The Jacaranda House, page 34
Sonny thought they might be moving back into Polly-bashing territory. ‘Well, we’ll see when we get there, won’t we?’ He nodded at Awhi’s large tote bag on the floor. ‘Did you bring something to read?’
‘I’ve got some knitting. Did you bring a book?’
Sonny nodded. He had a copy of The Spy Who Came In From the Cold by John Le Carré, but he was probably going to have a couple of beers and a kip, though no doubt Awhi wouldn’t approve.
She didn’t.
‘You’re not drinking at this hour of the afternoon?’ she said when the drinks trolley came round. ‘And in public!’
‘We’re on a plane, Mum. Look around, everyone’s doing it.’
‘I’m not.’
Sonny sighed, took his bottle, glass and paper napkin from the hostess and thanked her. ‘Don’t worry about it, Mum.’
The hostess asked, ‘Would you like an alcoholic beverage or a fruit juice, madam?’
‘I most certainly would not,’ Awhi said. ‘Do you have tea?’
‘Not until the meal is served, which will be shortly.’
The meal was a full dinner, a choice of chicken or beef, and even Awhi couldn’t find much to criticise about it, except to complain about all the different little bowls and trays it came in. Which, Sonny pointed out, wasn’t her problem as she wouldn’t be doing the dishes.
Her fear returned as they prepared to land in Sydney and once again she grabbed his hand in a death grip, but the touchdown was relatively smooth and she let go as soon as they were on the runway.
The moment they exited the plane she said, ‘It smells funny here.’
‘That’s the aviation fuel.’
‘No, the air, it’s different.’
‘Well, it probably is. We’re in a different country.’
It was almost dark, and still reasonably warm – warmer than it had been last time Sonny had visited. This time, after they’d collected their baggage – because of course Awhi had over-packed and brought a case that couldn’t be carried onto the plane – he didn’t even bother with the bus stop and guided his mother straight to the taxi stand, ignoring her protest about the expense. She had no idea how big Sydney was and didn’t understand that a bus ride to Kings Cross would take ages and probably several changes.
She was quiet as the taxi drove through the deepening night. Sonny thought she might be tired. At least he hoped so: far better that she was exhausted than stewing over what she was going to say to Polly when they finally met after nearly nine years.
*
Evie was around at the flat, celebrating the fact that she’d been fired from the Stiletto Club. Rhoda and Star were also home as it was a normal night off for them, even though Star’s fat lip had subsided to the point that it could quite easily be covered with make-up. Everyone was in a good mood except Polly. She knew she should be grateful for the way her friends had rallied round her, and Gina’s safety and Emmeline’s incredibly generous gift and everything else, but all she could think about was having no job and no money and how she was running out of heroin. She knew she was being profoundly selfish but couldn’t stop it. She was so horribly ashamed of what she’d become and she hated herself.
Star was on her way to the record player to replace Cilla Black’s ‘You’re My World’ with ‘My Guy’ by Mary Wells, when someone knocked on the door, so she detoured to open it. ‘Are we expecting anyone?’
‘Don’t think so. David’s not coming over?’ Rhoda asked Polly.
‘No, why would he?’ Polly was fed up with insinuations that there was something between her and David.
It wasn’t David, though.
Polly nearly died when Star opened the door to reveal Sonny and her mother, Awhi.
Gina shrieked with delight, charged across the room and hurled herself at her grandmother. ‘Nannie, Nannie! Uncle Sonny! You’ve come to see us!’
Awhi embraced Gina. ‘Ah, my moko, my beautiful moko! You’re so skinny! Go and get your things, e hine, we’re going home.’
‘Hang on a minute, Mum,’ Sonny said.
Evie, Rhoda and Star looked on in mute shock.
To Polly, her mother still looked the same even after all this time – the same shapeless dress and cardigan and long grey plait – she sounded the same, and she was clearly still thinking the same way, and she wasn’t having it.
‘Gina’s not going anywhere,’ she snapped. ‘Why are you here?’
Sonny said, ‘Evie rang. She said you were in trouble.’
Polly whirled on Evie. ‘Did you?’
‘Yes,’ Evie replied. ‘Because you are. I think you should both go home. You can’t manage here any more, Polly. You need to go home and get better.’
Rhoda and Star both looked agog, sitting at the table, eyes wide, watching the drama unfold. Sebastian had crept off the couch to jump onto Star’s lap, and Tatiana had disappeared into Rhoda’s bedroom.
‘I’m not going home!’ Polly almost shouted.
‘No, not you, just Gina,’ Awhi said. ‘There’s no place for you at home.’
‘For God’s sake, leave it, Mum,’ Sonny warned.
Polly stood, facing her mother. ‘She’s not going anywhere without me. She’s my daughter. How many times do I have to say it?’
Gina looked at her grandmother, then her mother, and moved to stand by Sonny. Slowly, her hand crept into his.
‘You’re not fit to have a daughter!’ Awhi said. ‘Look at you. Skinny as a rake, spotty face, dirty hair. And this dump!’ She waved an arm to encompass the room. ‘Full ashtrays, dirty floors, strange pictures on the walls, mess everywhere, and them!’ Pointing at Rhoda and Star she let rip. ‘Men going around as women! It’s disgusting! It’s perverted! It’s an abomination in the eyes of God! Leviticus 18:22 says, “Men shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination.”’
Behind her hand Star whispered to Rhoda, ‘Oh no, does this mean I’m not going to heaven?’
Rhoda said, ‘Shush.’
‘Mum, will you shut up?’ Sonny barked.
But Awhi didn’t. ‘And Leviticus 20:13, “If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act.” And you’re subjecting my mokopuna to this! She’ll be tainted forever. The kingdom of heaven will be forever closed to her! You’re as bad as they are.’
Polly’s anger intensified to a white hot burn. ‘How dare you say that about my friends? They’ve been more of a family to me than you ever have.’
‘Well, whose fault’s that?’ Awhi shot back. ‘You’ve always been trouble. Running away, getting drunk, bringing shame on the family, being a whore, getting pregnant to God knows who.’
Polly stood very, very still. Her head and her heart pounded wildly, her teeth and jaws ached, and she wanted more than anything to punch the living daylights out of her mother, but mostly she wanted all of this to stop. She was so, so tired and she just wanted to stop running.
‘All right. It was Dad. He got me pregnant.’
The silence stretched out so long Polly wondered if she’d actually said the words out loud, or only thought she had.
Then her mother stepped forwards and slapped her across the face, hard. ‘You wicked, wicked girl. You liar! You witch!’
Rhoda let out a little shriek and Sonny said, ‘Hey!’
Polly lifted her arm and slapped her mother back just as sharply. ‘And you knew, didn’t you? And you didn’t do a fucking thing about it!’
Evie got up from the table, marched across the room, took Gina by the arm and whipped her out the door. Polly was grateful but it really only half-registered through the hurricane of emotions whirling around in her head.
Rubbing her face, Awhi wailed, ‘Where’s she going with my moko?’
‘Never mind that,’ Sonny said. ‘Is that true, what Polly said?’
‘No! It’s lies, she’s telling lies.’ Then to Polly, Awhi said, ‘And how dare you hit me! I’m your mother!’
Polly got right up in Awhi’s face, ignoring her cringe. ‘How dare you let my father do what he did for all that time. Yes, you are supposed to be my mother. You were supposed to protect me!’
‘You’re lying!’
‘I’m not and you know I’m not!’
‘But I didn’t know!’ Awhi shouted, her voice cracking. ‘I didn’t know, I didn’t!’
‘But you knew he was a bully and a drunk and a bastard,’ Sonny said.
‘Yes, but I didn’t know he was . . .’ Awhi gestured towards Polly.
‘Well, he fucking was,’ Polly roared. ‘For ten years after I turned nine. On and on and bloody on. And do you know why I put up with it? Do you? So he wouldn’t go near the other girls. I did it for my sisters. I did it for Hine and Ruth. I did it till I was nineteen, a grown bloody woman. I did it till I got pregnant. And I was so dumb I didn’t even know how to get rid of it.’ Polly stepped back, picked up her cigarettes from the coffee table and hurled them at her mother. ‘You wouldn’t have helped me, you and your shitty church and your holier-than-thou attitude and pretending everything was bloody lovely in our family when we were all shit-scared of Dad even after we left home. Bloody Pera Manaia, the great fucking war hero. We all knew he beat the shit out of you, you know. We heard him and we saw the bruises and the black eyes.’
‘Stop it!’ Awhi cried.
‘And you lied. You lied for him all the time. And when he died? None of us gave a shit. Not one of us.’
Their mother looked back and forth between them, then threw her hands up as though to defend herself. ‘Well, what was I supposed to do?’ Awhi shouted. ‘Leave with eleven kids?’
‘You could have told someone! You could have asked for help!’
‘Oh, don’t be stupid. You don’t talk about that sort of thing. And, and – and you kids were all fed and clothed. You were all right,’ Awhi protested. She tried to swallow what looked like a very big sob. ‘I did love you all.’
‘We weren’t all right, Mum. And you knew what he was doing to me.’
‘I didn’t. I swear I didn’t!’
‘Is that why you didn’t want Gina when she was a baby?’ Sonny asked gently.
‘I didn’t want her, I didn’t want anyone’s baby,’ Polly said. ‘And she looked so like him. She still does.’ She burst into tears.
‘No, she doesn’t,’ Sonny said. ‘She looks like you. And me.’
‘But you sold her to those people,’ Awhi said, weeping herself now and subsiding into an armchair. ‘How could you? Your own flesh and blood?’
‘My own half-sister, you mean? And your husband’s daughter? Because that’s what she is. And I didn’t sell her. I sent her away from our fucked-up family to give her a chance at a decent life. And yes, I took the money I was offered. I took it for her. It’s still in the bank. You know that, so stop saying you don’t. You know all these things and you never took my side. You never looked after us. You never stopped him.’
Evie slipped quietly back into the flat and took her place at the table.
‘I couldn’t stop him,’ Awhi sobbed. ‘And he was your father.’
‘I don’t care if he was our father or your husband or God!’ Polly shouted. Tears were streaming down her face now and snot pouring from her nose. ‘I was just a little girl, Mum. I hate him, I hate him! I hate him for taking everything away from me and for making me hate my baby when I really didn’t. I loved her and I do love her and every time I look at her I see him and I can’t stand it! I can’t get him out of my head!’
‘But you were his favourite,’ Awhi said bitterly.
‘His favourite! Christ! How can you be so bloody stupid? I can’t stop hearing him telling me I’m useless and dumb and good for nothing and dirty and I stink worse than a dog. I hear it all the time, even now, every bloody day. He poisoned everything. I wanted to die. But I didn’t, I haven’t, because of Gina. She’s mine. She’s all I have and now I’ve ruined it.’
Rhoda did a loud, phlegmy sob, and flapped her hand. ‘Sorry, sorry.’
Sonny moved to Polly and took her in his arms. ‘You haven’t, Pol, really you haven’t. Gina loves you.’
‘But she heard what I said. She heard me say it was Dad.’
‘She won’t put two and two together,’ Sonny said. ‘She’s too young.’
‘She will. She’s clever. She’ll know and she’ll hate me. She’ll think I’m disgusting.’
‘Look, she didn’t even know our father. He’s just a dead relative to her.’
‘But she knows daughters don’t have babies with their fathers,’ Polly said, panic and despair rising up in her all over again. ‘And he’s not just a dead relative, he was fucking Superman, thanks to all her bullshit,’ she added, nodding towards Awhi.
Sonny turned to Evie. ‘Where is she?’
‘Downstairs with the neighbours.’
‘Do you think she understood?’
Evie shrugged. ‘She is upset, though, about the fighting.’
Polly broke into fresh tears and slumped onto the couch, her arms folded across her belly, head resting against Sonny’s knees. He stayed where he was, stroking her hair. No one said anything. The room was full of sobs and sniffles. Only Sonny and Evie were dry-eyed. Sonny’s rage at his dead father and his blind, inept family – in which he included himself – was damming his tears, while Evie was furiously planning how to get Polly home to New Zealand with a decent job that would keep her reasonably independent of her family and too busy to even think about drugs.
After a few minutes Star got up, dislodging Sebastian, found a box of tissues, and handed them round. Polly and Rhoda took some but Awhi regarded the box as though it were a ticking bomb and carried on bawling into her sodden hanky.
Finally Polly got herself under control. She didn’t exactly feel better having said after so many years what she’d refused to admit to anyone, but she did feel as though an entire ocean had drained from her. She felt numb, and so very tired. What she wanted most was to sleep, and to know that Gina still loved her. She wanted Gina back here with her, now.
She sat back on the couch and looked up at Sonny. ‘Where are you staying?’
Sonny sat down next to her. ‘Not sure yet.’
From the table, Rhoda said, ‘Look, why don’t you both stay here? Mrs Manaia can have Gina’s room and Gina and Sonny can sleep out here.’
‘No!’ Polly roared, her anger erupting all over again. She glared at her mother. ‘She’s not staying here!’
Sonny winced.
‘Be reasonable, Pol,’ Rhoda said. ‘The good hotels round here charge an arm and a leg, and I wouldn’t put a dog in the bad ones.’
‘No. You don’t know what she’s like!’
‘But –’ Rhoda began.
But Polly was up and off to her room, slamming the door so hard the French doors to the balcony rattled.
Everyone looked at Awhi.
‘See what she’s like?’ she said.
*
Sonny went downstairs to fetch Gina, who came back with red and puffy eyes.
‘Why is everyone fighting?’ she asked, sitting on the couch cuddling Tatty. ‘I don’t like it when people fight. It’s stink.’
‘I know it’s stink,’ Sonny said. ‘But sometimes grown-ups disagree and need to have it out.’
‘Well, I don’t like it.’
‘Well, we’ll sort it, don’t worry.’
‘Where’s Mum?’ Gina asked.
‘In her room. I’ll go and see if she’s all right.’
Polly wasn’t all right. She was lying on her bed with her arms over her face. ‘Why did you bring her here?’ she said, her voice muffled. ‘You know I never, ever wanted her here.’
‘She wanted to come,’ Sonny said. ‘She wanted to help with Gina. And I thought it would do her good to see what . . . well, what state you’re in.’
‘You mean what a fuck-up I am? So she can have a good laugh?’
‘No, so she can take responsibility for her own part in this. For driving you away.’
‘She’s never bloody well taken responsibility for anything in her life.’
‘She has, actually, quite often. You know that. Don’t be too hard on her, Pol. She did her best. She got between us and him when she could – just like you did, for Hine and Ruth. She’s right, there were eleven of us. How was she supposed to manage everything, as well as our bloody father?’
‘That’s right, stick up for her. Christ, Sonny. You were there. You know.’
‘I’m not sticking up for her: I’m just saying how it probably was.’
‘And even if she didn’t know what Dad was doing to me she knew about all the rest, him belting us and all that. What’s her excuse for that?’
‘I don’t know,’ Sonny said. ‘I haven’t asked her. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe that’s just the way it was, Pol. People are flawed. You are, I am. Maybe we should all just try and fix our own faults and hope other people fix theirs. I don’t know, do I? I’m not a bloody psychiatrist.’
‘She’s only here because she wants to take Gina.’
‘No one’s taking Gina off you.’
Polly dropped her arms. ‘Do you promise?’
‘I promise.’
Polly said, ‘Good,’ and rolled over, presenting her back to him.
Sonny left her to it and went back out to the lounge.
‘Is she all right?’ Evie asked.
‘She’s OK.’
‘Whew,’ Rhoda said. ‘I thought she might be, you know . . .’
‘Smoking her drugs?’ Gina said. ‘She isn’t. You can smell when she does that.’
‘Can you?’ Star said, looking startled.
Evie said, ‘Gina doesn’t smoke. Her nose is probably better than ours.’
‘So, are you staying here?’ Rhoda asked.
‘We didn’t get to that,’ Sonny replied.
‘Well, I think you should. This is our flat, too, remember. Gina, love, would you mind if your nan had your room for a night or two?’
‘No, I don’t mind,’ Gina said. ‘The bed’s really comfy, Nan.’
‘And you can have the couch, Gina,’ Rhoda went on. ‘Sorry, Sonny, you’ll have to have the floor.’
‘I’ve slept on worse.’
