Grumpy Pucking Orc (Orcs on Ice Book 1), page 20
“Wait…he spent the night?” Willa asked.
Abby and Willa both squealed at my nod.
“And in addition to his efforts to win Judy over, he made me breakfast,” I told them.
Willa chuckled. “I’m guessing that’s why you weren’t at the gym this morning?”
“Obviously,” Abby chimed in. “You know she got quite the morning workout with Ozar. Maybe two or three workouts?”
Thankfully, our food arrived, and I didn’t have to answer that question, because the answer was yes. But as soon as the waitress left, my friends got right back to interrogating me for all the details. I thought about how to tell them enough without turning our dinner out into the recitation of an erotic novel.
“So, is the sex good?” Willa asked as she layered the lettuce and tomato on her burger. “He’s taking care of your needs first? He knows where your clit actually is and how to treat it right? There’s substantial foreplay before the zipper on his pants goes down?”
“Yes, yes, yes, and yes.” I sighed, thinking of how the sex with Ozar seemed to get better and better each time. Everything with Ozar was better each time. “It’s not just the physical, either. There’s this weird emotional connection that’s hard for me to describe. This all really does seem too good to be true.”
“Jordan is in love,” Abby teased in a sing-song voice.
I absolutely felt as if I were in love—more in love than I’d ever been before. And that scared me. We were moving too fast, but I couldn’t seem to help myself. I wanted to see him, spend time with him, have sex with him. I kept envisioning a life with Ozar, a family with Ozar. Was this bordering on obsession? Should I back this whole bus up and try to put some distance between us just to ensure my feelings were real before I got in too deep?
“I don’t believe in insta-love,” I told my friends. “It’s never love. It’s just lust clouding both people’s judgement. And in time, when that settles down, you realize it wasn’t love at all. You realize he’s a selfish asshole who was lying about nearly everything just so he could get in your pants. You realize that he’s commitment phobic and has an eviction, a repossessed car, and a hundred grand in defaulted credit card debt—”
“Yikes,” Abby muttered, sliding my drink closer to me.
“He always forgets his wallet, so you end up paying for dinner, and you’re too nice to keep hounding him to Venmo you his share like he promised,” I continued. “He tells you he’s a Software Engineer for Google, then you realize he is unemployed.”
“You’ve dated Paul too?” Willa asked. “Because that sounds a lot like Paul.”
I laughed, snapping out of my bitter rant. “Ozar is none of those things, but I can’t help but be paranoid.”
“Just go with it,” Abby said. “Ride the wave of awesome sex and perfect guy and just enjoy it.”
“Yeah,” Willa agreed. “Especially the sex. Ride that…what did you say he called his peen? A spear or something?”
I grinned. “His hand-axe.”
Willa snorted. “Yeah, girl. Ride that hand-axe every chance you get. And if things go to shit, then drop him to the curb like garbage on Tuesday night.”
“But things won’t go south,” Abby told me. “Be positive. This might be the one. Don’t let all the crappy experiences color your judgement. Don’t miss out on what could be the love of your life.”
Abby was a Pollyanna, but I couldn’t help but hope she was right, because Ozar just felt…like a puzzle piece that easily snapped into place—both in my life and my heart.
“Better take a pregnancy test every week though,” she added. “Just to be on the safe side.”
I shrugged, thinking that was a weird concern given how many discussions about various birth control methods we’d had over the years. “You know I’m on the pill. And I’m super careful about taking it on time, not missing a dose, and watching any drug interactions. No unplanned pregnancy for me. Nope. Not gonna happen.”
Abby shot me a sideways look. “Are you sure? I’ve been reading a lot of orc romances in the last few days, and they supposedly have some sort of super sperm that overcomes birth control.”
“Orc romances? That’s a thing?” I asked.
“How the hell does the sperm force her to ovulate when she’s on hormonal birth control?” Willa wondered. “That doesn’t make sense. And does orc sperm burn through condoms? Diaphragms? Okay, that I can kinda imagine, but causing ovulation?”
I frowned, suddenly very worried. “There’s no way that stuff is caustic enough to do any of that. I mean, it didn’t burn my esophagus, so how could it burn condoms?”
“Hot damn. Jordan swallowed.” Willa saluted me with her beer.
“I still think you should take a pregnancy test.” Abby picked up a French fry and popped it into her mouth.
Taking a bite of my burger, I considered her suggestion. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that the suggestion freaked me out a bit. The whole thing sounded improbable, but in a world where demons, angels, werewolves, and now orcs openly lived, where magic was a thing—you could buy amulets and spells at a store—super-powered sperm wasn’t really out of the realm of possibility.
“Is there anything else those orc romances mentioned?” I asked Abby. “Unusual customs or physiological things I should know about? Is Ozar going to sprout a tail and a second cock? Do orcs have harems? Shed their skin? Need to take a six-year pilgrimage to a cave during their lifetime?”
Willa wrinkled her nose. “Eww. I mean eww on the shedding their skin. And the second cock. The tail I could probably live with.”
“No, but they often have soulmates,” Abby informed me. “Two orcs will meet, and it will be more than just a love-at-first-sight thing. It’s like they’re meant for each other. Fated to be together.”
Uh oh.
“I do kind of feel connected to him,” I confessed. “It’s not just great sex, and it’s not just compatibility and friendship. It’s weird.” Although maybe that was just an orc-orc thing, and not a human-orc thing.
“It’s bullshit, is what it is.” Willa rolled her eyes. “You two are such romantics. I’m gonna barf over here. Love? I’m all on board with wanting someone as a best friend and a lover. Soul-connection, fated mates? That’s in the same fantasy realm as super-sperm as far as I’m concerned.”
“You’re just jealous,” I teased. “Don’t worry. I’ll introduce you to one of Ozar’s teammates, then you too can have a green-skinned, muscle-bound soulmate with super-sperm and a magical dick.”
“Sold. Sign me up.” Willa’s laugh seemed oddly high-pitched.
“Me too,” Abby added with a sigh of longing.
Chapter 25
Ozar
“Ozar! Get your head out of your fucking ass and pay attention,” Ugwyll shouted after a hockey puck nearly caved in my forehead.
“The stick is down here on the ice, not between my eyes,” I yelled back.
None of us were proficient at pushing the puck around the ice with the curved sticks, Ugwyll included. He had a habit of launching it through the air each time he attempted to pass the turd-like object. But he was right, I was distracted.
Thinking of Jordan.
Last night had been amazing. This morning had been amazing. I liked her spacious home, and her decor, although I didn’t understand the complete lack of furs. Her bed didn’t have even one fur. It was quite comfortable otherwise, and I was more than happy to make love to her wherever I could, but I was absolutely going to get her some furs—the best furs I could buy, since skinning a kill and tanning its hide seemed a nearly impossible task in the modern human world.
But none of that would matter because we would soon be returning home, and I had a lovely house with plenty of furs prepared for her there. My mind wandered, envisioning me and Jordan in the home I’d built before I’d left to find a bride. There was a beautiful view of the Swael Mountain Range from the back porch, but it was close enough to my clan’s town that she could easily visit others each day. Our orclets would lack for nothing. I was hoping that I could change Jordan’s mind about the number of our offspring once we were wed. If not, then I would try to be satisfied with one or two. I hoped others from our clan came here to find human brides, so our children would never want for playmates. And of course we’d bring Judy with us. Jordan loved her cat, and I would make sure the little furry animal was safe in my homeland.
“Ozar!” Another puck almost cleaved my left ear off.
“You are very bad at this hockey,” I growled at Ugwyll.
“We are all bad at this hockey,” he snapped back. “At least I’m trying. Your mind and hand-axe are with your mate right now, rolling in her furs in your imagination.”
He wasn’t wrong. None of this seemed to matter anymore. I knew Jordan returned my feelings. She’d let me spend the night in her furless bed. She’d introduced me to her beloved Judy. Why should I bother to care about hockey or this team when we would soon be home, wed, and making orclets? Orclet. Surely, she would want more than one child?
But I couldn’t let Ugwyll down. The others on the team might not care about hockey or winning, but he did, and I’d be leaving him behind. Who knew how long that idiot would need to wait until he found a human female willing to put up with him and agree to be his bride. It was my responsibility as the leader here to help him. Since I could hardly help him find a bride, then I might as well help him win at the hockey.
From what I’d learned of Ugwyll, winning our game was probably more important than finding a bride.
Another puck whizzed a few inches over my head and cracked the clear plastic that topped the wall around our ice arena. I didn’t know much about this hockey game, but I didn’t think concussing the other team with the puck would be considered winning.
“We should practice skating and disabling our opponents.” Hopefully that would help us tomorrow night, because there was little chance we were going to get the puck into the net of our enemy.
Ugwyll thankfully agreed, and we spent the next three hours trying to skate as fast as we could without falling. We moved side by side and occasionally tried to knock the other down by elbowing and trying to trip each other with our sticks. Plowing into Ugwyll resulted in us both falling to the ice in a heap, so we both decided our strategy should only involve elbows and sticks.
We both showered and changed in the locker room, then I went home for lunch, feeling that my apartment was small and lonely compared to Jordan’s home. At least I had plenty of furs, though.
Maybe I should get a cat of my own. It could keep Judy company when Jordan and I returned home. She’d said the cat didn’t like change, and relocating to my homeland would be a huge change. A friend might assist Judy in making the transition with minimal stress.
I ate some meat and drank a large glass of cold milk, then headed out for my afternoon run. Checking my phone, I adjusted my route and let it guide me to the place where pets were waiting for homes.
My phone guided me to a location off Giles Road with huge paw prints painted on the side of the building and two stories of glass windows framing the entrance.
Two human women and a human man were working behind the front desk. The man was helping a human couple with some paperwork, presumably about the tiny dog hopping excitedly around their feet at the end of a colorful rope. One woman with bright red hair was talking on a phone. The other woman had wrinkled pale skin and short silvery hair that was curled in neat rows across the top of her head.
“Are you here to meet your friend?” The silver-haired woman beamed at me with a broad, toothy smile.
“Yes?” I assumed that was what the humans called their pets? Friends? Jordan certainly seemed to treat Judy as if she were an honored close relative, and I would like to have a friendly relationship with my own cat.
“He’s through that door and down the second aisle to your left.” The silver-haired woman pointed to a door, still smiling.
It seemed fitting that my cat would be male, so I didn’t question the human woman’s assumptions.
Going through the door, I was hit with a wall of sound. Shrill yaps, deep bays, loud barks, and through it all, the occasional plaintive meow. Following the human woman’s directions, I went down the second aisle to my left but didn’t see any cats. Instead, I saw Bwat.
I knew the other orc had been tasked with assisting homeless animals, but I hadn’t realized he would be doing it here, or at this time. And I hadn’t expected him to actually do it. Eng and Ugwyll had both ranted about their assignments, vowing to defy the demon who owned the team. I didn’t mind since I actually enjoyed playing with the children at the parks and was excited at the prospect of visiting schools and spending time with the little humans who attended our games.
I should have realized Bwat would follow through. It wasn’t that he was the kind to obey orders from a demon—no orcs were really the kind to obey orders unless they truly respected and felt a sense of loyalty toward their leader, and none of us respected or felt loyal to the idiot demon who owned our team. No, Bwat was an orc filled with endless curiosity. He would see this as an opportunity to learn about the various animals humans kept as pets. He’d dive into this assignment with gusto.
Except Bwat did not look particularly gusto-filled right now. He looked bored. Until he saw me, that is.
“Ozar!” His face brightened and he rushed toward me, still carrying the broom he’d been sweeping the floor with. “Is there something important I need to do for the team? Right now, that is?”
“No. I’m here to look at cats. I didn’t expect to see you.” That might have been a little blunt, but I was irked that Bwat wasn’t practicing like Ugwyll and I were. Not that it would matter since Jordan and I would be returning home soon.
“The cats are in another area since the dogs’ barking scare them,” he told me. “I’ll show you.”
We walked past the long row of cages with the loud, excited canines who jumped and battered their front paws against the fencing. The enclosures were well made, and none of the dogs were in danger of escaping, but the noise and the excitement was excessive. Poor Judy would have been terrified.
The cats were separated from the dogs by two doors and a hallway. I could still hear the barking, but it was suitably muted. Still, many of the cats seemed alarmed, huddling at the back of their cages with raised fur and big eyes.
“Have you learned much about these human pets?” I asked Bwat as I surveyed the available cats.
“No,” he snapped. “I am only allowed to sweep floors and clean empty cages. I don’t talk with the humans who come to adopt animals. I don’t interact with the animals. I am taught nothing about their care or what makes humans love them so.”
No wonder he was bored.
“Jordan has a cat,” I told him. “Judy-the-cat is a fierce hunter and a judger of character. I believe I am winning her over.”
“How?” Bwat looked at a large gray cat that stared back at him.
“Chicken. Feeding the cat makes them happy. And they enjoy games that simulate hunting. I reflected light from a mirror and Judy joyously chased it around in an attempt to kill it.”
Bwat stuck a finger through the bars of the cage and rubbed the gray cat’s cheek. It purred, and he yanked his hand away in alarm.
“That is a happy noise.” I’d been similarly frightened when Judy had made that sound, thinking she had some sort of respiratory infection that might require emergency care. “If they no longer want you to stroke them, then they will either walk away or bite your finger.”
“Bite?” Bwat sounded uncertain, but he stuck his finger into the cage again to pet the cat. “I can’t believe a small animal like this would be considered a fierce hunter.”
“Their teeth and claws are very sharp. They have the ability to jump up to six times their height. And they can employ an impressive burst of speed. I do believe that Judy can easily take down an animal her own size, but Jordan says she prefers to hunt insects, birds, and mice.”
Bwat seemed impressed by that. “Their fur is very soft. Maybe I’ll come back and eventually be trusted with additional duties.”
The door opened, and the older human woman with her short silver hair in rows of curls approached. “Bwat, you should be sweeping. I know you’re a volunteer, but we’re counting on you to keep the dog kennels clean.”
Bwat sent me a pained look, then left with his broom as the gray cat meowed in protest.
“Are you interested in adopting a cat?” the woman asked me once Bwat was gone.
I nodded. “The human woman who will soon be my wife has a cat, and I thought it might be good to have one of my own. That way when we return to my home, her cat will not be lonely.”
“Some cats are very particular about sharing their home with others,” she informed me. “They are territorial animals, and it can take a long time for them to get used to another cat in the home. If you introduce them slowly and carefully, and keep your expectations low, they can learn to coexist.”
I stared at her for a moment. “I…I don’t understand any of that.”
She patted my elbow. “We have booklets to guide you in introducing the cats, but basically you need to keep them separated for a while. The new cat can stay in a bathroom where it will feel safe and the current cat will become familiar with its scent. Like I said, it’s a slow process. And some cats never really become friends with the newcomer. Some bond and will play and enjoy each other’s company, but some just tolerate the new cat and stay as far away as possible.”
“That does not sound ideal,” I mused. “I hoped to provide company and a playmate for Judy. I don’t want her to be lonely living somewhere without cats.”
“Most cats don’t care about having another cat around. They’re not herd animals like sheep or horses, and they do just fine living independently. As long as you provide Judy with human companionship and interesting toys to keep her mind sharp and her body fit, then she’ll be happy. I would be concerned about predators wherever your home is, though. I’d recommend not letting Judy outside the house when you and your fiancée move.”
