This Changes Everything, page 16
He was a mistake. That’s all he was to her. Didn’t she say she liked making them? That she learned from them? And his love didn’t matter. It never had and never would. He’d known she’d loved Marshall for years. He was foolish to think that a couple weeks could change that. That’s why she’d sent him a text mentioning her lawyer and saying nothing about his note. She wanted to work with him, he was useful to her that way. Just as he’d been useful to his mother and her daycare.
He returned to Karen’s office to see if what he’d seen had been as bad as he thought.
He saw Marshall get down on one knee.
He felt his throat tighten as he saw the joy on her face.
This was who she loved.
This was who she’d always love.
Chapter 36
Marry him? Marshall wanted her to marry him?
Karen looked down at him, he really was a beautiful man, and then at the ring he held in his other hand.
The one she’d thought was going to be hers. Now it could be. He hadn’t known how she’d felt about him all these years because she’d never told him. He hadn’t meant to hurt her that night, he hadn’t known his heart.
Now his heart was hers.
Now she could feel the weight of his ring slipping on her finger.
Then why did she keep her hand to her side? Why hadn’t she said ‘yes’ yet?
Marshall frowned. “Karen?”
She’d dreamed of this moment and still loved him, but... Was she accepting this too freely because she’d wanted it so much for so long? “You’re only saying this because Violet turned you down—”
Marshall shook his head. “No, I was wrong when I asked her. You’ve been the only woman I loved. I didn’t realize until it was almost too late. When she turned me down I was actually relieved. There’s no one else in the world for me, but you.”
Yes, yes, those were the words she’d always wanted to hear…why didn’t she rush into his arms?
Because of Joshua.
Marshall scrambled to his feet. “What’s wrong?”
She rubbed her forehead. Her relationship with Joshua was still so new. What if he didn’t want to stay with her long-term? What if it was just a relationship to help him get over a breakup? What if she missed her chance to be with someone who truly cared about her and wanted to stay by her side? “This is all so sudden.”
He rested a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I know and I don’t want to pressure you.”
Even though his touch was light, it felt like a weight. “I’m seeing someone.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “You weren’t seeing someone a couple weeks ago.”
“It happened recently.”
“Then it can’t be serious. He’ll understand. A few weeks can’t replace years of knowing someone.”
Maybe, but somehow she felt as if she’d known Joshua all her life. Being with him had been so easy. She never felt awkward or inferior with him or…
“Karen, I know you need time to breakup with him gently. You have a soft heart. That’s the kind of woman you are and that’s what I love about you. But don’t make me wait too long.”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
He kissed her and whispered, “I love you,” against her lips and she nodded, surprised she hadn’t repeated the same words, although she’d told herself she had thousands of times.
She left her office in a daze.
Marshall was right. How could she throw away years of knowing and loving someone for a few weeks of fun? She grabbed her lunch bag from the break room then paused as she remembered the smile on Joshua’s face as he handed her the bag. He was a wonderful man. She didn’t want to break up with him.
But Joshua didn’t love her. Joshua didn’t declare how he wanted to spend his life with her. Marshall did.
She grabbed her things from her office and headed for her car.
But what would she say to Joshua? He’d already had a breakup with his girlfriend. They knew they were only having fun. He’d understand that it wasn’t going to be permanent, right? It was better to cut it off now.
And they could still work together. He was as eager about embarking on a new business venture as she was. He could build something for his daughter, create a work schedule that didn’t keep him away from her. That would soften the blow, right? They were adults, they’d be mature about this.
But he wasn’t there when she got home. He’d left her a note that said, “Something came up had to head home.”
What did that mean? Was Olivia okay? Was he?
She quickly texted him and he replied that he was fine and would see her in the office next week. She put her phone away disappointed that she wouldn’t get to see them on New Year’s Eve.
She sat on her couch wondering why she suddenly felt so alone. Marshall wanted to marry her. Her project with Joshua was going well. The business was successful. Why did she feel like crying? Why did she miss the sight of Olivia crawling across the floor or Joshua grinning at her over his laptop?
Why did the thought of not seeing him and Olivia in the morning make her feel empty?
How come she’d grown so used to them?
She shook her head. It was because they’d spent such a wonderful holiday together. It had been almost magical. She walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge and saw a round glass container with a note saying ‘dinner’ and another saying ‘lunch’ which made her smile. He took such good care of her.
She reheated the dish and sat in her kitchen wondering why her eyes stung with tears. The lime chicken was so good.
It made her feel warm inside and it hurt too. She pushed the half eaten food away and sat back.
Then gasp as a realization hit her.
She knew why she felt sad, empty, alone.
She no longer loved Marshall.
She loved Joshua.
Joshua was the reason why everything in the world seemed brighter, why she felt renewed and energetic. He was the reason why the business felt interesting again. He felt like a true partner, someone she could turn to. She felt less stressed, less alone as if she wasn’t carrying everything on her shoulders. He made everything seem possible.
And Olivia too. Even though Karen was far from perfect with her, Joshua never made her feel bad. Even when she’d once put Olivia’s diaper on wrong, or put her chubby arm in the wrong armhole of her shirt, the baby hadn’t fussed and neither had he. They didn’t mind her imperfections; they made her feel part of a family. A family that would stand by her.
She had to tell him. She took out her cell phone then stopped. She didn’t want to distract him if the emergency was important. She’d tell him when he came into work. No after work.
Turning Marshall down would be a little tricky but he’d understand.
Chapter 37
Karen stared at the letter of resignation stunned. This was not how she’d expected to start the new year.
“What do you mean by this?” She shook the letter Joshua had handed to her.
“It’s my two weeks’ notice.”
She stood and closed her office door before returning to her seat. “No, you’re doing this wrong. You don’t need to resign until another few months. We still haven’t finalized our business plan and there are contracts to sign—”
“I know all that.”
“Then I don’t understand. I thought you liked working here.”
He sighed. “Don’t make this hard for me.”
Hard for him? Did he realize he was breaking her heart? She doesn’t see him for days. Doesn’t hear a word from him and he comes into her office with a letter of resignation? That fierce look in his eyes? What had she missed? What hadn’t he told her?
“Is it because of the project we were going to show Marshall? Do you feel burdened or stressed by it? Do you want me to—”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Is it Olivia? You said you had an emergency—”
“She’s fine.” He bit his lip and she saw him grip his hand into a fist. “Considering how I feel I don’t think it’s right.”
How he felt? She came from behind the desk and rested a light hand on his chest, making her voice gentle. Didn’t he know that she’d stand up for him? That they were a team. “Has Marshall said something to you again? I will talk to him—”
He winced at her touch as if she’d wounded him and took a step back. “Please don’t pretend that it doesn’t matter,” he said in a deep, raw voice. “It may not matter to you, but it does to me. To be honest, even two weeks is more than I can stand, but I owe you that much.”
Owe her? What was supposed to matter? Why was working with her too much to stand? Before she could argue he said, “I’ve got another opportunity I want to take so it’s time for me to go. This is the best for both of us.”
He was leaving. She gripped the letter in her hand. He was leaving her. Leaving her without a real explanation just as her father had. She was glad she hadn’t told him about her feelings. He didn't feel the same. He would go and live another life without her.
She steeled herself against tears. She hadn’t tried to make her father stay and she wouldn’t try to make Joshua stay either. If all that she’d done wasn’t enough, then nothing was.
“I’m thankful for all that you’ve done for me,” he said.
She nodded feeling as stiff as a wooden doll. His words were so formal and polite one would have thought he wasn’t the man who’d kissed her and tasted like peppermint icing; who’d laughed with her over peppermint candy canes. Who’d held her in his arms as if she belonged there. No, this cold distant stranger was a different man. “Sure. Wherever you land they’ll be lucky to have you.”
He nodded then turned and walked out the door.
She didn’t watch him leave. She’d never watch a man walk out of her life again. Instead she shoved his letter in her desk drawer, focused on her laptop screen and pretended that she didn’t care. She didn’t need him. With Marshall as her husband she wouldn’t need to start another business either. They’d get over their differences. She’d find another engineer to replace him. Joshua didn’t love her, but there was someone else who did.
Marshall.
Marshall had stood by her. He wouldn’t leave her. She had loved him once and could restore those feelings back in her heart again. She’d been foolish to so casually toss her love aside. She’d believed that Joshua truly believed in her and cared about her. But he planned to leave.
She’d let him go.
Chapter 38
Marshall almost whooped for joy. Akibu was leaving. He had finally won! But Karen looked so crestfallen as she stood in front of his desk with Akibu’s resignation in her hand that he couldn’t let his feelings show.
“Did he give a reason?” he asked her.
She shrugged. “Not really. Another opportunity and such.”
“Sounds about right. Don’t let it bother you. He wasn’t a good match for us.”
“He was perfect.”
He didn’t like how she said that statement. How depressed she looked. He smoothed down the new tailored shirt he’d bought. Time to get her focused on what was important. “Have you thought about what I said?”
“What you said?”
He winced. She’d forgotten already? If he hadn’t been so happy he would have been insulted. “My proposal.”
“Right,” she said in a hollow voice.
“So?” He pressed when she fell silent. “Will you marry me?”
He didn’t like how she hesitated; he didn’t like how she shifted her gaze from his face to stare at her hands. But he did like when she lifted her gaze and said almost in defiance, “Yes.”
“You cannot marry Marshall,” Trisha told Karen after work. They sat in the café with two cappuccinos and butter croissants.
“Why not? He wants to marry me and...” She let her words drift away.
“And you love him.” When Karen didn’t reply, Trisha said, “Right?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters. Wait...what’s gotten into you? You’d usually fight me more about this. You’d tell me how wonderful Marshall is. How this is what you’d always dreamed of.”
She sighed, feeling listless. “I know.”
“What’s wrong?”
Nothing that she wanted to tell her friend. Trisha didn’t know about her relationship with Joshua. She didn’t want her to pity her. Why did she seem to fall in love with men who didn’t love her back? “I’ve got to go. I'll call you later.”
She didn’t remember much else after that. She didn’t remember how the diamond ring got on her finger, whether Marshall slid it on or if she’d placed it on herself. She didn’t remember if they kissed or hugged. She remembered he whispered something in her ear, but she couldn’t recall the words.
She didn’t even remember how she got home or ended up standing in the doorway of Joshua’s now empty room. She didn’t know why she was there. Shouldn’t she be calling her mother? She was getting married to Marshall. This was her dream.
Instead she sat on the side of the bed and ran her hand over the soft bedcover; she stared at the crib and wondered if she should send it to his place.
She toyed with the ring on her finger, it really was beautiful. Just as beautiful as when he’d shown it to her the first time.
Where was the feeling of triumph? She pounded her fist against the bed. Damn Joshua for confusing her. He’d stolen this moment from her. Why had he made her care? Selfish bastard.
She told herself she wouldn’t let him steal any more time from her, but as she made this promise to herself she lay down on the bed. His scent was still on the pillow.
She was happy, she told herself, as a wave of tears started to build in her eyes.
So very happy. She didn’t need him. She’d gotten all that she’d ever wanted. She'd never forgive him for leaving. After all she’d done for him? Why hadn’t it been enough? But she didn’t care. She buried her face in his pillow and for a moment let her body shake with the weight of her sorrow. She let the tears burn her eyes, the sadness gripping her throat making her sobs silent.
Silent screams.
Silent screams of pain that could find no solace.
She soon fell asleep and when she opened her eyes the evening night cloaked the room in darkness the only light came from the faint lights of the Christmas tree illuminating the hallway, which came on by a timer.
Karen sat up and wiped her face. Joshua and Olivia were gone. Just as she had done when she’d watched her father drive away she would move on. She’d get her life back and never let herself be that vulnerable again. She glanced at the ring on her finger. Even Marshall could leave her one day either through death or for a reason she’d never understand. To her surprise the thought didn’t bother her. She felt numb to the possibility. All that mattered was now. He loved her now. She’d accept that.
She stood, making a mental note of the items she would have shipped to Joshua’s place. She was angry with the man but the child hadn’t done anything to her and these items were meant to be used. She’d write him a note in case he protested. She walked over to the desk and noticed a large yellow writing pad and pen. She lifted it up and started to write then stopped when she saw the imprint of writing. She ran her hand over it. The imprint was deep and there were a lot of words. She frowned and picked up a pencil curious to reveal what had been written. Was this Joshua’s listing of possible companies to work for? An idea for one of their competitors? She scratched the pencil over the imprints until the writing became clear.
Karen,
I can’t take it anymore. I can’t pretend to ignore how I feel.
Wait. She’d heard those words before. She read more and her heart began to pound as she recognized every word.
Every blessed, beautiful, wonderful word.
This was almost the same speech Marshall had said when he proposed to her. What did this mean? Why had Joshua written Marshall’s speech? Had he coached Marshall? Why? There had been some changes but it was too similar to be a coincidence. Was her heart just a game to him? He knew how she felt about Marshall. Had he felt so sorry for her that he’d... She stopped when she remembered the look on Joshua’s face when she mentioned Marshall’s name. He hadn’t been angry, he’d been hurt. Why hurt? And Marshall had been very happy to see Joshua leave. Too happy.
She held the writing pad to her chest, feeling breathless.
Don’t make this harder for me. She remembered Joshua saying that to her as if she were causing him pain.
Joshua had left her. But for the first time she wouldn’t stay silent, she would find out why.
Chapter 39
He never imagined her being cruel. Joshua climbed his apartment stairs thinking about Karen’s face. She’d been truly surprised by his resignation. She’d expected him to stay. Had he really misjudged her that much? Was he really just another way to make money for her? But it was over. He no longer had to pretend. Today, he’d left Olivia with a caretaker he’d hired. He’d call the case worker by the fifth, hand her over and then start afresh.
He’d live his life the way he’d designed it. A life where no one needed him. No one depended on him. No one shook his heart.
He walked to his apartment then stopped when he saw a slender black woman in a peach overcoat, standing outside the door. He silently swore, when she turned and saw him.
The last person he needed to see today was her. Randall’s sister.
“I was in the neighborhood,” she said by way of greeting.
He nodded and opened the door.
The caretaker stood when she saw him. He paid her before he picked Olivia up and kissed her on the forehead out of habit. He quickly set her back down after he realized what he’d done.
“I didn’t know you had a baby,” Melanie said.
