My Happy Ending Part 2, page 11
My eyes slid shut before I opened them again, blinking back tears. “I’m... I’m sorry,” I finally said, and I swear I almost heard a sob from him, but I couldn’t move. “I’m so sorry. I just... I just assumed, and... don’t. Don’t say it.”
“Take all my fun away,” he said softly, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“I...” I took in another deep breath, “I’m being serious, you know.”
“I know.”
Luckily, he’d moved away, back closer to the desk. I was so close to just melting into his arms, and not for any other reason than to just cry. I could just see that, in all of its awkwardness. My eyes followed him as he sat behind that desk, shuffling through the photographs.
“I... I can come back some...”
“No... no...” He looked up, his eyes still so sad, so troubled as he said one little word that brought back so many memories... “Stay.”
I wondered if he felt it too, that shiver as a memory flows through you.
I nodded, walking over to one of the chairs in front of his desk, sinking down into it. I glanced at the photos, my fingertips gently touching my lips as I realized what they were.
“Jaden took these,” I said with wonder, seeing the photos for the first time. They’d been taken just this past April, and the kids... oh, they’d changed so much, even since then.
“You haven’t seen them?” he asked, and I shook my head ‘no’. For a moment it looked as if he were going to just hand the stack to me, but instead he stood, walking around to sit in the chair beside mine. He smiled warmly as he looked down at the first one. “I can’t believe how much they’ve grown,” he said, handing it to me. It was an 8 x 10 print of the three of them, Emily in the middle and holding on to Elizabeth’s and Michael’s hands, all three of them looking off in the distance, to the side of the camera.
“She wasn’t even walking then,” I commented, suddenly remembering what it was they were looking at. I smiled up at Jase, remembering the goofy faces he’d been making, and how they all looked at him like he was on crack.
“Yeah, she... what?” he asked, catching my expression. I shrugged it off, looking at the next on in his stack. It was one of Michael looking down at the ground, pouting.
“Oh, I love this,” I said, picking the picture up to take a closer look. “He looks so much like you.”
“I don’t stick my lip out like that.”
“You did when you were little; I’ve seen the proof.” I smiled over at him, the smile fading as our eyes met, our earlier words spoken in anger still hanging in the air between us.
“I shouldn’t have given you any grief over Paul,” he said, and I felt a little piece of my heart die. “I don’t have the right to.”
I didn’t say whether he was right or wrong, I only nodded. My hands were trembling slightly as he handed the next photograph to me, and I smiled wistfully. Elizabeth was looking up towards the sky, the wind catching her hair and pushing it in her beautiful face. There was something so real about it, so innocent, and yet she looked sad.
Just like Jase looked now.
“I shouldn’t have brought her up," I said softly. "Again, you know. I... well, it’s an easy out, something to point my finger at whenever... whenever something goes wrong.”
He didn’t look at me, he just kept staring at that picture of Elizabeth as I continued.
“But she wasn’t the only problem. She wasn’t even the start of it.” I couldn’t even believe the words had left my lips as I admitted it to him, out loud, for the first time.
“What was it, then?” he asked suddenly as he raised his eyes to mine. “What started it?”
I wish I had an answer for him. I wish I could tell him it was the drinking, or the yelling. I wish I could tell him it was the ignoring each other, or when he gave up on me. Truth is...
“I don’t know.”
And in the silence that followed, I stared into his eyes searching for something, anything that would give me the answer. But all I saw was the overwhelming sadness and guilt, the same feelings I had been dealing with.
Emily’s crinkling diaper broke the spell as she ran into the room, giggling, playful, her curls bouncing on top of her head. I held out my hands to her, rather surprised when she bypassed me completely, burying her face in Jase’s side.
“Hey.”
“Don’t feel slighted, Mommy,” he said a bit playfully. “You don’t do... this.” He hoisted her up, flipping her upside down easily as she squealed with delight.
“Oh god, be careful!” I exclaimed, placing the photos on the desk and moving my hands beneath her quickly.
“We’re always careful,” he replied, standing up and holding onto her by her ankles. “You ready?”
“No!” I exclaimed.
“I wasn’t asking you. Are you ready, Princess?”
Emily squealed once again as he began to swing her.
“Jase, quit!”
“Quit being such a party pooper. One...two...”
“Jase, what if she gets...”
“Three!” he said, setting her down on the sofa a lot easier than I expected, but immediately tickling her tummy, her laughter loud as he did so.
“Oh, you’re going to be the death of me,” I muttered, sinking back into the chair.
“Me next! Me next!” Michael was running into the room, his cheeks flushed with excitement, his big sister right behind him.
“And then me!” she added. “Oh, you gots the pictures out! Did you decide?”
“Not yet,” Jase replied, hoisting Michael up into the air to give him his turn despite Emily’s protests.
“Decide?” I asked, my head tilted slightly as I watched him swing our son, grimacing at what was sure to be an injury, breathing a sigh of relief when he was also safe on that couch, only screaming because he was being tickled.
“Pictures for the front... room thing,” Jase said, crooking his finger at Elizabeth, who jumped into his arms and giggled with glee as he flipped her upside down.
“For the great room,” I said, looking down at them again.
“Yeah, I wasn’t... too good at deciding...”
“Please watch what you’re doing,” I said quickly as he began to swing Elizabeth.
“I’m fine, Mommy,” she said between her giggles, screaming loudly when she was ‘dropped’ on the couch and tickled mercilessly.
“You were always the one who did that sort of thing,” Jase finally said, turning towards me as he motioned to the children to get in a line before picking Emily up once more.
“Oh, you’re making me nervous,” I muttered, turning away from them even as he laughed.
“You could help,” he said, and I looked over my shoulder at him like he was completely mad.
“Have you lost your mind? I’m not going to swing the...”
“The pictures, Talia.” he said with a roll of his eyes, a smirk planted on his face.
“Oh.” I straightened just a bit and added, “I knew that.”
“Is that a yes or a no?” he asked just before he made Emily squeal so loud I thought my ears would bleed.
I looked down at the pictures, then back over at them... all of them, laughing, playing as if they hadn’t a care in the world. Jase happened to glance at me at just the right time, raising his eyebrows slightly, gesturing with his head at the pictures.
I knew our conversation was far from over. I knew the hardest parts were yet to come. But I also knew that this was his way of waving that white flag once more.
Who was I to say no?
JASE
“ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T mind?” Talli asked as she put the finishing touches on her hair, its messy bun looking absolutely adorable. I smiled wistfully, unable to count the number of times I’d watched her do this simple task.
“Positive,” I replied. She was fixing her light makeup, wiping a smudge from under her eye as she stared into her small compact before snapping it shut and shoving it into her pocket. My smile faded as the memories of that hospital in Illinois crept into my mind.
“I swear this is the last night for this,” she continued, grabbing a Diet Pepsi from the refrigerator. She turned to me with an easy smile. “This time around, anyhow.”
I opened my mouth to ask what she had done for childcare during her on-call and rotation hours when we were living twenty-two minutes apart but decided against it. I knew it was my place to be concerned—they’re my children, too—but I knew it was normally Linda when she’d been at the house, and I knew it hadn’t been since she’d left. Paul had watched them before, but he was a doctor and couldn’t do it all the time. Was it that hateful bitch that had seen to it my kids were kept from me that night?
I felt Talli’s hand on my arm, burning straight to my soul, and I glanced at her again. Her eyes were so soft, so kind as she said, “This means so much. Thank you.”
I couldn’t tell her it was unnecessary to thank me, see. Because not so long ago, when she would get that call, or her pager would go off, I would be absolutely livid. I would protest about having to deal with Emily when I had just gotten home and was exhausted. I would snap at Elizabeth and Michael when they would have one of their arguments. And the moment Talia would get home, dark circles under her eyes, I would grab my keys and leave like some pouting child.
I wonder if that’s what she was thinking of, too.
“I... I should have done this,” I said, and her eyes dropped to the floor. “Before, I mean.”
She took a deep breath, her head tilted slightly to the side. With the most incredibly sweet yet impish grin, she said, “You’re right. You should have.”
“Wow,” I said with a laugh.
“There,” she said, seeming satisfied. “Now I don’t feel so guilty.”
And that pretty much summed it up. Not this great big revelation, not this wonderful picture-perfect family. No, there was this underlying tension, this definite strain on our relationship that nostalgia over photographs couldn’t heal. We did our best to be civil to each other, to not step over those unspoken boundaries again. But the boundaries were killing me slowly. This was my own personal hell, I’m sure. I loved her but I couldn’t love her because I’d thrown that away, I wanted her with me, but I couldn’t tell her she shouldn’t be with Paul because I didn’t have that right anymore. I couldn’t long for her, ache for her, feel so very lonely even with her just down the hallway.
It was just like before.
Only worse.
Because now we were consciously trying to get along. I’d heard of the phrase about killing someone with kindness, I just never thought it could actually happen. But I swear, every time we said good night—sweetly, nicely, nonchalantly, however it happened—and went our separate ways towards opposite ends of the hall, my heart would die just a little more. And she would ask if I was going back into my office, and she would ask if I ever rested, and I didn’t have the heart, or the balls, to tell her I slept in there. I didn’t want her pity. No, it was much worse.
I wanted her love.
But I didn’t have that anymore. More and more every passing day it seemed evident that what I wished for was reserved for someone else. More than once she’d let me know she was going to be late. I had promised I wouldn’t ask, so I didn’t, but that smile on her face, that spring in her step... there was no denying what was doing that to her, for her. It was wonderful to see her smile like that again, but damn it, it should be because of me. Because of us.
She would curl up in her papasan chair in her room, the kids playing around her, and giggle on the phone like a schoolgirl. I could tell when it was Jaden, with the obscenities that Pete and I would pass through them just like we always did, but it wasn’t always Jaden.
It wasn’t always a female she was on the phone with.
And she would get secretive. She would walk out of the room. She would talk more softly, tell the kids they were nosey when they would ask who it was on the phone.
I knew the drill.
I knew it because I’d played that game before.
I hated feeling like I needed to escape from my own house... no, it wasn’t even my house I needed to escape from. It was my own head, and I hated it. I hated it almost as much as sitting at that kitchen table, the one I wanted new memories at, and going over our plans, our wishes.
Not for us, not for our future together.
No, we were making plans for the end of it, for parting ways, for our divorce, for our impending separation... and this one would be permanent.
So I wasn’t in the best of moods when Kate finally called to tell me she was back.
“Warner, let me tell you, Europe was absolutely brilliant! Much better without Brooks.”
“Good, good. I’m glad you had fun.”
“Fun?” she asked with a breathy laugh. “Oh, honey, I was living it up in Italy!”
“So...”
“So what?”
“Tell me, dork.” I sat in the recliner, smiling as Michael came up and gave me one of his spontaneous hugs he must have known I needed.
“Oh no.”
“What?” I asked, alarmed. “What’s wrong?”
“Exactly what I thought would be wrong,” she said with a groan. “Oh, Jase... I love you, you know that I do, so I say this... from that part of me, okay? The part of me that knows you so well.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know you had the best of intentions, and who knows? Maybe you did the two of you and the kids a world of good by opening up your home to Talli.”
Did I?
“But listen to you... oh, God, Jase. You are so lovesick, so... so heart sick.”
“I was just...”
“No, no... it’s time to stop lying to yourself, Jase. Especially when you can’t lie to me, and I’m going to call your ass on it.”
“Really, Evans?” I asked, picking at a thread on my shirt.
“Yeah, really. You wanted this to work, you wanted the two of you to get back together. And don’t bother to argue with me because you know I’m right.”
I shut my mouth as she continued, her words resonating around in my head.
“You wanted to show her what you had, how it could be if you two stayed together. You wanted her to... to tell you that she loves you, tell you that she doesn’t want this divorce, tell you that...”
“Just stop, okay?” I said, my melancholy mood coming through.
“Where is she?”
“Work.”
“I don’t want to cause any problems, Jase, okay? I just... I think you need a friend.”
I sighed as the kids ran out of the room, giggling about something that Elizabeth had been drawing. “I think you’re right.”
“I’m going to grab some ice cream, okay? What kind do the kids like?”
“No... no, I’m going to put them to bed soon,” I said, glancing at the clock. “Elizabeth has school tomorrow, and the kids will be going to the daycare center for a few hours. I don’t want them all cranky.”
“Oh, listen to you, Mr. Responsible Daddy!”
I laughed, scratching the back of my neck. “Who woulda thought, huh?”
“Me.”
I was silent for a moment, my hand still on the back of my neck, but still. “Wow.”
“I’m being serious, Jase.”
“I know... I know you are,” I said, my voice still full of wonder. “Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it,” she replied with a laugh. “So I’ll be by in about an hour, with ice cream. Including that crap you like to eat.”
“Awesome.”
“And a movie.”
“I already have the movie,” I corrected her.
“Do you still watch it?”
I pondered her question for a moment before answering. “Not so much lately. But yeah, I watch it from time to time.”
“And you still quote Penny?”
“How could I not? Kate Hudson’s a goddess. No boobs, but still... a goddess.”
“Oh lord,” she groaned. “I’ll be there in an hour.”
It was wonderful to smile genuinely without the heartache associated with that lovely mediator appointment we had coming up in two days. Two fucking days. In two days I was going to sit in front of someone appointed by the court and tell them that yes, I wanted this over with, I wanted a divorce, I wanted to split the time with our kids, divide our assets, I wanted to be free.
But the price of freedom... it’s so high. So very high.
“DO YOU REMEMBER,” SHE began from her seat beside me in the media room, “when you and Debra went to go see this movie?”
“Debra?” I asked incredulously, laughing at her question. “Damn, Evans! Not... ‘do you remember all the times we watched it’; not ‘remember the time we snuck onto the football field and had a private viewing’; not ‘remember when we had it playing to drown out the noise of...’ OW!” I rubbed my arm where she had hit me rather hard.
“I’m trying to make a point here, dickhead.”
“Oh, a point. This should be good.” I grinned, taking a bite of my ice cream.
“Do you know how much that hurt?” she asked, and my smile faded.
“Not as much as the...”
“Sadie Hawkins dance, yeah. It took you awhile to top that one... well, other than you kissing Talli on our one month anniversary,” she added with a wave of her hand, then grinned at me.
It was a smile I couldn’t return.
“I’m sorry... that wasn’t... my intention, that wasn’t where I was going with this,” she said softly.
“Where were you going, then?”
“I forgave you. It hurt so... so very much, but I forgave you.”
I nodded, remembering all those years ago. “That you did, Evans. That you did.”
“Have you asked her?”
“Huh?”
“For forgiveness, Jase? Have you asked for forgiveness?”
I blushed as I shook my head, focusing on my ice cream that was melting into a puddle of green soup. “No. And before you ask, no... I haven’t told her that I want us to make this work. I haven’t told her I lay awake at night wanting to walk down that hall and just... crawl in bed with her.”
