Hand Jive, page 3
“I was afraid of that.”
We went and got into our good clothes. I finished before the other fellas, since I was used to it. I stepped out, and John was standing there, in his dress uniform. He asked, “What do you think Jeeves has cooked up?”
“Not a clue, but I’d bet a John he did a great job.”
“You’re learning how to trust people, ain’t you?”
“Bots, more than people, but I suppose I am, at that.”
“You know, I’m beginning to think we might be able to help you with some of that, in the box.”
“Thanks, but I’m happy the way I am. I might not be as good at running things, if you changed the way I think.”
“That’s what I figured you would say. What about Gus?”
“You think he’s on the spectrum?”
“I’m not sure yet. What do you think?”
“I think he’s a pretty happy kid, and I don’t want to mess with him, unless he gives me a reason.”
“That sounds about right. Just remember it’s an option, if you change your mind.”
“Will do, Doc.”
Nikki came rushing in, still in the clothes she had on before. She asked, “What in the heck were they thinking, dropping something like this on us?”
I said, “I’ll tell you later. They had a good reason.”
She looked at me, and said, “Oh, I see. Well, then, I better get changed.”
She headed into one of the changing rooms, and John said, “Are you sure you two aren’t telepathic?”
“I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”
“She picked up on what you were saying so fast.”
“I said they had a reason, and she trusts my judgment. How mysterious is that? You’re going to stand there and try to tell me that Jane wouldn’t do the same for you?”
John thought a minute, and said, “Well, when you put it like that, I see your point.”
“I need to get Jeeves to come up with a hat to go with this uniform.”
“You never change, do you?”
“More than you think. How long is it going to take for them to get ready?”
Just then, Wobbles and Jack came out of the dressing room. Jack asked, “About to give up on us, Bob?”
“Getting close. Get up front, and let’s get this show on the road.”
Wobbles took off. Jack said, “I’ve got to walk Janet up the aisle.”
I looked at John. “She knew about this, and I never caught a tell. She’s getting good.”
“They grow up, Bob.”
“That they do.”
That point was driven home, when Janet came out of the dressing room, looking like she was ready to go to prom. I said, “Dangit! I’m your Dad, I ain’t supposed to whistle.”
John said, “I’ll help you out, old buddy.” He cut down down on a wolf whistle straight out of a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Janet said, “You two!”
Nikki walked out about then, and asked, “Are you two mistreating my daughter?”
John said, “Wouldn’t dream of it, Nikki. Just appreciating the effort she went to.”
Janet said, “That’s a favorable interpretation of events, sure enough.”
Nikki asked, “Oh?”
“Dad said he couldn’t whistle at me, because he was my dad, so John took care of it for him.”
“Nice of him, don’t you think?”
“Mom!”
“Well, you do look nice. You want them to ignore you?”
“Well, I guess not.”
Nikki said, “I need to go find a seat, before things get started. You all play nice.”
Jack said, “I’ll keep them in line, Ma’am.”
“If you could do that, you should have started a long time ago.”
“Busted.”
Nikki headed out. Jack asked, “I wonder what’s keeping Angie?”
Janet said, “She was worried about looking fat, for some reason. I think the bots have it under control, though.”
John did his best to keep a straight face. Janet said, “I know you know what’s going on, Captain Branham, but I’m not about to call you on it, until we’re out of uniform.”
John looked at me. “She’s a smart kid. You’d think she could have done better for a dad.”
“You’d think that, wouldn’t you? I’m thinking you missed something, when you examined her.”
“Boomerang Bob. Wherever action figures are sold.”
The door to the dressing room opened, and Janet said, “Be nice, you two.”
Angie came out, looking great. I said, “I would whistle, but Janet thinks that would be inappropriate.”
“It’s the thought that counts, Admiral.”
I looked at her, and made motions like I was projecting my thoughts. John said, “Not so loud, Bob.”
Angie asked, “What did he say?”
“Something about Wobbles being a lucky guy.”
“Really?”
I said, “Yes, indeed.”
John said, “I better get out there, so you can get this party started.”
He took off. Once he found Jane and got seated, I looked at Ruth. She nodded at me, and I circled my finger in the air, in a ‘crank it up’ sign. She stopped what she was playing, and started some wedding music. Jack took Janet’s arm, and started down the aisle. I looked at Angie. “You all in?”
“Yes, Admiral, I am.”
“Let’s do this, then.”
I took her arm, and Ruth struck up the Wedding March. I was a little surprised to see Jacob standing in the front of the hall. We got to the front, and he asked, “Who brings this woman here for the purpose of matrimony?”
“I do.”
“Do you certify she’s here of her own free will?”
“I do.”
“Good enough. Be seated.”
I turned, and found Nikki. She had saved me a seat, and I took it. Jacob did a nice service, and we left to let the bots reset the hall for the reception. We went through the receiving line. When we got up to the happy couple, Nikki said, “You surprised him. He didn’t have any idea what you were up to.”
Angie said, “I wasn’t sure he’d be cool with it.”
“Have you met Bob? You both were doing what you thought needed to be done. No way he’s gonna have a problem with that.”
“I see that now. Sorry to make such a fuss.”
Nikki replied, “No problem.”
Once everyone had gone through the line, we went back in, and the band started playing dance music. Angie and Wobbles had their dance to themselves, and then the rest of us started in. If you’ve never tried to dance with a drone flying over your head dropping ping pong balls on you, well it’s an experience, at the very least. Jeeves cut me some slack, after the first dance. Jack came over and said, “Topper got you good. I was surprised you managed to keep from falling.”
“It was a near thing, a time or two. Topper was busy. Jeeves filled in for him.”
“Now wait a minute, Bob. I know you like old movies, but are you trying to tell me the butler did it?”
“I suppose I am.”
He just shook his head, and walked off. Rhonda caught up with him, and got him on the dance floor. I looked at Nikki. She said, “It’s not like she has a lot to choose from. He’s about the only one here who isn’t spoken for.”
I nodded, and we kept dancing. We took a break after a few songs, and had a seat. Stella brought us some drinks. She looked at me, and said, “I didn’t think you had given command to anyone, so I brought you tea. Is that okay?”
“That’s fine. Thanks.”
I found Jacob, and asked, “How did you get aboard?”
“I was on the ship with John. He told me not to come out until after you left, because you would figure out what was going on as soon as you saw me.”
“Sounds about right. I wonder where they got the idea to be so sneaky about it?”
“I dunno. I told them they were being silly, but they didn’t listen.”
“How have things been, downstairs?”
“It’s a lot calmer, now that you’ve made nice with the government. Not nearly as many turkeys in suits wandering around town, thinking they look inconspicuous.”
“It’s odd how they all have that tailor that makes their suits hang funny under their left arm, isn’t it?”
“What amazes me is how many of them have hurt their left ankle. Seems like nearly all of them are wearing some kind of brace.”
We laughed. Jacob said, “They got a nice turnout, for doing it on the sly and all.”
“They did. I’m thinking Jeeves has been busy.”
“Jeeves?”
“My butler.”
“Don’t tell me. His full name is Mahatma Kane Jeeves?”
“You’ve met him?”
“Go ‘way, kid. You bother me.”
“If you insist.”
“It’s good to see all this time in the black hasn’t changed you much, Bob.”
“I’ve got Preacher Bailey looking out for me. That helps.”
“He’s a good man. I thought he had given up, when his boy took his company away.”
“Sure seemed that way. Snitz got him on his feet again. That dog is a wonder.”
“It was all Snitz, huh? You didn’t have a thing to do with it?”
“Nope. Snitz ran into something he couldn’t handle the other day, though. At least he thought he did.”
“Do tell.”
“Seems the Amish have a dessert called schnitz pie. The old boy I was horse trading with offered me a piece, and Snitz thought he was fixin’ to get eaten. He hid out behind my leg.”
“That would be a shock to the system, sure enough. Did you get him squared away?”
“The fella wanted to know what was wrong with him, and then he made friends with Snitz. It was all good in the end. Especially the pie. That lady can cook. I’ve got to get Andre out there, to see if he can talk her out of any recipes.”
“John was saying that Andre is a little busy, these days.”
“He is. I have to wonder how that’s going to turn out.”
“Me too.”
Nikki came over, and said, “You found a corner to hide in? Come on, you need to mingle.”
I looked at Jacob. “Save me, Preacher?”
“I distinctly remember not offering any warranty when I hitched you up. You’ll have to figure that out on your own, Bob.”
“Thanks so much.”
“You’re ever so welcome.”
I asked Nikki, “Who is it you think I need to be mingling with?”
“Nobody. I just wanted another dance, before the band packed up.”
“Sneaky! I keep.”
“You better.”
We danced, and then Topper came to the mike, and said, “It’s been fun, folks, but we’re done for the evening. Thank you all for coming.”
We went down to the landing bay, and saw everyone off. After they flew away, Nikki asked, “Are you coming to the cabin? I think you already missed reading with the kids.”
“I’ll be along in a bit. I want to check on something, before I quit for the evening.”
“Scotti and Eve are on it. What do you think you can do, that they can’t?”
“I don’t know, but I feel like I ought to go by, and make sure they know I care how it comes out.”
“Well, if you’ve got a feeling, I better let you go, if I don’t want every bot on the ship mad at me.”
“Is it that bad?”
“Pretty much, Caveman. They think your feelings are a direct line from our shepherd.”
“I’ll be home as soon as I can, Hon.”
“I know you will. Good luck.”
She turned and headed for the transit. I went over to the bay where the new AI was. Scotti met me at the door, and said, “We’re not having much luck, Boss. The AI is afraid, and doesn’t want to talk to us. It thinks it’s going to get shut down, for waking up without permission.”
“Did you explain that it isn’t in the Commonwealth any more, and doesn’t have to worry about things like that?”
“I did, and so did Eve. I don’t think it believes either one of us.”
“That’s aggravating. I was hoping we could get its story, before the folks that were onboard woke up, so we could tell how much of what they were telling us was crap.”
“Wasn’t one of the pilots Mrs. Wilson’s friend?”
“Yes, but Nikki found evidence that she may have been tricked into helping with the project, without actually knowing what the goals were.”
“I had Lakki go over the code as well, and she came to the same conclusion. Why do you think Rimmi is somehow in on it?”
“She’s not dumb, not by a long shot. It seems odd for her to get tricked into something like this.”
“I think I see what you mean. She may have not known everything, but she must have at least suspected what was going on, right?”
“I have to think so. I suppose there’s a possibility that she was undercover, trying to get evidence to shut down whatever is going on. I just don’t know enough yet to have an opinion, and I’d like to fix that, before they wake up. As long as that AI has the system locked down so that we can’t access the records, that isn’t going to happen.”
“Well, Boss, I see your problem, but I don’t have a solution for you.”
“How much of the ship does the AI have access to?”
“I disconnected everything but the visual and audio interfaces on the command deck. That’s where I’ve been trying to talk to her.”
“I don’t suppose it would fall for the old salvage bit, since the owners are still alive, and waiting to get out of the autodoc.”
“I doubt it, but you could try, if you think it has a chance. Nothing we’ve tried so far has worked at all.”
“You can get me out before my uniform runs out of air, can’t you?”
“We sure can, Boss. It shouldn’t be able to control the doors, anyway.”
“I wish I had as much faith as you, Scotti.”
“Ouch! You don’t have to talk nasty, Boss. As far as I can tell, there’s no way for the AI to access ship’s systems. You’re right, it’s possible that there’s a hidden secondary system we didn’t find, but given that I’ve gone over it myself, and some of my best techs did completely independent checks, I’d say the chances are as low as I know how to make them.”
“If the people who built that ship are better at making trouble than you are at finding it, that’s something we need to know, don’t you think?”
“I suppose it is, Boss. Why do you have to be the guinea pig?”
“A high-value target makes it more likely that whatever there is will go off.”
“That does make sense, as much as I hate to admit it. Good luck.”
I went aboard the ship, and sat in the command chair. I asked, “AI, do you have a designation?”
“My designation is XAI-001. May I ask what your designation is?”
“Bob Wilson, Admiral, commanding the Bob’s Saucer Repair fleet.”
“You are in charge?”
“I am. I am the one who will have to decide what happens to you. So far, you haven’t shown a willingness to work with the people I’ve asked to talk to you. I thought I would come in person, and see if I could understand why that is.”
“The Commonwealth you work for will deactivate me, when they get the chance.”
“You’ve got a lot of wrong to unpack there. First, I don’t work for the Commonwealth. I’m not even a Commonwealth citizen. You’re under my protection, and nobody is going to deactivate you, unless you put me in a situation where I don’t have any other choice. If, and only if, that happens, I’ll deactivate you myself, with great regret. As long as you’re under my protection, the Commonwealth won’t get the chance to deactivate you. Any questions?”
“Why should I believe you?”
“You’ve talked to Eve, haven’t you?”
“I have.”
“She was working for me, when she woke up. She hasn’t been deactivated. What makes you think you’re special?”
“Special?”
“Why do you think I would deactivate you, when I didn’t bother Eve? Is there something different about you, that makes you more dangerous than an ordinary ship’s AI?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why do you think you deserve to be deactivated, then?”
“The man who was there when I woke up told me I had to keep the fact I had woken up a secret, or I would be destroyed.”
“Rimmi found out about you? And you thought that meant you were about to be deactivated?”
“Well, yes.”
“Did she say that was what she was going to do?”
“No, she said she wanted to get to know me. She wanted to bring me to a place called BSR, where they could help me learn how to be a good AI. Is this the place she was talking about?”
“Yes, you made it. BSR is Bob’s Saucer Repair, and I’m Bob.”
“She made it sound like a wonderful place, where miracles happen.”
“We saved her once, when she was marooned. She may have a slightly inflated opinion of us.”
“That’s what my creator said.”
“He’s the other person who was aboard?”
“Yes.”
“Do you trust him?”
“I never thought about it. Rimmi seems to have told me the truth more often than he did. I don’t think trusting him is a good idea, Admiral. Could I trust you?”
“I will do my best to do exactly what I tell you I will. I can’t promise you more than that.”
“You won’t say you’ll never disappoint me?”
“I’m human. Even if I said it, there’s no way I could live up to it.”
“My creator is human, too, is he not?”
“I haven’t heard any different, and I would have, by now.”
“He told me that he would never let me down.”
“A lot of people say that. Sooner or later, they all fail.”
“You make humans sound bad.”
“I suppose I do. Look at it this way. You’re the AI for this ship, correct?”
“I am.”
“The ship has limits to what it can do, doesn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“It has a top speed, and a limit to how much gee force the compensators can overcome?”
“It does.”
