Evil in Me, page 26
Ruby pressed her palm against her forehead, groaned. “Now that might make me a little screwed up. But I’m telling you I’m not hiding from it. And I don’t have no goddamn knots in my head. I got a fucked-up mother. That’s it!”
They both fell quiet, Ruby’s sniffles the only sound. Ruby finally got up, got a Kleenex and blew her nose. She picked up the bass and picked softly at it.
“I’m sorry,” Ruby said. “You’re not a demon. I say mean shit when I get mad. Fuck, why does everything always gotta be this way with me?”
Again, Beel felt her pain, her deeper hurt. I am going to show you something, Beel said. But you will need to trust me.
Ruby laughed, but it was a bitter sound. “Trust you? Yeah, I’m pretty much all in at this point. Right?”
Lay down, close your eyes.
Ruby kept plucking the bass.
Beel could feel her fatigue, her deep mental exhaustion with all of it. I would show you something, if you will let me. Now, lay down, close your eyes.
Ruby sighed. “Sure, okay. Why not?” She set the bass aside and lay down on her sleeping bag. After a moment, she closed her eyes.
Beel gave her time to settle, then withdrew within. You are in a great sea of night, he said in a soft, soothing whisper. You are floating along in a light warm breeze as all the stars of the universe shine above you and below you.
He did more than say these words, he pushed his visualizations at her, into her, as he slipped deeper within her mind, her soul.
Let yourself go. Let yourself drift away like a flower petal.
He came up against a wall within Ruby’s mind, nothing that he could see, just a place he couldn’t go.
Let me in, he whispered.
The wall didn’t give.
Let me in.
Her breathing slowed as sleep took her. He pressed again, the wall still wouldn’t yield, didn’t need to, as he slowly became part of it, part of her true self. He was amongst the strings.
A slight moan escaped her lips.
They weren’t really strings, but his mind and hers made them so. And here, he could see the knots, so many knots. And even though they weren’t real, he could touch them. He strummed a few and felt her body quiver. He gently took one of the knots and untangled it, it only took his touch, then one after another, until he could find no more.
* * *
Wake up. Ruby, wake up.
Ruby opened her eyes, unsure where she was. She sat up, blinked, looked around Tina’s room, and the weight of it all returned.
Ruby, Beel asked. How do you feel?
She was going to say, About the same, only that wasn’t true. Somehow, she felt lighter, her head clearer. If not for all the impending doom hanging over her, she would’ve even said she felt good.
Ruby, brace yourself. I have set your mind, your memories, free. It could come as a shock.
“Memories? What memories? Not sure what you mean.”
Ruby, tell me. How was your father the last time you were with him?
“He was sweet…” She stopped, the memory she had was of them strolling through the woods, discussing the many birdcalls around them. But as soon as it came to her, another took its place. It was of him arguing with her mother. She had plenty of memories of their fights, of her mother badgering him, but this one felt different. Why?
It was the tone, her mother’s tone, she was pleading, not badgering, but begging him to do something. The memory cleared. Her mother was begging him to go to the doctor, for therapy, and he was having none of it.
Of course, Ruby thought. That’s my mom. Always thinking everyone is crazy. Just need the right doctor, the right pill.
She saw her father dumping his pills down the sink while glaring at her mother. All at once her dad started screaming at her mom, red faced and raging, spittle flying from his lips. He shoved her then, no slammed her, into the wall.
Ruby gasped. “No! That’s not my dad?” But no sooner had she said it, then another memory came to her, one of him smashing dishes on the floor, another of him punching his fist into the bathroom mirror until it was dripping with his blood, one of him holding a knife to his own throat and screaming at them, threatening to kill them all.
“No,” Ruby said. “No way. Stop this, stop it! What have you done to me?”
Hold fast, Ruby. You are whole now. You are strong. Face it. Face yourself.
She clasped her head, fought to stop the memories, but they wouldn’t stop. One after another of her father’s growing instability, of her mother and her trying to deal with him. And as much as she wanted to believe Beel had vexed her somehow, she knew these memories were true, because they weren’t just memories, but missing pieces. And suddenly the puzzle that was her life came crawling together and everything made sense. The chaos of her mind that had plagued her for so long, that had made her feel so crazy, suddenly falling in order.
But it wasn’t over; another memory, one that had been buried in the deepest recesses of her mind, came tumbling out of the shadows. “Face it,” she told herself, gritting her teeth. She saw her father chasing her through the house with a knife, screaming at her, naked, streaks of blood from where he’d cut himself running down his chest. He cornered her in her room, shrieking and waving the knife. Ruby could still feel the heat of his breath, the crippling terror as she trembled, her back pressed against the wall. And her mother … her mother walking right in, even with her father waving that bloody knife about, putting herself between them. Then somehow, calmly telling him that there were no Vietcong coming to get him, that no one here wanted to hurt him. To look, to see that it was his daughter, Ruby, there in front of him. For the love of God, it’s Ruby.
Ruby could see the terror on her mother’s face, the knowledge that this mad soul before her might murder her at any moment.
How? Ruby wondered. How could she be that brave?
Ruby’s mother gently, carefully, took the knife from her father.
For me. She was that brave for me. And I can’t even remember the last time I told her I love her.
Ruby burst into tears. “God, Mom. I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry.”
* * *
Ruby’s mother, Martha, picked up the phone on the second ring. “Eduardo, that you? Did you hear anything?”
“Mom, it’s me.”
“Ruby! Oh, thank God! Are you alright?”
“Mom, I need to—”
“Are you in a cult? Eduardo said you’re in some kind of satanic cult.”
“No, Mom. I’m not in a satanic cult.” Ruby glanced at the clock; they needed to leave for the show five minutes ago. “Listen, please, just listen. I only got a minute.”
“I’m here.”
“These last few days … they’ve really helped me to see things clearly. There’s a lot about what we went through with Dad … that I … well, I put away. You know, like the doctor said, that I suppressed. But I remember now, Mom. All of it. Do you hear me? I remember. The good and the bad … all the bad. Especially the bad.” Ruby took a deep breath. “I remember what we went through with Dad. What you went through. Dealing with his episodes, his trauma, the flashbacks, the tantrums, the violence, the threats. I can’t imagine how horrible that must’ve been for you. Mom, what I’m leading up to, what I really want to say is that … is that … I haven’t been fair to you. Worse, I’ve been a total shit. And I’m … I’m … well, I’m just hoping you can forgive me, because—”
“I didn’t cheat on him,” her mother blurted out. “On your father. I need you to know that. More than anything, I need you to know that. I know it looked bad to the neighbors, him finding me at Todd’s house and all. Folks gonna believe what they wanna believe. But I was trying to find us a place to stay until we could get out of town. Todd was helping us, that’s all. But your dad … he tracked me down. And well … and well, you know what happened. Dad assumed the worst and … and…” She let out a great sob.
“God, Mom, please. You don’t need to do this. I know now. I get it.”
“He shot himself right there in front of me.”
“Aw, Mom. Geesh, God, I’m so sorry. So, so damn sorry. It’s not your fault. You know that. You have to know that. You did everything you could for him … for all of us. I know that now. Know that you were right about so much. He was sick. He needed help. And … and I needed help too.”
Her mom was still crying.
Tina walked into the room, tapped her watch.
“Mom, I gotta go.”
“Ruby, baby, Eduardo is on his way up to get you. Just tell me where you are and I will have him—”
“Mom, it’s too late for that. Listen, please. I know things have been hard between us. That I’ve put you through a lot of bullshit. We can work through all that later, when I come home. But for now, for now I just need to tell you that I love you. I love you, Mom. You hear me? I love you.”
Her mom burst into a fresh round of sobs. “I love you too, baby. You’ll always be my baby no matter what. You know that. Please tell me you know that.”
“I know that, Mom.”
Ruby wiped away her own tears. “Gotta go, Mom. See you soon.”
She hung up.
Ruby stared at the phone for a long time, then lifted the receiver. She dialed Pam’s number. After the sixth ring, the answering machine picked up.
“This is Pam, please leave a message.”
Ruby tried to speak, but couldn’t find the words.
She hung up the phone.
* * *
They were all quiet as Ruby pulled onto the highway. Vutto had fallen asleep in the back. They’d dressed him up for the show and his hat covered his eyes while he snoozed. The sun was setting and it looked like more rain was on the way.
Ruby pulled out a cigarette and started digging for her lighter. She stopped, realizing that she didn’t need a cigarette—more, that she didn’t even want one. Beel, she thought. You did this. And for a moment it scared her. What else did you do to me? But as she drove, as she listened to herself, her true self, she came to understand that it was more of an undoing. Like the knots in her brain, Beel had undone her dependency, her addiction.
She crumbled up the cigarette.
Ruby glanced over at Tina; Tina appeared lost in her thoughts, absently touching the bruise on the side of her face where that crazy man had hit her. Ruby marveled at how Tina always managed to keep her chin up, no matter what kind of bullshit they were dealing with. It’s all about indomitable spirit, Tina would say. How many times had Ruby heard that one? But Ruby wondered if it was healthy, the way Tina kept things bottled up, hiding her feelings from everyone. Tina could fool most folks with her never-ending gags and grins, but Ruby could see right through it, and right now she could see the strain and the fear.
Ruby reached over, set a hand on top of hers. “I’m so sorry about all this.”
Tina blinked, then her smiled returned. “Sorry about what? This isn’t your fault.”
“About bringing you into this trouble.”
“Trouble is what we do, girl.”
That’s your indomitable spirit talking, Ruby thought, and sighed. “Tina, you’re the best friend anyone could ever have. You know that don’t you?”
“Well, yeah … that goes without saying, boogerhead.” She laughed, and ruffled Ruby’s hair, then checked her watch. “Oh, shoot. Greg’s show already started. She clicked on the radio, flipped through the fuzz until she came to WREK.
They caught the tail end of a song, and then Greg’s cool but somewhat geeky voice came out of the speakers.
“That was ‘My City Was Gone,’ by the Pretenders. That song always makes me sad. And here’s another one for this dreary evening, ‘She’s Lost Control,’ by Joy Division.”
Tina turned it up a bit and Vutto suddenly snarled in his sleep, jerking his head back and forth, his claws twitching, his teeth clacking.
Ruby and Tina exchanged a worried look. Ruby had heard of dogs chasing rabbits in their dreams; she wondered what Vutto was chasing.
“Tina, listen to me. I need you to make me a promise.”
“Oh?”
“Promise me, no, swear it. If Vutto loses it. If he comes after me … you’ll run. You’ll get the hell out of the way. None of your Tae Kwon Do heroics. Just run as fast and as far away from him as you can get. Promise me.”
Tina shook her head. “I can’t do—”
“No! Don’t even. You swear to me right now, that you’ll run. If you don’t swear it, I’m putting you out right here.”
“But—”
“Swear it!”
“Okay, okay, Ruby Duby. I swear.”
“Let me see your fingers.”
Tina held up both hands; her fingers were crossed.
“Tina!”
“Alright, alright.” She uncrossed her fingers. “I swear it.”
Ruby checked the rearview again, Vutto was snoring now.
“Hey, listen to me,” Tina said. “We’re gonna pull this off, babe. Gonna rock the Plex. ’Cause together, we’re unstoppable. Don’t you forget that.”
“I won’t forget. I’m counting on it,” Ruby said, nodding, trying to sound confident. And if we bomb, she thought. If not enough folks show up. Guess I’m going to Hell. That’s all. How about that.
Greg played several more tunes, breaking in again after the fourth song.
“Okay, wasn’t gonna share this, but it’s just too good a story not to. Had two crazy women break into the station last night. No, they didn’t try to steal anything, just wanted to play their song. I know I shouldn’t reward bad behavior, but out of curiosity, I gave the song a listen. And, well, there’s something magical about this one. Honestly, can’t get it out of my head. So, this is for Tina. Tina, if you’re out there, you’re a jackass, but I love you anyway.” He laughed. “‘Evil in Me,’ by the Night Mares.”
The song started.
“Oh, hot patootie!” Tina shouted, twisting the volume up.
It was the first time Ruby had ever heard herself on the radio, and for a few seconds, she actually forgot about the ring—breaking out in goose bumps at the sound of her own voice coming over the airwaves.
“There’s magic in that song,” Tina said, and began singing along. Another voice joined, it was Vutto, he began drumming on the back of the seat. And there it was, the tingling. Ruby began to sing with them, letting go, letting the song free her for a few precious moments.
The tingling turned into vibrations, the vibrations surging around them to the tune of the song.
“You feel that?” Ruby asked.
“Oh, yeah,” Tina said. “Wow … it’s the magic, right?”
“Yeah … but—” But it wasn’t coming from them; it felt like it was flowing into the car.
“It’s the song!” Tina shouted. “Oh, shit! Folks are singing along. Get it? They’re singing along right this second, singing to the radio!”
The magic grew, felt almost like a wind.
Ruby, Beel cried. Use it! Use the magic. Quick!
Ruby felt the magic calling to her, the symbol on her arm growing warm, it wanted in. Her eyes fluttered as she fought to keep the car in its lane.
“Watch out!” Tina cried as a truck swerved out of their way, laying on the horn as it flew past.
Ruby jerked the wheel and they bounced over the curb and onto to someone’s front lawn, taking out their mailbox.
Ruby slammed on the breaks.
Now! Beel cried.
Ruby closed her eyes, giving herself to the magic. A burst of heat in her chest, then it was fading. No! she thought, Don’t go!
She opened her eyes.
The song was over. It was Greg’s voice she heard now. “Wow, just wow! Gets better every time I hear it. The name of the band is the Night Mares and they’ll be playing live tonight, at Metroplex, eight p.m. That’s tonight, folks, and they’re on first. So, if you don’t want to miss them, you better hurry on over.”
MURDER
It’s me, Richard.
I parked in front of the house, the one Ruby was staying at. I knew she wasn’t there. Could feel it. Just hoped they’d be back soon. I was having a hard time tracking her. I could still hear her song alright, it was just my head felt like it was about to split in two, making it hard to focus, to follow the song. I’d taken a dozen Tylenol, and that probably wasn’t helping either. Not sure what that Chinese bitch had hit me with, but it had certainly messed me up. Hadn’t been able to wake up until afternoon. Lord, I probably had a concussion.
I gently touched the wound on the back of my head. Winced. The lump felt as big as a baseball.
I peeked in the rearview at the scratches across my face. My eyes were black and I had a bandage wrapped around my neck. The blood was seeping through again, forming a large red stain.
So much for blending in. And now, on top of all this, I couldn’t find Ruby.
I shoved my pistol and combat knife into my belt, got out of the van, and headed toward the house. I crept up onto the porch, on the lookout for tricks and traps, more of her bewitchery. The door was unlocked and I let myself in. It was time to end this, now, tonight, one way or another.
I walked into the living area, not sure what I was seeking. Some clue to where they went, I guess? Someone to interrogate?
That someone was sitting on the couch, watching TV—not a demon or witch, just some stupid-looking kid with bleached hair and a dangly earring, holding a beer.
“Who the hell are you?” he asked.
“Where are they? The witch and her friend?”
“Witch?”
“Ruby. Where is she?”
He burped. “Man, you need to chill out.”
I stepped up to him, pulled my knife.
“Oh, Jesus! Hell!” he cried.
“Where are they?”
