A Girl Named Elise, page 17
We arrived at quarter-to-one in the end and as we parked up, Jenny and I clambered out of the car hastily to find Elise. We asked at the reception where in the hospital she was. After a few moments we were told the fourth floor, ward sixteen, bed twenty. The elevator was about fifty metres down the hall to the right so Jenny and I hurriedly walked there and spammed the buttons repeatedly out of anticipation.
The elevator took an eternity to eventually arrive at the fourth floor because on the second, it was required to stop for a family of three that went up a single floor. To me that always seemed slightly pointless. Why do people use elevators for only one floor? I guess there might have been a walking difficulty reason behind it but I guess that’s not for my judgement. Anyhow, we eventually arrived on the fourth floor before taking another minute and a half to find Elise’s room.
“You ready?” Jenny asked for the second time that day.
I swear that was just a common phrase with everyone around me, constantly wanting to know if everyone is okay. That was beside the point though. I nodded, drawing in a deep breath, creating confidence with every ounce of oxygen I inhaled.
The moment we entered Elise’s room, everyone inside turned silent. People were covered up from the cold and it almost looked like a funeral was taking place with Elise in the centre on her white hospital bed. Her parents were to one side and several doctors at the foot of her bed.
“Olly!” Elise cried. “Oh my God, I’m so glad you’re here!”
She covered her mouth with her hand to cover her evident smiling.
“Can we have a moment please?” her mother asked.
“But…” one of the doctors began before Elise’s father interrupted.
“Only a couple of minutes… please?”
One of the female doctors nodded to the rest and the three of them walked out the room silently and closed the door.
“Hey,” I said quietly looking into the eyes of Elise. “Am I late?”
Elise’s parents then decided to follow the same way as the doctors.
“Nearly,” Elise whispered. “I was wrong.”
“About?” I asked as I sat on the chair beside her.
“We don’t have an hour… they want to take me now.”
She took my hand as a tear began crawling down her cheek.
“I wouldn’t let them take me though!” She laughed behind the sobs. “You needed to be here with me.”
“Stubborn, aren’t you?”
Jenny laughed.
Elise cracked a huge smile and laughed too.
“I wouldn’t have you any other way!”
I smiled as I moved in and kissed her softly.
It only lasted a moment before I suddenly realised what I had done. Even though we had reconciled the previous day completely, I still felt guilty with everything going on.
“Sorry,” I said quickly.
“Shut up,” she replied and pulled me to her lips once more.
It was a moment of pure perfection, the eye of the storm that was currently our lives. It’s extremely hard to describe the sensation of that kiss if I’m honest. All I can really say is that it felt absolutely f*****g spectacular. If a firework display was igniting my heart’s emotions, then it still wouldn’t be enough to overthrow the emotions of that kiss.
“Wow,” I whispered as the kiss ended.
“Wow,” Elise echoed.
“Wow,” Jenny said sarcastically.
Elise and I looked up at her and together we all laughed. Then the door knocked.
“Damn,” Jenny said as the doctors walked in.
“I’m sorry,” the female one said, “we have to go in now.”
“Oh,” Elise said as she gripped my hand tightly.
“It’s going to be okay.”
I smiled at her.
I was trying to comfort the pair of us equally but my fear and anxiety was getting the better of me. I began stroking her hand as more people filed into the room. The doctors began to wheel her bed around towards the door and I walked with her to the door.
“I’ll be here when you get back,” I said desperately.
“You better be,” she said anxiously.
“Olly?”
“Yes?” I asked as our hands parted.
“I do love you,” she said so quietly I struggled to hear.
I backed against the wall from the shock and suddenness of her words.
“Jenny?” Elise called from down the hall.
Without a word, Jenny suddenly ran out of the room to catch up with Elise. She was gone for about a minute while I stayed still against my wall. She did really say it. Finally. After so many days and weeks of her refusing to say anything remotely close to it, she finally said it.
Well damn, the memory has made my mind go fuzzy even now. Great, well now I’m going to struggle for the next part…
Eventually Jenny came back and we sat together for an hour. I asked her about what Elise wanted but she simply shuffled her hand in her pocket slightly before replying that she was just forced to keep me busy in the hours to come. She did as she said though as we decided to go for a walk in the field opposite the hospital and then lunch at the local cafe. It was a strange feeling acting normal despite knowing that Elise’s head was being operated on. I kept imagining her head being opened by a surgeon but the food in my stomach often begged me to stop my mind from wondering or face the gruesome repercussions. Jenny and I were back inside the room when there was a sudden amount of commotion outside in the waiting area.
“What are you talking about?” a woman shouted.
“No! Don’t you dare say that!”
There was a moment of silence and then the woman, now recognisable as Elise’s mother, shouted again.
“Shut up! No!”
There was another moment of silence before she burst into the room with tears streaming down her face. Jenny and I looked up at her and she down at us. Our eyes met briefly before she broke down and ran from the room crying. I got up and walked out of the room. All around there were people talking and an evidential atmosphere of shock and sadness. All my emotional mind would allow was confusion. It was overwhelming with the constant barrage of emotions and noise, some distressed and some angry.
“I’m so sorry,” a male doctor told Elise’s father.
“Stop,” he replied.
The doctor apologised again before walking off. Her father was silent. He was looking down at his hands and had a foot tapping. I recognised the tapping… it’s the same I have when I get nervous or upset. Something had happened. My mother was beside him in silence. She looked up at us and stood up from a chair in the hallway.
“Olly,” she said too kindly.
I stood and stared at her. Something was wrong. Something had happened. Jenny grabbed my hand and was shaking her head slowly muttering the word No.
“No, no, no,” she whispered over and over again.
“Olly,” my mother repeated. “Something… something has happened.”
“No,” Jenny gasped and pulled me into a hug.
I remained still and silent, petrified by the whirlwind of emotions from those around me.
“Elise,” my mother stuttered. “Sh-she’s gone.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
So now we reach the penultimate chapter. By now you would all know – unless for some unknown reason you skipped forward to this exact chapter – that Elise is gone – apologies to those that for some reason skipped forward, it is your own fault. Fragmented memories of the weeks that followed have stayed lodged into my mind since that afternoon and has never been forgotten or defaced. When I say fragmented though, I blacked out a fair number of times and awoke hours later in a random place I wouldn’t recognise at first. This was a regular occurrence the first couple of days. It even happened a few minutes after the news that Elise had passed away was broken.
“Olly?” a voice called as I struggled to open my eyes.
My senses were finally coming back to life after God knows how long. There was a small breeze hitting my body and a single bird in front of my body was whistling a joyous tune. I felt my hands rub against multiple things that were wet and flexible. Upon scrunching my hands into a fist, I discovered that the things were in fact blades of grass and I had pulled a small chunk out in my attempt to communicate with my hands. They were strangely comforting with the bird singing and I pictured a meadow at sunrise, the dew freshly sprinkled over the plantation.
“Stay still,” the voice said calmly.
I then realised that my clothes had become wet and water, rain or tears had dampened my face and body. My body shivered at this realisation yet I still struggled to move. I could feel my feet though. They were wet and cold and moved almost completely freely. I flexed my feet and I could feel the cool breeze in-between each of my toes. I wondered where my shoes had gone. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal except my sight. My eyelids weighed heavy like lead and they seemed to have been locking down my memories of where I was and what had happened.
Suddenly my body began to rise and two supports embedded themselves at intervals on my back. My neck lulled momentarily from the sudden movement but within seconds was able to support itself. Then my eyes began rolling around in their sockets, grasping for life.
Sure enough, with a stupid amount of effort they opened.
As my vision focused, I realised that I was sitting on a patch of grass in a park. There were a couple of trees around me and one directly to the left of me. The bird above continued to sing its merry song as several light rain drops fell through the trees canopy onto my head. I felt refreshed with every drop that landed on me.
“Are you okay?” the person asked.
It was a woman that had asked and as I turned, I saw it was my mother. I wasn’t sure on how to react. Somewhere inside my head I guess I presumed it would have been Jenny. She seemed concerned but I gave her a small smile.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I…” I began. “I needed to go for a walk… then felt tired so I slept.”
My voice wavered as I responded and for good reason. What I had just stated was a flat out lie. I couldn’t actually remember what had happened or why I was where I was or even how I got there. The last thing I remembered was being told the news.
That was it. The sudden remembrance of my loss hit me like a freight train and crumpled me into a ball. My mother kept me upright but I curled up tight and fought back the overwhelming emotions threatening to push me into oblivion again. I could feel the darkness coming again. It was stalking me now. Never leaving me along. I knew it would never stop till it had me in its grasp.
“Home,” I managed to croak.
“Okay, okay,” she said quickly. “Can you stand?”
“I’ll help,” a secondary voice spoke out.
That second voice belonged to Jenny as you probably have guessed. It sounded different somehow though. It sounded as if her joy had been sucked from her life-force and she was struggling to even speak, let alone convey much emotion.
Together we managed to eventually reach the car. I had walked out of the hospital and across the road to the large park that acted like a huge garden. I hadn’t gone far I admit, but it was still enough for me to become scared it might happen again but worse. No one mentioned Elise in the car, nor on the way home. Actually, now that I think of it… no one mentioned Elise for the rest of that day. Everyone knew the pain it was causing the other so I guess it was just simpler to let it lie to rest for the time being. The gushing wound was still fresh and any more trauma could prove fatal. I didn’t black out again that day or that night. I did however become blank of all emotions. I ate nothing, said nothing and only responded to anything with a slight grunt if I could muster the energy to do so. We dropped Jenny at home where her mother was waiting. I watched them embrace and Jenny break down in her arms before her mother escorted her inside. I on the other hand went straight up to my room with no interaction with anyone and stayed wrapped up in my bed tightly. I didn’t sleep nor move, just stared at the wall with memories and emotions that should’ve been affecting me, flashed from my eyes like a projector in front of me like a movie that would never end.
I can’t be certain how long I slept that night or if I even slept at all. In the morning I was still blankly staring at the wall when my mother mentioned something about school. I was in demo mode – automatic, with no function other than the basic movement – while getting ready, but by the time I was, I was ten minutes early from when Jenny would normally arrive.
Sitting on the stairs I contemplated what to do. On one hand I really wanted to see Jenny and have her tell me that I’m fine, that the black out and my fears were only in my head. But the only trouble was that my body wouldn’t communicate with my mind. Instead, I got up, walked out the door and continued walking. One foot in front of the other till my head went black again.
It might have been an hour or it might have been three. The next thing I knew was that I was laying on a grass bank with my left arm out stretched to someone that wasn’t there. I looked slowly towards where my arm was outstretched and then around at my surroundings. I got emotionally stressed as soon as I realised where I was.
I imagined Elise coughing in my arms at night as we relaxed by the river. It was such a beautiful night and now all that was left was pain. I curled up into a ball and began sobbing her name. My mask of anonymity had vanished and was a petrified child screaming for someone that would never come.
It hurt. I was there for hours, unable to move from my foetal position. The only thing that snapped me away from my misery and distress was the sight of a school kid walking past me. I had stayed there all day until school had ended.
Knowing I would be in huge trouble, I rolled onto my front and attempted to climb to my feet. It took me seven attempts to stand properly without falling over and it didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten in over twenty-four hours. Staggering home I took one half of a sandwich I had instinctively made for lunch out of my now muddy rucksack and nibbled on the soft bread. I couldn’t handle much of it and was even sick after the third bite – I continued to attempt to eat after the small amount of orange vomit had ended – but continued until all that was left was the crust.
The walk home was slow and numb. Even when I arrived home it turned into a repeat of the day before. No food, no communication, and the only movement I made from my bed was to use the toilet. I did place some quiet music on though as a distraction from the nothingness, but that was the most I could achieve. The school hadn’t contacted my parents about my absence luckily so I decide that I needed another day like today. Turn my brain off and find where I was later. This continued for another two days until I returned home and the school had reported my attendance. I had at least began eating a little by that time, but not enough to keep me from losing weight.
I can’t – won’t – describe the anger my mother expressed during that argument. Well, it wasn’t even an argument. It was more just an expression of rage. She shouted and shouted at me for longer than I care to admit to myself. All I could do was remain silent and contain my fears and anxiety that I desperately wanted to take out on myself. I was in that mess because of my stupid mistakes. I broke my heart. I did everything. It was all my fault and I wanted it all to end.
I ran outside and screamed at everything. My voice echoed around the houses and I sprinted to the park. I reached it in a few seconds but there were still kids playing. I swore so loud and violently. I wanted to tear those kids in half if it meant I could be alone. Instead, I ran across the field until I found a thick tree that I climbed and curled up in. My fists soon turned bloody and my skin red raw from my punches to the bark and scratching to my skin. I screamed louder than ever. That was the final sound I made for the rest of the evening.
It began to get dark quickly and as the moon shone over the field, I saw my family walking into the park. They started calling my name but I didn’t answer. Instead, I climbed higher and higher until no one would be able to see me from the ground. They took half an hour to give up on me and returned home. They were close when they gave up and I heard my sister say something to me.
“Come home, Olly,” she said hoping I was listening.
Of course, I had heard her but I waited for them to leave my field of view before I even considered moving. I was exhausted. Every emotion had been drained from me but I had to move. I had to reach our spot by midnight. I had to. Nothing else made sense to me now that everything had turned into a complete mess.
I had spent the past few hours completely still and when I attempted to climb down from my tree, one branch down was enough for me to collapse. I fell fast and hard. I guess it was actually a good thing my body had become numb because otherwise my fall might have hurt a fair bit. Instead, I just got wet from the grass. I can’t quite remember how long I stayed sprawled on ground but it was enough for the wetness of the ground to seep through to my skin.
Climbing to my feet felt like climbing Everest and like some people attempt at that, I failed several times before I reached the summit. I had stumbled and grazed my right cheek on my first attempt at rising to my feet and even once I was erect, I still couldn’t walk in a straight line. It may have taken me ten minutes or an hour to reach the gate of the park but when I eventually did, I was only focused on one thing. I had to climb my tower to reach utopia. My hands turned to ice as I grasped the gate. It was a strange feeling as I didn’t feel cold. My fingers had become stiff and purple but I just stared at them with dull amusement. When I next looked up from my fingers, I was at the base of the slide standing still at the daunting climb ahead of me. I presume my body had automatically decided it was easier climbing up a damp metal slide then vertically up a rope ladder.
I know you probably would have enjoyed my slithering up the slide but unfortunately for you and myself I blacked out again. Believe me it almost definitely would have made this chapter a bit more light hearted and I wish I could but, as I said, I blacked out and the next thing I knew I was staring at the starlit sky crying and mumbling the same words over and over.
