Trust Your Struggle, page 21
“Are you thirsty or hungry?” I asked after we laughed and I was able to remember my manners.
“Yeah, I could use a Gatorade,” she said.
“Which kind?” I asked.
“Ummm, the blue one,” she decided.
“One blue Gatorade coming up,” I said with a wink.
I walked behind the concession counter and grabbed a blue Gatorade, “Put it on my mom’s tab,” I told the JV girls running the stand. They just giggled and nodded.
“What’s with those girls? Did you tell them a joke or something?” Martina playfully asked when I walked back.
“Who? The JV girls? Nah, they just think I’m cool or whatever and every time I talk to them, that’s what they do - giggle,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve given up trying to talk to anyone that’s not on the varsity squad.”
“Can you blame them?” Martina asked to my surprise. “You just got Gatorade Player of the Year twice, in the same year, for two different sports. That’s pretty ‘cool’ if you ask me.”
“That’s still no reason to get all giggly around me. But you think I’m cool?” I asked as I felt the heat rush to my face.
“Yeah, I think you’re really cool,” she exclaimed.
“Really?!” I couldn’t hide my excitement, “I think you’re cool! I’ve always thought that.”
“Me?” Martina chuckled nervously, “what’s so cool about me?”
“How about your laugh, or your voice or your name or your game!”
“You just named three things of the things I don’t like about myself.”
“What? You don’t like your game?” I teased.
“That’s the one thing I actually do love about me,” she said humbly.
“Well, I love all of them and I hope they never change.” My candor caught Martina off guard and she shyly smiled.
I didn’t know what it was, but talking to Martina was the easiest thing I could’ve done. I was kicking myself for being so nervous before, just Jamonica had said I would be. Martina was the coolest person I had ever met and I wanted to hear everything she had to say. We went to the top of the bleachers to talk and we tried our best to act casual, but the chemistry between us could’ve started a fire! Being around her made my entire world seem brighter, listening to her talk made my heart jump, and her laugh made my face light up like a Christmas tree. I could feel myself floating on cloud nine and when it was time for her team to play, I had eyes for only her. She had somehow become even better than I remembered and I was mesmerized all over again.
“Oh wow! You’re in trouble, Carissa,” Jamonica said.
“What? What did I do?” I asked innocently.
Jamonica had come over to sit with me and I hadn’t even noticed.
“You look like a sick puppy,” Jamonica said as she shook her head in disbelief.
“What are you talking about, girl?” I asked through an embarrassed chuckle.
“You look like a puppy that’s sick in love!” Jamonica repeated herself. “Look at that stupid grin on your face!”
I laughed out loud and for the first time, looked away from the court. “You’re tripping! I’m just sitting here, watching the game,” I said casually.
“You ain’t watching anything except that girl over there and you know it, stop lyin’,” Jamonica knew me better than anyone else and I knew I couldn’t fool her.
“So what if I am? Is that a crime?”
“In some states, yes, I think it is,” she said as serious as she could.
That made me laugh even harder, “You’re so crazy, Jamonica! Leave me alone and let me do what I do.”
“Oh, I’m gonna leave you alone, but it’s only because your mom is headed this way right now. See you later.” And before I could say anything in response, she was gone.
“Carissa, are you hungry?” Mom had an apron and serving gloves on as she walked up the steps, obviously coming from the concession stand.
“No, I ate before we came over here,” I explained.
“That was over four hours ago, you’re still not hungry?” Mom pressed.
“No, and we’re about to play after this game,” I defended.
“Okay, fine, but let me know if you get hungry.”
“Okay,” I said hoping to end the conversation.
“So I heard you’ve been over here talking to that Holloway girl.” Mom added.
Annnnd, there it is - the real reason for her visit. I knew she didn’t have any real concern for my hunger.
“Yeah, and?” I asked with a bite.
“And nothing,” Mom said passively as she shrugged her shoulders. “I just don’t want you getting any ideas. Her father already asked if you and your sister could travel with them and I told him ‘no’.”
Of course, you did.
“Why?” I challenged.
“Because you travel with Mayfield, that’s why,” she said pointedly.
“Okay, fine, whatever. She hasn’t even mentioned that.”
“Uh-huh, I see,” Mom stared at me for a moment before she continued. “Well, she will be asking and you be sure to tell her ‘no, thank you’.”
“Okay, fine, I will.” I said whatever I thought would get Mom to drop the subject of Martina. I was afraid she would be able to read my mind and figure out why we had been talking in the first place.
“Are you sure you’re not hungry? I brought my enchiladas that you love,” she tried to bribe.
“No, I’m good right now, maybe after the game,” I added to be polite.
“Alright, hopefully there’s a piece left.” Mom warned as she turned on her heels and walked back down the bleachers.
Yeah, because saving me a piece would be too much to ask.
Mom and I had had a strained relationship for as long as I could remember, but most days that no longer bothered me. And today was definitely one of those days that I wanted to be completely unaffected by it.
After Sandia won their game, Martina stayed with her team as they headed to the lobby to get something to eat. We had agreed to act as normal as possible, lest we draw too much attention to ourselves. I jumped on the court to warm-up with my team as we prepared for the one game we had scheduled that night. Martina and I kept our distance the rest of the night to make sure we weren’t obvious with our new relationship because neither of us was ready to tell anyone about it. It wasn’t that we were ashamed, just scared how people would react and treat us if they found out. Neither of us had any examples in our lives to follow or confide in so we were forced to figure things out ourselves. Laying low was our best bet.
Chapstick
Sandia had the last game of the night so it was a great excuse to stick around to help close the gym. I told Mom I’d probably be home late because the last game was ending around 10 p.m. and she agreed to extend my curfew by an hour, leaving me just enough time to go see Martina at her hotel. It had been her suggestion to stop by to see her after their game and, honestly, I was elated she had offered because I hadn’t wanted to seem pushy by asking her if it was okay that I stopped by. We only had two more days to see each other and I wanted to take advantage of our time together, even if was just for a few minutes outside of her hotel.
They were staying at the hotel down the street from the school so it was easy enough to find. Martina didn’t want to get in trouble for being out of her room past their 11 o’clock curfew so she promised me only fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes was more than enough time to have our first kiss; not that that was the only reason I wanted to go see her, but it was on the top of my ‘to-do’ list.
“Be cool, Carissa, be cool. She might not even want to kiss you, so no need to be nervous like you always get right before a big event.”
I had to do a lot of self-talking before I called to let her know I was outside. She asked me to park on the backside of the hotel, in the shadows, just in case her coach or teammates were walking around, she didn’t want to get caught. There was a level of excitement along with the nerves and fear, it was a crazy cocktail of emotions.
I was sitting on my tailgate looking at my phone when Martina walked up, “Boo!” she said quietly.
I jumped, “Ugh! Don’t scare me like that!”
She laughed, “I’m surprised you didn’t hear me, I walked over that bed of rocks to get over here.”
“I didn’t hear you, you’re pretty stealthy, you know? On and off the court,” I winked.
“Or you’re just deaf,” she suggested with a laugh.
“Ha.Ha.” I faked laughed. “Wanna sit down?” I offered.
“Let’s go sit around the corner where there’s a street light. I don’t want to get caught, but I want to be able to see you, too.”
We walked out of the parking lot and down the sidewalk to the first street light and sat on the curb.
“Are you sure nobody knows you’re down here?” I asked for reassurance.
“I told my roommates I was going to get ice and maybe I got lost on the way there. And on the way back,” she added with a smile.
“Smart.” I chuckled.
“Does your mom know you’re over here?” Martina asked.
“Nah,” I said as I waved the question off. “She thinks I’m still helping close the gym. She gave me an extra hour on my curfew so I could stay to help, so I’ve got some time to hang out.”
“Do you live far from here?” she asked.
“About ten minutes away, so that leaves us,” I looked at my phone, “about thirty-five more minutes.”
“What do you want to talk about for thirty-five minutes?” she asked.
“I don’t know, I was hoping you had something in mind,” I threw back at her.
“I was thinking about getting some of that chapstick I saw you had.”
“What? My Mega Chapstick?” I laughed, thinking of the giant chapstick I had used earlier in the day. “It’s in my truck, if you wanted me to go get it.”
“Nah, let me have some of that chapstick,” she said a little more coyly.
“I told you,” I repeated, “I don’t have any on me right now, it’s in my truck.”
“Yeah you do, I can see it. Let me get some of it,” she insisted.
I stared at her, trying to figure out how she wanted me to give her some, but not go get any from my truck. And then it finally clicked!
“God, Carissa, if the obvious was a snake you’d get bit every time.”
“Ohhhh, some of this chapstick,” I subconsciously rubbed my lips together, obviously nervous about her request - that made Martina laugh.
“Yeah, some of that chapstick, silly,” she smiled patiently.
“How can she be so calm right now? I’m sweating bullets! Okay… get it together, Carissa, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for - don’t blow it!”
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and slowly leaned in, pausing midway to give her a chance to meet me. For a second, I was scared she had changed her mind, but right before I was going to sneak a peek, I smelt her breath - it was warm, sweet and tantalizing! Then I felt her lips press up against mine, soft and gentle at first. In that moment, fireworks exploded behind my eyelids, my heart pounded in my chest, and my senses were heightened to new levels. Still connected, our lips began to slowly slip open, cautiously at first, and then with more passion. Once our tongues met, I felt myself become completely stimulated by her mouth. She put her hand on my shoulder, causing me to respond in kind, and then I pulled her in closer to me, wrapping my arms around her, bringing our bodies right next to each other.
“This is your first kiss, Carissa, the first time you ever kissed a girl.” And damn, wasn’t it just incredible?
The moment was surreal and I didn’t want to forget a single thing. I wanted our kiss to last forever, but after a few minutes, it came to an end. We remained close, still holding each other, looking deeply into each other’s eyes. Neither of us uttering a word, but so much still being said.
“I am so in love with you, Martina.”
“And I am so in love with you, Carissa.”
“Thanks,” Martina said, breaking the silence.
“For what?” I asked with genuine confusion.
“For the chapstick,” she replied simply.
We laughed until our guts hurt after that.
“You know,” I said somewhat thinking out loud, “since you don’t really like your name, I think I’ll call you something else.”
“Well, my friends usually call me ‘T’ so you can use that instead,” she offered.
“No,” I said confidently, “I was thinking of something else.”
“Like what?” she asked curiously.
“Beautiful,” I said simply.
“Beautiful?” She laughed, “Uhhhhh, no, that will not work.”
“Why not?” I asked somewhat wounded.
“Because.”
“Because why?” I challenged.
“Because I am not beautiful,” she said plainly.
“Says who?” I asked defensively.
“Says me,” she said laughing.
“Well, good thing it’s my nickname for you, because I choose to call you Beautiful.” I smiled and then added, “You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever since, your voice is the most beautiful melody I’ve ever heard, and you give me the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever felt. If I had to sum you up in one word, it would be that - ‘Beautiful’.”
Martina just stared at me.
“I can call you ‘B’ for short, how about that?” I offered.
“My friends call me ‘T’ though,” she insisted.
“I’m not just your friend, B, I’m so much more.”
I kissed her deeply again and this time with more confidence. I placed my hand on her lower back to forcefully pull her closer to my body, wanting to be pressed up against her. I used my other hand to grab the nape of her neck and then run my fingers through her hair, before grabbing a handful and giving it a subtle tug. She moaned with pleasure. I could feel my body respond and if it wasn’t for the vibrating cell phone that was in my back pocket going off, I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop.
“Shit,” I exclaimed as I looked at my phone, “it’s my mom calling. It’s five minutes past my extended curfew, I gotta get home.”
“Okay, I hope you’re not in trouble,” she said.
“I don’t care if I am, I loved every minute being here with you,” I reassured her.
“Good. So did I,” she smiled and shook her head as we stared at each other for another minute. Finally, she said, “You better get home before your mom sends out the hounds.”
“Yeah, and she would, too. I’ll see you tomorrow - bright and early?”
“Bright and early. Thanks for coming over.”
“Thanks for inviting me,” I said with a wink.
We spent the rest of the night texting about our first kiss and how it really made us feel. It was the best night of my life and I was looking forward to having many more just like it.
*Shoot the lights out is slang for hitting a lot of three-point shots in a game.
**Double elimination tournament means a team has to be beaten twice before they are eliminated from the chance to win the tournament.
Chapter Ten
NMPEP
New Mexico Peer Education Project
Changes
I was sitting in the courtroom with my arms crossed, doing my best to keep myself warm. I had been in the courtroom for the better half of the morning, but I wasn’t concerned about how long I had to be there, no matter how cold the a.c. was set to. If I needed to wait for twenty more hours, I would, and with pleasure. I was waiting to receive the Judge’s sentencing and for some unexplained reason, he had requested a “few more minutes” to finalize his decision. That was over half an hour ago, but my Cowboy had said that that was a good thing because it meant he wanted to be sure that I wasn’t accidentally sentenced to more time than intended. I couldn’t understand how that was considered to be a “good thing” because I had been hoping he wouldn’t give me any time at all. I had already done almost eighteen months between the county jail and the children’s psychiatric ward and that felt like it was more than enough.
“Quick, stand up, Carissa,” Rory instructed as he stood. “Here he comes.”
“All rise!” The bailiff announced as the Judge walked back into the courtroom.
“You may be seated,” the Judge said after he sat down. “Ms. McGee, would you please stand as I read you your sentence?”
“Oh my god, this is it. This is for all the marbles,” I thought as I was being helped up back up to my feet by my Cowboy.
“Ms. McGee, this is a tragedy for everyone involved and it hasn’t been easy making my decision. I wish this could be undone somehow, but seeing that it cannot, I am ready to pass judgment. After careful deliberation, I hereby sentence you to a hundred years with no chance of parole to the New Mexico prison system.”
*BAM*
The Judge slammed down his gavel, solidifying his ruling before I even had a chance to protest.
“What?” I yelled. “He can’t do that, Cowboy, he can’t make me do a hundred years! I won’t even live that long! You have to stop him! Stop him, Cowboy! Stop him!”
*BANG*BANG*BANG*
“He can’t do that! Stop him!”
“McGee!” someone yelled.
“No… no… no! I won’t make it that long! Stop him!” I continued to yell.
“MCGEE!”
I was dragged out of my deep slumber by a pair of hands shaking me by the shoulders.
“What? What is it?” I muttered through my confusion.
“You were screaming in your sleep, you were having a nightmare, again. Are you okay?”
“Huh? Yeah, I think so.” I told whoever was shaking me.
I was still trying to gather myself enough to remember where I was and who I was talking to. The nightmare I had was still so vivid in my mind that it was causing me to have a lapse in my memory.
