Trust Your Struggle, page 25
I smiled to myself as I recapped that in my mind waiting for Ms. Seong. I was so glad that I had decided to challenge the “us vs. them” stigma because, without that barrier, my sentence became so much more bearable. I was no longer carrying around the hatred, animosity, and scheming plans against the C.O.s and system; instead, I was able to focus more on the solutions to the women’s needs around me. Helping others every day was the best medicine I could’ve been given. It helped ease my daily anxiety, it cured me of the restlessness I experienced most nights, and I found that I was laughing more than I ever had in the five years since incarceration and I had discovered laughter was life’s natural medicine to heal the sick.
The Visitor
*KNOCK*KNOCK*
“Come in,” I said.
“Hello, Ms. McGee,” Ms. Seong said as she walked in the room.
“Hello, Ms. Seong, how are you?” I asked.
“I’m doing good. Are you ready for your visit?” Ms. Seong was Korean and she had a heavy accent, so a person had to really listen to understand what she was saying.
“I think so,” I said uncertain. “I don’t know who it is, so I don’t know how to get ready for it.”
“Let’s see who’s on the list for today,” she said as she looked at the clipboard she was carrying. “It says ‘Mark McGee’ is who’s here to see you.”
My jaw dropped, “My dad’s here to see me? Are you sure?” I couldn’t believe what I had heard.
“That’s what it says here on the list and this comes from the front where the visitors sign in. Why?”
“I haven’t seen my dad since I was like two,” I scoffed.
“Wow! Were you expecting him?” Ms. Seong asked.
“No more than I was expecting Santa Claus to visit me this year.”
Ms. Seong laughed, “Do you want to see him? You have the right to refuse the visit if you want.”
“No,” I quickly said, “I want to see him. I don’t know my dad so it’d be nice to put a face to a name.”
I knew the procedure for changing out so I jumped up and began stripping my uniform off, one article at a time, like the protocol required. After getting undressed, I quickly displayed the soles of my feet before bending over, spreading my butt cheeks, and coughing three times. Ms. Seong cleared me by handing me an XXL jumpsuit and stepping out of the room so she could go call the front desk to send back my visitor. As routine as the strip searches had become, I still wasn’t comfortable being so exposed, and I knew the memories of the strip searches would haunt me for many years to come, but this wasn’t the moment to think about that. I quickly got dressed and walked out the same door Ms. Seong just used. The door opened to the spacious visitation room that had ten vending machines lined up along the wall to my left, a kid’s play area on the wall directly in front of me, Ms. Seong’s desk on the right hand wall, and restrooms along the same wall as the changing room. The main part of the room was dedicated to visitors and inmates. Policy rules mandated that visitors and inmates sat across from each other with at least three feet of space separating them and the only contact allowed was during the greeting and goodbye. It wasn’t the best scenario to have a family connection, but I had heard it was better than most prisons.
When I walked in the room, I saw that there were already three families in there visiting with their loved ones. They were all sitting close to Ms. Seong’s desk for some reason, so I had the majority of the room to choose from. I chose the spot closest to the vending machines and microwave. When I sat down, I looked at the inmates and saw that I didn’t recognize any of them, which I was grateful for because I didn’t know how this initial meeting would go with my dad.
Never, in a million years, would I have guessed that my dad would come to see me. I didn’t know him and I had never cared to get to know him. He had abandoned me for almost my entire life, so how else was I supposed to feel about him?
“I wonder how he found out I was in prison?” I pondered.
But before I could think of the possibilities, there was a loud,
*POP*
The visitation door was opened and all the air in my lungs was squeezed out. Five seconds later, a tall, slim, handsome black man walked in, proud and confident. He was wearing a white, short-sleeved polo with black slacks and black loafers. He scanned the room before his eyes connected with mine and he froze, mid-stride, and just stared at me.
“Sir?” Ms. Seong asked after a solid minute, “Are you, Mark McGee?”
“Yes,” he replied with a raspy voice. He cleared his throat before saying more confidently, “Yes, I am Mark. I’m here to see my daughter, Carissa, and I see her sitting right over there.” He pointed at me and then waved. I meekly returned his wave.
“Okay, the rules of visitation are posted on the walls, but if you have any questions, feel free to come and ask me. I’ll be sitting at the desk over there,” she pointed to her desk.
“Okay, thank you.” He said, never taken his eyes off of me and now that Ms. Seong was done giving him instructions, he made his way towards me. As he approached, I stood to meet him face to face, so he knew how much of an adult I already was. “Carissa Belle,” he said when he closed the distance to less than a foot. “You are more beautiful than I ever could’ve imagined. Look how tall you are, too. And so skinny! You look just like I did when I was twenty.”
“Hello, Mark,” I said. There was a bite to my tone, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“I’ve been waiting for this moment for a very long time, you know?” he asked.
“Well, here we are,” I said sarcastically as I held out my arms in a mocking gesture to welcome him to the current reality I was living in.
“Can I give you a hug?” he asked politely.
“Sure, I guess,” I replied with no emotion.
Without hesitation, he swiftly and firmly swept me off my feet in a total wrap around hug that knocked the wind out of me.
“Mark,” I choked out, “Mark! DAD!” I finally yelled.
“What? What? Oh, am I squeezing too tight?” He chuckled before releasing me and taking a step back.
I massaged my ribs while telling him we needed to sit down before we had our visit canceled. Ms. Seong had been watching us the entire time and even though she knew the significance of this visit, she wasn’t above enforcing the rules.
“Do you want anything to eat?” Mark asked as we took our seats. “I called before I came and they told me I could bring up to $50 to use in the vending machines.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Ziploc bag full of quarters, “$50 in quarters weighs way more than you would think! Let’s put a dent in this thing, huh?”
I chuckled, before answering his question, “I could go for one of those Big A-Z cheeseburgers and a bag of Hot Cheetos.”
“Good choice! I think I’ll have the same exact thing,” he said with a wink before standing up to go purchase them. “And what do you want to wash it all down with?”
“A red Gatorade. No, a Dr. Pepper. No, the Gatorade,” I said indecisively
“How about both?” he asked through a chuckle.
I felt myself blush for reasons I could not understand.
I watched him as he skillfully balanced all the food and drinks he bought, before returning everything but the burgers back to the little 12”x12” stool sized table we had between us. He whistled a tune I didn’t recognize as he went to the microwave and began preparing the burgers. As the food was heating up, he casually walked the distance to Ms. Seong’s desk and sparked up a conversation that was obviously funny because Ms. Seong and my dad were both laughing for most of it.
“How does he do that? Have such confidence with a complete stranger and not look even slightly uncomfortable?” I thought in admiration.
I don’t know why or how, but I was instantly falling head over heels for this man the longer I stared at him. I literally felt my heart turn from ice cold to warm and fuzzy. I couldn’t explain it, but in the short moments that I had interacted with this man, who I had never known before, I had decided that I loved him and I wanted to get to know everything there was to know about him.
A silent tear fell down my cheek, which I quickly wiped away before he returned to see it.
I watched as he went back to the microwave, prepared the burgers, said one last thing to Ms. Seong, who laughed again and then made his way back to me.
“The visitation officer seems pretty nice,” he said as he placed a burger in front of me and handed me a napkin.
“Yeah, she only works in here though, so I don’t know if she’d be as nice if she worked in the back,” I said thoughtfully.
“Are the officers back there not as pleasant?” he asked with genuine concern.
“Not even close,” I scoffed.
“Well, that’s too bad. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer.”
“This is very true,” I chuckled.
“Wow! You have the same smile you used to have as a baby, you know?”
“No, I don’t remember that far back,” I said sarcastically.
The reminder that he and I didn’t know each other was brought back to my attention, and it stung.
“How’d you find me?” I asked sharply.
“Your sister finally told me about what happened with you and your mom,” he said somberly.
“My sister? You talk to my sister? Which one?” I asked.
“Only Judith. Jasmine and Angela don’t want anything to do with me, and I try to respect that,” he said sounding a little wounded.
“Wait. You’ve talked to all of my sisters? How come you never reached out to me?” I asked obviously pained.
“I tried, Carissa, I swear I did,” Mark’s eyes growing big, “but your mom was very protective of you for some reason. She wouldn’t even let me send you birthday cards and if I did, she threatened to file a restraining order against me.”
“What? Why would she keep you from talking to me but allow you to talk to her other daughters?” I challenged.
“Well, she couldn’t stop Judith and Jasmine from talking to me because they knew who I was and they fought your mom whenever she tried to keep them from me, but with you and Angela, there wasn’t much I could do. I only started talking to Angela when Judith told me about this. Angela doesn’t want anything to do with me though and Jasmine’s always hot or cold - she’s still trapped in her drug addiction.” He said that last part with what sounded like a heavy heart.
I couldn’t believe that the first news I had heard about my family after my crime was coming from my dad - the person I hadn’t seen in almost two decades.
“So why did Judith tell you about me now?” I asked.
He looked me deep in the eyes as he explained, “Because I hadn’t heard about you going to college and I wouldn’t stop asking about you. I bought her a fancy necklace for her birthday a few days ago and she finally cracked and told me the whole story. Well, I should say her side of the story. She forgets I know your mom better than any of you ever will so I know there’s more to it than what she said.”
“And what did she say happened exactly?” I asked suspiciously.
“She said you went crazy and tried to kill your mom and Angela because your mom wouldn’t let you have a girlfriend,” he said unphased.
“What?! That’s not what the fuck happened.” Although I could totally understand why that was the general consensus. I had never told my side of the story yet and the D.A. had spun a web full of lies to spice up her politic race.
“Hey! Watch your language, young lady,” he snapped without hesitation.
“Sor- wait. Don’t tell me what to do, I barely even know you!” I snapped back. My emotions were quickly rising and I hadn’t felt them so out of control in a long time. “You think you can come in here and just tell me what to do and how to act? Well, you lost that right when you abandoned me when I was only a baby!” I practically yelled.
He stared at me for a moment before he said, “Carissa, forgive me, please I didn’t mean to overstep my boundaries,” he reached to place his hand gently over mine but I pulled it away. “It’s just natural for me to think of you as a little girl still and I forget that you’re a grown woman now. Please, don’t get upset. I really want this time to be spent getting to know you.”
“This is me, Dad,” I said as sneeringly as possible. “You’d know that if you had been around.”
“This is just a part of who you are, Carissa,” he said gently, “and I want to know that side too, but I also want to get to know all of you.”
The truth in his observation made my analytical mind come to a screeching halt. I took a practiced deep breath before I said, “You’re right. There is so much more to me than just the spitting anger I have inside, and I want to get to know you, too. I apologize for losing my temper so quickly.”
“No need to apologize,” he assured me. “I know how infuriating it is to have your own family spread such hateful lies about you.”
I gave a quizzical look.
“Oh yeah!” He chuckled, “I know what that feels like. I’ve had to sit back for years listening to all the hateful lies your mother told your sisters about me knowing I couldn’t do anything about it.”
“Why not?” I shook my head.
“I was in the military,” he simply stated, “and when you have problems with your spouse or kids, that’s stuff you can’t let other people know about.” He shrugged, “You’re expected to have your home on lock if you’re a Senior Officer like I was. I couldn’t come apart at the seams because my ex-wife was poisoning my children with her lies. I had to suck it up, save face, and move on like I wasn’t dying inside.”
“I know that feeling. But why did you stay in the military for so long then? You would rather your children grow up believing those lies than come to make it right with us?” I asked with no consideration of how it made him feel.
“Your mom would’ve made my life a living hell, Carissa, not that that’s a good enough excuse because it’s not,” he added quickly as he saw me ready to challenge him, “but I’m not as strong as you are, I didn’t have the guts to face her like you did. I don’t condone what you did, but on some level, I admire and respect the hell out of you for standing up and fighting for what you believe in. I don’t know what it was you were fighting for, but I know it must’ve been just as important as your life because that’s what you risked when you did what you did.”
“That’s what I was fighting for - my life,” I said softly under my breath.
“I can’t imagine how hard that must’ve been for you, Carissa and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to help you,” he reached out to place his hand on mine again and this time I didn’t pull away. “The law was stronger on her side,” he continued, “and I could’ve lost everything if I would’ve fought for custody. I figured the best thing to do was to give her what she wanted and pray when you girls were old enough you’d understand my position and forgive me. It was a coward’s way out, I know, but I didn’t know what else to do. Your mom ran away with all four of you in the dead of night practically. I came home and everything that I had known was gone. I was depressed for years, Carissa, and it was a hard thing to overcome,” he choked up at the end and had to excuse himself to grab a tissue from Ms. Seong’s desk.
I understood so much of what he had just said because I had lived in similar circumstances. “How come Judith and Jasmine never mentioned talking to you?” I asked when he sat back down.
“Your mom forbid them to. A lot of people don’t truly understand how controlling and powerful your mom can be. She could make a slug eat salt if she wanted to,” he said more serious than joking.
“Oh,” was all I said. I couldn’t think of anything else to say because I was still processing everything.
“But I don’t want to talk about your mom this whole visit. Let’s talk about you. Tell me everything.”
I laughed self-consciously but was relieved to have a changed direction. “What do you want to know?” I asked.
“What’s your favorite color?” he asked.
“I don’t have one.”
“Really? Mine’s blue,” he shared.
“Well, if I had to pick, it’d be yellow but I really like teal, too; it looks good on my skin.” I smiled shyly.
“Okay, I can see that. What about your favorite thing to do?”
“That’s easy - play basketball,” I said without hesitating.
“That’s because you haven’t played against me yet,” he said cocky and I was able to see a flash of myself in him for the first time. “I’ll work you so good you’ll never want to play the game again!”
“Oh yeah?” I asked with a silly grin on my face.
“Oh yeah. I’m so smooth, I’ll have you slippin’ all over the court like it was an ice rink,” he egged on.
“Oh yeah?!” I exclaimed louder this time. “So you’re a trash talker huh? Well, do you have any State Championship rings to prove your worth, Mr. Hotshot?”
“No, but my game speaks for itself; I don’t need a ring to validate it!”
We laughed and continued asking and answering each other questions like we were childhood friends being reunited. It came so natural to talk to my dad and it felt so good, too. The more I looked into my dad’s face the more I could see so many of my own features and that was such an awesome feeling. We spent the entire day talking, laughing and teasing each other and never once did we run out of things to say.
I learned so much about my family, his past, and where I had gotten most of my traits from in that one visit than I had learned in my entire life growing up with Mom. He shared old stories that answered so many of the questions I didn’t even know I had. Like why Judith and Mom had had such a strained relationship growing up - apparently Judith had once tried to run away to go live with Dad but Mom caught her before she got on the bus and dragged her back home. They got into a physical fight that ended with Mom kicking Judith in the back, causing her to fall into a door frame, where she knocked out her front tooth. Mom had taken Judith to the dentist immediately and had her fitted for a porcelain tooth before anyone was the wiser.
