Surrender (Lost Souls MC Book 2), page 4
I opened my mouth, and she held up her hands to stop me. “I know it wasn’t you, but I didn’t know that then. I’d already lost so much, and at that moment, I became nothing.” She walked closer, and my chest constricted a little more with each step. “I didn’t want to live, I didn’t want to wake up in the morning, and every day I fought to fix this.” She tapped the side of her head. “You may have been locked away in a concrete cell, but my mind became my prison, and there was no escaping the torture it would inflict again and again.”
Tears trailed down her cheeks, and for the first time since I found her, I truly understood that we’d both been caged that night. Our souls were tossed into a different hell of darkness, but both were just as lethal. The emotion was so raw on her face that when she reached me and smacked her hands off my chest, it felt like she’d hit me with a car and drove the air from my chest.
“Do I feel bad that you went to prison for something you didn’t do…fuck, of course I do. I didn’t think I could hate myself anymore, but I do. I sent the one person I loved and trusted in this world to prison, I….”
Her hands gripped my leather jacket into her fists. “You joke about having however many people a night and had the nerve to ask me where my pussy had been.” I licked my lips as my throat went dry. “No one Kai. No one until Avro touched me. Eleven years I’ve had no contact with another living soul. Not to shake their hand or give them a hug.”
The leather complained as her fists tightened. “It took Avro years to earn my trust. He was my only friend. I have no family. They were all dead, and the Collinses sent me packing the day I was released from the hospital. There were no nameless faces and wild orgies, no sweetbutts, as you put it, to satisfy bodily desires.” She jerked on my jacket, and my stomach gripped in a tight ball. “I was terrified. Do you get that? My only experience was extreme pain that landed me with two operations and no idea if I can ever have children, and all that time, I thought you did that to me. I still see your face in my mind sneering at me. I couldn’t see their faces, but it didn’t matter. My mind conjured you. How you’d hold me down….”
Raine let go of my jacket and walked to the dresser. Her shoulders shook as she covered her mouth and cried, but I didn’t move. I wasn’t even sure what to say at this point. We had so much pain between us. So many memories and misinformation.
She choked back a sob and turned to face me again. I hated to see that pain. I thought for so long that it was all I wanted. I loved her pissed off and fired up, but this…I didn’t want this anymore between us. It was toxic and destroying us both.
“So, to answer your question. Yes, after eleven years of knowing nothing but fear and loneliness, I finally let someone in. Someone that is wholly good and saw the scars on my soul and my damaged heart and didn’t run. For the first time, I could breathe again because I realized I could trust. It was freeing to finally not see everyone as a hooded figure looking to hurt me, and I took it.”
Her face fell. And I wanted to wrap her up in my arms. I had no idea that she’d lived like that. It made my rage toward Dave, Frank, and the now rotting-in-hell Jim burn that much brighter. I wanted to tell her about Jim and that I planned on making sure they all paid. But now I didn’t know if it was worse for her to know that two different people she trusted did this. I didn’t know, but I wasn’t willing to set any progress back further.
“And then you come along, and just like that, you crush me and the sliver of happiness I was building,” she growled and stomped the few steps to me and pushed my chest hard enough that I stumbled back and hit the wall. “You almost killed me, Kai, and then you almost killed them after you said you never wanted to see me again. I’m the problem? What the fuck?” She growled at me.
“And now what? You hunt me down. Say you want me and that I’m yours. Like you own me.” She shook her head. “What’s next? You planning on giving me a cut that says your property? Then the cycle will be complete. You can officially own my body and do whatever you want with whoever you want. That is how it works in an MC, right?” She shrugged, and I still couldn’t figure out what to say.
“The old ladies….” Raine lifted her hands and made finger quotes in the air. “First off, a sign of respect or not, if you ever call me an old lady, I will rip your fucking balls right off your body.”
I licked my lips, torn between impressed, a little terrified by the look in her eyes, and turned on so bad that I thought I might fucking cum in my jeans.
“But that is what they do, isn’t it? They have to shut up and support their man, right? Let their man fuck who they choose and never cause drama, all for the privilege of sitting on the back of your fancy bike.” Raine laughed and backed away. “No, I don’t want to live like that. I’ve felt like I had a sign saying I was owned by you for far too long. You already took my body, have my heart and mind—hell, you fucking have my soul. I have nothing left to give you, Kai, and I don’t want to be controlled by anyone, including my fear, any longer. I’m not that same girl you knew.” She looked down at the ground and then squared her shoulders as she looked up and her eyes found mine. “That girl died.” Turning around, Raine walked to the door. “I’m going to ask you again to please, just leave.”
“It’s not always like that.” Her brow furrowed in confusion. “With the old…the wives, I mean. It’s different for everyone. A lot of the guys are loyal to their other half.” Her hand gripped the door handle but didn’t turn it. “I’m here, Tink. I came because I want you, so tell me what you want?” I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. “I will listen.”
Raine crossed her arms and leaned against the door as she stared at me.
“Just say what you want, Tink.”
She smiled, but it was a sad smile as she wiped at the dampness on her cheeks. “I want to be selfish for the first time ever. I want it all. Call me greedy, or a slut, or whatever you want, but I want all of you, and no, that doesn’t mean you can fuck whoever you want.” It was my turn to cross my arms.
“You want all three of us exclusive to you and at the same time?” Rubbing my eyes, I ground my teeth together.
The thought of the bartender or rock star touching her had all the dark and dangerous parts of me coming to life. I needed to try and stay calm, or I would tear apart this room and then drive back to Miami and shoot those two fuckers in the head.
I knew she’d run, and I could let her. It would solve the issue. If she wasn’t around, then maybe I could finally move on too. The small voice in the back of my head laughed hysterically. I’d been locked up for ten years and hadn’t seen her a single day, and I wanted her more now than the day I was put away. It didn’t seem like her leaving town would stop me from wanting her.
“I don’t mean we all have to have sex together,” she said, and a low growl rumbled in my chest. “I mean, if you all could and not kill each other, I’d be open to the idea,” she said, and my eyes snapped up to hers. “That would be really fucking hot, actually,” she mumbled and tapped her chin.
The murderous side of me wanted to rip them apart. Even though, by all accounts, it sounded like they were decent enough, I just couldn’t wrap the possessive part of myself around the idea.
“Not fucking likely. Just thinking about them touching you makes me want to cut off their cocks and shove them down their throats.”
“Well, you asked what I wanted. There it is. I want all of you.” Raine laughed. “I don’t want to deny myself anymore.”
I looked up to the ceiling like, by some fucking miracle, I was going to find the answers written there. “Do you love them?”
“Avro, yes, but Jace is still new to me. They have been together along time so Jace is part of the package with Avro.”
I shook my head, trying to wrap my head around this disaster. “So, you’re in love with Avro, but not Jace, but Jace and Avro are together, so to have Avro, you need to fuck Jace?”
Raine’s eyes turned murderous again as she glared at me from across the room. “Don’t be an asshole Kai. You’re the one that chased me down. You’re the one standing in my motel room, and you’re the one that just asked me what I want. You don’t see me standing at your door, do you?”
I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “Fine, just explain to me why it is that I can’t have you, Avro have Jace, and we go our merry fucking separate ways?”
“Because what I wanted for my life before you stormed back in and started pounding your chest was vastly different than becoming your leather-wearing, bike-riding side hustle.”
“Fuck Raine! I don’t want anyone else. I don’t ever want to fuck anyone else again.” I yelled, my body shaking as I tried to contain the rage that wanted blood. “You’ve been tattooed on my heart from the day we met.” The admission had me sucking in a deep breath. She was the only good thing I’d ever had. Even when shit went sideways, it was still her face I dreamed about. It had always been her.
I ran my hand through my hair. “Now you’re asking me to be okay with you sleeping with other guys, while we’re together? I’ve never been okay with other guys around you. Fuck you must remember that. Tink, you’re it for me.”
She looked down at her boots, her arms crossed. The minutes ticked on, and I glanced at the clock. Sweat broke out on my brow when the number clicked over to exactly five minutes. It was the only thing moving in the room.
“I can’t explain this any better to you, Kai,” she finally said, her voice a whisper, yet I heard every word. “I have actively tried to push you from my mind and heart since the night I was attacked.” Her eyes slowly lifted, and I knew she wouldn’t give in. I felt the anger and panic building.
The one person, the one thing I wanted more than anything else in this world, was her. A family with her, and I couldn’t find a way to make her see that we belonged together. I couldn’t force her emotions away, couldn’t buy them away, and couldn’t scare them away. Raine would rather accept being alone or dead. I saw it behind the shimmering blue of her eyes. My heart pounded frantically, trying to figure out how to make this work and make her see things my way.
I’d always been able to sway Raine, always had the power to make her smile and talk her into whatever I wanted. I slumped against the wall as her words sank into the deep recesses of my brain. I wasn’t the boy she swooned over anymore, who she dreamed of and would sneak into his room. I was who she saw when she was attacked, the embodiment of her worst nightmare.
I was the creature that lived under the bed, that made her run screaming or die trying. My body shook with the harsh reality of what Irene, Dave, and his friends had cost us. They stole my happy ending. Our happy ending.
“Kai, this is only going to work one of two ways. You can leave, and I will continue on my way, and none of you get me. Because I know you couldn’t handle seeing me around town or know where I’m living with them without you having another meltdown like last night. I won’t put them or myself at risk or even risk the possibility of you going back to jail.”
“And the second option?”
“You can concede that I want Avro in my life, and with that comes Jace. This is your choice, but there is no third option. The one thing I’m not doing, is going half-measure on what I want. You asked. There is your answer.”
“And I assume killing them is off the table?” I snickered as Raine gave me her best ‘Are you fucking stupid look.’ It was the same look she gave me when we were kids, and I’d say something to get under her skin. It made me smile.
“I don’t know if I can do that and not kill them.” I lifted my hands and let them drop. “I’m being honest. I don’t want anyone else, so being faithful to you isn’t the issue.” I left out that I’d tried to get a blowjob, but my dick had been annoyingly uncooperative since I found her. “But adding two guys...Tink, you’re like the blood in my veins. Sharing that, sharing you is….” I held my hands out as I thought of the right word.
“The reality is, Kai, that my heart shattered into a million little pieces the day those men took my innocence. I’ve spent the rest of my time slowly gluing the little shards back together. It finally started to beat again, but I’m changed,” she said, her voice firm in her conviction.
Raine gripped the bottom of the hoodie she was wearing, and my throat stopped functioning as she peeled it off, leaving her in a black lace bra. “I’m no longer that innocent teen. I’m a woman exploring what I want and who I want, and I want it all. Please don’t try to deny me that or control my heart with an iron fist and fear.”
She tossed the sweatshirt aside, and my eyes roamed over her body. The bruises I’d left were green and yellow, and I hated seeing them. It was a visual confirmation that I’d tried to kill her and almost succeeded. That I had done what she feared the most. I really was the monster.
“Am I not worth trying for,” Raine asked, her voice soft and silky. The sound made me shudder. She bent over and pulled the laces on her shitkickers, kicking them off along with her socks. Her toenails were painted black with one pink one, which made me smile—a tiny bit of the girl she had been wrapped up in this badass woman.
My cock strained under my pants as she bit her lip. I groaned as her hands unbuttoned the top of her jeans, and I heard each link of the zipper as she pulled it down.
“Am I not worth the effort?” Her voice sounded somehow both sad and alluring. “For us to still find a happy ending to the pain we were put through?”
“You’re not playing fair,” I said as her hands worked at pushing down the tight denim, her hips wiggling from side to side and making me groan as she stepped out of them. She was left in a mismatched set of lacey underwear, and I smirked at the look. The black bra and pink bottoms just did something to me. I was practically panting like a dog by the time she was within arms reach. All my muscles strained to remain still.
“Fuck me, Tink. It has nothing to do with your worth, I…I’m just not great at sharing anything, and you are the most prized piece of my heart. To share that….” Her cheeks pinked with a blush, but she didn’t retract her request.
Her delicate hand reached out, and I watched it, knowing that she would seal my fate like her touch was magical, and yet I couldn’t move away. I closed my eyes as her hand made contact with my chest and slid up to wrap around my neck. Her other devious hand slipped under the leather jacket and gripped my shoulder. I could feel the pulse pounding in my neck as I tried to draw a deep breath.
“You can have me, Kai,” she whispered like a siren, and I shuddered. “You can have me whenever you want. However, you want.” She stepped in close until her body was brushing against mine. Even through the T-shirt, I could feel the warmth of her body and wanted to blanket myself with her touch. “I’ll try whatever you want and wherever you want. You want to put me on display, if you want to fuck me on your bike, then I’ll do it, but Avro and Jace are my only condition. I’m worth the effort, or I’m not.”
I stared down into her blue eyes that had always drawn me in like a whirlpool and threatened to whisk me away right now. She had power over me. Something I couldn’t understand and never explained to anyone, but it had always been there. If she wanted the stars plucked from the sky, I would’ve found a way to make them hers. If she wanted me to kill someone, I wouldn’t stop to ask why. She was my it, my forever, my all.
My hands had a mind of their own, and I sighed as I gripped her waist, finally touching her soft skin. She took that as a sign and pressed her body up tight against mine, and whatever brain power I had left to argue flew out of my head. Slipping my fingers under the lace, I gripped her ass, and a deep growl rumbled from my chest as her muscles flexed under my touch.
“You still love me,” I asked.
“Yes, I always have. Not a day has gone by that I have stopped loving you,” she said as her nails softly scraped along my neck, making me shiver. “And I will always love you. No matter what you decide, a piece of my heart will always be yours. No matter what has transpired between us, I would never change that.”
“And this is the only way?” I licked my lips as she raised up on her toes and laid a soft kiss on the side of my mouth.
She nodded, and as her body pressed into mine, she could’ve asked me to do anything, and I would’ve agreed.
“Fuck me,” I growled and dropped my head to her neck, breathing in her scent. She smelt sweet, like flowers and candy. I wanted to devour her. I opened my mouth again and knew that I’d at least try. If that meant I needed to do this, then that was what I’d do. Her leaving and never seeing her again wasn’t an option.
Because fuck me, Raine was mine, and I needed her like I needed the fucking air to breathe.
Raine
“Fine, I’ll fucking try, but I can’t make any promises that this is going to work.” Kai’s voice was hoarse and gravelly, like he’d drunk an entire bottle of whiskey and swallowed a sandpaper chaser.
I could taste the remnants of a cigarette and spearmint as he gave in and dropped his head to kiss me. I had no idea what I was thinking. Kai keeping his shit together and not killing Avro and Jace was laughable in my own head. But him not getting me at all was the only card I had if I wanted to have the life I hoped to build. If I didn’t lay down my terms before I gave over my heart and let him have my body, the battle would be lost.
Kai said he loved me, and I was his, but I wasn’t sure Kai knew how to love. Maybe at one time, but now…I wasn’t so sure. We were so volatile that it felt like the earth beneath our feet could shift and swallow us whole. It was exciting, but it could also end with all of us dragged under.
Even if Kai held it together, it still might all blow up in my face. Avro would agree, but Jace accepting this was almost as laughable as Kai. I was walking a tightrope with no safety net, and each step made me feel less sure about my decisions. All I knew was that I wouldn’t be forced to choose one over the other, not by Jace or Kai.
