.
The locker room was empty except for Sizzle. The slight demon was our equipment manager, and he was currently sorting through hockey sticks, muttering about the damage they’d suffered as a result of tonight’s game. I put my skates in front of my locker and eyed the demon.
Sizzle wasn’t a human, but demons had been living here far longer than I had, and the equipment manager might have good insights into how I should woo my mate.
I sat down next to the demon, who ignored me. “I have found a human female that I want to marry. I wish to make her mine,” I announced.
“Congratulations. Good for you.”
Sizzle’s monotone drawl sent the very clear message that he wanted me to go away, but I knew the value of perseverance. Wearing down an opponent with strength and stamina worked in battle, and there was no reason to think it wouldn’t work in conversation as well.
“I need advice on courting human females,” I continued. “When wooing female orcs, we slay beasts and present them as gifts or build homes to entice them to accept our marriage offer.”
The demon put down the stick he was looking over and turned to me, a glimmer of interest in his dark eyes. “Same with demons. Well, except the house thing. Bring them food and the head of their enemy on a pike. Sometimes the head serves as food, which is a win-win situation. Less effort, double the impact.”
I frowned. “I do not know who her enemies are, and I fear murdering a random human for a trophy gift would offend. What if I accidentally kill one of her clansmen? Or a family member?”
Sizzle grunted. “Yeah. Most demons wouldn’t care about that, but humans are stupidly sentimental about their families.”
I’d be upset if someone killed a clansman as well, so we and the humans agreed on this point.
“There are not many beasts in Baltimore to kill,” I complained. “Gifting a squirrel or one of the birds that eats crumbs from the sidewalk does not seem like it would impress a female.”
“You’re right,” Sizzle agreed. “Lots of humans hunt, but all the larger animals are outside the city. Except for the zoo, that is, and humans get really pissed off when you kill one of those animals. Trust me, I know. You’re probably better off buying her a steak from the grocery store. Or a gift card from Starbucks. Human women love their coffee.”
I nodded slowly, thinking that I’d need to look up the definition of “gift card” later. I’d seen the Starbucks businesses and also enjoyed the human coffee beverage, so that might be a good option. Buying a steak at the grocery store for her seemed like it would get me labeled as a poor hunter, and I didn’t want that.
Thanking the demon for his help, I showered, changed, and went in search of my teammates. I found some of them down the street at a local food establishment that had proven to be hospitable to orcs.
Eng, Bwat, and Ugwyll were all at the bar, each holding a large mug of beer. They were the only ones seated there, with the human customers huddled at tables as far away from the bar as they could get.
The wait staff didn’t seem to mind us orcs. A bearded male human bartender gave me a wave and began pouring me a mug of the dark beer I enjoyed. A human waitress with short, spiked pink hair and a pierced nose smiled at me as she walked by with a plate full of food. Careful not to get too close to the nervous human customers, I made my way to the bar and sat down beside Bwat.
“What took you so long?” Ugwyll asked. “We put in an order for snack-tizers because we’re starving and didn’t want to wait.”
“I went outside and spoke with a human child. Then I met the female I intend to marry.”
Eng saluted me with his beer. “Does she have any sisters or friends you could introduce me to?”
Not if he were the last orc male alive. Eng was an entitled, pompous jerk. If Jordan had any friends or sisters, I’d make sure Eng never met them.
“So, when are you leaving with your new bride?” Bwat asked.
I squirmed. “I have to court her first. You are the one who warned me that I shouldn’t propose right away, so I intend to woo her for at least a week before discussing marriage.”
“Pfft.” Eng scowled. “Courting? Human females? Just grab her and haul her back home. Slap some of that goose-tape on her mouth first so the other humans don’t hear her screaming and shoot you or alert the angels.”
“It’s called duct tape,” Bwat told him.
“You can try to kidnap your bride, but from what I’ve seen of human females, I don’t want to have an angry, unwilling bride in my bed. We’ve got to rest sometime, and I have no doubt she would stab me in my sleep,” I said.
“Not if you tie her up before you slumber,” Ugwyll told me.
I was not going to tie Jordan up. Unless she liked that sort of thing. Then I’d absolutely tie her up.
We drank our beers in silence. The snack-tizers came. Once all the wings and tots and poppers had been consumed, I broached the topic that had been occupying my mind since I’d first seen Jordan in that parking lot.
“Do you think it’s possible to have a mate bond with a human female?” I asked.
Bwat regarded me with sympathy, patting my shoulder. “None of us will ever experience a mate bond. We can only hope to have a satisfying marriage with a human female and know that our children may be able to find a true mate of their own.”
“The orcs who have human blood in their veins were able to have a mate bond. We can breed with humans. We can have loving partnerships with humans. Perhaps a mate bond isn’t out of the question,” I argued.
Ugwyll frowned. “Orcs in the past have brought home human wives when they came here to plunder and raid. If it were possible, wouldn’t some of them have experienced a mate bond with their human spouses?”
No one had an answer to that. We had historical texts, but they didn’t detail the marital life of orcs. And no one living during my lifetime had ever had a human wife, although several of my friends back home had known a human grandmother.
We all stared into our pint glasses with broody gazes. Even Eng seemed saddened by our mate-less fate. Their gloom and despair made me want to give them some hope to hold on to, even though revealing such personal feelings was uncharacteristic for me.
“When I met this human female tonight, I felt more than physical attraction,” I confessed. “I believe I may have felt the stirrings of a mate bond.”
They all jerked their heads to look at me.
“There is a human with orc blood in Baltimore?” Ugwyll’s voice rang with excitement. “Are there more? Females who live here and have orc blood would not have died from the plague. If so, we could all possibly find true mates. But could we bring them home? I don’t want to experience the joy of a mate bond, only to possibly lose my wife to the plague when we returned.”
“We’d need to stay here,” Eng gloomily announced. “I can’t stay here. I’m a very important orc, a son of the clan chieftain. A prince in my kingdom. I’m needed at home. I’m better off just grabbing a fertile human female than having to suffer through the loss of a part-orc mate.”
“I’d stay,” Bwat said. “As much as I dislike life here, I would stay if it meant I was able to bond for life with a female who had orc blood.”
“Is her skin green?” Ugwyll asked. “Green-tinged? Tiny tusks? Those back home with human blood in their veins are only slightly smaller than full-blooded orcs, so she must be larger than most human females.”
I finally managed to break into the conversation. “She does not appear to have any orc blood; she’s a human female.”
Silence fell once more.
“You think you felt a mate bond for a human female?” Bwat asked.
“How hard did you hit your head on the ice?” Eng scoffed.
“Not that hard,” I grumbled. “I’m sure—”
“Maybe you confused lust for a mate bond.” Ugwyll reached down and adjusted his hand-axe through his pants. “Human females can be very enticing. Their lithe bodies, their tantalizing smell… I wonder about their tuskless mouths, and how that might feel—”
“It was more than lust,” I snapped. “I’m sure—”
“Bonded mates are orc-orc.” Bwat frowned. “This human female must be orc. An orc with a glamor to make her appear human? Although with our resistance to magic, I can’t see that ever working.”
“She is a human, and I am sure she is one hundred percent human. And I believe she may be my true mate.” I slugged down my beer and waved at the bartender for another. “Even if she is not, I want her to be my wife. We will return home together, live out our long lives together, and have many orclets.”
I couldn’t hide my smile at the thought. I’d built a den back home before leaving, intending to present it to my wife. It was the traditional wedding gift from a male to his bride, and I’d carefully crafted every bit of the home, thinking the whole time about a contented wife and the rowdy, adorable children we’d raise together. But Jordan… I’d expand the sitting room, add a second porch onto the back, build a detached kitchen for when the days grew too hot to cook in the house. I’d save my earnings and buy the very best furs, purchase anything that caught her eye, make myself available to satisfy her every whim.
Eng’s laughter broke through my happy thoughts.
“Does she know about this? Assuming this truly is a mate bond you feel, then who is to say a human female is even able to experience the same? You may forever be pining for a female who is not interested in being your wife, or one who never accepts the bond.”
“True.” Ugwyll nodded. “If she’s your mate, then you should grab her and race home as fast as you can.”
“Don’t give her a choice,” Eng added. “Once you’re home with her, she’ll have to accept you as her husband. She’ll have no other option.”
I glared at him. Eng was such an asshole. The other orc claimed to be a king’s son from a different mountain range’s clan and acted as if he were better than the rest of us. One day Eng would realize he was working the same job, living in the same sort of accommodations, and under the same restrictions as we were. Here, no one gave a river rat’s ass whether Eng was a king’s son or a dung-pile turner.
“It would be dishonorable to break my vow, even though that promise was made to an angel and not another orc,” I told him. “And I cannot abduct her. She is the female I want to make my bride. I could never do anything to cause her distress or harm her in any way. Besides, the human female in question has indicated she is open to my advances. She gave me a piece of paper with her name, title, and the location of her domicile. And she told me to meet her there Monday morning at the hour of eight.”
Bwat sucked in a breath. “In the morning? At the hour of eight? Whoa.”
I puffed my chest out. It was a promising situation.
“Good job.” Ugwyll punched me in the shoulder. “Figures you’d find a willing female first. Is she comely?”
I snarled at the other orc, ready to come to blows at the questioning of my true mate’s attractiveness.
Bwat put a hand on my arm. “Easy. We just want you to tell us of her beauty.”
Oh. Well, that was okay, then.
“My mate’s name is Jordan Schooner, and she holds a title of ‘Doctor’ among her people. She is slight in build, but bold of character, with skin the color of foam on a dark beer, and eyes like storm-waters. Her hair is the shade of oak-bark and sunshine, and her voice as soothing as Maxten song at night.”
Bwat nodded approvingly. “Very poetic. Your mate sounds truly gorgeous.”
Eng snorted. “Not to me. ‘Bold of character’? She’s a shrew who will make your life a nightmare of arguments. I want a quiet, submissive woman who will do as I say.”
Ugwyll took a swig of his beer. “I don’t care either way as long as she can bear my children. I plan to have at least twelve and intend to have her checked before we wed to ensure her fitness for duty.”
Bwat glared at them both. “Ozar has the right idea. My mate must inspire me to song and poetry. She should be skilled in all forms of art and be able to garden. Our plants and flowers back home will be the envy of the clan, and we will entertain everyone with our duets on the famous orc battles of old.”
I kept quiet. Yesterday I would have agreed that a healthy, compatible bride was enough, but now I hoped for the love that only a mate bond could bring. I wanted conceiving offspring to be more than a duty, more than just a physical pleasure. I wanted my wife to yearn for my touch as much as I would yearn for hers. I wanted my hand-axe to harden just thinking about her. I wanted sex to strengthen our bond, not just to put a child in my female’s womb.
“You are meeting this female on Monday morning at her invitation? What are you going to bring her as your first gift?” Bwat asked.
“I’m not sure,” I confessed. “I spoke to Sizzle in the locker room tonight, and he suggested I give her a steak from the grocery store or a Starbucks gift card.”
“What in the name of every mountain god is a ‘Starbucks gift card’?” Ugwyll asked.
“Gift cards are a type of currency only exchangeable in certain stores. Humans find them an appropriate reciprocation for a kindness done to them, but I don’t believe it would be substantial enough to impress a human female that one is courting, let alone one who might possibly be a true mate,” Bwat said, reaffirming my decision that he was the correct one to ask about how to woo human females.
“A steak? From a grocery store?” Eng’s eyebrows shot up. “Maybe a slab of meat if you actually killed the beast yourself. Even then, presenting the entire animal would be a better choice. Always go overboard on gifts to show that you are not only serious about making her your bride, but that you have the skill and riches to provide for her.”
“I agree.” I shrugged. “But there are no large beasts nearby for me to slay, and my meeting with her is Monday morning. That gives me tomorrow to procure something, and I doubt I could locate a large beast within the city of Baltimore to kill in that timeframe. What would make a suitable first gift for a human female that I can acquire by tomorrow night?”
