Why Men Hate Going to Church, page 1
PRAISE FOR
WHY MEN HATE GOING TO CHURCH
“This is one of the most helpful books for understanding why men are indifferent toward church and how churches must change to welcome men.”
—MARK DRISCOLL
Pastor of Mars Hill Church, cofounder of Acts 29 church planting organization; founder of The Resurgence
“As a trainer of churches all over the world, I cannot remember one session where I have not recommended Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow. It is a prophetic and relevant ‘snap-out-of-it’ masterwork that every pastor must read—not just for the sake of the kingdom, but also for his own sake and sanity in ministry. David’s words are strong but needed medicine for those of us who call ourselves pastors.”
—KENNY LUCK
Men’s pastor, Saddleback Church
“David Murrow knows how to connect with men. Where was this guy when I was twenty?”
—FRANK PASTORE
Host of America’s largest Christian talk show, KKLA (Los Angeles)
“A church filled with committed men is unstoppable. This is the playbook that can literally redefine and rebuild the church body and its impact on men in this new season in America.”
—BRAD STINE
“God’s comic” comedian, actor, author, and inspirational speaker
“In this volume, David Murrow puts his finger on some of the key reasons why men hate the traditional form of church. This book shows us a way of ‘being church’ that lines up with the New Testament and reveals the stunning greatness of Christ to the world.”
—FRANK VIOLA
Author of Pagan Christianity, Reimagining Church, Jesus Manifesto, and From Eternity to Here
“David Murrow’s ministry has impacted thousands of churches around the world. Why Men Hate Going to Church is a transforming work that will cause you to think differently about what it takes to involve men in your church.”
—DR. JAMES GRASSI
President and founder, Men’s Ministry Catalyst
“The first edition was excellent. This one’s better. Everyone interested in getting men into church should read this book, read it again, and then lend it to a friend.”
—BILL PERKINS
Speaker; author of The Jesus Experiment
“David Murrow has quickly become one of the leading voices in the world regarding issues of men and the church. His research is vital to any leader trying to reach men.”
—DR. CHUCK STECKER
President/founder, A Chosen Generation and Center for InterGenerational Ministry
“In this gem of a book, David Murrow presents clear and convincing reasons for why men aren’t in church. . . . Why Men Hate Going to Church challenges every churchgoer to step up to the plate and do what it takes to engage the men in their congregations.”
—DR. ALBERT L. WINSEMAN
Faith Communities Global Practice Leader, The Gallup Organization
“As a lifelong Catholic girl, I’ve often wondered why men are less than enthusiastic about church. Now I know why. Why Men Hate Going to Church was a real eye-opener for me.”
—U.S. SENATOR LISA MURKOWSKI
(R-ALASKA)
“This is an eye-opening resource for Christians concerned with the retreat of men from the life and ministry of our churches. . . . David Murrow offers wonderful and insightful advice to help remedy this dire situation and recover the vital role of men in today’s church.”
—DR. GARY COOK
President, Dallas Baptist University
“Women, if you really want to know why men are so bored, uneasy, and passive in church, this is the book for you. If you want to know why he’d rather play golf than meet with the God of the universe, read this book.”
—FLORENCE LITTAUER
Founder, CLASSeminar; speaker; author of Personality Plus and Silver Boxes
“David Murrow has made a painful reality profoundly clear: most churches no longer connect with men. Of course, it doesn’t have to be that way, and Murrow shows why. But until we acknowledge the problem, nothing will change and we will lose millions of sons, husbands, and friends—and the gifts they bring to the church in the process.”
—DR. ROBERT M. LEWIS
Founder, Men’s Fraternity
“Why Men Hate Going to Church encourages and enables women to dive deeply into the hearts of men and understands what motivates them spiritually. While exposing the reality and danger of churches overrun by feminine ideals Murrow offers theological brilliance grounded in richly biblical truths. This is an amazingly insightful book.”
—GINGER PLOWMAN
Author of Don’t Make Me Count to Three
“I’ve often noticed that sermons on Mother’s Day tend to gush over moms, while on Father’s Day they tell dads to ‘shape up.’ I’ve always thought this strange, but David Murrow’s book explains how common this attitude actually is. The modern church pushes men out of the pews by ignoring their needs and devaluing their stengths. For churches and individuals wondering where all the men have gone, Why Men Hate Going to Church gives us a much-needed diagnosis and a practical prescription to call the church back to effective, relevant ministry to America’s men.”
—SHEILA WRAY GREGOIRE
Author of Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight: Help for Women Who Want to Feel More “In the Mood”
“David Murrow has shined a bright light on one of the church’s darkest secrets: missing men. Church history shows that when men return to church, its impact on society multiplies. Murrow documents the reasons men are absent, then provides practical suggestions to make church a place where both men and women feel at home. You may not agree with everything Murrow says, but you can’t ignore it.”
—DR. WOODY DAVIS
President and head coach, TEAMinistries, Inc.
“The problem of missing men could be the most difficult challenge the church faces today. We try to fix this problem with minor program adjustments, then wonder why there is little or no change! I challenge every Christian to read this book, to understand the problem, and to enter into the battle to build spiritual fathers.”
—DAN SCHAEFFER
Author, speaker, and director of Building Brothers
“Women, if you’re having trouble getting Bubba off the couch and into the pew, this is the book for you. In a fair, enlightening, and entertaining manner, Murrow shares how to stand by our men, releasing them to God’s great adventure, instead of taming or redecorating them.”
—BECKY FREEMAN
Author and speaker
“Finally, a book that helps women understand why our best efforts to get our husbands to church almost always fail. In Why Men Hate Going to Church, Dave Murrow shows how we—and the church—have tried to ‘feminize’ men and why they fight against it (and why they should). We don’t want girly men! We want men of God! Murrow believes that’s possible and that it’s not too late for it to happen.”
—NANCY KENNEDY
Author of When He Doesn’t Believe and Between Two Loves
“For every female who has ever wondered, ‘Why isn’t my man more into church?’ For every male who has ever wondered, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ For every leader who has ever wondered, ‘How can we reach and inspire men?’ David Murrow has brought to us a fresh voice regarding the spiritual gender differences and some amazing insights and stunningly simple solutions to the complex problem of reaching and inspiring the male. Though it’s not likely that men were dropped on their heads in the fall, this book offers better explanations of what makes guys tick and what ticks them off. It should be a crime for the things of God to bore anyone, and David is a first-rate crime stopper for the spirits of the male species.”
—ANITA RENFROE
Comedian and author of The Purse Driven Life
“And where are the men? David Murrow asks why so many good men do not fit the molds and patterns offered by the contemporary church. So should we, if we are to proclaim the gospel in its fullness.”
—DAVID DOBLER
Former moderator, Presbyterian Church (USA)
WHY MEN
HATE
GOING TO
CHURCH
COMPLETELY REVISED AND UPDATED
DAVID MURROW
© 2005, 2011 by David Murrow
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.
Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.
This book is adapted from material from Why Men Hate Going to Church (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2005), How Women Help Men Find God (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2008), and other sources.
Unless otherwise marked, Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked CEV are taken from the Contemporary English Version. © 1991 by the American Bible Society. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible. Public d
Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Murrow, David.
Why men hate going to church / David Murrow. — Completely rev. and updated.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references (Notes).
ISBN 978-0-7852-3215-5 (trade paper)
1. Christian men—Religious life. 2. Church work with men. 3. Church attendance. I. Title.
BV639.M4M67 2011
277.3'083081—dc23
2011033356
Printed in the United States of America
11 12 13 14 15 QG 5 4 3 2 1
CONTENTS
Introduction
PART 1: WHERE ARE THE MEN?
1. Perfectly Designed
2. Yes, There Really Is a Gender Gap
3. Men: Who Needs ’Em?
4. Who Are the Missing Men?
5. The Masculinity Bank
6. The Two Jesuses
PART 2: CHURCH CULTURE VS. MAN CULTURE
7. Victoria’s Secret . . . When We Lost the Men
8. The Christian-Industrial Complex
9. Men and Contemporary Worship
10. Twelve Things Men Fear About Church
11. The Stars vs. the Scrubs
12. Check Your Testosterone at the Door
13. How Churches Feminize over Time
14. How Churches Drive Boys Away from the Faith
PART 3: CALLING THE CHURCH BACK TO MEN
15. The Battle to Reengage Men
16. Why Megachurches Are Mega
17. Pastors and Men
18. Teaching and Men
19. Getting the Big Story Right
20. What About Women?
21. Young Men and Faith
22. Men, Prayer, and a Few Other Things
23. How Men Minister to Others
24. How to Minister to Men
25. A Church for Everyone
Notes
About the Author
INTRODUCTION
APRIL 27, 2007, I WAS THE KEYNOTE SPEAKER FOR THE PRESBYTERIAN Church (USA) Men’s Churchwide Gathering in Louisville, Kentucky. I had been invited to speak about my new book, Why Men Hate Going to Church.
I was hoping for a good crowd. The PCUSA, though in decline, still had more than 2.6 million members. More than three thousand Presbyterian women had just wrapped up their gathering in Louisville.
I arrived the morning of April 27 and walked down to the banquet hall where I was to speak. I entered the room and did a double take. It was tiny, with seating for fewer than one hundred. I checked the sign on the door: “2007 Presbyterian Men’s Churchwide Gathering.” I was in the right place.
Final score: Presbyterian women: 3,000+. Presbyterian men: 88.
You are reading a revised version of Why Men Hate Going to Church. I agreed to update the book because it’s needed now more than ever. The percentage of men participating in church grows smaller each year. The typical US worship service draws an adult crowd that’s 61 percent women. Church volunteers and employees are still overwhelmingly female. Major national men’s ministries such as Promise Keepers used to pack stadiums—but now have trouble filling church auditoriums. Ethnic and overseas churches report gender gaps as high as 10 to 1. Christian colleges are becoming convents.
New research reveals the importance of men to congregational vitality and growth. Almost without exception, growing churches draw healthy numbers of men, while declining congregations lack male presence and participation.
But even as men retreat, signs of hope abound. Since I wrote the original version of this book, I’ve discovered a number of congregations that have shifted to a more intentional focus on men—and are prospering as a result. A few seminaries have finally begun addressing the issue of missing and passive males. Songwriters are once again composing with men in mind. And innovative ministry to men is sprouting in the most unexpected places.
Even if you are not a Christian, you have a dog in this fight. Religion is not going to disappear. Men will always seek God. The only question is, which God will they seek? A God of love and peace, or a God of hatred and violence? It’s no coincidence that the nations in which Christianity was the freely chosen religion of men are also bastions of tolerance, charity, and political stability. And abundant research spotlights the many benefits that accrue to society and families as men engage in a local congregation.
This revision is a mashup of content from the original Why Men Hate Going to Church, along with newer sections plucked from How Women Help Men Find God, The Map, and other books and articles I’ve written. So if you read paragraphs that sound familiar, you may have seen them on my websites or in another one of my books. My publisher assured me that it was okay to plagiarize myself.
Also, I’ve trimmed this revision down to fighting weight. Why Men was my first book, and I didn’t know if there was going to be another one. So I packed it with too much verbiage and a few rabbit trails. I’ve completely reorganized this new edition, adding the latest findings and examples from churches that are turning the tide. And I’ve created the most requested feature—a chapter-by-chapter group discussion guide. The guide is available free from my website: www.churchformen.com/guides.
I will be focusing on the practical instead of the spiritual in this book. This may come as a shock to some. I’m not saying that spiritual practices such as prayer, Bible reading, and preaching are unimportant. In fact, if God is moving in a congregation, nothing else matters much.
But we tend to ignore the practical. And it matters more than we realize. Let me illustrate.
In the early 1800s, two missionaries sailed from England for the jungles of Africa. The first missionary built an English-style church, preached in English, and imposed an English-style dress code on his African congregation. The second missionary built a church that resembled a local gathering house. He preached in the native language and allowed people to dress as they pleased.
I don’t have to tell you which man met with greater success.
Both men were powerful preachers. Both were men of prayer. Both presented the gospel every week. Yet the second missionary reached many more people because he got the practical things right. He did not modify the gospel; he simply presented it in a way his hearers understood.
Men are the world’s largest unreached people group. Men have a unique culture, language, and way of life. They respond differently than women. If you doubt this, simply watch the TV commercials on a men’s sporting event. Then click over and watch the commercials on a women’s soap opera. The ads are completely different—as if they’re targeting two separate species.
Jesus called his followers to be fishers of men. My job is to show you how to get men into the net (the local church)—and keep them from jumping back into the sea. Once they’re in the net, the spiritual takes precedence. Fair enough?
Seven things you will not find in this book:
1. BLAME. When the first edition of this book arrived, some condemned it for “blaming women.” I thought I had been very clear, but this time let me be crystal clear: women are not to blame for the gender gap. Neither are men. Or pastors. Honestly, who cares? The purpose of this book is to illuminate the problem and seek solutions. Period.
2. “SUBMIT TO ME, WOMAN.” This book is not about subjugating women or stripping them of their rights. The goal is not male dominance but male resurgence.
